Here's my new Thread Schtick: Dane Cook Transcripts!
(Forgive me, Mods, if this is too inappropriate.)
Dane Cook wrote:I was talking to this girl the other day and...uh...And she said "All guys want is sex!" And I said "Listen, finish blowing me, and we're gonna talk about this later."
That's a lie. I just said that cause it was funny.
She actually said that, she goes "That's all guy want, Dane. Sex." And I said to her "Nay." I said there's other things guys want besides sex. We're just a little embarrased to admit them. But I'm putting it on the universe, so that you can respect and understand us for who we are as men.
For example, any guy here, MORE than sex, if they had the choice of sex or this one other thing, ANY guy here would rather be part of a heist.
You KNOW every time you watch the movie "Heat" you're like, "I wanna DO that!" You just wanna be running down Main Street with an AK-47 going "B-P-B-P-B-P-B-P-B-P-B-P-B-P-B WHERE'S THE VAN?!?! B-P-B-P-B-P-B-P-B-P-B-P-B-P-B THE VAN WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!! B-P-B-P-B-P-B-P-B-P-B-P-B-P-B"
We want that guy who's supposed to be on the computer, he's like "Gimme a minute, I just need one more minute. Dude, I need one more minute to hack into the mainframe. I'm in Friendster! They re-routed me into Friendster. I NEED a minute!"
"WHERE'S THE F***ING VAN?!?!B-P-B-P-B-P-B-P-B-P-B-P-B-P-B"
There's always that guy on the team, too, he was a last minute replacement. He's not part of the original "Gang" but one of the guys always vouches for him. "No no, dude, trust me, this guy's cool. He's solid and he's cool."
But he's not cool, is he?
He doesn't really say anything, ever, right? He just stand there, look's cool, and at one point, he's like "Let's kill these bitches."
I wanna be part of a heist, and I wanna get shot right HERE in the back of my leg. CHK! AH, shit! It stings, but it still makes me feel kinda cool. I just keep looking at the blood, going "NO NO NO NO! Bleedin' from the leg!" WHERE'S THE VAN?!?!
We wanna be part of a heist, and there's something we want even MORE than a heist, even more than sex, any guy here, would love to own a monkey. A pet monkey.
And sometimes people get mad, you say "Oh, I'd love to have a pet monkey," and there's always that one anti-monkey person in the area. They over hear you, "'Scuse me, I overheard you say you'd like to have a monkey, and that's a horrible. You do NOT want a monkey."
They're a monkey expert, and they start listing off all the reasons you can't have a monkey. "Let me tell you a few things, excuse me, could I just have a minute? Could I just explain a few things about monkeys? That maybe you don't know, before you jump to your conclusion? Okay, it's more than just bananas and dancing with toothbrushes. First of all, they crap in their hand, and throw it around in a festive manner. Like they're at a celebration of Monkey Poop. They make faces that are unacceptable in society."
I hear these things, and I'm like, "That's why I want a monkey!" I don't want a nice, quiet little monkey, I want an evil monkey, that I can dress in armor, give him a sword, have fights with him inside my place.
How pumped would you be coming home from work, knowing that someplace in your house there's a monkey you're going to BATTLE? That's AWESOME! You walk in,
"Monkey, you here?"
"AH AH AH AH AAAA!"
"Where are you?"
"I'M IN YOUR CLOSET!!"
"Holy shit, you just talked!"
"I TAUGHT MYSELF TO TALK!!"
"This is incredibly odd!"
"I KNOW, LET'S FIGHT!!"
This would be the ultimate: What if, after the heist, you jump into the van, and the monkey is driving the van! "GET IN, WE GOTTA GO!! WE GOTTA GO!! WE!! GOTTA!! GO!!"
Makes me sad, because I know it'll never happen.