there was 2 scripts for gi joe it was reported here that they did and earlier script from David Elliot and Paul Lovett
A VERY PISSED OF EL MAYIMBE HERE!
Quite a week for 80’s toy properties. We got a new kick ass; TRANSFORMERS trailer here, we just got word that there will be a HE-MAN film that Joel Silver is producing, a Voltron film is in the works…
…but what of that other 80’s property? G.I. JOE?
Bad news folks!
Really bad news!
G.I JOE’s biggest foe is not Cobra, or Cobra-la, or extremist terrorists, arms dealers, or maniacal tyrants…
…G.I. JOE’s biggest enemy, its toughest challenge, a villain so narrow-minded in his vision and focus that he threatens to run this property into ground is none other than…
…LORENZO DIBONAVENTURA!
A studio exec!
G.I. JOE has never faced this tough an adversary as DiBonaventura.
Lorenzo is going to kill this beloved franchise.
I have been a fan of G.I. JOE since 1982. My specialty is intelligence gathering (screenplays). Have every issue of the Marvel run (all 155 issues) and the awesome and current Devil’s Due run. I have the miniseries on DVD. Watched every episode faithfully as a kid. I remember the first ground breaking miniseries in 1983 on NY WPIX 11 when I was 10 years old like it was yesterday. I remember post 9/11 when G.I. JOE was relaunched by Devil’s Due to a resounding success. I started collecting scripts in the hope that one day I would have me the G.I. JOE script.
I try to do good with this column and I’m in a position to perhaps bring about change in a particular screenplay’s development. So here is one such case - one that I am passionate about. One thing I will not allow to happen is the desecration, the disembowelment, the utter disregard, and the disrespect to this beloved franchise from my childhood.
I’m fighting for freedom wherever there is trouble (this dumb script) because G.I. JOE is there. Somebody has to fight for the fans around the world.
I will not allow a studio exec who simply does not get this property at all to DESTROY IT!
When I recently read that Lorenzo abandoned Elliot and Lovett’s draft, which we reviewed earlier, and that he wanted to do ACTION MAN and a G.I. JOE buddy team-up movie, I CRINGED!
I tracked this script down and my worst fears all became realized.
SKIP WOODS’ draft of G.I. JOE is a resounding disaster and a catastrophe. Everything that is wrong with Hollywood is in this one script.
The character of ALEX MANN or ACTION MAN has absolutely no **** business being in a G.I. JOE movie simply because you worked with Mark Wahlberg and Four Brothers was a success.
That is not a good enough reason to force a character into a script because you want to work with this actor again.
A G.I. JOE buddy team-up movie is just plain wrong! That is like teaming up the Autobots with Gigantor or the Gobots to help battle the Decepticons.
CORNY!
By the way Lorenzo, G.I. JOE around the world was called ACTION FORCE, not ACTION MAN. Do your homework.
You see, the unsung heroes of THE TRANSFORMERS are Don Murphy and Tom DeSanto. These guys fought for the fans. G.I. JOE has no such luxury.
But I am picking up the slack.
Where do I even begin?
My spies at Paramount tell me that Lorenzo simply does not get COBRA and that whole angle and is dead set on doing ACTION MAN – hence the stupid Alex Mann character.
That’s a serious problem.
Back to THE TRANSFORMERS for a sec; if you got no Decepticons, then you got no Autobots. It’s that simple. They are both looking for the energon cube here on Earth. Again simple, THE TRANSFORMERS is such a simple story and as long as the writing team understood those 3 basic principles – the Autobots, the Decepticons, the hunt for the energon Cube here on Earth – you couldn’t possibly fail. You can take creative license with giving Optimus lips or what not, or with what they transform into, what they look like these days, but don’t ignore those 3 basic principles.
There is 25 years of history and a mythology with the current G.I. JOE universe.
Folks, you know the name of the main henchman in Skip’s G.I. JOE draft?
You ready for this?
COOL DUDE
Lorenzo, you mean to tell me that you had to pay an A-List writer his six figure quote to give you an original henchman with a stupid **** name like COOL DUDE without having the writer or your development staff go down to Meltdown Comics on Sunset or that other comic shop on Melrose, look up the G.I Joe Battle Files Sourcebook for like 5 bucks and not come up with STORM SHADOW, ZARTAN, MAJOR BLUDD, DESTRO or even FIREFLY?!
Are you kidding me?
You know how many cool bad guys exist in G.I.JOE?!
But no, we have to settle for COOL DUDE who is more like CORNY DUDE!
That’s just the tip of the iceberg.
So for the fans what Joes are in this?
DUKE, FLYNT, SNAKE EYES, HI-TECH, HEAVY DUTY, and SCARLETT, along with ALEX MANN.
But folks, these Joes are not what you grew up reading in comics or watching on television. These are bizarro level bastardizations of these characters.
SNAKE EYES speaks in this script, has some eye trouble – hence his name (how **** original), wears big shades and gets his vocal cords slashed towards the end by COOL DUDE of all people – hence becoming the silent Snake Eyes we all know.
ALEX MANN, DUKE, and SCARLETT are in a love triangle – hence our subplot. She is Duke’s ex girlfriend, marries Alex, and dies at the midpoint at the hands of the Baroness. Consider her lucky she got out this wretched draft early. Any G.I. JOE fan with some common sense knows that Scarlett had a thing for SNAKE
EYES and not DUKE.
Who are the wannabe Cobras or bad guys?
RYAN, a CIA OFFICIAL who speaks in “dudespeak” and on the last page becomes the cobra commander of this wretched script, THE BARONESS, and COOL DUDE. Ryan is the CIA official who strings along G.I. JOE and the twist is that Ryan is THE NAJA, the main bad guy/arms dealer that G.I. JOE has been looking for all along. Ryan even gives that obligatory clichéd why I did it and became evil speech – literally before our big showdown.
That’s it. I hated the Ryan character. He belongs on Venice Beach hitting the waves. THE BARONESS is this henchwoman hot Mata Hari chick with a cobra tattoo down her back. DUMB. DUMB. DUMB.
What’s the stupid plot?
COOL DUDE launches a shoulder-mounted nuclear missile into downtown HONG KONG, and he takes out a couple of city blocks and thousands of civilians. The G.I. JOE team investigates the arms back to AYOOB, an arms dealer who knows the secret identity of THE NAJA, which ends up being Ryan, the CIA official who was stringing along the G.I.JOE team.
That’s it.
This stupid script should be called COBRA BEGINS because the Cobra’s story literally begins on the last page.
What’s worse is that all the characters in this script talk like rejects from SWORDFISH and PULP FICTION dishing it out like they really wanted to be in those movies.
Don’t get me wrong, I like Skip Woods, but HE IS TOTALLY THE WRONG MAN for this script.
Way too much exposition, way too much wise-ass wannabe cracks, and way too many speeches.
For all the exposition in this script, they don’t tell the audience how these soldiers became G.I. JOE. It’s just a military man themed script with the G.I. JOE title slapped on it.
A **** insult.
At least Elliot and Lovett were going somewhere and had a good starting point in their draft, which we reviewed earlier.
Now I am the most liberal of the story editors in this town and let a lot slide, but when you go against the fundamentals of a mythology that has existed for 25 years, then you and I are going to have problems.
Lorenzo, instead of calling you names, which won’t solve anything, I am going to help you out, buddy, in perhaps saving this franchise, which has the potential of making a lot of money. You got the potential for a great franchise here.
Here it goes…
First abandon the corny idea of a G.I. JOE/ACTION MAN buddy team-up movie. LET ACTION MAN GO! IT’S CORNY AND IT WON’T WORK! KILL ALEX MANN OR I WILL! KILL ALEX MANN!
Bury this draft, thank Skip for trying to come up with a take, and move on and get yourself another writer. This script needs to come from a writer that understands this material. Contact Larry Hama or Josh Blaylock or Joe Casey. Passionate writers of the material who get it and had major success with it. Any of those guys could come up with a kick-ass treatment or beat sheet for G.I. JOE.
If you really need a Hollywood writer, then go with Stuart Beattie. We'll review his awesome WITHOUT REMORSE soon and he has consistently delivered. If there is a Hollywood writer out there that can kick this material’s ass it would definitely be Stuart Beattie. Not available? These writers' black op or military themed scripts ROCK! - Dan Weiss, Tony Gilroy, Brian Helgeland.
ONCE AGAIN, LET ACTION MAN GO! NO **** ACTION MAN! REALLY BAD AND CORNY IDEA!
NO DUDESPEAK! CIA OFFICIALS DON’T UTTER THE WORD DUDE!
Respect Snake Eyes and his origin – the super cool Boba Fett character of the G.I. JOE universe.
Pick up any of the recent excellent Devil’s Due G.I. JOE, SNAKE EYES, SCARLETT DECLASSIFIED one-shots as an excellent starting point for a G.I. JOE origin movie story.
That is pretty much it for now. I hated what Skip Woods did to G.I. JOE so passionately that I burned the script in my barbecue over the weekend. I am trying to erase the memory that I wasted two hours reading the biggest and most disrespectful piece of **** script I have ever reviewed for this column. I refuse to accept that script as a G.I. JOE script. I am not having it and folks, I will continue watchdogging this franchise and the development of the G.I. JOE script until this studio executive gets it.
Lorenzo, I really want you to succeed. Really I do. I want you to give us fans at least 2 – 3 G.I. JOE movies, but sir – find a writer that will nail this property and come up with a great take. This franchise, like Transformers, has so much cinematic potential. Go down to a comic book store and pick up some G.I. JOE comics, especially the Devil’s Due ones. Those guys did such a great job updating and contemporizing G.I. JOE for today’s times – I can’t recommend them enough here. Josh Blaylock and Joe Casey. It would be so gravy if you can really have Larry Hama on board as either a technical consultant or even as a writer who can come up with the story. Take Frank Miller for example and look at what wonders happen at the box office when his source material is respected. You do the same here with Hama and you will have the same kind of success. THAT I PROMISE! Give Larry a call!
You can take as much creative license as you want, like you guys did with TRANSFORMERS, but respect the origins and the source material.
Remember Lorenzo, I WILL BE WATCHING YOU!
UNTIL THE NEXT G.I. JOE DRAFT…
…YO JOE!
