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The Hidden: Chapter 1- The Incident

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The Hidden: Chapter 1- The Incident

Postby Jetfire Prime » Sat Oct 10, 2009 5:20 am

Motto: ""I COMMAND THESE DOORS TO OPEN! I SAID OPEN!"
"ITS OCCUPIED!!!!""
Weapon: Twin Sonic Cannons
Welcome to the first chapter of my new series! I posted a preview of it awhile ago... but it got few readers. Please comment and tell me what you think! By the way, this takes place after Revenge of the Fallen.


It is May 17, 2011. Bumblebee and Smokescreen were on their way to the N.E.S.T military operations base after two hours of driving around the city. Every moring and night, Bumblebee and Smokescreen were ordered to patrolthe city for any Decepticon activity. But there has not been any in over two months. Smokescreen thought that it was useless and a waste of time. As an Autobot fresh out of training, he desperatly wanted to put his newly learned abilities to the test.

As the two turned onto the overpass, Evac and Whirl, the twins who were part of the Autobot Intelligence Team,were sending a very faint transmission to Bumblebee.

"Bumblebee, this is Intel. You need to to the Power Plant! We have a reported sighting from Arcee of an Unknown Decepticon over there. Arcee isn't holding very well, and you two are the nearest Autobots.Go!"

"We are on our way. Smokescreen, we need to get top the Power Plant. There is a Decepticon tearing things up!"

"A Decepticon? I doubt it, we defeated all of the known Decepticons on Earth."

"Look Smokescreen," Bumblebee said as they drove into a forest and transformed, "Why do you think Optimus makes us patrol the city if there were no Decepticons left?"

"Im just saying, I think it is a false alarm."

When they arrived at the Power Plant, all was quiet. But Bumblebee was picking up an unknown signal on his sensors. Smokescreen took a few steps forward. Suddenly, a building collapsed and was headed straight for him. Smokescreen leaped out of the way just in time, and Arcee emerged from the shadows. Even in the blackness of night, Smokescreen could tell she was badly damaged. Bumblebee was focusing on the two, who were scanning for any other lifeforms. But then, out of the shadows, a giant arm with many terrible claws emerged and swept Arcee into the black shadows...

The only sound that could be heard was the sound of banging metal. Bumblebee's systems froze as Arcee's energy signature faded away. Smokescreen, however, immediately sprang into action! He flipped out his sword and lept into the dark shadows. As Bumblebee regained control of his body, he saw Smokescreen making his way up a building using his sword as a grappling hook. Bumblebee had fully recovered... but he caught something emerging out of the shadows.

The giant robot had a long arm on his back... ending with a terrifying hand with 8 grueling claws. He had a menacing face and his body resembled a skeleton. The creature emerged from the shadows; the oversized hand grabbed the building that Smokescreen was climbing.

That is when Bumblebee realized.... Arcee's energy signature began to reappear! Bumblebee knew he had to keep Arcee alive. The creature had to be stopped.

Smokescreen leaped from the top of the building and onto his opponent's shoulders. The creature immediately swatted him off with the giant arm. But Smokescreen kept on fighting. Bumblebee knew Smokescreen was trying to distract the creature, so he charged up his cannon and took aim... waiting for the right moment to strike. Through the sight on his cannon, he spotted a Decepticon symbol right below his blood-red eye. The creature's head moved into his shot and...............

"He is going to be fine Rodimus. We checked his systems and they were not damaged during the explosion. It's the same case with Smokescreen," Ratchet informed Rodimus Prime, one of the Autobot Earth Commanders.

"How is Arcee?" Rodimus asked with hesitation.

"I am sorry... but we launched a Recovery team this morning. It was Red Alert's team... They found Arcee, but she is damaged beyond repair." Ratchet said.

Bumblebee was trying to recall every memory he had of the night before. They only thing he could recall was him and Smokescreen turning on the overpass.

"What caused this death?" Rodimus asked.

"Red Alert found a hole in a large gas tank. We think that one of these two fired at the gas tank... which caused the explosion. But no evidence has been found that there was actually a Decepticon there."

That's it! We were at the Power Plant fighting a massive Decepticon! Bumblebee had a brief recollection of the creature's head; the crimson eyes with the Decepticon symbol below.

Ratchet and Rodimus stared at Bumblebee as he tried to make his way off the examining table.

"Bumblebee, you need to stay there. You're legs are....."

Bumblebee looked down. His left leg looked fine, but his right leg was in an iron shell.

"I am almost finished repairing your leg. But you need to stay there for the next few hours so it can fully heal." Ratchet said with a strict tone.

Rodimus nodded and said, "Ratchet we need to check on Smokescreen." The two proceeded out of the small room.

************************************************************************************************************************
Last edited by Jetfire Prime on Sat Oct 10, 2009 8:00 am, edited 1 time in total.
Behold, the eternal glory of... JETFIRE!

Click the link and scroll down to read my reviews!
http://www.seibertron.com/energonpub/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=39496&p=980230#p980230
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Jetfire Prime
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Re: The Hidden: Chapter 1- The Incident

Postby cybercat » Sat Oct 10, 2009 7:53 am

Nice start! I'm not sure where this is going yet...maybe I should? It depends on the ultimate length.

One thing I would like to suggest is that you work on paragraphing. EVERY time speaker changes, it's a new paragraph. Every time you shift action, it's a new paragraph. That's how it's supposed to be. Yes, you will have many shorter paragraphs, but this isn't an English class theme--no one cares about the heft of your paragraph. But, just like in English class: new idea, new paragraph.

(Also, stop overusing exclamation points. *Especially* in your exposition. Unless your story is being narrated by a hyperactive character, exposition should never have exclamations. Oh, and a spellchecker would be nice.)

Have you considered using a Beta reader?

HK, yes, I teach English. That's the explanation.
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Re: The Hidden: Chapter 1- The Incident

Postby Jetfire Prime » Sat Oct 10, 2009 8:02 am

Motto: ""I COMMAND THESE DOORS TO OPEN! I SAID OPEN!"
"ITS OCCUPIED!!!!""
Weapon: Twin Sonic Cannons
hellkitty wrote:Nice start! I'm not sure where this is going yet...maybe I should? It depends on the ultimate length.

One thing I would like to suggest is that you work on paragraphing. EVERY time speaker changes, it's a new paragraph. Every time you shift action, it's a new paragraph. That's how it's supposed to be. Yes, you will have many shorter paragraphs, but this isn't an English class theme--no one cares about the heft of your paragraph. But, just like in English class: new idea, new paragraph.

(Also, stop overusing exclamation points. *Especially* in your exposition. Unless your story is being narrated by a hyperactive character, exposition should never have exclamations. Oh, and a spellchecker would be nice.)

Have you considered using a Beta reader?

HK, yes, I teach English. That's the explanation.



Thanks! I took your advice and fixed my paragraphs. I took out some of the exclamation too. It looks alot longer now :lol:
Behold, the eternal glory of... JETFIRE!

Click the link and scroll down to read my reviews!
http://www.seibertron.com/energonpub/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=39496&p=980230#p980230
User avatar
Jetfire Prime
Mini-Con
Posts: 34
News Credits: 1
Joined: Wed Aug 19, 2009 8:43 pm
Strength: 8
Intelligence: 8
Speed: 9
Endurance: 4
Rank: ???
Courage: 7
Firepower: 9
Skill: 5

Re: The Hidden: Chapter 1- The Incident

Postby Carriemus Prime » Tue Oct 13, 2009 6:40 am

Motto: "I want to be remembered when I'm dead. I want books written about me. I want songs sung about me. And then hundreds of years from now I want episodes of my life to be played out weekly at half past nine by some great heroic actor of the age."
Weapon: Twin Sonic Cannons
Interesting.... :)...

keep going...
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Fanfics:Cave In with HK + Shattered Glass
hellkitty wrote:Ah yes. The Ladies Thread: warning: males entering the dreaded and estrogen-drenched domains of the Ladies Thread shall be subjected to slash references, randomness, hugz and apparently, now, sexual harassment.

Burn wrote:
Name_Violation wrote:if you keep writing slash you'll get hairy palms and go blind :P

The man is wise.
Of course wisdom often comes from experience. :WHISTLE:
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Posts: 3154
Joined: Fri Jul 17, 2009 7:33 pm
Location: the back of beyond
Strength: 6
Intelligence: 8
Speed: 10
Endurance: Infinity
Rank: ???
Courage: 10+
Skill: Infinity


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