The Energon Pub

3 blonds walking down the road.

#1 say, Wait! Dont step in that! i think its dog pooh!

As she gestures to the puddle on the ground

#2 lies down beside the mess to sniff it, and sayd, Yeah it sure smells like dog pooh!

#3 takes some in her hand and squishes it, then says, feels like dog pooh too!

#1 takes some out of #3 hand and tastes it.

You know what girls, says #1 i think this IS dog pooh.

#2 and #3 together, Go thing we didnt step in it!

Three drug dealers die in a shoot out with the cops and find themselves before st. Peter:

"Well",

Says the saint.

"What you did was pretty bad, but we're all abotu second chances, so you'll have 24 hours to go back to earth and stop as many people as possible from doing drugs".

So off they go,

24 hours later they're back before st. Peter.

"So, how many did you save from the horrors of drugs?"

St. Pete asks the first drug dealer.

"10".

"That's pretty good, how'd you do that?"

"Well, I held up a 50c piece and said this is your brain before you do drugs, then I held up a 5c piece and said this is your brain after you do drugs".

"That's great, you can come into heaven">

So the drug dealer heads through the pearly gates.

"Okay, what about you, how many did you save?"

Pete says to the second.

"100".

"Wow, that's fantastic, how'd you do that?"

"Well, I held up 50c piece and said this is your money before you do drugs, then held up a 5c peice and said this is your money after you do drugs".

"Neat, you can defintely come in".

Then st. Pete turns to the last guy.

"How many did you save??"

"200 million".

"HOLY F**KING SH*T THAT"S AMAZING!! HOW THE HEAVEN DID YOU DO THAT?""

"Well, I said, if you do drugs you will go to jail, I held up a 5c piece and said, this is your anus before you go to jail...."

--

Paddy walks into a clock shop, heads up to the clerk and asks in his irsih accent:

"Excuse me, but do you have a potatoe clock?"

The clerk looks surprised, and replies that he doesn't.

Paddy, looking a little dissapointed, leaves.

He then goes into the next shop, asks the clerk the same question, gets the same confused look as an answer.

Long story short, Paddy repeats the process all day, finally, in the last shop, after looking very sad indeed that he hadn't found a potatoe clock, the clerk asks:

"Why do you need a potatoe clock?"

"Well, my boss said he'd fire me if I didn't get a potatoe clock".

(say it in an irish accent),

--

Timmy walks into a clothing shop, hands the tailor a coat and asks him to sew in 100 pockets. The tailor looks confused, but since Timmy has the money, accepts the job.

Three days later the coat is complete and the Irishman puts it on and heads next door into the pet shop.

"Excuse me, but do you have 100 budgies?"

"Ah, no, but we have 12".

"Okay, I'll take the 12".

Pays the clerk, takes his budgies, and puts them in a cage. Heads in to the next pet shop in town and repeats this until finally he has a hundred budgies.

Then Timmy heads to the over pass, opens the cage and takes out the budgies, carefully placing one in each pocket, before he clambers onto the edge and throws him self off.

Obviously he falls a way before splattering on the roadway below. Motorists stop and stare in horror the mangled mess of Timmy and a hundred injured, dying and dead birds.

"HOLY CRAP!! Are you okay?"

Asks one of the concerned bystanders.

"Aye, but its the last time I try budgie-jumping".

--

Okay, they were bad, and I've probably told them before. Oh well.

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" [Turn from your sin]

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,"Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an axe and two 38s!"

A Canadian, an American, and an Englishman walk into a bar. The American turns to the Canadian and asks, "What is this, a joke?"

A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.

Poohy Ol' Negare wrote:--

Paddy walks into a clock shop, heads up to the clerk and asks in his irsih accent:

"Excuse me, but do you have a potatoe clock?"

The clerk looks surprised, and replies that he doesn't.

Paddy, looking a little dissapointed, leaves.

He then goes into the next shop, asks the clerk the same question, gets the same confused look as an answer.

Long story short, Paddy repeats the process all day, finally, in the last shop, after looking very sad indeed that he hadn't found a potatoe clock, the clerk asks:

"Why do you need a potatoe clock?"

"Well, my boss said he'd fire me if I didn't get a potatoe clock".

(say it in an irish accent),


Okay, they were bad, and I've probably told them before. Oh well.

Gotta admit, this one has me stumped. WTH?

Autobot032 wrote:

Poohy Ol' Negare wrote:--

Paddy walks into a clock shop, heads up to the clerk and asks in his irsih accent:

"Excuse me, but do you have a potatoe clock?"

The clerk looks surprised, and replies that he doesn't.

Paddy, looking a little dissapointed, leaves.

He then goes into the next shop, asks the clerk the same question, gets the same confused look as an answer.

Long story short, Paddy repeats the process all day, finally, in the last shop, after looking very sad indeed that he hadn't found a potatoe clock, the clerk asks:

"Why do you need a potatoe clock?"

"Well, my boss said he'd fire me if I didn't get a potatoe clock".

(say it in an irish accent),


Okay, they were bad, and I've probably told them before. Oh well.

Gotta admit, this one has me stumped. WTH?

a potatoe clock = up at 8 o'clock

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

Senor Hugo wrote:

Autobot032 wrote:

Poohy Ol' Negare wrote:--

Paddy walks into a clock shop, heads up to the clerk and asks in his irsih accent:

"Excuse me, but do you have a potatoe clock?"

The clerk looks surprised, and replies that he doesn't.

Paddy, looking a little dissapointed, leaves.

He then goes into the next shop, asks the clerk the same question, gets the same confused look as an answer.

Long story short, Paddy repeats the process all day, finally, in the last shop, after looking very sad indeed that he hadn't found a potatoe clock, the clerk asks:

"Why do you need a potatoe clock?"

"Well, my boss said he'd fire me if I didn't get a potatoe clock".

(say it in an irish accent),


Okay, they were bad, and I've probably told them before. Oh well.

Gotta admit, this one has me stumped. WTH?

a potatoe clock = up at 8 o'clock

THis joke only works if u use a stupid hollywood irish sccent-It took me a second to figure it out-and I had to put on an irish accent (dont i have one????) in order to get it.

Sigh

When will people ever learn-

nation
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

"When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

"When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'"