The Energon Pub

[Nemesis Rodimus]

Here we go. This is one of my more simple fanfics.


Chapter 1

The big planet floated through space freely. No star's gravity, however mighty, could hold it. It was no ordinary planet. It was the great creature Unicron. Any human would've assumed that it was pulled out of a sci-fi movie. There was nothing fictional about it.
Inside the great beast, a few creatures moved. Most were small. Tiny, in fact. They were no taller than a human child. But some were bigger.
Two in particular stood out, though.
One was Sideways. He was Unicron's number one pet. Merely an extention of Unicron's will, Sideways never did anything that Unicron didn't order him to do. He used two of the tiny robots for little servants. One was named Rook, the other, Crosswise. They helped Sideways disguise himself when he infintrated Autobot or Decepticon armies. Sideways was similar to a ninja; fast, quiet, and skillful. He could destroy anything with his twin blasters.
The other robot was from a different dimension. One Unicron had already devoured. This one was Galvatron. He wasn't as loyal to Unicron, and he definitely wasn't an extension of Unicron's will. He killed what he wished, because he was terrible, no matter what dimension he was in. On his shoulder sat this symbol:
In Galvatron's eyes, the little beings were useless.
"Forget them," he told Sideways, "They're useless. They couldn't kill a human if they tried. Better servants are Decepticons. They are more powerful than these...insects."
He gestured at Thunderwing, Scourge, Bludgeon, and Dirge, the four Decepticon servants he'd brought with him. They were trained to kill, especially Bludgeon.
"Don't get wise, Galvatron," warned Sideways. "Unicron can hear you. And remember, the Mini-Cons were created by our master himself. They can do whatever they like, and they have the potential to destroy everything."
Galvatron responded to this by snorting. He turned and stomped away.
"Ignore him, master," Sideways begged. "He's only good for killing. He shouldn't be allowed to think - it hurts his head."
The planet rumbled, and Sideways looked out at the audience of ex-Decepticons and Mini-Cons. A small grin crossed his face. Like the ones before it, this universe would be devoured. And when they were all gone...there would be Void.

To be continued...

You like? I'm working on chaper 2. Will update later.

[Nemesis Rodimus]

I'm waiting for some input before I continue, so please comment.

[cybercat]

Well, since you *asked*....

First, virtual cookie for you for not saying 'would of'. You got it right! Yay!

It's early to tell where it's going, for me, so it's kind of hard to comment. You seem to have chosen an interesting POV--it's like a third person limited but that's trying to explain something to a human reader. I'm not really sure (at this point, remember, it's still page one!) if you need that. Readers like figuring stuff out sometimes. You know how everyone likes movies like Memento and Fight Club, right? I'm not saying, hey, be completely confusing, but the important part, in a story, is to get things going.

That's my other main suggestion for this piece--nothing's really *happening*. I can't tell where it's going at all. In fact, we have conversation, but no one seems to be *doing* anything. LIke they're standing around like puppets waiting for their cue. Can you think of something to have Galvatron and Sideways and the other bots *do* that would give us a hint of what's to come--like they're working on a new project together or something? It would also help the reader flesh out the characters more. Like we meet Rook and Crossways, and then...gone. We hear what they have done in the past, but not what they're doing right now. What are they doing? Why are you mentioning them right now--it must be important that they're in this scene, right?

Editors will generally give 100 words for a short story, or 500 for a novel, to decide if they like it or not. You have to hook 'em fast!

Sorry for a bucket of commentage. I teach creative writing, so I get a little *too* into it. I also think of everything in terms of professional publication, so if those strike you as not relevant for you, feel free to ignore! Plus, I love a good fanfic. I think this is a neat start, and I'm really wanting to know what comes next. And I'd really like it to be the best it could be.

HK, remember, I'll edit fanfic for free! Just PM me!

[Nemesis Rodimus]

Okay, thanks for the comment. Here's part 2.

Chapter 2

Sideways loaded his blasters and glared at Galvatron intently. He was going on a mission, and he wanted to be perfectly sure that Galvatron could handle things inside their master.
"Rook! Crosswise!" he barked. "Time to go!"
The two Mini-Cons ran out of the crowd and saluted. Sideways picked up Rook and placed him on top of his head. Instantly, Rook became a new face. Then, Sideways launched himself out of the planet. Invading the Autobots' base (and the Decepticons after that) would be simplicity itself. The hard part would be getting away online. As his ship passed the dimensional barrier, he thought of Galvatron.
Back inside the big planet, Galvatron stared down at the Mini-Cons. They stared back. Galvatron's optical sensor twitched. He'd never liked the little robots. The way they were staring at him just...creeped him out.
"What?" he asked.
Bleep-beep-boop
"Huh?"
Why hadn's Sideways told him that the Mini-Cons spoke in beeps? How would he ever understand them? Getting really close to their faces, he made a snarling noise.
"Can you speak Cybertronian?" he said very slowly.
"Yyyyyeessssss..."
"Good. What do you want?"
"We've arrived," said one.
"Where?"
"The five-thousand and twenty-ninth dimension - the dimension of the 'Robots in Disguise'."
"Bah!" Galvatron snorted. "These ones will be easy to destroy!"
He, Scourge, Thunderwing, Bludgeon, Dirge, and fifty Mini-Cons swooped out of the big planet and toward that dimension's earth. As they landed, they located three Autobots coming towards them.
"Scourge, Thunderwing, Bludgeon!" Galvatron snapped. "Engage Autobots!"
The three ex-Decepticons ran forward, and while Scourge and Thunderwing opened fire on two of the Autobots, Bludgeon slashed at the other.
"Prowl, transform!" said the first.
"X-Brawn, transform!" said the second.
"Side Burn, transform!" said the third.
The three Autobots rammed their shoulders into their assailants. Bludgeon came back a second time and cut through Prowl's arm blasters. The Autobot police officer stumbled backwards.
"You don't quit, do you?" Prowl asked.
"Nope!" hissed Bludgeon.
"Neither do I. Prowl, Super Charge!"
The Autobot's armor plating turned blue. His gun rebuilt itself, and he opened fire. Bludgeon wailed as the missiles melted through his Pretender shell. Prowl looked around.
"Now," he said, "where did their leader go?"
He transformed and left his two brothers to finish their battle. He drove towards Galvatron's last known coordinates. He hoped that he wasn't too late to have a little fun.

****

This dimension's Optimus Prime was just like the rest, Galvatron decided. Tall and red, with the same old mouthplated face. He fired at the tall Autobot leader. As he did so, he noted that this Optimus transformed into something that no other Optimus Prime that he'd seen had ever transformed into: a fire truck.
"What are you doing here?" the Prime asked. "Who are you?"
"I'm Galvatron!" replied the Blendtron. "I'm here to end your world."
"Never!" this Optimus shouted.
He transformed into an armored fighter and opened a small slot in his chest. Galvatron winced as he realized what this Optimus Prime was doing. He was using the Matrix of Leadership. The one thing that could hurt the master -- and his servants.
"W-we can't destroy this one!" he cried. "Everyone retreat!"
As he flew back into the sky, he his the Optimus Prime of this universe with a powerful blast from his deadly cannon. Optimus slumped over, but the power of the Matrix continued to pour out. Galvatron, who had taken the most damage from the Matrix, started to slip into unconsciousness. Thunderwing grabbed him and hauled him away.
"W-where's Bludgeon..." Galvatron stammered.
"He's injured. We're clearing him out, but his shell is useless."
"I don't care, as long as he's alive."
Thunderwing didn't say anything else as he took Galvatron back inside the large planet. The former Decepticon leader was suddenly fearful, for he knew that the master would be extremely displeased. Unpleasant visions were crammed into his head as his master tortured him.
"I-I'm sorry, master," Galvatron whispered. "I-it w-won't...happen a-again..."
He fell over, unconscious. Thunderwing tossed him in a small room, where he could repair himself. The master had no tolerance for failure. They'd just have to move along to the next dimension and return once they had enough power to actually defeat the Matrix.
That would be simple, he decided. For in every dimension they devoured, they recruited three more frightened Decepticons who don't wish to die. Once they had the force of millions, they would return to this dimension.


How is it so far?