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[Scatterlung]

This looks a lot like Picture Combat! Over in the Official Party Forum (where this should probably be anyway). But hey, I'll join in with some of my TF motivational posters..

[Dr Buffalo]

Behold!

[Shadowman]

Here's my new Thread Schtick: Dane Cook Transcripts!

(Forgive me, Mods, if this is too inappropriate.)

I was talking to this girl the other day and...uh...And she said "All guys want is sex!" And I said "Listen, finish blowing me, and we're gonna talk about this later."

That's a lie. I just said that cause it was funny.

She actually said that, she goes "That's all guy want, Dane. Sex." And I said to her "Nay." I said there's other things guys want besides sex. We're just a little embarrased to admit them. But I'm putting it on the universe, so that you can respect and understand us for who we are as men.

For example, any guy here, MORE than sex, if they had the choice of sex or this one other thing, ANY guy here would rather be part of a heist.

You KNOW every time you watch the movie "Heat" you're like, "I wanna DO that!" You just wanna be running down Main Street with an AK-47 going "B-P-B-P-B-P-B-P-B-P-B-P-B-P-B WHERE'S THE VAN?!?! B-P-B-P-B-P-B-P-B-P-B-P-B-P-B THE VAN WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!! B-P-B-P-B-P-B-P-B-P-B-P-B-P-B"

We want that guy who's supposed to be on the computer, he's like "Gimme a minute, I just need one more minute. Dude, I need one more minute to hack into the mainframe. I'm in Friendster! They re-routed me into Friendster. I NEED a minute!"

"WHERE'S THE F***ING VAN?!?!B-P-B-P-B-P-B-P-B-P-B-P-B-P-B"

There's always that guy on the team, too, he was a last minute replacement. He's not part of the original "Gang" but one of the guys always vouches for him. "No no, dude, trust me, this guy's cool. He's solid and he's cool."

But he's not cool, is he?

He doesn't really say anything, ever, right? He just stand there, look's cool, and at one point, he's like "Let's kill these bitches."

I wanna be part of a heist, and I wanna get shot right HERE in the back of my leg. CHK! AH, shit! It stings, but it still makes me feel kinda cool. I just keep looking at the blood, going "NO NO NO NO! Bleedin' from the leg!" WHERE'S THE VAN?!?!

We wanna be part of a heist, and there's something we want even MORE than a heist, even more than sex, any guy here, would love to own a monkey. A pet monkey.

And sometimes people get mad, you say "Oh, I'd love to have a pet monkey," and there's always that one anti-monkey person in the area. They over hear you, "'Scuse me, I overheard you say you'd like to have a monkey, and that's a horrible. You do NOT want a monkey."

They're a monkey expert, and they start listing off all the reasons you can't have a monkey. "Let me tell you a few things, excuse me, could I just have a minute? Could I just explain a few things about monkeys? That maybe you don't know, before you jump to your conclusion? Okay, it's more than just bananas and dancing with toothbrushes. First of all, they crap in their hand, and throw it around in a festive manner. Like they're at a celebration of Monkey Poop. They make faces that are unacceptable in society."

I hear these things, and I'm like, "That's why I want a monkey!" I don't want a nice, quiet little monkey, I want an evil monkey, that I can dress in armor, give him a sword, have fights with him inside my place.

How pumped would you be coming home from work, knowing that someplace in your house there's a monkey you're going to BATTLE? That's AWESOME! You walk in,

"AAAH"

"Monkey, you here?"

"AH AH AH AH AAAA!"

"Where are you?"

"I'M IN YOUR CLOSET!!"

"Holy shit, you just talked!"

"I TAUGHT MYSELF TO TALK!!"

"This is incredibly odd!"

"I KNOW, LET'S FIGHT!!"

"Okay."

This would be the ultimate: What if, after the heist, you jump into the van, and the monkey is driving the van! "GET IN, WE GOTTA GO!! WE GOTTA GO!! WE!! GOTTA!! GO!!"

Makes me sad, because I know it'll never happen.

[Shadowman]

Lewis Black!

If you're an adult, and you're planning to wear a costume on Halloween...

*Pause.*

Don't. I will find you, I will hurt you. I don't know why...it was deemed to be a necessity among a group of adults, who, for some reason, they didn't blblb* grow out of childhood. It's not an adult holiday. It's a holiday for children.

That's who it's for. I don't even know why we celebrate it in New York. It's a harvest holiday. And we, don't harvest shit.

It's a holiday for children. Because children want to dress up all the time, and you have to go "Nope! This is the night, so...shut the **** up."

You're an adult, and you can put on a costume whenever you want. You don't need permission anymore. If you wake up next Tuesday, and you feel like being Batman, go for it.

You go into work, you're boss says "Who are you?!" and you go "I'm Batman! That's who I am. Who are you?"

But nothing proves just how dumb we are collectively, as a people, nothing proves it more then Candy Corn.

Candy Corn...they're using the word "candy," to describe it. It is wrong. Using the word "Corn" is wrong. It does not taste like candy nor corn. It tastes like something that was made out of oil. You take all the bags of candy corn, and actually, if you melted them down, you could run a car. It is one of the shittiest tastes I've ever had in my mouth.

All the candy corn, that was ever made, was made in 1914. They never had to make it again. We never eat enough of it. We only eat two, or three, or four pieces apiece. And so, literally after Halloween, the candy corn companies send out their minions--a word I've never really had the opportunity to use--and they go from garbage can to garbage can, and COLLECT the corn, and throw it back int he bags. And it appears next to you.

I will never forget the first time my mother gave me candy corn. She said "Lewis, this is corn, and it tastes like candy." "Oh boy!"

*Puts pretend Candy corn in his mouth.*

"This tastes like SHIT!! My mother's **** with me!" So I grabbed another, and it tastes like shit too!

And every year since then, Halloween returns. And I, like an alzheimer's patient, find myself in a room. And there's a table. And on that table there is a bowl, filled with candy corn, for no apparent reason. And I look at it, and even though I've seen it over and over and over again, it as if I've seen it for the first time.

"Candy corn," I think, "Corn...that tastes like Candy."

*Picks up an invisible piece.*

"GOD, I can't wait!"

*Eats.*

"SON OF A BITCH!!"

And then I grab another, and I eat just the yellow part, believing somehow, that's the corn part. And then I take two pieces, and I shove them on my teeth like this: ARARA! Like Dracula.

That is why, then this Halloween will come, those of you who are parents, and know--Absolutely know--that this candy tastes like shit, who give it to your children. And so it goes, from generation to generation...to generation: We the people pass on a legacy of shit. And then you wonder why we can't elect a good leader!

*That's a noise he makes a lot.

[mightymax]

Brian Regan.

enough said. watch his comedy central special this sunday. you will thank me.