This is
WARPORNNEWSNETWORKmaking a profit out of a crisis.
Tonight with your favourite co-hosts, Nemesis Wheelie and
Tits McGee Zombi Cheerleader
- Hello Minions, I'm Zombie Cheerleader, welcome to our Minicon special.
- Good evening. I'm Nemesis Wheelie. On tonight's show I'll be looking into the military applications of forcing a helpless lifeform to join your war, even if it leads to their extinction in the process.
- And I'll be giving you the lowdown on how best to care for your Minicons to keep them at optimum battle efficiency whilst trapped inside their little red and white ball.
- ...wait, what?
- But first we go to a pre-recorded interview with Minicon specialist, the Autobot Hot Shot, who until last Thursday was Cybertrons premier hunter of these little guys and who, controversially, also likes jAam.
Minicon hunting is a simple sport, pure in the fact that its just you versus the helpless little bugger. That makes it easy to trap once you have found it, but locating them - that's the hard part! These things are barely 1.5 meters tall, without keen senses and a quick wits you'll tread on them if you're not careful.
- So Hot Shot, how do you answer your critics that using Minicons in battle was is the enslavement of a helpless race, draining it of power and forcing it to fight for its life simply to allow you to shoot a red laser instead of a green one? Do you not think that's cruel?
No, I don't. See, these things aren't like people, they're more like pets. Once you catch them in your specialised electrified-net they don't try to reason with you or escape, they just swear continually until you clip them on wherever you need them to enhance your performance in everyday life, they aren't exclusively used in battle you know!
- So how did you react to the news that, as their population declined on this universes Cybertron, they would be extinct in under a month?
Like this: NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! But then I found me some of these other guys, almost as tiny as Minicons, but I'm yet to squeeze much power out of them - usually they just scream when I impale them on their peg...
- Um, are you sure those are actually Minicons there, it was our understanding that they went extinct almost 4 years ago...
...eh? So what's this little guy all about th-*explosion*
- Um... Very informative Hot Shot, thank you very much.
- We have just been asked to read this statement out from the Micromasters Defence League, which appears to have ...Hot Shots severed head attached?.. oh.
MDL wrote:"Guzzlers! Micromasters are not, REPEAT NOT, Minicons. The next brightly coloured idiot who tries to insert one of us into ANYTHING will find out exactly how Big Daddy got his name. Understood??"
- You heard it here first! WarPorn News Network, education that you'd never get at university.
- That's all we have time for, tune in next week when we look at Immigration control and ask the question that's on everybody's lips currently: Nebulons, are they legal in hand luggage?
- So, until next time this is WWPN, making a profit our of a crisis, saying good night!