The Energon Pub

So I am sitting here next to my girlfriend, drinking my coffee, reading this article on my phone. When I got to the part about the inflatable sex-dolls and saw the picture of Sam and his awkward looking mouth, I blew coffee out my nose.

Hilarious.

Ah, KISS Players. One of the only things about TF that makes me ashamed to be a fan.

Time for the next chapter of unbridled oddity.

#6: Metroplex

Who?

Don't be daft. You know who Metroplex is.


He's like a father to me, only more reliable.

Surely, you may be saying, Metroplex is the very spirit of normality. To which I reply yes, and don't call me Daphne. Aside from occasionally wearing the Aerialbots as kneepads Metromaplex is a pretty regular dude.

Of course everyone in the world owns a Metroplex. Everyone. There are primitive nomads in the wilds of the Serengeti who have Metroplex in their huts. If you leave a space on your shelf long enough, he'll just appear. But his ubiquity doesn't make him a bad figure, or a weird one. He has lots of fun cool gimmicks, an awesome rolling land-battleship-thing mode and a fancy futuristic city mode. He's pretty damn awesome.

So what's he doing on this list then?

More like what's your mum doing on th...no wait, your mum is the weir...well you fight like a cow!

Anyway, Metropecs isn't weird but his companions are...

#7: The friends and family of Metroplex

Okay, this entry is a bit of a cheat because these guys can't be bought separately. I'm not really sure what to consider them. Toys? Accessories?


Architecture?

First up is Scamper:


He has never forgiven BP.

Scamper is a pretty awesome dude. He transforms into a battle car with twin cannons on his roof and no fewer than six wheels. He holds his gun sideways-gangsta style. And aside from his Autobrand he's totally black.

How black is he?

He's so black he taught movieverse Jazz how to talk. He's so black Track's blackbeam gun actually looks kind of charcoal by comparison. He's so black every time he sleeps the other 'Bots assume he died.

Anyway, he's obviously pure black for cheap economic reasons. But while it would ridiculous on any other figure it looks amazing on him.

Next is Sixgun:


"When are we finally going to see some action? I'm as bored as a pacifist's pistol."

A Texan's dream, Sixgun is what happens when you get a weapon placement, strap two guns to the sides, let it walk around on a pair of guns, strap a twin gun to its back and then, because it's not heavily-armed enough, give it a gun.


There's no way this could end badly.

Because the heroic Autobots who fight for peace and freedom really need a walking gun who wears guns and carries a gun.


Worst...Actionmaster....ever.

Slammer kind of lost the alt-mode lottery. Sure, he's not a toaster or a frog. But while his tank mode isn't too bad his robot mode is...


"Yep. Yep, that's me. Third tower from the back, yeah."

Yeah, life must be tough without eyes. Or hands. Or a mouth. Or any resale value.

#6: Honourable Weirdness


The real reason you paid $600 for Fort Max.

Anyway, that's about it for this installment. Next time is going to be a pretty popular one when fans think of weird Transformers figures so be sure to tune in!

To be or not to be; that is the question. This list of the 10 Weirdest Toys I hold, is it a record of what will be, or only what may? For if, the future is indeed imutably foretold, then my demise is but moments from the confirmation. For I, I could not live if not the master of my fate. But if the future can be changed, if this list records merely one path of all the myriad ways the cosmos might conform, then its power is infinite, and yet, still limited. For it could be used but once, and in that change be rendered fiction, forevermore. I could destroy it! But no. T'would be a coward's answer. I will know the truth instead. Then, it will be either it, or me, that faces oblivion. Till then!..

Diem wrote:[img]http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41-me8%2BROML._SL500_AA280_.jpg[/img]
"Yep. Yep, that's me. Third tower from the back, yeah."

Another nice entry Diem, but one of your IMG tags needs fixing.

Mykltron wrote:

Diem wrote:[img]http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41-me8%2BROML._SL500_AA280_.jpg[/img]
"Yep. Yep, that's me. Third tower from the back, yeah."

Another nice entry Diem, but one of your IMG tags needs fixing.

I don't know what you're talking about...

Thanks man, I am very bad at editing my own posts. Not a great quality for a News Staff member...

Ah, Metroplex's accessories. Six-Gun... peacetime must suck for him.

RK_Striker_JK_5 wrote:Ah, Metroplex's accessories. Six-Gun... peacetime must suck for him.

On that day, when peace finally arrives, he will volunteer for the experimental process stolen from Classics Megatron to have himself converted to Nerf.

Diem wrote:

RK_Striker_JK_5 wrote:Ah, Metroplex's accessories. Six-Gun... peacetime must suck for him.

On that day, when peace finally arrives, he will volunteer for the experimental process stolen from Classics Megatron to have himself converted to Nerf.

How do we know he hasn't done that already, and his reputation and name are just to scare Decepticons into surrendering when he points his (now foam rubber shooting) blasters at him?

Well, think about Slammer. Either a tank... or tower.

RK_Striker_JK_5 wrote:Well, think about Slammer. Either a tank... or tower.

As much as I enjoy Metroplex and all his parts I would have to include Slammer in a top ten of worst Transformers ever. Not only does he transform into a tower but he's not even a very good tower. At least if you flip out the tower in tank mode it looks like a battering ram.

Diem wrote:

RK_Striker_JK_5 wrote:Well, think about Slammer. Either a tank... or tower.

As much as I enjoy Metroplex and all his parts I would have to include Slammer in a top ten of worst Transformers ever. Not only does he transform into a tower but he's not even a very good tower. At least if you flip out the tower in tank mode it looks like a battering ram.

I spent the better part of a year trying to figure out how to make a new slammer. I still got nothing. Although now I'm thinking of something along the lines of a tank-bot that has a battering ram on one of his arms.

Does Slammer even have a bio?

This reminds me, I've always wanted a 3rd part add-on of actual arms for sixgun. I remember an episode of G1 where he clearly had arms and the guns kind of just rested on his shoulders.

Seeing how I'm not doing anything right now, I'm gonna bust out my styrene and make some arms. I'll post a Work in Progress later.

Anyways, this thread has been quite amusing. It leaves me guessing all the time as to who the next weirdo is going to be.

robofreak wrote:

Diem wrote:

RK_Striker_JK_5 wrote:Well, think about Slammer. Either a tank... or tower.

As much as I enjoy Metroplex and all his parts I would have to include Slammer in a top ten of worst Transformers ever. Not only does he transform into a tower but he's not even a very good tower. At least if you flip out the tower in tank mode it looks like a battering ram.

Does Slammer even have a bio?

Bob Budiansky wrote:His left rear tower transforms into a tank called Slammer. Metroplex can control Slammer for a maximum range of 40 miles. Slammer's cannon shoots explosive rocket-propelled mortar shells that have a 1.5-mile range. Scamper, the small sports car berthed within Metroplex, carries side-mounted electro-blasters that shoots streams of 20,000-volt electricity. In robot mode, Scamper uses a high-energy particle beam pistol. Scamper has a maximum speed of 150 mph and a range of 500 miles. Six-Gun, the small robot made literally of six guns and Metroplex's central tower, is a walking, talking artillery battery. In addition to the twin surface-to-air guided missile launchers he wears on his back, Six-Gun has ion-pulse rifles for arms and sometimes uses a seventh gun, a high-temperature acetylene pistol that can melt through most metals. Scamper and Six-Gun operate independently of Metroplex. Each has a mind of his own, although each essentially has a personality nearly identical to Metroplex and is mind-linked to him and each other.

Scamper tends to be more impulsive and gregarious, Six-Gun more belligerent. The three minds together can be considered units of a single, larger mind, although Metroplex's mind is clearly dominant. Metroplex mostly uses Scamper, Six-Gun, and Slammer to scout and defend his periphery, although occasionally he'll send one or more on short missions.

Guess not.

mmmm...battered ram.

fun list as ever, Diem. keep it up

Diem wrote:

RK_Striker_JK_5 wrote:Well, think about Slammer. Either a tank... or tower.

As much as I enjoy Metroplex and all his parts I would have to include Slammer in a top ten of worst Transformers ever. Not only does he transform into a tower but he's not even a very good tower. At least if you flip out the tower in tank mode it looks like a battering ram.

There's your next list, then.

RK_Striker_JK_5 wrote:

Diem wrote:

RK_Striker_JK_5 wrote:Well, think about Slammer. Either a tank... or tower.

As much as I enjoy Metroplex and all his parts I would have to include Slammer in a top ten of worst Transformers ever. Not only does he transform into a tower but he's not even a very good tower. At least if you flip out the tower in tank mode it looks like a battering ram.

There's your next list, then.

Haha, I would never do a worst figures list. The pageviews would be fantastic but the negative feedback if I bashed someone's favourite would be overwhelming.

Sorry about the silent treatment. There was going to be a new post up yesterday but under the circumstances I don't really feel up to cracking jokes about the Japanese and their wacky toys.

Thank you for your understanding.

Scamper: blacker than the blackest black times infinity!

Man this list is hilarious, man I wish I wouldn't have lost Sam now....

For me its anything beast wars. Those things are fugly.

Diem wrote:Sorry about the silent treatment. There was going to be a new post up yesterday but under the circumstances I don't really feel up to cracking jokes about the Japanese and their wacky toys.

Thank you for your understanding.

Understandable.

sancho's revenge wrote:For me its anything beast wars. Those things are fugly.

Agreed, although I liked Megatron. He was the only one out of the bunch I contemplated getting out of that line. The rest just looked.................well...........fugly..

Love these! Keep em comin!

Will Microphone Megatron (WORST. FIGURE. EVER.) be on the list?

ZeldaTheSwordsman wrote:Will Microphone Megatron (WORST. FIGURE. EVER.) be on the list?

Wait, what?

Diem wrote:

ZeldaTheSwordsman wrote:Will Microphone Megatron (WORST. FIGURE. EVER.) be on the list?

Wait, what?

If it's the one I'm thinking of: A toy of Megatron's gun mode that worked as a wireless microphone. It was operated by pointing the gun at your mouth and speaking into the barrel... Because what harm could come from pointing a gun at your own face?

Samsonator wrote:

Diem wrote:

ZeldaTheSwordsman wrote:Will Microphone Megatron (WORST. FIGURE. EVER.) be on the list?

Wait, what?

If it's the one I'm thinking of: A toy of Megatron's gun mode that worked as a wireless microphone. It was operated by pointing the gun at your mouth and speaking into the barrel... Because what harm could come from pointing a gun at your own face?

I believe you speak into the back of the scope. Which is more secret agent-y and less mistaken-for-suicide-y.