Transformers:Fight

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Transformers:Fight

Postby Awesomepow » Sat Nov 11, 2017 2:34 pm

Motto: "No,that's Optimus Prime."
Weapon: Electro-Laser Cannon
Hey Seibertron!I'm always a lurker and rarely use my account,but I will post a Seibertron exclusive here!

Chapter 1:Chase

Dead End sprinted across Kaon Plaza Avenue 4.Someone,or something was chasing him.His gears beaten fast as he ducked for cover.A legion of fireballs tarnished the Avenue.The citizens fled as the mighty Steelbane chased Dead End.

WIP

1)If nobody comments it will be cancelled.
2)Thanks!

A-Pow
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Re: Transformers:Fight

Postby snavej » Tue Nov 21, 2017 7:19 am

Two spaces after full stops, exclamation marks & question marks. One space after commas, semi-colons and colons. No commas before 'but', 'or', 'and' & similar words.

Why is Dead End running when he could drive? Is the terrain too rough?

'His gears beat fast...' not 'beaten'.

Normally, a 'legion' is used for people, not fireballs. Try another word like 'storm'.

I rarely get comments but I still write when I have ideas and motivation.
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Re: Transformers:Fight

Postby Awesomepow » Fri Nov 24, 2017 2:53 pm

Motto: "No,that's Optimus Prime."
Weapon: Electro-Laser Cannon
Awesomepow wrote:Hey Seibertron!I'm always a lurker and rarely use my account,but I will post a Seibertron exclusive here!

Chapter 1:Chase

Dead End sprinted across Kaon Plaza Avenue 4.Someone,or something was chasing him.His gears beaten fast as he ducked for cover.A legion of fireballs tarnished the Avenue.The citizens fled as the mighty Steelbane chased Dead End.

WIP

1)If nobody comments it will be cancelled.
2)Thanks!

A-Pow
So...thanks for the reply.Is this better?

Chapter 1: Chase

Dead End zoomed across Kaon Plaza as an unfamiliar figure, Steelbane, was in pursuit of him. A flurry of fireballs tarnished the area as the citizens fled.
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Re: Transformers:Fight

Postby snavej » Mon Nov 27, 2017 1:18 pm

Spelling, punctuation and grammar are better.
'Pursued him' instead of 'was in pursuit of him'.
Personally, I would remove the 'the' before 'citizens' since we don't know who these citizens are yet.
If the attacker is unfamiliar, how do we know his name already?
Tarnishing is a slow process that takes months or years to change the surface of metal. Superhot fireballs would scorch metal very quickly. See the 'sabot rounds' used by human soldiers in the recent live action movies. To be honest, fireballs aren't the best weapons to use against Transformers. Armour-piercing rounds and beam weapons are better. Those are only two examples.
Keep writing! Two sentences don't make a story.
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Re: Transformers:Fight

Postby Awesomepow » Tue Nov 28, 2017 2:50 pm

Motto: "No,that's Optimus Prime."
Weapon: Electro-Laser Cannon
snavej wrote:Spelling, punctuation and grammar are better.
'Pursued him' instead of 'was in pursuit of him'.
Personally, I would remove the 'the' before 'citizens' since we don't know who these citizens are yet.
If the attacker is unfamiliar, how do we know his name already?
Tarnishing is a slow process that takes months or years to change the surface of metal. Superhot fireballs would scorch metal very quickly. See the 'sabot rounds' used by human soldiers in the recent live action movies. To be honest, fireballs aren't the best weapons to use against Transformers. Armour-piercing rounds and beam weapons are better. Those are only two examples.
Keep writing! Two sentences don't make a story.

So...

Chapter 1:Chase

Dead End zoomed across Kaon Plaza as an unfamiliar figure pursued him. A flurry of missles tarnished the Plaza's front by the pursuer's friends as its citizens fled. After finally getting to hide in a small corridor,Dead End looked up the pursuer's body type and stats and discovered it was the Knight Steelbane. His heart raced for he knew the Knights of Iacon are practically unstoppable.

I'll obviously write more for this chapter later but is it better?

Thanks,
Awesomepow
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Re: Transformers:Fight

Postby snavej » Thu Nov 30, 2017 6:45 am

Story is slightly longer and slightly better. Why is Steelbane attacking? Why is Dead End being targeted?

'Knights of Iacon are practically unstoppable' should be 'Knights of Iacon were practically unstoppable'. You are writing in the past tense.

'Missiles', not 'missles'. Use a dictionary and a spell checker. When I write, I do it in Word (with a spell checker) and then paste into Seibertron or wherever. Also use the grammar checker.

What did I just say about 'tarnished'? Read again.

Change 'After finally getting to hide' to 'After hiding' or 'After taking cover'.

One space after commas.
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Re: Transformers:Fight

Postby Awesomepow » Fri Dec 01, 2017 1:57 pm

Motto: "No,that's Optimus Prime."
Weapon: Electro-Laser Cannon
snavej wrote:Story is slightly longer and slightly better. Why is Steelbane attacking? Why is Dead End being targeted?

'Knights of Iacon are practically unstoppable' should be 'Knights of Iacon were practically unstoppable'. You are writing in the past tense.

'Missiles', not 'missles'. Use a dictionary and a spell checker. When I write, I do it in Word (with a spell checker) and then paste into Seibertron or wherever. Also use the grammar checker.

What did I just say about 'tarnished'? Read again.

Change 'After finally getting to hide' to 'After hiding' or 'After taking cover'.

One space after commas.
So...

Chapter 1:Chase

Dead End zoomed across Kaon Plaza as an unfamiliar figure pursued him. A flurry of missiles battered the Plaza's front by the pursuer's friends as its citizens fled. After thankfully hiding in a small corridor, Dead End looked up the pursuer's body type and stats and discovered it was the Knight Steelbane. His heart raced for he knew the Knights of Iacon were practically unstoppable.

Better?
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Re: Transformers:Fight

Postby snavej » Mon Dec 04, 2017 11:19 am

Yes, it's 'polishing up'. Dead End needs to call in his team mates, I reckon: Menasor vs. Steelbane.

....

[Or you could just let the tumbleweeds blow through. ;) ]
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Re: Transformers:Fight

Postby Mixsound » Fri Jun 15, 2018 9:30 am

Motto: "Vaportrail: "GO GET 'EM, CRUSADE PRIME!""
Weapon: Laser Pistol
I for one did not read everything, PLEASE PARDON the interruption,... I know a great plot when I would think that I would see it coming.

--I have something that may help....

At the Autobot base, Autobot Wrecker: Torqueshift shot down Wildrider and Drag-Strip...whom are both surviving. Please pardon my take, I hope you would , uhm... like. it.?..
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Re: Transformers:Fight

Postby Awesomepow » Sun Jul 22, 2018 7:19 am

Motto: "No,that's Optimus Prime."
Weapon: Electro-Laser Cannon
Chapter 1: Chase

Dead End zoomed across Kaon Plaza as an unfamiliar figure pursued him. A flurry of missiles battered the Plaza's front by the pursuer's friends as its citizens fled. After thankfully hiding in a small corridor, Dead End looked up the pursuer's body type and stats and discovered it was the Knight Steelbane. His heart raced for he knew the Knights of Iacon were practically unstoppable.

"Wildbreak, Slashmark, come in."

"Guys!"

While Dead End yelled in his messenger for his teammates, the Stunticons, Steelbane got more closer to him. Steelbane struck him down with a swing of his mighty blade, and Dead End was down on the ground, hurt.

At the Stunticon Base downtown Kaon, Slashmark had finally received the distress help message from Dead End. Knock Out walked over to Slashmark, and saw the message for fast help. Without thought to it, Knock Out and Slashmark combined into Outmark, and raced to their friend's help, unknown to them that he was in the Iacon jail.




Chapter 2: Road Knights



Notes:

So, hello guys. I will be doing this project more and more now. To Snavej, I will include the Combiner Menasor, but he won't get his fight with any Knight. As for your idea, Mixsound, I'm thinking of TF: Fight to be focused mainly on the Knights and Stunticon team. It's more of a one shot, but continually updated with new paragraphs. The Stunticon partnership you mentioned I will have, but Knock Out and Slashmark. The leader of the Stunticon group will be Motorsinge, and the last member I am unsure on yet. Also, Prima will have a role in this battle, so stay tuned!
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Re: Transformers:Fight

Postby Awesomepow » Sun Jul 22, 2018 7:26 am

Motto: "No,that's Optimus Prime."
Weapon: Electro-Laser Cannon
Edit: Never mind, something bigger is coming.
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Re: Transformers:Fight

Postby snavej » Thu Oct 18, 2018 2:07 pm

'Motorsinge'! Funny name! [When checking your engine, don't touch the hot parts with your bare skin. You will be badly burnt. My Dad taught me that in the late 1970s.]

'Slashmark'! That's a mark left after urination, isn't it?! :-)
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