1. Turtle Wax is not a standard part of a war material kit and will NOT be provided for from the base's general fund.
2. Not allowed to sing "The Hedgehog Song" EVER AGAIN.
2a. Or "Bananaphone," particularly if I'm on communication detail.
2b. Or any Weird Al song if I'm on communication detail.
3. “A Eruchîn, ú-dano i faelas a hyn an uben tanatha le faelas.” Is not compatible with Autobot philosophy and should not be shouted in battle. (This is what Aragorn tells the elves at Helm's Deep. Translation: "Show them no mercy, for you shall receive none.")
4. The Matrix of Leadership does NOT contain a Silmaril, and I should stop spreading stories to that effect.
5. Stop telling the Dinobots that, since the Matrix can be mistaken for a Silmaril, Prime needs a bodyguard against “shiny-obsessed, kinslaying elves”.
6. The Ark's rec room is not "a wretched hive of scum and villainy."
6a. It doesn't matter that Ratchet agrees with me. It still isn't one.
7. Our commander's name and title is "Optimus Prime", not "Darth Prime of the Sith".
8. Debates over whether or not Han shot first shall be restricted to verbal forums. Mechs who insist on escalating to physical duels will be turned over to Ratchet without hearing.
9. Absolutely no shutting down of trash compactors, least of all on the detention level.
10. Human bot flies cannot infest mechanoids and I should stop telling Gears that they can.
10a. The same goes for Guinea Worms.
11. Playing into my fellow Autobots' phobias is a bad idea in general.
12. May not stage a coup of any human governments even if their leaders are annoying, incompetent slag-heads.
13. May not accept the preemptive surrender of any human governments (Sunstreaker, you have to give France back).
14. The Sunsphere in Knoxville, TN is NOT a golf tee for Omega Supreme.
15. No doing chin-ups on the Gateway Arch.
16. When under siege: we are not French, taunting is not an acceptable tactic, and absolutely no launching of cows.
16a. Even if the faces Megatron makes are priceless.
17. There is no "Sacred Band of Iacon", therefore I cannot be a member of it.
17a. I am not authorized to start a "Sacred Band of Iacon".
18. It is not necessary to state "By the Power of Grayskull" when transforming.
19. I am NOT the Lizard King (and that means you, too, Grimlock).
20. Not allowed to re-enact ANY scene from ANY movie.
21. The base's funds may not be used to "give our human allies a make-over".
21a. Even if Spike REALLY needs one.
22. I am not authorized to tell the command staff if they "need a hug".
by contiamirian.
23. Continued violations of #20 will result in the cancelation of base movie night
23. a. even if said violations, 1) “looked really cool” and 2) entertained the humans.
23. b. The perpetrators of any future violations will be met with the punishment outlined in #8. There will be no appeals.
by coraonyx
24. Rescaling and adoption of any human pastime with the terms "Bungee", "Boogie" or "Roller" in the name is strictly prohibited.
24 a. Also "Ultimate"
24 b. And "Australian Rules"
25. Command frequency broadcasts are NOT "Incoming Transmissions from the Big Giant Head".
25 a. Personnel are to refrain from calling Communications Officer Blaster, "Harry".
26. The CMO is not a "towel".
27. In the spirit of camraderie, reinforcement personnel arriving from Cybertron are not to be addressed as "noobs".
28. When addressing the human media at the conclusion of a successful operation, it is appropriate to inform reporters that "The Decepticons were defeated" or "The Autobot forces were triumphant". Personnel telling the humans "We pwned their sad 'con afts," will be placed on report.
29. 1337, "Redneck", "Swedish Chef" and "lol cat" are not approved encryption protocols for secure transmissions.
by JenniferJean
30. Decepticon body parts are not appropriate decore
31. I do not have permission to 'improve' my teammates paint jobs, particularly not right before a mission
32. I am not the reincarnation or any form of ancient human warrior
32. I am not the reincarnation of any form of ancient cybertronian warrior
33. I am not to make up, exaggerate, or misconvay any aspect of Cybertron's culture/biology(ecology)/history to freak out the humans
34. I am not to make up, exaggerate or misconvay any aspect of Earth's culture/biology/history to freak out the autobots
by suchira
35. White pieces of metal are not to be treated as an art canvas. Especially if it's on an autobot.
36. I am not to paint blue flames on Optimus Prime while he recharges.
37. I am not to take humans to Cybertron without spacesuits.
38. I am not to arrange deactivated, relatively whole drones into any position.
39. At all.
40. Vector Sigma is not the large equivalent of an Eight ball.
41. I am not allowed to ask Grimlock to chase his tail.
42. I am not allowed to randomly burn Earth creatures on a spit.
43. I am not allowed to refer to Grimlock as 'Godzilla'.
by bitterloquence
44)Not allowed to infect Teletraan1 with harmless human virus and then go tell Red Alert Teletraan1 is 'melting again'
45) No matter how amusing it is.
46) Tetris and Bejeweled are not proper recreational past-times while Perceptor is giving another one of his reports.
47) While playing the "Imperial Death March" when Prowl is coming for your aft is amusing. It does not amuse him.
48 ) Not allowed to switch Sunstreaker's supply of paint to 'Canary Yellow'.
49) Even if Sideswipe pays me a lot of money or gives me a ridiculous amount of high-grade.
51) Not allowed to tell the humans that Sunstreaker's nickname(s) are "Sunshine", "Sunflower" and "Daffodil of Doom". I'm also not allowed to call Prime "Big Daddy Mack" ever again.
50) Exchanging chain-letters while on duty is not acceptable.
51) Not allowed to open an eBay account in Red Alert's name and then supplying Sideswipe with means in which to prank with said account.
52) Never, ever again reprogram Ratchet's vocalizer to use "Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor not a..." line from Star Trek. He has a wrench and he knows how to use it.
53) Do not allow this list to fall into the hands of the command element.
54) Not allowed to give reports written in Klingon,
Elvish or Gaelic to Perceptor.
55) Not allowed to tag "Many Bothans died to bring us this information" on the end of my reports either.
56) Red Alert is exempt from above.
(from rexlapinii)
57. When Prime says "Autobots, transform and roll out," he does not and will never mean "the red carpet" and I should not pack one against the possibility that one day he might.
57a. No matter how regal and/or stylish a cape it makes for my robot form.
(from camwyn)
58. Those are not launchable spaceships on pylons at the site of the New York World's Fair no matter what Men in Black says, and I am not allowed to commandeer any of them for private flying time.
59. No matter what language it's in or how incomprehensible it is to humans, I am not allowed to wear any kind of paint job or signage reading "I'm With Squishy" anywhere that the humans can see me.
(from Shades)
60. Any movie title with any combination of 'Home' 'Alone' 'Menace' 'Fast' or 'Furious' is banned.
61. No, Ratchet does -not- want to know how you got that in there
(from rosieknight)
62: I am not allowed to tell the Dinobots that I can do real magic.
62a: Even if Mirage and Windcharger agreed to help.
63: My name is not Luke Skywalker and I should not introduce myself as such.
63a: It doesn't matter if I'm on a rescue mission.
64: I am no longer allowed to quote the Princess Bride.
64a: Not even the 'I am Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.' part.
65: Posting Prime info in a personal ad is forbidden.
65a: As is getting him an inflateable femme. Even one that looks like Elita.
65b: He doesn't need a mail-order bride, either.
66: I am not allowed to point out the holes in Megatron's latest scheme/weapon design when he's in earshot.
66a: Nor am I allowed to offer to build him a better superweapon.
66b: Even if it's just a paint bomb.
67: No attempting - or succeding - to recreate ANY Mythbusters experiment. EVER.
68: Optimus Prime is not your father. Elita-one is not your mother. Ironhide isn't your grandfather. Prowl is not your uncle or older brother. Do not refer to them as such.
(from siliconshaman)
69. The phrase is "Autobots Transform and roll out!" NOT "It's Morphin time!"
69a. There is no Brown Power Ranger, and even if there was, it's not Spike!
by suchira
70. Am not allowed to offer Decepticon Soundwave free kitty litter.
71. Decepticon Rumble and Frenzy are enemies and should be treated as such. Not as Cybertronians with dwarfism.
72. Am not allowed to sing 'Sweet Home'-anything while in the presence of Omega Supreme.
73. Am not allowed to repaint the faction symbols on fellow Autobots.
73a. Especially not into Decepticon ones.
74. Am not allowed to redesign faction symbols in any way whatsoever.
75. Am not allowed to comment on Megatron having 'baby-bearing hips'.
76. Starscream is not a femme.
76a. And even if he was, he is not available.
76b. Am not allowed to imply that 'I'd be here if Megatron ever gets too boring'.
76c. Am not allowed to imply that 'Prime'd be here if Megatron ever gets too boring'.
77. Am not allowed to replace Track's store of turtle wax with acid.
78. The lines: "His name is Squishy, and he shall be mine. And he shall be my Squishy." from Finding Nemo does not belong to me, and I should not sue for copyright infringement.
79. Muffins should not be placed within the barrels of any weaponry.
80. Am not allowed to hunch over, follow Ratchet and respond to him with "Yesss, massster." or "Igor found some fresh parts today."
81. I am NOT bringing sexy back. ~coraonyx
by Dragoon
82. I am not allowed to refer to Skywarp as "Nightrawler."
82a. Nor am I allowed to yell "BAMPH!" when ever he appears or disappears.
by vierge
83. I am not allowed to give any material, solid or liquid, classified as a pyrophoric substance to Wheeljack.
83a. I am not allowed to give it to the Twins, either.
by bitterloquence
84) Am not allowed to take two Alka-Seltzer and go to the medbay pretending to have seizures. Ratchet doesn't buy it.
85) Am not allowed to dare the Aerialbots to play chicken with the Seekers to prove their 'manliness' or supremacy of the air. .
86) Am not allowed to taunt the rookies into thinking they have a manliness in general that they need to defend.
87) Am not allowed to proclaim myself the Supreme Ruler of Cheesenips.
88 ) Am not allowed to proclaim myself King of anything.
88a) Or Princess, Queen, Duke of York ect. ect.
89) Am most certainly never allowed to tell Grimlock "I pwned your aft, Scalybutt"
90) Crocodile Hunter is not appropriate Dinobot viewing material.
91) Try and avoid nature shows in general, it upsets Hound and gives the Dinobots bad ideas.
by ironbite
92. If I encounter a time traveler, I am not allowed to point him in the direction of Rodimus.
93. Or Galvatron.
94. If a small talking dinosaur appears in an explosion, I am not allowed to tell the Dinobots about him.
95. Nor Perceptor.
by suchira
96. Am not allowed to paint Dinobot purple and convince him that Barney is his progeny.
97. Swoop should never be covered in feathers.
98. Am not allowed to convince Blaster to play Mortal Kombat theme music during battles.
99: Swapping of paint jobs between members of the same build type is banned: Rumble and Frenzy this means you. ~JenniferJean
by bitterloquence(its time to pick on the 'cons!)
100) Am not allowed to run around scooping up minibots and or cassetticons proclaiming "I shall call him...Mini Me" Especially within Soundwave's hearing range.
101) Am not allowed to egg on fights between Megatron and Starscream solely for my own personal amusement.
102) I am never allowed to tell Starscream that certain human battle cries are "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the prettiest Seeker of all?" Nor am I allowed to get him to say "I am a pretty, pretty princess" while going into battle. Sadly, he figured that one out pretty quickly but it was amusing while it lasted.
103) Am forbidden from provoking infighting between the gestalts. Cannot tell Combaticons that the Stunticons think they're a "Bunch of pussies who are all talk and that the Stunticons are going to make them 'their bitch' "
104) Nor am I allowed to point out that when said team joins into their respective gestalt, their IQ seems to plummet seventy-five points until they're just above the level of 'drooling idiot'
104a) I am not allowed to try and take over the world/overthrow the Decepticons with said big, drooling idiots.
104b) That means you, Starscream and the Combaticons.
105) Am not allowed to **** with Soundwave's cassettes with questions like "So is Soundwave your mommy or your daddy?" or "What really goes on in that chest of his. Are you all just snuggled up like a minicon orgy or something?" "Want some catnip, Ravage" You get the idea.
106) It's hilarious to switch out the Constructicon's blueprints half-way through a build but you'd better pray to Primus that they never find out it was you .
107) Am not allowed to taunt Astrotrain about 'how gay' his train mode is.
108) Am not allowed to screw with Galvatron in an argument at or compare him to Megatron. Especially with "If you were half the leader Megatron was-" He will not go "I'm ten times the leader Megatron was!" He will simply destroy you on an atomic level.
109) No matter what his name is, Cyclonus will NOT give you a whirly-ride and it's beneath your station to beg him for one.
110) No longer allowed to tell fellow 'cons to defect or go AWOL.
110a) Or joke with Octane about 'Running off with your boyfriend.' Because he will do it and then it's your ass.
by CrimsonStarlight
111) Not allowed to use the curse word 'slag' around ANY of the Dinobots.
112) Not allowed to go find Slag and tell him Ratchet wants to see him when the CMO uses 'slag' as a curse word.
113) Not allowed to imply that any Autobot is having a 'relationship' with any Decepticon within hearing range of Red Alert.
113a) This includes security cameras equipped with microphones when I know he's on duty.
114) Not allowed to tell Megatron that there is a 'One Ring to Rule Them All', and that some short squishy is trying to destroy it.
116) Not allowed to tell the humans that Megatron's secret weakness is irradiated pieces of Cybertron, and then provide them with irradiated pieces of Cybertron.
116a) Nor non-irradiated pieces of Cybertron.
117) Not allowed to convince any of the Dinobots that 'There can be only one!' is an appropriate warcry when attacking Decepticons with their swords.
by WyntirRose
118 ) I will not convince any of the Dinobots to call "Bloody Mary".
118a) This also applies to Candyman, Hastur, or any other being than can be summoned through mirrors or by repeating their name three times.
119) I will not teach the Dinobots Punch Buggy ...
119a) ... and then tell them that Bumblebee wants to play.
120) There is to be no tampering with the humans' food/drink supply EVER. It does not matter that Spike and Carly are "really fun when they're cratered". ~EponaHarper
by Nightfire99201
120) I will not feed magic mushrooms or marijuana to the Insecticons and tell them that it’s better than high grade.
121) I will not switch Blaster’s cassettes with Soundwave’s cassettes and not tell them.
121b) Or not tell the cassettes that they are in Bazzaro World as an excuse.
122) I will not call Scourge ‘Blue Beard the Pirate the Scourge of the seven seas!
123) I will not repaint the Sweeps so I and everyone else can tell them apart from Scourge.
123b) Even though it would help.
124) I will not paint a bull’s-eye on Wheelie’s back.
125) I will not force Quintessons with endless reruns of South Park, Drawn Together, or Family Guy.
125b) And tell them it’s the core of human religion.
by Shirozora(2007movie)
126. (from the 2007 movie) I will not terminate the Chihuahua, no matter how many times it urinates on my foot.
126a. I also will not terminate Sam's parents, nor will I terminate anything that's not a Decepticon.
127. From now on I will not be a wimp and not rescue a fellow Autobot just because we might hurt the humans.
128. Sentience is not the only word in my vocabulary.
by suchira
129. (Armada) Not allowed to refer to Starscream's wing-sword and the StarSabre as 'lightsabers from Star Wars'.
129a. Consequently, if Starscream and Megatron ever fight and the two aforementioned weapons are involved, I am not allowed to call either the following: Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker, Chewbacca, Darth Maul.
129b. Not allow to trail Starscream in the aftermath, mimicing Megatron's voice and saying, 'Starscream... I am your father.'
130. I will not ridicule Megatron's head in any way.
131. The divulging of base schematics and/or coordinates to the opposing faction in exchange for anything is not allowed.
131a. Not allowed to blame the above on Swindle once caught. The Constructicons prefer not to repair him more than twice a day.
by TurboMagnus
132. Roller is not a Battlebot or anything of the sort and is not to be entered in any such competition.
132a. And Prime does not even want to know just how you managed to override his link to Roller in the first place.
by bitterloquence
133) Online poker sites are forbidden from here on out.
133a) That means you Smokescreen.
134) Ratchet does not like it when you sarcastically tell him to check the oil and rotate the tires. That's not the only thing he'll rotate.
by TurboMagnus
135. Prowl is not to be referred to as 1-Adam-12, Car 54 or anything else of the sort.
136. Also, Inferno and Hot Spot are not assigned to Station 51 and cannot get you Gage and DeSoto's autographs.
136a. This is because they are fictional characters, stop bothering the LA County Fire Department before they decide to sue us.
by Scopeshot
137: If, upon conceiving an idea, the mere thought of it causes a smile that can be described as either deranged or maniacal which in turn causes my facial features to freeze in such an expression, I am to assume that I am not allowed to pursue said idea.
137a: For those of us without visible mouths, supplement the above with other indicators such as trouble speaking clearly, snickering or giggling, and in one particular case, burning out the lights on one's head crests.
138: Water-based and water-activated adhesives will be very clearly marked as such, kept in their original bottles, and are not be mixed with any sort of cleaning agent whatsoever.
138a: This especially applies to the cleaning racks.
139: The Decepticons do not care for levity, and I am not an actor in a Hollywood film. I do not need to stall foes in battle until such time that I can give a witty quip.
139a: This rule still applies even if I have been in a movie.
140: While a mind towards operational security is welcome, the implementation of systems based on 'something you saw on the Internet' including, but not limited to, any of the following are strictly disallowed: bowling balls, large masses of metal shavings, cut down trees, steel-cable trip wires, paint, BBs, latex, the words 'medieval' and 'projectile' in the same paragraph, and fruit.
by Shirozora
141. Not allowed to download music with the peer-to-peer sharing systems as Red Alert may be sent a lawsuit from music companies.
142. Please do not go around making fun of Arcee for not getting into the 2007 live-action movie. She did not get exclusive training from Ironhide for nothing, and Ratchet is running out of spare parts.
142a. Ratchet has announced that any injuries obtained due to above will NEVER be repaired.
143. Copies of the Mythbusters television series DVDs are now to be kept under lock and key.
143a. Sunstreaker, Sideswipe, I'm talking to you.
143b. You too, Wheeljack.
144. No longer allowed to call Rodimus Prime "Not-Prime" under any circumstances.
145. The animated movie is now banned from the Ark, as it makes Optimus Prime sad.
by TurboMagnus
146. You may NOT browse E-Bay and hunt down people who list Power Rangers toys as Transformers toys and Transformers toys as Power Rangers toys so you can scare them.
(I admit it, this is a minor pet-peeve of mine, the amount of PR stuff that gets listed as "Transformers" just because they can change forms and the TF stuff that gets listed as "Power Rangers")
147. Bumblebee and company are MiniBOTS, not MiniCONS, do not try and Powerlink them to you using a high-grade bonding agent.
148. Cyclonus is no longer to be asked what happened to his 'armada', the cyber-psychiatrist's bills have gotten far too high.
149. Stop repainting your teammates in their sleep. This includes the following;
Optimus Prime as Motormaster, Mirage as Drag Strip, Jazz as Dead End, any of the Lambighinis (Sideswipe, Sunstreaker or Red Alert) as Breakdown, Windcharger as Wildrider, Hound as Swindle, or any other possibilities not listed.
150. Stop wearing clothes (and the command staff does not even want to KNOW where you acquired Transformer-sized clothing.)
~~
Thanks to Epona_harper for giving me permission to post this! And BTW feel free to add!
