The Energon Pub

It's time to continue. And there's no way I can leave out the Unicron Trilogy on this one!

#17: Maritime Vehicles

Yep, it's time for Maritime. To be more precise, boats, hovercrafts, catermerans and hydrofoils are all open game here.

I kinda feel sorry for some of the Autobots by the time Season Two was coming to an end. Not only did they have to put up with Slingshot, but they had to put up with some very daft vocal quirks. Let's take an innocuous phrase like "I like to party" and put it through the Autobot voice-ometer. Can you guess who the following bots are?

* "Ah laike to pardy!"

* "I BLAM like to KABOOM party!"

* "Hey dudes, I'm feeling hearty; let's get down, I like to party!"

* "Hey man, I, like, like to party."

* " I sometimes prefer to utilise my time in the pursuit of merriment."

* "I likubble to partubble!"

Did you guess? That's right, they were all Bluestreak. But the last one was Bluestreak doing an impression of Seaspray.


"I'm Aquaman. No wait, Batman. Batman."

Being a Minibot, Seaspray never exactly had much articulation, or the most complex transformation, but he was the only one who could undertake naval missions. Well, except for the guys who could fly, I guess. And all the carbots who, it turned out, had waterskies built into their tyres. Life kinda sucked for Seaspray, and he had a voice like a coffee perculator. That said, he did once transform into a He-man clone and have a relationship with a hot mermaid, so fair go to him. You wonder where he was during the movie? He was bunking up with the Little Mermaid.


"Sometime's when there's no-one around, I like to land on myself."

Broadside is sadly the least cool of the Triple-changers. Apart from the BRAIN ANEURISM, MAN that happens when you try to understand how he can change into both an aircraft and an aircraft carrier, his toy bio reveals that he hasn't exactly won the Alt Mode lottery. He's scared of heights, gets seasick, and tends to rust.


On the plus side, he's got wicked jet-slippers.

A couple of the Pretenders turned into things that might resemble boats if you were blind, drunk, and dead. Let's "pretend" they never happened...


"Bread!" "Apples!" "Very small rocks!" "Cider!" "Gravy!" "Cherries!" "Mud!" "Churches!" "Lead! Lead!"
"A Duck."

Seawatch forms one of the four great pillars of the emergency services: Police, Ambulance, Fire, and the, er, Coast Guard. His figure is about as good as the eight-million other Micromasters.

Sadly, there's no picture of Flat-top (if there were, the caption would have to be "SONIC BOOM!") but he was a Micromaster with a jet mode whose base was an aircraft carrier (that's how you do it, Broadside). This guy was one of the better Micromaster sets in my opinion.


"I like my women like I like my crotchplates: large, white, and pointy"

I skipped Quickswitch when it came to Big Cats, as I already had enough pumas on my plate (that's why Bravestarr and I don't talk anymore) but in my opinion he's one of the most under-rated figures of G1. Sure he may have a pretty low-slung torso (that's secret code for "shovel-crotch") but his alt-modes are generally good and his Hydrofoil mode is very original and fun. He's an easy target really but I love 'im.


"I thought we did Stingrays alre...oh, okay."

Manta Ray is one of the Rotor Force, complete with eye-putting-out fan-launching action and wonderful nineties X-treme colours. He might not live up modern sensibilities, but I like this guy.

It was the Unicron Trilogy that really brought boats to the fore. The Armada line featured the Sea Minicon team, consisting of Oceanglide, Stormcloud and Waterlog (Stormcloud being both the only one who shares his name with a G! character and the only one who doesn't sound like a type of lube).


"You left the gas on." "Oh, frigate!"

Tidal Wave was one of the shining stars of Armada. He was impressively able to transform into three ships which were capable of merging into a super-mega-ship which formed a whole level in the Armada computer game. This guy is definitely one of the must have figures from the Armada line. He even came with a minicon jet who worked with the aircraft carrier's extra functions.


"My friends call me Yamato."

Half of Omega Supreme from Energon formed a mighty Battleship. This guy was armed to the nines and made an impressive addition to any shelf. And that's all I've got to say about that.


"Dern-den....dern-den...derndenderndernderndern"

Sharkticon had a very pretty Alt Mode. I'm not sure whether it's supposed to be a submarine, a spaceship, a shark or what, but it looks fantastic.


"No, I've never met Tracks. Why do you ask?"

Mirage was a heavily-armed battleboat. He has nothing but the fondest respect for Galvatron. He also got repainted into BotCon figwank Banzai-tron.

Yeah, as you might be able to guess, I don't own any of the Energon boats.


"Wait, I'm not Seaspray? Why the hell not?!?"

Shortround was a Decepticon in Cybertron, and rather charmingly he's a toy-collecting nerd! I knew there was something I liked about him.


Mo' like thunderCLAP, amiright?

Thunderblast was a sexy fembot complete with jiggling, nippled breasts. I am not kidding. She was not exactly a paragon of femininity with her habit of more-or-less leg-humping whoever the strongest guy around was. She also got repainted into every other fembot ever.


"G1 Boss is going as the -mobile, Cybertron Sideways is gonna be the -wing, and I'm the -boat. Best Bat-vehicle party ever!

Depth Charge (and the repaint pictured here, Sonar) are amongst the top-notch movieverse scouts, and are so far the only boats in the line (though I hear that Evac has a little dinghy). These guys are very well articulated for their size class and have ball-jointed missile arrays. Very nice.

At the time of writing, the figure that everyone's in a tizzy about is ROTF/Universe 3.0 Seaspray. It's deja vu all over again.

Until next time, that's just Prime!

Diem wrote:Depth Charge (and the repaint pictured here, Sonar) are amongst the top-notch movieverse scouts, and are so far the only boats in the line (though I hear that Evac has a little dinghy).

Hey, now, no need to harp on Evac's... shortcomings!

They help our disabled. They drink our tea. They aid Clint Eastwood. They are:

#17: Monkeys and Apes

The vast majority of Transformers have humanoid robot modes (or whatever the hell certain Bayformers are supposed to be). What's better than humanoid? Only one thing: monkeyoid. Strong bodies, big arms, mad climbing skillz. Let's establish one thing: today, monkey business is serious business.


"I'm late for my nine o'clock. Does anyone have a small blonde and a tall tower?"

I already discussed the Horrorcons back in the entry on Dragons, so I'll sum up quickly here: Triple-changer-Headmaster-awesome-genius.

Apeface is a slobby saboteur with a fearsome-looking gorilla form, a sleek jet mode and a reasonable beast mode. He's not as good as Snapdragon, but then, who is? In the cartoon, Apeface was a serious tough guy who enjoyed beating up Kup, back-talking to Cyclonus, and puking at the nobility of Autobots.

It's time to make my final comment on the Terrorcons. These guys were abstract monsters but one, Blot, is the most mysterious. He has an apelike frame but a faintly aquiline face. But to me he'll always be a monkey. He's got a powerful back-mounted cannon and is a very appealing purple. He could be a Shattered Glass Optimus Primal.


Funky Kong

Beastbox has a great name. Soundwave had a full-on menagerie in his chest and this guy was obviously one of the most dangerous and feral. Here's hoping for another Encore Cassette set.

All these apes are bad guys. Those damn dirty apes! But then Beast Wars came and monkey magic was irreversibly linked to one big bot.


"Don't wanna be your monkeywre-e-ench!"

His gorilla mode looks a little unusual, and for a figure this size his transformation is very simple. That's the downside. The upside is that he's got tons of playability. He has two spring-loaded shoulder cannons, with missiles stowed behind his head. He has two swords mounted to his back, a mace stored in one arm, a flip-out cannon in the other arm, and a chest-beating/punching action. This figure is fantastic. Go ape!


"It's brass monkeys out there!"

His hover-boarding, mace-wielding upgrade wasn't so great as far as I'm concerned, but he's still a great ape. Thankfully, the next step is:


"Yep, I'll always be able to trust this body. Yessirree."

Optimal Optimus is the supreme form of Primal, after he temporarily merged his spark with that of G1 Prime. He got Primal's monkey mode, Prime's roadworthy mode, and a jet mode from...the moon, or something. This figure was as cool as it was massive, and it was pretty damn big. This guy is truly the king of the swingers.


"Sure glad we returned to Cybertron. Yessirree."

Unfortunately for Primal, Beast Machines happened. He lost his Optimal body and became a base monkey again. This figure had a modestly-complex transformation for its size with lots of limb swapping, and he had a cool energy shuriken. Bit of a downgrade though.


"Now is not the time to whinge about Beast Machines. Wait for it, wait for it, wai...okay, now is the time to bitch about Beast Machines."

This is a bit more like it. This figure is nice enough, despite the simple transformation. Sadly, he was ludicrously oversized compared to his fellows.


"Is that it? Am I done?"

I'll give you a spoiler now: Velociraptors are not going to be on this list. That means that I'm not going to be able to give my mocking but respectful commentary on Code Of Hero, which may be the finest 22 minutes of video ever produced by the Transformers franchise. On the other hand, I think that if you watched Beast Wars and then skipped straight to the final episode of Beast Machines, you'd be a little confused but you might really feel the sentiment that flows as Primal struggles singlehandedly against an overpowered Megatron who's taken the Optimal body and turned it against him. Despite the incredible odds, Primal triumphs even through sacrificing his life. This was a fine send off for a character who started lowly but worked hard to become one of the most beloved characters in the franchise.

...

Beast Wars also had another monkey, who for some reason had the name Optimus Minor. Is he Optimus' nephew? Who knows?

And that's the end of it. The various Primal figures, plus the Robot Masters version were all each repainted about a billion times, often as characters who only appeared in comics. Maybe Primal's giant monkey slippers are impossible to fill. But Hasbro and the fans, never forget. Never forget that Beast Wars had to fill G1's shoes, and that Primal had to fill Prime's, and it was a brave experiment. The movie, the Masterpieces, Universe...none of it would have happened if Transformers had died in the early nineties.

Whew! Look at me getting all serious. Okay, poop! Crap! Arsebiscuits! Obscure reference! Quote from an eighties comedy movie! Okay, I'm back on form now.

The next entry is going to be number one! Not literally, but you know, number one. Number ooooooone. That's a hint for the next entry. Enjoy.

Optimus Primal... one of the best, IMHO. Version one, that is. Transmetal... meh. Not my favorite.

This list is really fantasticly done. I hope that when it gets down to the final entry, Diem just starts it all over again.

Only one line about RID Optimus Primal?? Man, I think he's probably got the most badass alt mode ever! He's my favorite TF that I've bought, by far.

No honorable mention of the Playskool Transformer/GoBot Gorillabot??? Come on, his head came out his butt, that's noteworthy.

I don't own or have any hands-on experience of the last Optimus Primal toy so I didn't feel I could really comment much on him. But I should have included the Go-bots guy!

No-one's trying to guess what the next entry will be any more...

#14: Formula One & Race Cars

To make that a little clearer, I refer to open-cockpit, front-and-rear-winged racing cars. If it makes a "BNNNNNEEEEEEEAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW" sound like a TIE Fighter when it goes past, it may well belong on this list. Either that, or someone's throwing cats out of the windows of cars.


"I like my women like I like my cars. I like them to have sexy bodies. I like them to be fast movers. And I like them to...burn...rubber..."

The original group of Autobots contained a Porsche, some Lambourghinis, a chibi-Ferrari and a Camaro amongst others, but there was one car that managed to make even those bad bodies look chubby and sluggish. Yep, Mirage was a sleek and sexy F1 racer (who, er, only had a speed stat of 7). His bio played him up as a malcontent soldier of fortune with more desire to be a playboy than to be a loyal soldier. The comic maintained this persona by showing Mirage's wavering loyalty through dialogue, the cartoon showed it by giving him the voice of Dean Martin.


"I'm tying my dog to the railroad track, uh-huh, choo-choo train's gonna break his back. I used to call him Spot, but now he's called Splat."

Mirage was both upper-class and something of a conscientious objector, so it's no real surprise he made an enemy of mini-redneck Cliffjumper. Mirage's cool attitude led to plenty of tears before bedtime at Autobase.


"Welcome to Real Roots Racing."

Although Mirage's mold was destroyed by, I assume, Raksha he's gained a few new bodies over the years. I won't be covering his non-F1 Alternator form, but let's look at some of the others. First up is his Robot Masters body, itself a more accurate repaint of his Machine Wars mold. His vehicle mode is fine though his robot mode has the face of the Riddler from Batman: The Animated Series, and the articulation of a weeble. This guy got repainted more than a few times.


"I have the waistline of a Waspinator"

Mirage was one of the earliest Autobots to get a new body as part of the much-awaited Classics line, and while his vehicle mode wasn't too far off, his robot mode had undergone the most drastic change out of all the Classics. The fandom being what it is, there were a lot of complaints about it. Then people started to get their hands on it and fell in love. The figure was immensely posable, and the sleek body really suited his image as a high-class spy and an espionage expert.

This mold has to be one of the most repainted molds of all time. Like all the original mold Classics characters, it was re-released with an extensive, more screen-accurate repaint in Japan as part of the Henkei line. He was also released all in transparent blue as an exclusive, and in clear plastic, smoky black and chrome as a Japanese Gentai exclusive (both these figures are pure sex, and will only cost you about as much as DeBeers recommends you spend on an engagement ring). The figure was also repainted as Fracture, who was supposed to be the Go-Bots character Crasher (Really Hasbro? The one good name in Go-Bots and you couldn't keep it? Not even Crashor, or Krasher, or Crusher, or Tremor or something? Fracture sounds like a nasty break!) and as Drag Strip. Speaking of whom:


"See, Motormaster is a master of motors. Breakdown can cause machines to break down, and is on the verge of a breakdown himself. Wildrider, he's pretty wild, and he likes to ride. Dead End, well, it's "dead" and "end" because he's a fatalist and always thinks of death. And me? Drag? Strip? Play your cards right and you might find out, big boy."

Drag Strip is one of the Stunticons, an elite group of dissident slackers that all turn into motor vehicles. The story there is that Megatron got tired of the Autobots having road supremacy so he got Rumble to steal a bunch of cars, rebuild them into Transformers, and give them awesome stunt skills, like the ability to drive up sheer cliffs. I'm pretty sure that if you can change a regular car into a gravity-defying car then it's probably easier to build one from scratch than go steal one, but where would Megatron be without his retardedly petty crimes? After constructing them he took them to Vector Sigma on Cybertron, and told the computer to give them life and make them loyal only to him. Maybe it's impossible, maybe Vector Sigma's an arsehole, but the Stunticons have got to be the least loyal Decepticons around.

Anyway, Drag Strip. His profile states that he's such a massive douche that Megatron outright hates him. You've got to be a real bastard if even the king of bastards can't stand you. He's impossible to like, an arrogant prick, and everyone wants to punch him in the face.


On an unrelated note, here's a picture of Russell Brand.

Anyway, Drag Strip, the toy, is pretty interesting, with his six-wheeled racer mode, his flip up engine and his hoodie hood. He's a combination of yellow and purple, a colour clash that you normally don't see outside of Hell or Ibiza nightclubs, but somehow it works on him.

The next F1-er to appear was Slapdash, an Autobot Powermaster. Or is he Road King, a Cybertron Godmaster. If he's one, then he's a scatterbrained but likable loser with a sily name and a habit of talking like a valley girl. If he's Road King then he's an arrogant but heroic race driver who merges with his car to become an force for BURNING JUSTICE! Whichever he is, he's not in the gallery, but he's a charming blue and yellow race car with decent (for the time) arm articulation and the novelty of having a "normal" engine that can be switched with his Power/Godmaster partner.


"Mindwipe told me that in the year 2007 "Barricade will be one of the most popular Decepticons"! I can't wait!"

Barricade was a Micromaster and you could transform him by flipping his back-end 180 degrees to become his legs, flipping his front-end onto his robot back and then tilting his sides to form his arms. Just like all the other car Micromasters! Truth be told, if you transformed too many Micromasters at one time, you'd end up sleep-transforming them, and you'd do it right every time.

Barricade may also be the only figure on this list who both isn't a repaint and never got repainted.

Anyway, this guy is cyan and flourescent pink. Is it a law that race car Transformers must have clashing colours?

Speedstream, an F1 car from the end of G1 had slightly saner colours, namely white and dark blue, though as an Aquaspeeder his front-end would change to purple when exposed to hot water (the Aquaspeeders and their rivals the Stormtroopers had water-squirting guns; now you're thinking with water). Sadly this figure's transformation literally hinged on a very fragile plastic clip on a metal rod, so good luck finding this figure complete now. He got repainted, renamed, and re-turned-into-a-bad-guy for American markets.

G2 had a Formula-1 Spychanger mold that, like all the Spychangers, got repainted a million times (including as Mirage). If you own any Spychangers you know what to expect here. And if you don't own any Spychangers, how? How did you manage that?

I'm going to skip Beast Machines Mirage since A) he's not even an Earth vehicle B) I don't know if he counts as having an open cockpit since there's a cannon in it, and C) he's not in the galleries and my photobucket is cluttered enough as it is.


"Starmadascream is just my accessory. It's like they saw how awesome I was and said "hey, let's give him a jet to fly him around.""

I'll admit, when Armada was first revealed I had mixed feelings. Beast Wars had spoiled us with its deluge of ball-joints, and RiD had given us complex combiners and the likes of Prowl and Megatron. Armada figures looked unwieldy and clunky in comparison, but nostalgically and reassuringly so (it seemed an apt metaphor for America vs. Japan generally, I remember thinking). If there was one figure I was determined to get though, it was Starscream. An unusual choice, I know, but this was a time when both Starscreams (and seekers generally) and figures with Decepticon logos had been thin on the ground (if you can imagine that) and I thought Starmadascream looked pretty damn cool. His jet mode looked, dare I say it, like a vast predatory bird, and his robot mode looked like G1 Starscream on steroids and with more black. Even better, the little figure he came with was a little F1 car called Swindle! Fantastic.

tl;dr, there was an F1 Minicon in Armada. Also, he got repainted a lot.

Oddly enough, Cybertron, which had a massive story arc about racing didn't have any F1 cars except for repaints of the afore-mentioned Minicon.

Before I finish, I know someone'll bash me if I don't mention Circuit from Sixturbo so: Circuit from Sixturbo is a Formula One car! Okay, I have to go now. My planet needs me.

Note: Diem died on the way back to his home planet

...

Next time, we'll be looking at an Alt Mode that's been part of Transformers since the beginning and was recently used for what I think is one of the best Transformers ever.

What, no Energon love?

Energon Prowl or Red Alert (if you prefer Superlink) happens to be a Blue and White F1 type race car like Mirage...


O.k so the cockpit is not exactly opened.

Not sure Cyb Megs/Galvy can be considered an F1 type car. But he is a ... uhm ... race car of some kind.

It's officially the halfway mark on this list as of the end of this post and I think it might be best if I have a short hiatus to prevent burn-out. The Formula-1 post was, to my mind, more bitter than funny or interesting (it would have been even bitter-er but I deleted a rant about Seekers partway through). So there's gonna be a brief break, though I do have something planned to keep this thread alive and fill the time. In the meantime, here's the next entry:

#14: Nissans.

They're not the fastest, the greatest or the most well known cars in the world. Outside of the wacky world of motorsports few people even know that Nissan makes performance cars. They're not the most glamourous or exceptional of cars. My mum drives a Sunny. But that said, Nissan has been a part of Transformers since even before there was a "Transformers". And there are two very good reasons why these cars are as high as they are on the list.


Cop, Tactician, Grimlock Wrangler.

Prowl was one of the very first Autobots, and he clearly thought the Autobots were so good that he bought the company, then made his face the badge. He's Prime's second-in-command in several continuities, but ends up playing second fiddle to Grimlock whenever Simon Furman's involved. He's a pretty cool figure, with his shoulder missiles, and his bonnet-boobs. And who doesn't love a man in uniform?


Stole 2007 Bumblebee's voice and won't give it back.

Bluestreak was the same mold as Prowl, minus the lights. In the storyline he's a haunted 'bot who constantly talks to keep his mind off his tortured past and his destroyed hometown. C'mon kids, buy your favourite heroes, with real post-traumatic stress!

It's a personal thing, but I find his original silver looks a little tacky and shows off the transformation lines too much. His re-release looks a little better.


"He's a liar, he's a trier, he's a tricker and a nicker and he knows what's going on."

Smokescreen, heroic gambler and professional liar is a 1985 re-use of the Prowl mold, this time in awesome stock-car type colours. His bio is that he's a sneak who plays Secret Police on Optimus' behalf to find out what the Autobots really think.

These three, together with Jazz provide the indelible mental sillouette of early Autobots as guys with chunky legs, door wings and big bonnet chests. When someone mentions modern Transformers as having a G1 Autobot look, this is the kind of thing they're talking about.


"Twenty years with no articulation will give you such a crick in the knees!"

As part of the Universe 2.0 line, a mold based on the Nissan 350Z was produced that was used to produce the three characters above but with vastly improved articulation and with the guns and shoulder missiles now incorporated into the car mode. And there was modest rejoicing. Unfortunately Prowl had a sticky paint job, Smokescreen looked a little dodgy, and Bluestreak was Bluestreak (can't be helped.) The Japanese versions fixed most of the problems.


"Every tahme I look in a monitor, mah circuits sizzle. Ahnd mah lubricahnts leak. Ah should get checked up."

I wasn't going to include Ahrnhaide in this list, but it turns out that he's a Nissan too. Who knew? Anyway, infamously his boxvan mode transforms simultaneously into a combat sled thing and what could be generously called a robot. I always quite liked his odd-looking robot mode, and thought it was a shame that he started toy-accurate in the comics but then changed to his cartoon-model. Anyway, Aaaaaahrrrnhaaaide transformed from grumpy ol' bot to unimpressive van and back again. Then he got killed off in the movie to make way for Kup who had the exact same schtick but was a newer figure.


Even in 1984 we were buying the same figure twice.

Ratchet's basically the same as Ironhide, but with sirens. In the cartoons he was a grumpy bugger too, though he came off better in the comics where he was the only 1984 Autobot to survive Shockwave's ambush of the Ark. With the help of the Dinobots he managed to rescue all the other 'bots. After that he got kidnapped, tricked into fixing Starscream, blown up, fused with Megatron and then blown up again. Sucks to be him, really.

Both these guys were re-made as repaints of Tow-Line for convention exclusives and then again in Universe 2.0:


"Only 100 miles on the clock, used by an old lady to drive to church."

This mold had an intricate transformation and was interesting, but sadly had a lot of issues with head-looky-downiness and transformation lines in vehicle mode.


"I, Streetwise, was only three steps away from being re-released in Generation 2 in fairly sober colours. I, Streetwise, will regret this."

Streetwise, of the Protectobots is a private dick who's a sex machine to all the fembots. He's interesting, being one of the only Scramble City limbs to not have a squarehead. He just loves pursuing perps for hours on end.


"Yes yes, woo woo woo woo. Are you happy now?"

It's only when you type "Nissan" into the search engine on the Transformers Wiki (thanks, Walky) that you realise how many Nissans there were in the line. It turns out that Armada Red Alert is among their number. I was pretty neutral towards this figure at first, despite his many play features (I de-batteried him before he could start woo-woo-woo-ing at me) such as his disc-launching chest, his shoulder cannon that doubles as a shotgun and his leg-bays. Maybe it was his slightly aimless-homagery (Ratchet's colours, Red-Alert's name, Hoist's arm) or his chunkiness. Then I played the PS2 Armada game and suddenly I appreciated him. His SUV mode seemed perfect for rough-and-tumble off-road driving and his Cody-esque compromise between Hot Shot's speed and Optimus' power made him a valuable character.

I prefer his Powerlinx repaint though. Orange Alert!

Now, there is a reason why this entry is about Nissans, and not just the Fairlady. If it had just been the Fairlady I could've both saved myself some work, and used a whole ton of London Bridge and Rex Hamilton jokes that I've been dying to use. But if there's one Transformer that didn't appear on Blurrz' list but in my opinion can't be ignored in a best figures list, here it is:



Pffft. No.



Hells yeah.


Sometimes when no-one's around, Prime likes to dress up as Bluestreak.

HELLS YEAH.

It's possible you read my review of Alternity Convoy here on Seibertron, but if you didn't, or if you did and can't remember, here's the tl;dr version: I want to have Alternity Convoy's babies. I want to marry this figure and keep it in the manner to which it is accustomed. When I die, if plans A and B fall through (respectively to donate my body to science fiction or to be pickled and used as a conversation piece) then plan C will involve being buried with this figure (My gravestone will have, in really tiny writing: "If you can read this, you're standing on me.")

I know people complained about this guy being too expensive, he should fit in with Binaltech, he shouldn't be a car etc., to which I reply: Yes, he is too expensive. Other than that, I feel this figure should be appreciated for what it is rather than what it isn't. Alternity Convoy is a masterpiece of a figure that transforms from a smooth uncompromised car mode into a powerful and dynamic robot. G1 Prime always looked best standing still; statuesque and dignified. But Alternity Convoy, even when standing still looks like he's moving. His swung-back wings, jutting chest and massive boots lead into a well-defined and well articulated robot. He eschews the admittedly-charming blockiness of eighties design and shows what can be done if you combine the spirit of G1, the detailing of the movie-verse and the artistry of modern Japanese mech-design. In short, I have a major robo-chubby for this guy.

In the storyline, a version of G1 Prime (not the comics one or the cartoon one or the Binaltech one) is recruited by a time traveller into the Alternity, an all-powerful future evolution of the modern Transformer. In this future, various alternate-universe versions of characters merge into a transcendant singularity while maintaining their individuality. With a combination of allied troops and bodies that they "download" into, the Alternity maintains peace throughout the timelines. The upshot of this is that every Alternity Transformer is a god walking around in a super-advanced, super-powerful time-travelling body. These guys can play soccer with Unicron as the ball. And it's all canon! Brilliant.


"London Bridge is falling down! I've grown acustomed to her face. Why can't a woman be more like a man?"

Alternity Megatron is, as ever, the megalomaniacal spanner in Convoy's works. This figure is almost as incredible as Alternity Convoy. What it lacks in smooth mech styling, it makes up for in samurai style plating and a wicked pair of swords. His angled shoulder plates, his determined look: this is a sexy sexy figure.

In the storyline, Megatron got jealous of Convoy's new chums and toys and took control of the Beast Of Time (the Alternity's nemesis) in order to gain similar powers and settle his hash. This battle continues even now, though the intervention of Alternity Cliff may have changed matters.

This seems like a good place to end, for now. It's good to know that whatever happens, whatever Michael Bay or IDW try to pull off next then somewhere in the future, G1 Prime is rocking a powerful new body and ready to put things right like a mechanical Sam Beckett, and that even in the far flung future at the pinnacle of evolution, Megatron will still be scheming to defeat him.

The battle is over, but the galaxy spanning adventures of the
Transformers will continue, and the greatest Autobot of them all, Diem,
will return.

I'm not really a fan of the Nissan entry. I'm hoping to see an entry for Firetrucks, Spaceships, insects, and Cybertronian vehicles, though.

WolfDawg wrote:I'm not really a fan of the Nissan entry. I'm hoping to see an entry for Firetrucks, Spaceships, insects, and Cybertronian vehicles, though.

You're going to be three-quarters satisfied with the rest of this list then...

Nice work Diem... I'm enjoying the laughs, the insight and the Armada respect

Blurrz wrote:Nice work Diem... I'm enjoying the laughs, the insight and the Armada respect

Thank you. Now that the furore about Toyfair is dying down a little I'll probably start posting again soon.

It‘s time to begin the second half.　I intend to continue as I started; controversially. Also, drunk.

＃13: Humans.

Wait, what? Since when is “human” an Alt Mode? Let’s take a look.

Caviar! For the purpose of this entry, holomatter avatars, inflatables and the Moustache Man do not count as Alt Modes! Caviar!

The Minibots were, to put it gently, big giant studs of mech meat. Bumblebee had Carly drooling all over him before she decided she’d rather cradle-snatch Spike instead, and Powerglide had a fling with a wealthy heiress named after a hotel chain. Soon afterwards, the videos were available everywhere.

…

I am of course talking about videos of the episode “The Girl Who Loved Powerglide”. What did you think I was talking about?

Anyway, Seaspray (AKA The Love Boat) was the star of the episode Sea Change. The Autobots traveled to a distant oceanic planet taking the lonely-hearted hovercraft with them. While liberating the suspiciously humanlike inhabitants, Seaspray discovered a spring that could change the shape of living things. Although the highlight of the episode is definitely Runzy (or is it Fremble) inadvertently becoming a tree, the crowning moment of heartwarming is when Seaspray briefly becomes a humanoid (and his humanoid girlfriend briefly becomes a fembot). Admittedly his human form may have looked like Prince Adam’s less heterosexual brother and had metal toes, but let’s not hold that against him.


Conan the Aquarian.

Although The Little Hovercraft Who Could returned home with his comrades, I’m sure he took shore leave whenever possible.


I keep this picture in my wallet, just in case someone says a later show is “not as good as G1”.

By season 3, Transformers had already covered most of the Saturday morning cartoon clichés, including the shrinking episode, the time-travel episode, the someone-good-is-mistaken-for-a-traitor episode and so on. One of the few they hadn’t done so much is “fish out of water” which was dealt with in Only Human.

The plot is that an arms dealer (IIRC) decided that the Autobots were in his way. After successfully capturing Rodimus, Ultra Magnus, Arcee and Springer he decides to destroy them all by…transferring their minds into synthetic human bodies, throwing the bodies in the garbage and melting down the robots. A plan worthy of Sludge himself. Thankfully a million fanboys’ prayers were answered as Cobra Commander made a cameo appearance as “Old Snake” and Arcee appeared as a blonde.


“Snake! SNNNNNAAAAAAKKKKE! Dum-dum-dada-dum, DABBA DUM DUM DUM!”

In less interesting news, Rodimus became a hunky guy who totally scored with some chick, Ultra Magnus became an older gentleman with salt-n-pepa hair, and Springer was still a wanker but now he could punch Hare Krishnas on equal terms (GOURANGA!) This episode could have been an interesting examination of how it felt for nigh-immortal, nigh-invulnerable giant powerful robots to be stuck in frail sickly human bodies but instead there was something about blowing up Metroplex.

Enough of this cartoon crap! Let’s talk toys!


“Wait a minute! I’m white! Someone tell 2007 me!”

After Hasbro had stopped “borrowing” molds from other Japanese toylines and calling them Transformers, it was time to knock out some molds of their own. One of their habits in these days was to keep throwing gimmicks at the line and see what stuck. One such gimmick was much maligned. These Transformers were the Pretenders.

The idea was that the figures, in addition to transforming, had an outer shell in the form of another being. It’s a nice idea but unfortunately the execution lacked. The inner figures of the early entries into these line were very posable and lanky, and would usually transform by bending their legs over their heads like some kind of yoga pose or anti-nausea technique. As such, their Alt Modes often looked like robots with their legs bent over their heads.

Sadly for the Pretenders they came too late to be part of the cartoon. They did appear in the comic though. The Decepticon Pretenders all had hideous monster shells (fair enough, psychological warfare and all that) but the Autobots all looked more-or-less human. Unfortunately, the severely over-worked Bob Budiansky seemingly forgot about the whole mass-changing thing that Transformers had been doing since day one and made the Autobot Pretenders...giant humans. Scorponok, who must have been wearing the wrong head that day, was confused enough by this to be beaten by the Autobots. Later, two of the Autobot Pretenders went off to a planet full of giant Amazonian women and oh-my-god-it's-too-terrible. I may say less than nice stuff about Furman but he did a saint's work taking over from the beleagured Bob. In Simon's hands, the Pretender shells were repurposed not into a disguise but into an extra layer of protection.


"Hello Optimus, this is Autobot R&D!"
"I thought I cut your grant."
"We've got a fabulous new idea: Robots in disguise in disguise."
"...You're fired."

Hasbro continued to slap gimmick onto gimmick, and the next wave of Pretenders were the Classic Pretenders: Bumblebee, Jazz, Grimlock and Starscream. This was back in the days when characters would be released five years apart, not five times a year, so it was quite a novelty to see these old-school characters again. Also, the inner robots had become small and blocky rather than big and lanky which worked tonnes better. After the Classic Pretenders came the Mega Pretenders (a transforming robot inside a transforming shell) and the Ultra Pretenders (a transforming robot inside a transforming shell inside a vehicular outer-shell inside a wooden Russian doll thing inside a chocolate egg). All of the Autobots were mostly human and all of the Decepticons were diabolic, monsterous and bestial with only two exceptions:


Although that moustache is diabolic, monsterous and bestial enough to make up for it.

Stranglehold of the Decepticons, currently of the Mayhem Attack Squad, formerly of the Miss Cybertron entry group, was a mean-spirited, cheating wrestler-bot with a Rhino Alt Mode and a human outer shell. He looks a little out of place amongst skeletal samurai and cthonic horrors, so I suspect he may actually have, at some point in development, been swapped with the Autobot Longtooth who is a monster Walrus (coocoocachoo.)

Anyway, let's visit a bizarre parallel universe (Japan) where Pretenders were handled well:


"Comes with: Pretender(tm) shell, power sword and ridiculously sharp suit."

Masterforce was easily the most unique and dividing part of the Transformers-verse until Beast Machines came along. Set after the Transformers left Earth for space at the end of Headmasters, the show more-or-less shunted Transformers aside to allow humans to protect their own planet (with the aid of powerful robot bodies). Before the torch was handed over to the humans, the Autobots consisted of Metalhawk, AKA Mister Hawk, the fellow in the fetching suit seen above,


"I'm the best at what I do...transforming into a lanky, awkward jet."

Phoenix, a German airfield owner,


"BIO BOOSTER ARMOUR DIVER"

Diver, a marine biologist and


" I was planning to wine you, dine you and sixty-ni...actually, I don't even know if that's physically possible."

Lander, a wine-loving playboy. The four of them had been on Earth since the stone age, and after beating their Decepticon counterparts stayed on Earth for millenia disguised as humans (they spent the whole of 1984-2011 with their fingers in their ears going "LALALA I CAN'T HEAR AN INTERPLANETARY WAR BETWEEN MY COMRADES AND MY ENEMIES.").

The next big moment in human-cyborg relations came in Transformers Animated. The show had already done the prerequisite repeat of 1984 (Optimus, Bumblebee, Prime and Megatron arrive on Earth with their pals, Starscream backstabs Megatron while the 'Bots befriend the locals) but this time the human sidekick, Sari Sumdac wasn't so annoying. Maybe it was because she was well written, maybe because she was voiced by the lovely Tara Strong. Or maybe it was because it was becoming increasingly clear that she was actually a robot. The third season confirmed that Sari was a protoform direct from Cybertron which had merged with human DNA to become the first straight-up Humanformer.


Before

After

She took on full on tranforming after that and was able to fly, shoot energy bolts and produce a giant hammer from nowhere (a standard skill for anime girls.) Believe it or not, the human sidekick was actually helpful without the writers having to handicap the Transformers themselves. Sadly, no official Sari figure has been produced. By the way, if you want to kitbash a fantastic Sari figure, a good base would be the Figma Drossel from Disney's Fireball. Buy two though, one to keep as Drossel 'cos she's awesome.


"Hey, Ratorta! Ratorta, where are you?"
"Right here, my lady."
"Don't interrupt me while I'm speaking, Rattrap."

Like so:


Time to wrap this off with the last entry;


"(yawn) Wouldn't mind going down her rabbit hole, etc. etc."

"Alice" in ROTF is a robot in human form. It's unclear whether the human bits are some kind of artificial skin or a proper Alt Mode but hey, she provides eye candy in a film that was totally lacking it before. Except for all the hotness featured earlier in the movie (Sam's mom.) Her role in the movie is to try to retrieve Sam's brain and she prefers to do it via his tonsils. There are worse ways to go, I'm sure.

Anyway, that's it for this truly unique Alt Mode. Just remember that despite this Entry none of the people around you are Transformers. They're just regular aliens.

Join me next time when we'll be exploring Yuki Oshima's deepest fantasies. Enjoy.

Bravo, Bravo Mr. Diem. This newest entry has been my favorite and the most haphazard, offkey, and unexpected(albeit brilliant) entry yet or possibly EVER put forth. Since humans made it into the list as fantastical alt modes, perphaps the REAL alt mode for TFCC Nexus Maximus will appear as well(that joke will never, ever get old to me.) Keep up the brilliant work mein freund.
PS. Masterforce was the bomb! PRETENDDDEEERRR!!

Oh, and one more thing, I see in your sig you need a sword for Vector Prime, I have a Cybertron Vector Prime(white with blue sword) that i'm not really a big fan of, if you want it(the whole thing, Safeguard included) let me know and we'll see what shipping is, you pay that and it's yours.

Forgotten wrote::APPLAUSE: Bravo, Bravo Mr. Diem. This newest entry has been my favorite and the most haphazard, offkey, and unexpected(albeit brilliant) entry yet or possibly EVER put forth.

Thank you, thank you! Hopefully you'l enjoy the next entry which is so far out of left-field it's back into right-field (I learned my geography from computer games, can you tell?)

I don't know....the monkeys being better than the past awesome modes was pushing it but COME ON!
HUMANS? While I admit it is a very creative choice, how is it a better alt mode than T-Rex or trains or the StingRay? And here's Kremzeek, because he is the greatest emote ever

EDIT:Please tell me that last sentence was a lie....

Any reason Headmasters and Powermasters where not included? They where basically humanoid. Nebulans to be exact.

Japan actually made their Powermasters actual Human beings.

Anyway, keep up the funny stuff. Its really a riot reading these.

Great work Diem.

Oh yeah, I want to go into that rabbit hole.

lol, interesting. We need a Sari figure for Generations, darn it.

RK_Striker_JK_5 wrote:lol, interesting. We need a Sari figure for Generations, darn it.

Nope, but if Figma does a proper Sari, they will sell like hotcakes

Overcracker wrote:Any reason Headmasters and Powermasters where not included? They where basically humanoid. Nebulans to be exact.

Japan actually made their Powermasters actual Human beings.

That's exactly the point. Believe me I love the various 'Masters (and we'll be seeing more of them further on in the list) but they are humans and humanoids that transform, not Transformers that transform into humans.

I know that's a pedantic reason but there has to be a line somewhere.

@zenosaurus_x: Humans are great! Don't be so hard on yourself! It's no coincidence that we outsmarted, outbred and outpolluted all the other creatures. And in terms of effective disguises, being able to become a human while battling on Earth would have great potential.

As you noticed, this list is more about interesting, quintessinal and well-executed Alt Modes than the fastest, strongest or most powerful. If it were only about the strongest then the list would be a foregone conclusion: 1. Planet, 2. Fortress, 3. Chuck Norris and so on.

Diem wrote:

Overcracker wrote:Any reason Headmasters and Powermasters where not included? They where basically humanoid. Nebulans to be exact.

Japan actually made their Powermasters actual Human beings.

That's exactly the point. Believe me I love the various 'Masters (and we'll be seeing more of them further on in the list) but they are humans and humanoids that transform, not Transformers that transform into humans.

I know that's a pedantic reason but there has to be a line somewhere.

Not pedantic at all. It makes Perfect sense.

Diem wrote:
@zenosaurus_x: Humans are great! Don't be so hard on yourself! It's no coincidence that we outsmarted, outbred and outpolluted all the other creatures. And in terms of effective disguises, being able to become a human while battling on Earth would have great potential.

Heh thanks, I was having a pretty lame day but reading this cheered me up, you sire, deserve kudos...so uh KUDOS!