Cade Yeager and Sir Edmund Burton discuss things with Cogman and Burton's dog

The Ultimate Caption Contest

Cade Yeager and Sir Edmund Burton discuss things with Cogman and Burton's dog
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362 captions have been posted for this image so far ...
DeltaSilver88 writes: "Do you see that large robot over there in the distance? I ate its liver with fava beans."
"...Robots don't have livers?"
"Oh yes they do. Made of iron, so it's a little tough on the teeth though."
snavej writes: Wahlberg: Screw you, Trailbreaker!

Hopkins: I concur; screw you.

Cogman: I will personally screw you with VERY big screws.

Tankbot: Hands off my screws, pint-size!

Dog: I will rip out Trailbreaker's innards!
trailbreaker writes: Always nice to see more Cheetos in my pipe.
snavej writes: Hopkins: That Billy Boyd fella gave me some 'Longbottom leaf'. Said it was a cross between tobacco and skunk. Turned out to be bland and it made my bottom long and leafy. Never trust an Irish hobbit.
snavej writes: Being a Headmaster, Cogman took the humans' heads indoors for safekeeping. He left the bodies on the road.
snavej writes: Anthony regretted offering to eat his hat if the Bumblebee movie was better than Last Knight.
trailbreaker writes: Another year, another Cheeto in my pipe.
snavej writes: They weren't happy that Banksy had installed a 300 ft statue of his own dong on the South Lawn.
snavej writes: They'd just heard that Sainsburys supermarkets would soon be selling cheap vibrators. None of them wanted to admit to the others that they wanted one.
snavej writes: They worried that the caption competition relaunch, using Elon Musk's Big Effing Rocket, was unsafe.
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snavej writes: Hopkins: So the metal fellas may destroy planets but if I wiggle my naked rear that's very bad?

Wahlberg: You have to cover it with a picture of my naked rear. That's OK.
snavej writes: In the local newspaper, his name was misspelled as 'Sir Anthony Plopkins'. It seemed deliberate. Sir Anthony decided that it was time for some REVENGE!
trailbreaker writes: I’ll eventually eat this Cheeto in my pipe.
snavej writes: The movie did badly enough that Paramount had to start a whole new TV channel to generate revenue.
snavej writes: They were impressed by Dyldotron's 20-foot girth.
snavej writes: Hopkins: Did you enjoy the World Cup?

Wahlberg: I don't believe in it. No one can build a cup large enough to hold the world.

Cogman: I'm going slightly mad!
snavej writes: Wahlberg: Apparently, they want to revive this caption competition.

Hopkins: They can borrow my bike pump, if they don't mind where I put it three times a week!

Wahlberg: Can I make a different movie, please?
snavej writes: Preparing to fight the Russian menace with their cutting-edge weapons: a very old tank, a ripped T-shirt and a satisfying pipe. Oh yeah, and a super-advanced alien battle robot.
snavej writes: Cogman was so bored of war that he'd do ANYTHING else instead, even walk the smelly old dog.
snavej writes: It was a normal day in England. The stars were watching a cheeky middle-aged man being chased around a field at high speed by at least twenty hyperactive young women. 'Yakkity Sax' was playing in the background.
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trailbreaker writes: Can’t believe it’s nearly been a year since someone put a Cheeto in my pipe.
snavej writes: Wahlberg: Nice lake you have over there.

Hopkins: Yes, that's the piranha lake. We're going to feed them now. Cogman, bring the dog.

Wahlberg: This is sick. I'm gonna need a lot more pay from the studio!
snavej writes: Cogman: The Travellers have all been gassed. What now?

Hopkins: Desecrate the corpses. Use your best judgment.

Wahlberg: You're so effing hardcore, dude!
snavej writes: Hopkins: If we keep standing here for another 500 years, those people watching us might go away.
snavej writes: Hopkins: They're going to give us Golden Raspberries? What a lovely gesture! Maybe they'll give us some seeds so that we can grow our own.

Wahlberg: I'll stick to Bardsey apples, thanks. Help save the species!
snavej writes: Hopkins: So, if these midwestern collectors keep their toys above ground, they're vulnerable to tornados and if they keep them in a basement they're vulnerable to floods.

Wahlberg: Truly it is a sh1thole country! I'm so sorry that it's there and that
snavej writes: Wahlberg: I was in jail for lack of car insurance.

Hopkins: I was in jail for murder and cannibalism!

Wahlberg: Cheater! That was a movie.

Cogman: No, we took him to an alien planet where he killed and ate an intelligent blob creature.

snavej writes: Wahlberg: I am THE GREATEST ACTOR WHO EVER LIVED!

Hopkins: Have you seen the size of my Oscar? It's behind you. It walks and talks and everything!
snavej writes: Wahlberg: I have to donate HOW MANY dollars to charity to save my reputation???!!!
snavej writes: Their white male privilege got stuck under a low bridge in Northumberland. They needed alien help to pull it out.
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snavej writes: Wahlberg: Do ya like that?

Hopkins: Nah, I don' like that.

Cogman: It needs some BASS!

[Salt 'n' Pepa joke: old skool!]
snavej writes: Hopkins: If you really want to join the Masons, you'll at least need to wear some decent clothes like me.

Cogman: The Masons discriminate against aliens and won't let me join. Boo!

Wahlberg: Go join Hillsong. They let Justin Bieber in!
snavej writes: Yeager, Burton and the dog were considering having glowing 'Autobot eyes' fitted, to 'keep up with the Autobotses'.
snavej writes: 'We have to face it: we've become an embarrassment to all concerned.' Cogman disagreed and booked passage back to Cybertron, which was now conveniently close.
snavej writes: Wahlberg: While I wait, I'd like some target shooting practice.

Hopkins: The hamster breeding centre is half a mile down the road.

Cogman: Will that have any effect on box office?

Hopkins: I don't care. I'll be dead soon.
snavej writes: Wahlberg: It's the Travellers again. There are over fifty caravans this time.

Hopkins: Cogman, fire up the gas chamber!
snavej writes: Hopkins: What do you mean, I'm not 'husband material'?

Wahlberg: He's got a frikkin' CASTLE!
snavej writes: They were very annoyed that Scarlett Johansson would not be playing 'Mulan' in the eponymous new Disney movie.
snavej writes: Hopkins: I hope that they don't call Transformers 6 'Tentacles of Doom'. The studio will be sued by the makers of 'Father Ted'!

Wahlberg: Never mind that, I'm going to have a series of delightful misunderstandings with Laura!
snavej writes: Mike was telling them about the prehistory of the solar system. He'd just started to say how Uranus had really taken a pounding .... by asteroids.
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snavej writes: Anthony, Mark and friends were looking for Nigel Tufnel's castle but soon realised that this was the wrong castle. They did, however, find his inflatable stonehenge flying overhead.
snavej writes: Hopkins: 'Family Guy' can suck my old man balls! Misogynistic trash...
snavej writes: Everyone was a nudist except the humans.
Seibertron writes: Now when I was a young lad, Transformers were just Transformers. None of that Headmasters, Targetmasters, Powermasters, Action Masters, Pretenders crap!
snavej writes: No one really wanted the Transformers / Dawson's Creek revival crossover.
DeathReviews writes: "It's been half a year at least - shouldn't they rotate us out and put in something new?"
snavej writes: Jaime Bergman, Taylor Wayne, Rebecca Bardoux and Houston had a lesbian four-way in the paddling pool. Everyone stopped making 'The Last Knight' and watched.
snavej writes: Anthony lured Mark to the UK with the promise of a 'great movie opportunity'. This turned out to be the chance to watch some old movies on an outdoor screen next to a castle. Mark wasn't impressed. Anthony enjoyed tricking other actors.
snavej writes: The cheap, super-strength lager finally ran out and afterwards the world seemed rubbish.
snavej writes: Hopkins: Is Mel Gibson really your dad?

Wahlberg: No, it's a movie called 'Daddy's Home 2'.

Hopkins: Sorry, I can no longer tell the difference between movies and reality.

Cogman: I'm going to put you in the Old Daddy's Home!
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snavej writes: Hopkins: I'm glad that I wore my brown trousers today. They camouflage what's coming out of my back passage!

Wahlberg: Damn, I'm wearing blue jeans!

Dog: Nothing to worry about: it's all CGI!
EunuchRon writes: Wahlberg: We're STILL the caption photo?
Hopkins: The site admins are slack in their responsibilities yet again.
Cogman: I'm starting to rust, sir.
snavej writes: Someone had misunderstood the meaning of 'dogging'. It was not supposed to involve tanks, alien robots or dogs.
snavej writes: After three weeks, they had all died because of novelty key chain overdoses at the gift shop.
EvasionModeBumblebee writes: Cogman prepares to make a break for it as Sir Burton realizes he's been smoking a Cheeto for the past 30 minutes.
trailbreaker writes: “I’m going to eat this Cheeto that someone put in my pipe.”
snavej writes: Wahlberg: D'ya know what'd make that tank better?

Hopkins: No.

Wahlberg: Paint it like the Confederate flag and give it a horn that plays 'Dixie'.

Cogman: It won't jump the river, sir.
snavej writes: Hopkins: Line!

Script supervisor or whatever: 'Here comes someone interesting.'

Hopkins: No, give us our cocaine, bee-atch!

Wahlberg: It's been, like, twenny minutes. Mah skin's crawlin'!
snavej writes: Dog (thinks): Why have I been staring at metal underpants for so long?! I need to go back to sniffing around the area!
snavej writes: Wahlberg: What's that smell of garlic and onions?

Cogman: Eet's 'ot Rod-uh!

Hopkins: The sooner we can get you back to France or Cybertron, the better!
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snavej writes: In a world infested with Transformers, Hollywood had been nuked by the Decepticons and now grown men had nothing to do on a Saturday evening except stand about looking at the sunset. It was a dark time indeed, except for all the sunlight.
snavej writes: Wahlberg: I'd kill for a Little Chef Olympic Breakfast right about now.

Hopkins: Sorry but Little Chef is closing down.

Wahlberg: But how will I stay Olympic without my Olympic Breakfasts???!!! :-(
snavej writes: Wahlberg: Do you think snavej is going to post the 300th caption?

Hopkins: Yes, it's part of his efforts to keep away from 'less wholesome pursuits'.

Cogman: If he disrespects me anymore, I will shove this dog up his...
snavej writes: Hopkins: I put pictures of aubergines on my website to advertise the aubergines for sale in my farm shop.

Wahlberg: You're going to have a lot of disappointed sex cases visiting soon!
snavej writes: They watched as Mike and Harvey planned their escape from justice. Soon, they lost interest and went back to their sex crimes.
snavej writes: The only one not 'beach body ready' was Sir Edmund, but he covered it up with a knighthood.
snavej writes: Hopkins: I'm a dad too, you know?

Wahlberg: Where are your kids now? What do they do?

Hopkins: They do nothing. I ate them.
snavej writes: Hopkins: I'11 put up a replica Stonehenge over there. It'll be big: 18" by 10" for each trilithon.

Wahlberg: You mean 18' by 10'. Others have made the same mistake!

Hopkins: There will also be dancing midgets!

Cogman: Urgh, senility!
snavej writes: Hopkins: ...and then, in the middle of town (a department store window, no less), they nailed Santa to a cross!

Wahlberg: Those hairy Japanese bastards!!!
DarkEnergon writes: "No, Mark, he really is a genius. In 20 years, the rest of the world will expect nonsense narratives that contradict themselves at every turn - that, my boy - is storytelling."
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DarkEnergon writes: "Before I turned to smoking Cheetos, I sure did love a good crackpipe! So much so that now Cogman here keeps a police dog on the premises just to sniff out those darn narcotics. Oh I how I love the crack, Cade!"
DarkEnergon writes: "You see Cade, life is like a bag of dogshit, you just need a robot to clean it up."
DarkEnergon writes: I think the reason C3PO beat you senseless, Cade, is because you tried to untransform his dog.
snavej writes: Anthony and Mark told the 'G.I. Joe' team, 'M.A.S.K.', 'ROM' and other hobos to EFF OFF back to their IDW shanty town.
snavej writes: Cogman made plenty of cash killing humans and selling their meat to unscrupulous dealers. Enjoy your burgers, hot dogs, pies, ready meals, etc., won't you?!
snavej writes: Cogman and the dog made a loving but revolting couple.
snavej writes: Hopkins: Of which film are you most proud?

Wahlberg: Bottom Bandits 39: Return of the Purple Cobra. You?

Hopkins: Charlie Chaplin's Apocalypse Then: Dawn of the Purple Cobra.

Cogman: Both starred Kevin Bacon.
snavej writes: Cogman raised his pet Titan from beneath English soil and life would never be the same again. Many people needed to change their underpants that morning.
snavej writes: Hopkins: We're not falling for the trap...
Wahlberg: ...of your third party crap!
Cogman: But I'm a Junkion knock-off!
snavej writes: Hopkins: Brexit means Brexit!

Wahlberg: Not Sugar Puffs.
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snavej writes: Anthony: Do you suffer from premature evaluation? Not me! Your personalised Hopkins Rating will be in the post next week sometime.

Mark: It's 79%! Oh dear, I've scored all over you!
snavej writes: Anthony: Do you suffer from excessive earwax?

Mark: If so, get off your tush and go to your doctor. This is a Transformers movie, dummy!

Cogman: I will remove your earwax ........ with a big gun!
snavej writes: Anthony: You say potayto, I say potahto ...

Wahlberg: I say freedom fries, actually.

Cogman: Let's call the whole thing off! I burnt the dinner again.

Dog: Thanks to Elephant Gerald.
snavej writes: They are all dumbfounded when Anthony is offered the lead role in 'Donald Trump: The Movie'. The studio's wig department is put on advance alert.
snavej writes: Their career in glam rock was a complete non-starter. They were considering a venture into hardcore techno-rave.
snavej writes: Hopkins: Old man blah, old man blah, old man blah, etc.

Wahlberg: I'm learning from the master! I'll need this material when I'm older!

Cogman: Beep beep beep. LINE! Oh yes. Beep beep beep beep. That'll be $2M, please.
snavej writes: Wahlberg: You just blew up a bus full of school kids and puppies!

Hopkins: They were worrying my sheep. Serves them right.

Cogman: I helped! I love my job!
snavej writes: Wahlberg: The Decepticons just broke your trail.

Hopkins: No problem: the National Trust volunteers will rebuild it for free. They love the outdoors and the exercise.
trailbreaker writes: "Two months ago, I realized someone put a cheeto in my pipe."
snavej writes: Wahlberg: Why is that Transformer called 'Big Daddy'? He's actually quite small and he has no children.

Cogman: On Cybertron, 'Big Daddy' means 'Smacks you upside the head for asking stupid questions'.
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snavej writes: Hopkins: So I sign up to a website advertising beautiful Russian brides and...

Wahlberg: ...then they send round a Russian burglar to raid your house while you wait for your first Russian date to show up at the restaurant.

Hopkins: It's all so conve
snavej writes: Mark was starting to see why Anthony was so fascinated with Nora Batty's wrinkled stockings.

['Last of the Summer Wine' joke!]
snavej writes: Wahlberg: Why is the liposuction clinic right next door to the ready meal factory?

Hopkins: Ah, you've stumbled across one of our little local secrets.

Cogman: Tonight's dinner will be 'Fat Bottom Pie'. Lovely!
SpikeyTigertron writes: The dog really had to go
snavej writes: Wahlberg: I thought New Jersey was bad but now you tell me that you have Old Jersey here?! Jeez Louise, it must be the pits!

Hopkins: Well, it is VERY close to France! [Spits on the floor.]
snavej writes: Anthony gave Mark training in 10th level UK sarcasm. Sadly, Mark made a crucial error at the 9th level, causing a diplomatic incident. He was deported covertly in embassy baggage.

Meanwhile, Cogman's secret war on Simon Cowell continued...
snavej writes: Hopkins: That's the English town of Limpwrist-upon-Dinglewort.

Wahlberg: It's so awful, it makes me furious. We'll have to BURN IT DOWN TONIGHT! Then, I will escape to the US asap.

Hopkins: They can't blame me: I'm a national treasure!
snavej writes: Hopkins: How did your T-shirt get ripped?

Wahlberg: I was holding my daughter when she did an explosively powerful sh!t. We cleaned the shirt and now I use it for these action roles.
snavej writes: Wahlberg: Would it be a good idea to play Cogman like a steel drum?

Hopkins: Only if he's dead. He has a nasty temper.

Cogman: I have all the music in the world in my database, you fleshy cretin!
snavej writes: By now, Mark's bunch was TOO funky and he had to be removed for specialist decontamination by a tone-deaf biohazard team.
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snavej writes: Hopkins: Why yes, Miss: young, beautiful, lesbian couples are most welcome at Chateau Camera Obscura!

Wahlberg [whispers]: How do you do it, you old devil?

Hopkins [whispers]: Black magic! That and Cogman's mind control technology, of course.
snavej writes: They wanted Cogman to fetch their packed lunches but that would require $2.9 million in animation fees.
snavej writes: The search for the best hanging tree continued. They had a lot of people (mostly low-down Hollywood types) in the castle dungeon, who had to be hanged before the police found out about the whole operation.
snavej writes: The film version of 'The Two Ronnies' (UK TV comedy show) was experiencing 'script creep'. Tanks and robots were being sneaked in by development committees. Anthony and Mark gritted their teeth and focused on their next wage packets.
snavej writes: The LSD made them realise that they were in a terrible, hotch-potch movie. However, all they could do was stand there in growing pools of their own waste, which the dog found to be delicious.
snavej writes: After taking LSD, Mark finally understood British humour, sarcasm and reserve. Anthony finally understood the complex vicious cycle that made people stay in the USA. Cogman headbutted the tank for 49 hours.
snavej writes: The LSD made them all stand there for a very, very, very long time.
snavej writes: Tank was about to be overcome with collector's lust. He had to have that flat cap to complete his 1962 set!
snavej writes: Hopkins: Yes, we have 'Burger King' here but we call it 'Bugger King'. There's no fast food but the boys are top notch!

Wahlberg: Gaah! More European depravity!

Hopkins: The table service is very gratifying. There's usually an audience so be prep
snavej writes: Hopkins: Don't stand behind me.

Wahlberg: Why?

Hopkins: I am about to die of yellow-pipe lung cancer and fall over backwards. [Coughs horribly.]

Cogman: But I promised Megatron that he could kill you!
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snavej writes: Wahlberg: What do you think of the film so far?

Hopkins: It reminds me of an old friend of mine.

Wahlberg: How so?

Hopkins: His name was Beau Lox.

Cogman: Ah ho ho, sir. Ah ho ho ho!
snavej writes: Hopkins: Hollywood may be racist but they're still letting in heavily armed, super powered aliens. That's not right.

Wahlberg: At least it will be easier to send them back now that Cybertron is so close!
snavej writes: They watched helplessly as Mike made final preparations to blow up Europe ........... for a movie. [Release date 2019]
Alcotron writes: Hopkins:- "I remember when the phrase to 'Michael Bay the crap out of something' didn't mean to make a film with no story and just explosions."

Wahlberg:- "How times have changed"

Michael Bay behind the camera:- "I'm right here!"
Alcotron writes: Hopkins:- "I remember when I bought this castle with a handful of bitcoins."

Wahlberg:- "But bitcoins are a virtual currency. You can't have a handful of them!!"

Hopkins mutters:- "..The unicorn gave me a great deal too..."

Wahlberg:- "Wait. What
snavej writes: Tank was daydreaming fondly of all the Germans he had crushed back in the day. Now, he could only manage the odd stray pet.
snavej writes: Hopkins: Cogman, go and trawl the lake for golf balls.

Cogman: You should ask my clone brother Frogman.

Wahlberg: Nothing is funny anymore. Life has ground me down.
snavej writes: Wahlberg: I told you not to troll the Decepticons online. Now they're coming to kill us!

Hopkins: I couldn't help it. Their stupid faces are just asking to be trolled.

Wahlberg: Kiss me one last time, you old fool!
snavej writes: Hopkins: That weird alien is looking at us again, isn't he?

Wahlberg: Yes, I can feel the burn of his scanning beams on my back.

Hopkins: Get away when you can. I'm at stage 4 cancer.
snavej writes: Hopkins: I had a pig mega-farm over there but the crap in the shed caught fire and everything burnt.

Wahlberg: Sweet jeezis!

Hopkins: Never mind, I can still go swimming in the slurry lake!

Wahlberg throws up.
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Leapylizard writes: I wonder if Unicron was pink and green
Leapylizard writes: Cade Nad Sir Edmund Burton look at a pink and green Unicron
Road Turtle writes: There was another ancient race of mechanical beings, they called themselves Gobots. Sadly they didn't survive the 80's.
snavej writes: Hopkins: Come over here and polish my Oscar, Laura!
snavej writes: Cogman knew that 'Polishing my Oscar' was a euphemism.
snavej writes: Wahlberg: What's that stuff slowly draining away down the valley?

Hopkins: Our popularity!

Cogman: No, my supply of rancid milk from badgers!
trailbreaker writes: It's been weeks since someone put a Cheeto in my pipe.
snavej writes: Hopkins: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Wahlberg: For funk's sake...

Cogman: I don't know.

Hopkins: Because I drop-kicked it! Damned thing died and the dog ate it.

Wahlberg: I quit! Replace me with CGI.
snavej writes: Hopkins: Years ago, I heard the Spinal Tap song 'Sex Farm' and I was inspired to do this!

Wahlberg: You've grown fields of vegetables that look like asses and junk.

Cogman: Why don't you try one out? We insist!

[Wahlberg bolts.]
snavej writes: Hopkins: That dog stinks and ruins the furniture. I'm going to send him to North Korea, where people will eat him.

Wahlberg: I have done so many healthy diets, I can no longer care about dogs.

[Tank goes insane and shoots everyone.]
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snavej writes: The Screen Actors' Guild were planning their next campaign for more money and even more lavish trailers.
snavej writes: '...and here's where I keep my large herd of streakers and a few pony girls.'
snavej writes: Mark was underwhelmed when he realised that the English game of 'Cow Bingo' was just a larger version of 'Chicken Drop'.
snavej writes: Wahlberg: I'm sure that I saw a gay nightclub in Baton Rouge called 'Megatron'. It was right across the road from the gay bar called 'Iron Fist'.

Hopkins: I'll mention it to Megatron when he flies over from the States.

Cogman: Are you sure you want
snavej writes: Hopkins: This is a sort of Frankenstein movie with 14 different scripts mashed together.

Wahlberg: Yeah but work is work. Now, I have to get into harness for my Peter Pan scene.

Cogman: He's behind you!

Dog: Shut up, Tinkerbell!
snavej writes: Cogman: That **** Bumblebee is getting his own movie.

Wahlberg: He's a fraud. He's actually yellow Binaltech Tracks pretending to be Bumblebee!

Hopkins: Shh! He knows important people in the industry!
snavej writes: Hopkins: The secret to good pig farming is to balance out the uppers and the downers.

Wahlberg: The pigs are foaming at the mouth and running in circles.

Hopkins: That's absolutely normal.
snavej writes: Wahlberg: I mean, what's the point of being a 'Headmaster' if you don't turn into a head or run a school in the UK?

Hopkins: He gives good head.
Cashie writes: "Westworld" really went downhill in season 2.
Road Turtle writes: ...and that my boy, is how I met your mother. She was kidnapped by a robot.
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snavej writes: Mark's house in New Mexico burnt down in a wildfire, so he had to slum it in an English castle with some weirdoes.
snavej writes: Hey, do you wanna buy a mint condition G1 1984 Megatron? I found it in the attic this morning, among all the other family heirlooms and the rat colony.
snavej writes: What are you looking at, loser nerds?! Go away or my robot butler will tear you a new one!
snavej writes: Odin's Midgard disguise was totally convincing.
Road Turtle writes: ...and that my young padawan,is how I used the Matrix of Leadership to defeat Voldemort during the Battle of Five Armies when I was stationed on Babylon 5 over Eternia.
Road Turtle writes: Mos Eisley Spaceport, you'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
snavej writes: The rule of Flatcapimus Prime went largely unnoticed.
snavej writes: Hopkins: No, it's not a good idea to say 'Beast mode!' to this young lady coming down the road.

Cogman: Can women transform into dogs?

Wahlberg: Some do, over time.

Tank: OMG, misogyny alert!
snavej writes: Hopkins: Hot Rod approaches! It's funny: that's what I used to say when I visited lady friends in my youth.

Wahlberg: [Tries not to be sick.]
snavej writes: Hopkins: In my day, all this used to be internet commentators, as far as the eye could see. Nowadays, it's all blinkin' SHEEP.

Wahlberg: They haven't got any interesting thoughts and their sperm counts are plummetting! Mine's fine, though.
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snavej writes: Hopkins: Fancy a bit of English man-love, Mark?

Wahlberg: [Runs away.]

Cogman: [Sighs; bends over.]
snavej writes: When Dildotron transformed, the men knew that they were redundant.
snavej writes: Casting supervisor [out of shot]: Yes, you two would be fine to play the London gangsters called the Kray twins. Mark, you'll have to change your hairstyle. Anthony, you'll have to lose thirty years of age.

Cogman: I'll do the surgery.
snavej writes: Hopkins: At some point in the future, our little Prince George will become King George the Seventh. He will then unleash the redcoats to reconquer the Colonies!

Wahlberg: My plan is to die before then, so it's someone else's problem.
snavej writes: Wahlberg: Why is that apartment block on fire?

Hopkins: There were too many illegal immigrants in it, old boy. Someone had to cleanse it.

Cogman: Mark, switch to an English accent for your own safety!
snavej writes: Wahlberg: What is 'Wombling Free'? Is it one of your sickening British perversions!

Hopkins: Hmm ........... actually, yes it is!
snavej writes: Hopkins: 'What goes around, comes around'.

Wahlberg: Poor Mike! I didn't know you had twisters in the UK.

Cogman: He's going to be so dizzy when he lands!

Tank: The UK has more twisters than the US but they're smaller.
snavej writes: Wahlberg: In 2019, I'm doing two heist movies and a Middle East war movie. What are you doing?

Hopkins: Some cartoon voice-overs, 'Thor 4: Whack it Until it Dies' and then rectal cancer is penciled in for November.
snavej writes: Wahlberg: One of my dumb-bells fell off a shelf and crushed my Ultimate Ultra Magnus.

Hopkins: Mr. Agent, what should my response be? Alright. Mark, my agent advised me to say 'Ah Diddums!' with full English sarcasm.
snavej writes: Wahlberg: Those dodgy guys want to dump hazardous waste on your land.

Hopkins: No, not there you idiots! Windsor Castle is down south!

Cogman: You pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
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snavej writes: It was indeed disturbing seeing a rhino give birth to Jim Carrey [Ace Ventura 2 joke], especially since Jim was older and wrinklier in this expensive private re-enactment.
snavej writes: Thoughts:

Dog - FOOD.
Tank - Is that an ash or a beech?
Wahlberg - Naked ladies, naked ladies, naked ladies.
Hopkins - Naked old ladies, naked old ladies, naked old ladies.

[Futurama joke!]
snavej writes: Hopkins: Scaramouche, Scaramouche

Wahlberg: Will you do the fandango?

Cogman: Thunderbolt and lightning

Dog: Very very frightening

Tank: Sorry, I forgot my line. I'm dementioned.
snavej writes: Hopkins: If you could transform into something, what would it be?

Wahlberg: A horrific inside out beast of bone, gristle, muscle and guts to scare my kids straight.

Hopkins: You mean like in John Carpenter's 'The Thing'?

Wahlberg: Is that porn?
snavej writes: Hopkins: You know, I could be at home right now playing with my Trypticon.

Wahlberg: And I could be in my trailer playing with my Metroplex.

Hopkins: Why don't we bring them both and play with each other?!

Cogman: That would not help the bloodlin
snavej writes: Wahlberg: I'm too old for this ****!

Hopkins: I've retired from this ****, dear boy!

Cogman: I'm frakking six million years old, you pansies! Get over yourselves!

Tank: Wibble, wibble, I'm a Tribble!
snavej writes: Hopkins: I do hope that snavej's fan fiction is being well received.

Wahlberg: Do I look like I give a crap?

Dog: My droppings are a far superior product.
snavej writes: Hopkins: How long did you spend in the gym today, Mark?

Wahlberg: Two hours, fifteen minutes.

Hopkins: Cogman does my exercises for me. It's a great time saver!

Wahlberg: You're missing the point.
snavej writes: Hopkins: Things are going badly. Only one great warrior can save us.

Wahlberg: Wonder Woman? [Please let it be Wonder Woman!]

Cogman: My master is referring to O.J. Simpson, who is due out of prison in three months because of good behaviour.

snavej writes: John Turturro had escaped and was terrorising the village.
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snavej writes: Castletron had a very convincing disguise mode. No one could find him until he finally revealed himself.
snavej writes: It proved to be very difficult to organise a three-way between a dog, a tank and an alien robot. The desire was there but the practical problems were almost insurmountable.
snavej writes: They watched in dismay as John Goodman's incredible prosthetic robot body fell apart due to a lack of sticky tape.
snavej writes: Wahlberg: Transform into a washing machine and do my laundry!

Hopkins: Take some photos of us for the album!

Dog: Scoop my over-sized poop!

Cogman: Interspecies marriage isn't as good as I thought!
snavej writes: Later that year, Cogman gave up being a butler and went on social security. He then enjoyed a greater level of dignity and job satisfaction.
snavej writes: Mark knew that he couldn't win the wet T-shirt competition but he had a shot at winning the dirty, ragged T-shirt competition.
snavej writes: 'Here in the UK, we don't have Cheetoes, we have Wotsits.'
trailbreaker writes: "Why is someone continuing to put a Cheeto in my pipe?"
UnderYourCloset writes: Hopkins: You know, Mark, even though this is a Michael Bay movie, you can see I put heart into my character. When you act, you must never act like you are acting.

Cade: Wait, we're acting?

Hopkins: ...touché.
snavej writes: Wahlberg: Acting at 6.45am is f***in' s**t.

Cogman: Mr. Hopkins is still asleep. Somnambulism is sometimes helpful.
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snavej writes: Hopkins: For our next movie, I will be beloved children's pirate character 'Captain Pugwash' and you can be his lieutenant 'Master Bates'.

Wahlberg: As a family man, that would not suit my image, unless I got $100M.
snavej writes: After reading the script of 'Transformers 6: Suck Job of Unicron', they had to go out for a breath of good, wholesome, English country air.
snavej writes: They decided that Transformers were like Mexicans. The bad ones killed people. The good ones did useful work around the house and garden.
snavej writes: Hopkins: Someone put chilli powder on Mike's toilet paper. I know it's funny to watch him run around looking for water but maintain your serious expression to show that you're concerned.

Wahlberg: It's a good thing that I built up my facial muscles at
BattleConvoy writes: Hopkins: Now, if people had been smart in the election, UKIP would have formed a coalition with the BNP, but since they rig the election every year, it never happens.

Cogman: I don't care.

Wahlberg: Man, the English are retarded.
snavej writes: Nananananananananananananananana Cogman!
snavej writes: Wahlberg: I didn't know that the English upper classes shot Smurfs for sport!
snavej writes: Hopkinstron had perfected the 'old geezer' disguise and would soon unleash his terrible power ................ at the local council elections, voting multiple times for UKIP while disguised as many different old geezers.
snavej writes: If you thought train spotting was boring, wait until you try tank spotting!
snavej writes: Hopkins: ALL OTHER ACTORS SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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snavej writes: Hopkins: What's for dinner tonight, Cogman?

Cogman: Roast dog. No, I mean roast lamb. It's easy for an alien like me to confuse those two.

Wahlberg: I'm ordering take-out.
snavej writes: Sir Edmund insisted on showing Cade his collection of sheds, shacks, shanties and mini-barns. At the end of the day, Cade decided to end it all by jumping off the castle roof.
snavej writes: Hopkins: How are you after crossing the Atlantic?

Wahlberg: My bunch is funky. I need a shower, preferably with Laura Haddock.
Shauyaun writes: Cogman?
More like dog man
Shauyaun writes: "Well, cogman, have the lambs stopped screaming?"
"I mean the dog, has the dog stopped screaming Clarice?"
snavej writes: Hopkins: What are we supposed to be seeing here?

Wahlberg: Another damned green screen. I swear to God I'm going nuts here! I need some kind of relief. Laura, come over here and rub your chest on my face!
snavej writes: Hopkins: Do you have any idea how many I had to suck to get to where I am?

Wahlberg: We're not talking sweeties, are we?

Cogman: 976. I watched everything.
snavej writes: Cogman: Sirs, your consumption of 'special mushrooms' has been excessive lately.

Wahlberg: Uhhhhhh....

Hopkins: Ouhhhhh....

Dog: Woof! Need Scooby Snacks! Woof!
snavej writes: Hopkins: You can't sing, you can't dance, you have no experience, why should you be in 'The Full Monty' show?

Shia (out of shot): My little Shia can rotate like a propellor.

Wahlberg: The things I do for money...
snavej writes: Hopkins: What are your views on Brexit?

Wahlberg: It will keep out the Eastern Europeans and form part of a nutritious morning meal!
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snavej writes: Hopkins: We have an old mediaeval shower system here. Buckets of cold water are drawn from the well and then thrown at you. I prefer it if you're chained up while we do it.

Wahlberg: Cogman, where's the nearest five star hotel?

Cogman: Do I look l
snavej writes: Hopkins: I was the British Batman, you know. My Batcave is under our feet. My armoured Batmobile is behind us.

Cogman: I did all the work, you self-obsessed old fool! I defeated the British Joker, Mr. Stephen Fry!
snavej writes: Hopkins: You realise that they will make us into Bobbleheads for this movie? Little plastic caricatures, nodding our heads on springs...

Wahlberg: ****! ****! ********!
Mlgpapalouie writes: Cogman: you look fat mister burton
Hopkins: shut up you stupid robot
snavej writes: Hopkins: Summer's here, I've taken my medication and now I have the old man's horn.

Wahlberg: You're in luck, here comes Laura Haddock in a supercar!
snavej writes: Hopkins: That man is shouting at us to 'DO IT!'. He has a scary beard.

Wahlberg: I will do it. Give me a shovel or something please.
snavej writes: It was pointless to chase Shia through the woods and fields. It was easier to let him run and then track his tag the next day, when he was sleeping in a hedge somewhere.
snavej writes: Wahlberg: That guy's like Hitler!

Hopkins: I just cut through his chair seat with a sharp knife. Watch him fall through it when he sits down.
snavej writes: Ladiesman216, Ladiesman218 and Electrodong9000 agreed to meet up by the tank at the castle.
trailbreaker writes: Someone put another Cheeto in my pipe.
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steve2275 writes: are you sure there's a klingon bird of prey parked over there?
snavej writes: Mark was profoundly sad about first world problems and asked random old geezers for advice. Eventually, one of them gave him weedkiller in a Coke bottle and that was the end of him. He's depressed in heaven now. :-) :-(
snavej writes: The dog was frozen with indecision. Was Cogman to be obeyed like a human or urinated upon like a lamp post? Eventually, he realised that the answer was to do both.
snavej writes: Odin: My boy Thor is busy beating the Decepticons into abstract sculptures.

Funky human: No, he's mistransforming them. He hasn't read the instruction leaflets.

Cogman: I'll go and sort it out. [Walks off]
snavej writes: Hopkins: The Transformers are coming to kill us!

Wahlberg: Use the power of Odin to stop them.

Hopkins: Those were just movies.

Wahlberg: So is this! Banish them to Jotunheim!
snavej writes: Hopkins: I liked the joke about Rocket stuffing Peter's pillow with Drax's turds, in 'Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2'.

Wahlberg: That pillow was not fictional. I found it on my bed last night. Whoever put it there is DEAD!
snavej writes: Hopkins: My tank is actually the same one used by William the Conqueror at the Battle of Hastings in 1066.

Wahlberg: One more joke about American ignorance and I will punch you in your ancient groin.
snavej writes: They failed to put the chocks under the tank tracks. The tank rolled down the hill and damaged twenty eight cars. Two Japanese tourists were crushed but no one cared about them.
snavej writes: After 'The Last Knight', the cast reunited for a musical production of 'Everybody Poops'. The next year, they performed a dark and gritty version of 'Everybody Poops', which was quite painful for their bottoms.
snavej writes: Wahlberg: By the way, have you seen my kids? They were running around the set this morning.

Hopkins: I ate them. They were delicious with a bottle of Buckfast Tonic Wine, the most antisocial wine in Britain.
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snavej writes: Hopkins: We finally solved the mystery of 'Alien Big Cats' in the UK. Someone had been injecting house cats with massive doses of steroids.

Wahlberg: Well, it definitely wasn't me! They can't prove anything!

Cogman: Pants on fire!
snavej writes: Hopkins: We're going shooting today, Mark my boy.

Wahlberg: Clay pigeons?

Hopkins: No, 'Age of Extinction' DVDs.

[Wahlberg attempts to strangle Hopkins with his own neck tie.]
snavej writes: Towline was very useful in removing dead Transformers from the battlefield. Snavej, on the other hand, became too self-referential and disintegrated into globs of smelly jelly.
snavej writes: Hopkins: Do you know that we've just been featured on the BBC website?

Wahlberg: BBC? Is that the 'Bigger Buns Company', like from the movie 'Calendar Girls' where they needed bigger buns to cover their...

Hopkins (wistfully): If only...
Towline writes: Cade Yeager: Wow hasn't updated their caption contest in so long. Only Snavej is writing all the jokes.
Sir Edmund Burton: Snavej is better then that Towline chap.
Cogman: My Lord. I'm surprised Earth's internet is still functioning after
snavej writes: Hopkins: Did her. Did her. Did her. Nearly did her. Did her. Did her mother. Did her. Did him.

Wahlberg: Huh?

Hopkins: It was dark and I was very, very drunk at the time.
snavej writes: Cogman's stalkers tended to be obscenely overweight and menacing.
snavej writes: Hopkins: I'm proud of that vehicle there. It's the muck spreader with which I had my revenge on Barclays Bank in the town centre.

Cogman: I must tell the other Transformers not to take the form of a muck spreader.
snavej writes: Cogman dreamt of becoming a real boy, so he was always on the lookout for blue fairies. He found some in Soho but they were hairy fairies and they couldn't help.
DeathReviews writes: "Maybe if I stand here holding this PIPE long enough, people will think I'm actually intelligent."
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snavej writes: Hopkins: What did you do last night?

Wahlberg: I never 'did' The Last Knight, Tony. Damned cheek!

Tank: I did! It was heaven!

Cogman: I buffed my chrome, so to speak.
snavej writes: Sometimes, a sunny summer in the UK only lasted thirty minutes. Mark took off his jacket to make the most of it.
snavej writes: When Mary Poppins unzipped her skin, she revealed her true identity: Cogman! Coggier than any man ever!
snavej writes: Cogman: Do not anger Hot Rod. He really does have a 'hot rod' and he knows where to stick it. Humans find it most ... lethal.

Wahlberg: We should have worked on the Wonder Woman movie instead, Anthony.
snavej writes: They were not happy to be told that they were scheduled to dodge 547 bullets and 129 large explosions today. FFFFFUUUUUUUUU.....!!!!!!
snavej writes: When Sir Edmund Burton mentioned his collection of nude statues, Cade was hoping for beauties but instead found Jon Goodman, Roseanne Barr, Peter Griffin and the Elephant Man.
snavej writes: Hopkins: After filming, I like to go fishing in that lake over there.

Wahlberg: Oh, does the lake have fish?

Hopkins: No, I'm just strange, like John Turturro.
snavej writes: The two actors waited for the chance to put a nickel in Cogman's back slot and thus activate his high-kicking 'Can Can' dance mode.
snavej writes: Dog was on a secret quest to sniff as many bottoms as possible: celebrity bottoms, vehicle bottoms, alien bottoms and so forth. However, he went too far and soon hit rock bottom.
snavej writes: Wahlberg: What shall we do with the tank? It's totally obsolete.

Hopkins: I can use it as a shed. I need a place to put my gardening tools, dirty magazines and cat flea poisons.

Cogman: You have no cats.

Hopkins: So?
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snavej writes: 'If we stand here long enough, maybe the nerds will get bored and go away.' They didn't go away.
snavej writes: Finally, the penny dropped. The mechanical dragon and T-rex were there to outdo 'Game of Thrones'.
snavej writes: They regretted allowing Coldplay to headline a summer festival on their land. The cloud of depression lingered for years, adversely affecting their health.
snavej writes: Hopkins: No, no.

Wahlberg: No, no, no, no.

Cogman: No, no, no, no.

Tank: No, no, there's no limit!

Dog: Techno, techno, techno, techno!
snavej writes: Hopkins: Dame Judy Dench keeps sending me nude pictures.

Wahlberg: Of herself?

Hopkins: No, of some woman called Kim Kardashian. Lord knows how she gets them.

Cogman: The crazy world of showbiz!
snavej writes: 'Fenton! Fenton! Jesus Christ, FENTON!'
snavej writes: No one gave a darn about 'keeping off the grass' any more, except the highly civilized Tankor.
snavej writes: Hopkins: Is that the filthy hovel where snavej lives?

Wahlberg: It certainly is.

Hopkins: Mr. Tank, we have a job for you!
snavej writes: Later, Cogman, who was already on a final warning, was fired from the movie for attacking a producer who had failed to provide a steak dinner. He eventually found another job on the Amazon Prime show 'The Grand Tour' with the Neanderthal, Captain Slow an
snavej writes: Hopkins: Today is an excellent day for attacking the Germans!

Cogman: Are they like germs?

Hopkins: Yes, only bigger.

Wahlberg: Wait, my ancestors were German.

Hopkins: Dog, seize him!
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snavej writes: Hopkins: In the glade over there, you can see the fairies. All you have to do is eat a few special mushrooms and wait a short while. Then, the little folk appear and dance in a ring.

Cogman: Sounds like ridiculous fantasy nonsense to me.

snavej writes: It wasn't what you'd call a 'banging club night' in the castle grounds. However, the Serious Expression Competition was proceeding nicely.
snavej writes: Wahlberg: That UK Prime Minister Theresa May: would you?

Hopkins: Wait and see if she wins this General Election. Then I will check my 'Japanese election', if you know what I mean.

Cogman: Thank goodness I'm not human.
snavej writes: Hopkins: He's on the rampage. [Booming sounds]

Wahlberg: Galvatron? Grimlock? Trypticon?

Hopkins: No, Sean Spicer!

Cogman: We should leave now. We're not safe here. My shuttle can take us to Jupiter.
snavej writes: Cogman took the dog for a run at forty miles per hour. After a few hundred yards, it turned out to be a drag. The burden became somehow lighter at the two mile point. R.I.P. pooch.
snavej writes: Hundreds of cute, defenseless, CGI animals were harmed during the making of this motion picture. Also babies, pixies, nursery teachers and prize-winning vegetables.
snavej writes: They wondered why the alien robot was called 'CogMAN' when he was as smooth as an eight ball down there. Mark was reminded of his old G.I. Joes. Anthony was reminded of a plucked chicken, ready for roasting.
snavej writes: Tank was not cut out for life as a stalker.
snavej writes: They released the flying monkeys but they forgot about the power lines. Half of rural English county Devilledeggshire was blacked out when the unfortunate chimeric beasts shorted out the system.
snavej writes: Hopkins: What's this 'Go Go Flower Arrangers'movie?

Wahlberg: Heh! It's about a bunch of kids with super powers, robots and stuff. They want to save the world but they have to do overtime at the florists.

Cogman: Their studio is doomed.
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snavej writes: Wahlberg: What's that creature over there?

Hopkins: It's Gollum. He's been following us for three days.

Cogman: WTF? Wrong movie Gollum, you cretin!

Tank: I will give him directions to the nearest 'McGuffins 'R' Us'.
snavej writes: They never wanted to see another tennis ball on a stick ever again.
snavej writes: Wahlberg: What does 'Hopkins' mean? From where did the name originate?

Hopkins: My ancestors were cousins of the Munchkins and distant relatives of the Napkins.
EunuchRon writes: Hopkins: It seems Mr. Bay procured yet ANOTHER new 3D camera.
Cogman: Sirs, it has a Decepticon symbol on it.
Wahlberg: I've got a bad feeling about this...
snavej writes: Hopkins: I'd like us all to go on a quest for the Allfart, which is a mystical object and the source of all farts in the universe.

Wahlberg: How do we approach it? The smell must be lethal!

Cogman: I volunteer. I'm extremely bored and I need somet
snavej writes: What cats don't dream about.
snavej writes: What dogs dream about.
snavej writes: Cogman: Report from the webiverse - if this movie tanks, Paramount goes with it.

Hopkins: Don't care, already got an Oscar.

Wahlberg: You keep rubbing that in my face, you Welsh prick.

Tank: Did someone mention tanks?

Dog: At least I got a nic
snavej writes: Hopkins: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. What does yours do?

Wahlberg: Froths nicely and goes down smooth.

Cogman: Enslaves your mind and makes you do terrible things.

Tank: Shits all over your milkshake.

Dog: That's my job!
snavej writes: The Irish travellers were fly tipping again. The tank was employed against them.
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snavej writes: The Irish travellers were fly tipping again. The tank was employed against them.
snavej writes: This motley crew are going out dogging.
Me Grimlock King writes: Hopkins: The things I have to do to get cast in movies these days

Wahlberg:I bet its hard bringing that tank with you everywhere isnt it?

Hopkins: Yeah and everywhere it goes that !@#$ robot and dog have to go too
snavej writes: Hopkins: There's only one answer to a Decepticon assault.

Wahlberg: Eric Cartman isn't real: he's just a very poor CGI character.

Cogman: The proper countermeasure is the 'Barney' theme tune played at ridiculous volume. I'll call Blaster.
snavej writes: Donald Trump's ambitious multi-storey golf course scheme appalled the neighbours. Luckily, they had the firepower to prevent construction.
User897 writes: Sir, I am downwind from you. Don't do it. SIR....
trailbreaker writes: "I like big butts."
snavej writes: Wahlberg: I'm the best actor.

Hopkins: No, I am.

Cogman: I am clearly the best. I was taught by Calculon of New New York! [Futurama reference]

Dog: Mmm, ham!
snavej writes: Discussing where to put the petunias, the fuschias and the 25,000 autodefence plasma cannons. No stinking Decepticon is going to steal that Oscar!
snavej writes: Wahlberg: I bet this lawn needs a lot of summer watering.

Hopkins: Yes, so I have many large water butts around the estate.

Tank: Is this a set-up for a line about big butts?

Cogman: Honestly, I like them.

Dog: Ba-boom tish!
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snavej writes: Posing for an all-star group photo: not quite as good as the ones at the Oscars.
snavej writes: Wahlberg: Want to look away but can't...

Hopkins: Too dreadfully captivating...

Cogman: Yes, that's how the baby Dinobots are made. They don't care who watches.

Tank: My metal boner is stuck in the ground!
EunuchRon writes: Wahlberg: Who is that guy, and why does he keep staring at us?

Hopkins: He goes by the name Snavej. He's been captioning us for about three weeks now.

Cogman: Is there any chance you could convince him to hold this leash for a while? I've been
snavej writes: Discussing the British biscuit harvest with Mr. McVitie and son, Cogman is unaware of the 'April Fool' concept.
snavej writes: Hopkins: I mean, can you imagine the hordes of nerds looking at us right now: maybe a billion of them altogether.

Wahlberg: So ... many ... nerds!

Cogman: Helloo, Lego Batman!

Tank: I got some shut-ins here, operating my engine and guns.
snavej writes: Hopkins: Look, it's the latest Decepticon reinforcements, all 500,000 of them.

Wahlberg: Now I really need the toilet.

Cogman: Me too; I have to drop some copper bolts and a scattering of ball bearings!
snavej writes: Wahlberg: What's that huge, hideous blob over there? Is it the corpse of Mrs. Wolowitz?

Hopkins: No, it's Mike's bloated sense of self-importance. It's been made manifest by the power of the tinternet.

Cogman: Ooh, 'Forbidden Planet' style!
snavej writes: Hopkins: You see, Mark, the toy sheep are small but those real sheep over there are far away. Can you tell the difference?

Wahlberg: No

Hopkins: Aah, forget it!

Cogman: Father Ted, is that you? I'm your old friend Father Roboto!
snavej writes: Hopkins: What's the deal with this 'Rodimus Prime' fellow? Does he have a prime rod?

Wahlberg: It's boasting. The rod is sub-prime and prone to sudden collapse.
snavej writes: Hopkins: Would you ... with Cogman?

Wahlberg: No, he has blades in there. I'll take the dog.

Dog: No sausages!
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snavej writes: Hopkins: Inside my walking stick, there is a reservoir for whisky ... or urine. Want a little drink, Marky Boy?

Wahlberg: Funk dis! [Jumps under tank.]
snavej writes: Hopkins: There will be a 500-foot statue of me on that hill next year.

Wahlberg: Strange, I didn't know that you had 500 feet. Anyway, it will be dwarfed by the 1000-metre statue of me!

Dog: I will urinate on both of them.
snavej writes: Hopkins: ...and over there is my ancient pyramid complex full of undead mummies and Tom Cruises.

Wahlberg: Tom Cruise is undead AND plural? That would explain a lot.

Dog: Superstitious mumbo jumbo. Cogman here is actually real!
snavej writes: Hopkins: Mike's really freaking out! Where did you hide all the explosives?

Wahlberg: In the septic tank behind the castle.

Cogman: We just wanted a short break for tea and scones. This filming schedule is punishing!
snavej writes: Hopkins: You guys from the 'Combat Dealers' TV show want to buy my tank? Watch the Transformers movie (2007) for a cautionary tale!

Wahlberg: That guy bought a beat-up Camaro and ended up with chronic alcoholism and legal troubles.
snavej writes: Hopkin's Oscar came to life and started walking the dog. Hopkins couldn't deal with it and tried to ignore it by talking at length to other actors.
BattleConvoy writes: Burton: I once made a robot.
Cade: You mean the C3PO knock off?
Burton: Shut it Redneck or I'll send you to meet the queen, she knows kung fu, you know.
Cade: ...
snavej writes: The Autobot fire truck called Inferno turned out to be a superb muck spreader on the farm. His jets of liquid slurry fertilized the fields in a matter of minutes and could be smelt for many miles around.
snavej writes: Hopkins: If these blighters don't get off my land, I'll...

Wahlberg: Send in the tank?

Hopkins: No, I'll send in my wife, 'the Welsh Dragon' to give them a piece of her vicious mind.
snavej writes: The humans finally discover that the metal cylinders littering the countryside are not a Decepticon plot but rather Transformer droppings. They wish that they could unsee what they've just seen.
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snavej writes: The Transformers cinematic universe holds discussions on how it is going to invade and destroy the Marvel cinematic universe. After that great victory, there will be rest and refreshment followed by a campaign against the Pirates of the Caribbean franchi
snavej writes: Wahlberg: What flavour ice cream do you want?

Hopkins: Rum and raisin.

Cogman: Diesel and antifreeze.

Dog: Sausages.

Tank: I wanna get down with that super cute ice cream truck! Hubba hubba!
Optimum Supreme writes: "No dog humping. That was my one requirement to Mr. Bay for appearing in this picture" "Uh yeah, about that, I don't like the way your dog's looking at the robot" "Balls!"
EunuchRon writes: Hopkins: A Decepticon once tried to test me. I ate his transformation cog with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

Wahlberg: Uh... I don't think you're going to get another Oscar for that bit.

trailbreaker writes: "Someone stuck a Cheeto in my pipe ."
BG the Robit writes: C-3PO, walk my dog.
snavej writes: Hopkins: There's a Bank Holiday starting tomorrow.

Wahlberg: So?

Hopkins: Our filming schedule is screwed for three whole bloomin' days.

Cogman: Up to our asses in tourists.

Dog: I like asses.
snavej writes: Hopkins: Is that the same T-shirt you wore in Age of Extinction?

Wahlberg: I never even washed it. I'm authentically filthy.

Cogman: Your method acting goes too far, sir!
snavej writes: Hopkins: When I see a chance, I'm going to smuggle out that castle under my coat.

Wahlberg: I'm going to hide the tank in my underpants and take it away with me.

Cogman: And I will perform the 'Riverdance'!
snavej writes: Wahlberg meets his future self. And also Anthony Hopkins, a robot and a dog.
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snavej writes: 'Merry Christmas from the People of a Weird Future! There won't be a happy new year, though. Trump will press a button to call for chocolate cake but he will press the nuclear button by mistake. Enjoy yourselves while you can.'
snavej writes: Hopkins: Learn your history, Mark. The time of the castle ended when the apes gained intelligence. They could climb into any castle and take over. All the broken glass in the world couldn't stop them!

Wahlberg: Someone sabotaged Wikipedia again.
snavej writes: Tank: I am the best damned actor in the world! Look at my tremendous range! I can play anyone but where's MY Oscar? Hollywood is so biased against primitive metal fighting machines.
froonet512 writes: "Let's stare at the camera, even though there is a robot walking a dog, a tank, and a castle in the other direction!"
snavej writes: Hopkins: Hey Mike! Mike! I bet you're glad that your last name isn't 'Hunt'! Ha ha ha, do you like that one?

Wahlberg: I'm not with him.

Cogman: Dementia is so cruel.

Dog: Galvatron, the time to strike is now!
snavej writes: Hopkins: Well, our dog walking problem is a thing of the past now.

Wahlberg: Yeah, we're free to sit in our castle, eat lots of cake and become ridiculously fat.

Hopkins: The lemon raspberry cake is MINE!
snavej writes: Mr. Burns: Smithers, what is that rampaging engine of destruction powering towards us?

Smithers: That's Homer Simpson, sir. He's one of your drones from sector 7G.

Mr. Burns: Release the Metroplexes!
snavej writes: 'Wizard of Oz' (2019 remake) casting news: some promising candidates, others not. Also, Dorothy never had a tank or 'baysplosions'. Furthermore, a large quantity of yellow bricks were needed.
snavej writes: Hopkins: Hey, all of you out there: you collect toys but we've got REAL robots!

Wahlberg: It's a man in a morph suit with ping pong balls stuck all over.
84everfan writes: On the light side, is G1. On the shadow side, is Kiss Players. We must never go there.
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Ig89ninja writes: Quick, let's get out of here before snavej zings us again! (This was inspired by some other guy from the combiner wars poster)
snavej writes: Wahlberg: So, you're 'Sir Edmund Burton', eh?

Hopkins: I asked for 'Sir Edmund Blackadder' but some wise-arse knew about that and refused.

Cogman: They wouldn't let me be 'Eggman' or 'Walrus'.

Tank: Woof!
snavej writes: Wahlberg: Effing hell, a big piece of Cybertron just fell on Birmingham, England.

Hopkins: There goes my favourite fish and chip shop!

Cogman: Nothing to do here! [Sneaks away.]
snavej writes: Hopkins: One day son, all this will be yours.

Cogman: Actually, it's ours. We came here millions of years ago and claimed the whole planet. Now, get in your rocket and go before my friend the tank destroys you.
snavej writes: Hopkins: So we build a high-fat, high-sugar supermarket on the left, a liposuction clinic on the right and we make a fortune!

Cogman: You're worse than Galvatron!
snavej writes: Taking the tank for a walk in the beautiful English countryside, as you do.
snavej writes: Hopkins: Have you seen what those damned robots did to my tractor? They turned it into a tank!

Wahlberg: You should see what they did to my hot tub! Those kids are so traumatised now...
snavej writes: Hopkins: They had to remove my prostate last year. They replaced it with a very small Transformer. It's doing a marvellous job down there. That's a tip for you in the future. Transformers are good for something after all!

Wahlberg: [Coughs,stares a
snavej writes: Cogman: Mr. Hopkins, is it true what they say? Are you a cannibal?

Hopkins: Go to HELL, effing toaster!

Cogman: You might consider branching out; dog meat, for instance.

Wahlberg: [Tries and fails to hide his laughter.]
snavej writes: Hopkins: Let's just walk away from this Transformers film and go over there to make a documentary about organic crop rotation.

Wahlberg: Won't they miss us?

Hopkins: No, they can replace us with CGI.

Cogman: Can I come?

Wahlberg: Organics only
- Back to top -
snavej writes: Wahlberg: I don't get good service in my trailer anymore. They hate me because I insist that they remove all the brown M&Ms from the bowl.

Hopkins: Next time, don't do that. Use the brown M&Ms to sweeten your coffee. Stir well, though.
snavej writes: Wahlberg: There's a big dog behind us. Now's our chance to...

Hopkins: ...RELEASE ALL THE FARTS and blame it on the dog!

Cogman: [Farts poison gas. Everyone else dies.]
snavej writes: Wahlberg: The brakes just failed on the tank. It's starting to roll down the hill.

Hopkins: That tank's so slow, we have five minutes to step out of the way.
snavej writes: This is one of the less weird scenes from the new 'Twin Peaks' series. A-Listers? Check. WW1 tank? Check. Random dog? Check. Castle? Check. Alien robot? Check. Sorted!
snavej writes: The 'Ralph and Ted' sketches from 'The Fast Show' (BBC comedy) had a Hollywood makeover and went off on a darkly wild sci-fi tangent. Charlie Higson and Paul Whitehouse became rich but died of embarrassment.
snavej writes: Hopkins: Over there, behind that small clump of trees, I did the nasty with your mother.

Cogman: Could I try that?

Wahlberg (appalled and saddened): Good luck with that, tin man. She's just ashes in a box now.
snavej writes: Wahlberg: I can't wait to go home and sit by the fire, occasionally adding another bundle of $100 bills.

Hopkins: I'm going shopping for high-waisted trousers.

Dog (with foreign accent): Bayrk, bayrk!
snavej writes: Hopkins: Galvatron wants us to strip mine this whole area for minerals but I say 'To hell with that'! I'm going to ask Brian and the volunteers to plant a wide variety of pretty flowers and install a water feature.
snavej writes: Wahlberg: That last burrito must've been bad. I just shat my pants.

Hopkins: You could buy some tea towels from the gift shop and make yourself a nice skirt to replace those stinky kecks!

Cogman: Great news! My right leg transforms into a sewing m
snavej writes: Hopkins: All those Brits worrying about a little bomb in Manchester, they have no idea of the carnage that they're about to face! [Transforms into a gigantic death machine.]
- Back to top -
snavej writes: The dog was Carnivac. It transformed and killed everyone. Then it urinated on the tank.
snavej writes: Hopkins: The huge warehouse full of digital animators is going in the lower field there. The vault full of dollar bills will be in the two west fields.

Wahlberg: Look how happy I am about that!

Cogman: I have to leave soon. The Ewok State Visit is
snavej writes: Hopkins: Damned streakers paint themselves silver and come through here. I get rid of them with my shotgun.

Wahlberg: I didn't realize that eccentric landowners had such a hard time in the YouKay.

Cogman: The dog just defecated. I'm not touching t
snavej writes: Cogman: How can I stop the dog from sniffing my crotch?

Wahlberg: Stop dispensing dog biscuits from there!
snavej writes: Hopkins: I've smoked fake pipes since I was two and it hasn't done me any harm. You Americans and metal folk are soft! Soft, I tell you!
snavej writes: Since the estate was owned by the National Trust, everyone had to eff off by 5pm, unless they hid behind a bush. The café shut and they couldn't even get a coffee to go.
snavej writes: Hopkins: When I was a lad, all this was just castles, as far as the eye could see.

Wahlberg: They cut them all down to put in effing grass.

Cogman: A-holes, the lot of them!

Dog: Sausages!
snavej writes: Megatron's latest disguise, complete with flat cap, even fooled the keen senses of the dog!
snavej writes: Wahlberg: If he keeps talking about farm stuff, I'm going to jump in front of a tank and end it all.

Cogman: You're in luck, sir!
snavej writes: I tell you boyo, those robot sheep are not as good as the real thing, at night in the back shed, if you know what I mean!
- Back to top -
snavej writes: Welsh news: Cardiganshire sheep farmer blags his way into blockbuster movie, refuses to buy belt for trousers due to 'high cost' and spends the next few weeks constantly pulling trousers back up again.
BattleConvoy writes: Look I ripped off star wars - AGAIN.
SnoopDawg writes: "Dr. Grant, my dear Dr. Sattler... Welcome to Jurassic Park."
Microraptor writes: Ahh, Mr Yaeger! Come, i'd love to have you for dinner!
Quantum Surge writes: ...and that's how Cogman received his name, Sir Yeagar...
Ig89ninja writes: ... and that is how I built the dog-walker-9000
william-james88 writes: ... and then I ate his tongue
Black Hat writes: "And this is where I've been squirrelling away the money that was supposed to go to HasTak's toy development budget!"
Transtech Rhinox writes: ...and that, Mr Yeager, that is how I discovered the wrong way to eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. Wait, what were we talking about again?
Towline writes: Sadly there aren't many options to keeping Downton Abbey in the family without being in your President Ronald Wilson Reagan's eyes. A Welfare Queen. So it was either being a secret "Last Knight base.". Or a set for the Crane Gang on BBC2.
- Back to top -
Deadput writes: "See Mr.Yeager you can have a peaceful life while living with aliens."
william-james88 writes: I'm in the mood for a nice chianti, why don't you join me?
- Back to top -

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Transformers Podcast: Twincast / Podcast #244 - Call Me Maybe
Twincast / Podcast #244:
"Call Me Maybe"
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Posted: Saturday, March 28th, 2020

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