BubbleGum:Unlimited wrote::D Thank you for your great advice! Really, I am a story writer, I LOVE comments to help further my work. I had read over some older applications before mine before I did Ashes. As for my lack of patience, I sincerely apologize. I did not have a home computer and had no time to wait >w< and now I do!! YAY!! SO I will be as patient as needed. As for my "poor grammar" I read over my work, and I believe you are referring to my Transformer slang... Such as Berth meaning bed, Medbay meaning the medical room, slagg as slang and other words I don't remember, if those are not wanted then I totally understand, just understand that I Role Play with a close companion of mine and may slip; what you said over my to Femmes (robot females) has been taken to notice and I will try to do what I am told.
Allegiance: Decepticon (able to be converted)
Height: 36'/ 10.9728
Weapons: mace, shackle mace, dual blade sword, three daggers, arm canon, two hand guns, mini daggers, shirukins (I can't find how to spell that ) grenades
Special Abilities: Due to her mass of weaponry, Railway can use almost any weapon you hand her, from a simple dagger, to a high-class canon.
Quote: "Who you want to be doesn't matter; its who you ARE at the moment that matters"
Fire Power: 5
Tech Skill: 6
PROFILE: Railway has serious trust problems, she doesn't want to trust anyone (she's scared to get tricked), so gaining her trust and loyalty is EXTREMELY complicated... Yet Railway never wanted to be a Decepticon anyway; at least, that hadn't been her original plan. As for her temper, Railway has a pretty fair, maintained attitude (she's usually reserved). She isn't much of a talker, but if you get her to talk, you'll understand why she has her trust and loyalty issues...But you'd also see that Railway isn't an evil femm, she's just lost and feels unwanted, and uncared for and just needs someone to show her the way; just don't get pushy.
ABILITIES: Another advantage to her high weapon count, Railway can pierce her armor with...say a sword, the armor will react to this specific move by creating a holder from that particular part of her armor, and since her armor is heavy and thick, she hasn't to worry over her armor thinning out into nothing.
WEAKNESSES: Although she is a silent walker, Railway is no ninja, she is large and fairly clumsy; thus if put out for a mission like spy or sneak attack, Railway may not be the best of choices.
Con base; dark, cold, an autobots' worst nightmare. The glow of dark energon was everywhere, on the walls, on the floor, in Railway's beautiful lavender optics...Why was she here? Why was she in this? Well, her large yet femininely curved, dark, menacing silvery grey frame made a crummy first look impression; and she was harassed so much in training to be an autobot, that she finally dropped the thought, then she met the Decepticons.
"No more harassment... You'll be free of any judgement..." The words rang through her head with a beautiful ring; 'you'll be free of any judgement'... That's all she'd wanted, to be treated equal despite her size, or shape, or gender...just to be Railway...was that so much to ask?
"Of course it is you idiot" she snapped to herself coldly.
"You don't fit in, you're big, you don't look like them..." Her optics slowly gazed out of a window, out onto Cybertron's beautiful, lifeless shell; those femmes, the femmes she looked nothing like...Why couldn't she be like them? Why couldn't she look like that one fem? The pale yellow one with those chakrams? (I spelled chakrams correctly)
Railway didn't see it, but she was actually a gorgeous femme; she was bigger than the others, yes, but she had every slender curve, every beautiful feature every other fem had. Of course no one told her this, if they did, she might leave the cons. So Railway sat believing she was just some freak that didn't fit in anywhere she went, not even with the outcasts... Yet one day...One day she'd prove to those bot, one day...she would prove herself a worthy advisarry (not misspelled)...one day... the autobots would pay...This war would end with her finally being feared for the real reason, she started walking further into the shadows that reached for her mercilessly...
I'm afraid I'm going to have to deny Ashes and Railway. I was curious to see if revisions would make them more like what we're looking for in terms of fanmade characters and while it's closer, it's still not what we look for. Fanmade characters should be pretty basic and just blend in to the setting of the game. The more they stick out, via physical attributes, stats, special abilities and so on, the less likely they are to make it in the game. I would recommend if you want to get started in the game that you apply for a canon character first and get a feel for how the game flows and what sorts of characters are both in it and what they're doing on a post-to-post basis.
As to your posts themselves, I wasn't referring to use of slang, be it Earth or Cybertron. I was referring to the frequency of actual misspellings or grammar glitches that make a post hard to read. As an example from your above sample--
Yet one day...One day she'd prove to those bot, one day...she would prove herself a worthy advisarry (not misspelled)...one day...
The OOC comments tossed in to the midst of IC posts are unnecessary and the word that you indicated was not misspelled actually is. It's adversary, given the context of the sentence. Nothing major. Just one example of what I was referring to in my last review that would be caught by a spellcheck.
So, in a nutshell, I would put fanmades on the shelf for a while (you're not the first player to have had to do this) and go for a canon character. Get a feel for everything and you'll probably gain a better understanding of what the RPG is after in terms of characters.