?Shrek vs. the Transformers? Chapter 1: ?Where are we again??:
A beam of soft light floats down upon a book. The cover is a deep rich brown with four squares and small pictograms inside each square. The book calmly opens as if by the wind, and rests upon the first pages of the story?
?Once upon a time; in a distant and long ago land; a great and terrible dragon and his minions fought against a brave and noble gorilla and his men in a battle for time and peace.? A voice says, and the page of the book turns?
?But the dragon was defeated, and the wise gorilla and his men placed the dragon in chains and attempted to leave the world they invaded in peace?? The voice continues as the page turns?
?But the vessel in which the mighty gorilla and his warriors were using entered a magical gate; and they were not seen again; until much later; when many changes in the world they left took place?? The voice explains as the next page turns?
?And alas the gorilla and his men returned, but so did the dragon; and thus their battle began anew??
?Ah slag!? The book slams shut as a red hand throws the book down. ?I thought this was supposed to be a chronicle of the future; so much for the Covenant of Primus!? A green hand reaches down and picks up the book, ?But Megatron?? another voice calls out as he follows the red handed dragon leader through the forest, ??this givez record of the future!? he holds up the book happily. Megatron stops and snarls at the bot, ?Do not try my patience Waspinator?It?s bad enough I have to be in this?place with you!? Waspinator cowers in fear, but once Megatron turns around and starts walking again, he sticks out his tongue at him and starts marching behind him.
Elsewhere, Donkey and Fiona stand outside their home in the swamp, staring at an incredible sight. ?What do you think it is?? Fiona asks him. ?I don?t know, but I think that we should back away slowly and not mess with any of this voodoo!? Donkey retorts as steps back slowly. ?It?s O.K. Donkey; I?m sure whoever?s in their will be happy to see us?? Fiona begins; when suddenly the hatch of the Autobot shuttle cracks open and they both freeze in fear.
The hatch slowly creeks open, and a metallic hand pokes out. ?AH! I told you! It?s the end of the world!? Donkey starts racing around in circles, ?The sky is falling!! I?m gonna die! I?M GONNA DIE!! HELP ME FIONA!!? ?Calm down Donkey; it?s just a hand?? Fiona calmly says as she grabs Donkey in mid-sprint. ?O.K., O.K., I feel a lot better now.? He smiles and they both watch as the hatch opens the rest of the way, and a head pokes out of the hatch.
?We?re defiantly not on Cybertron.? Rattrap mutters as he crawls back inside and begins to close the hatch. ?No wait!!? Fiona yells, extending her arm to reach towards him. ?WHAT?? Donkey quickly asks in shock, ?I know you ain?t seriously thinking about I think you?re thinking about?? Donkey grins innocently, ??Right?? Fiona sighs and explains her feelings to Donkey with her hands, ?Donkey, it?s alright. I?m sure they?ll be kind, sweet and friendly?? She gives him an adoring smile, which does little to calm Donkey.
The hatch pokes open a little bit and all they can see is a glowing optic on the inside, ?So?this is Cybertron?? Rattrap quietly opens the hatch again and lets it drop open on the other side. ?Cyber-what?? Donkey asks, ?He ain?t talkin? about the swamp is he?? Fiona shrugs her shoulders at Donkey's question.
Just then, the door of the house opens and Shrek steps out and stretches in the sunlight and itches his butt crack quickly. He opens his eyes, and drops his jaw in shock at what he sees. ?What in the name of my great green underwear is going on here?!?
Donkey walks up to him, ?But Shrek, you don?t have any green underwear?? ?I know.? Shrek comments calmly as he looks down at Donkey. ?You don?t even wear underwear; do you?? ?DONKEY!! NOT NOW!? Shrek throws him arms up infrustration and walks fully out of the house. ?And for your information; I do wear underwear.?
?Sure you do?? Donkey mutters as he follows Shrek as he walks towards the ship, ?And I?m a talking donkey?no wait; I am a talking donkey.? He shakes off the failed reference as they head towards the ship.
?What?s going on here Fiona?? Shrek asks her as he gestures towards the downed ship. ?Huh?I was just ?bout to ask you the same question.? Rattrap laughs as he walks up to them. A long awkward silence takes place as the three stare at each other; unable to speak.
?Well now; isn?t this weird?? Donkey pokes his head in the middle of the three and gives a wide grin. ?A talkin? donkey?? Rattrap shouts in surprise. ?Yeah, it?s gettin? him to shut up that?s the trick.? Shrek air-whispers to Rattrap, and Donkey squints in response.
?Are you a transformer?? a voice echoes from behind them as they all look at the shuttle and see Cheetor jump out onto the ground. ?A transformer? What?s that?? Shrek asks, scratching the top of his head. ?Yeah, like this?? Rattrap begins as he transforms into a Transmetal rat. The three stare in awe.
?Ooh! Ooh! I wanna try that!? Donkey jumps up and down in eager excitement and Shrek shakes his head in disbelief, ?Donkey, you can?t transform?you?re just a donkey.?
?I can talk; what makes you think I can?t transform. Huh?? Donkey gives Shrek the big-one-eye. ?Alright then?go on and try.? ?It?s easy; all you do is say your name and ?Maximize??., Rattrap begins, ?Here, lemme show you. Rattrap, MAXIMIZE!? He transforms into bot mode, ?See??
?O.K., O.K., I?m going to do it?I can do it!!!? Donkey sits upon his butt, closes his eyes and assumes a meditating position, ?Find the balance, feel the transformation?? Rattrap looks at him in question. ?You don?t need to say all that?? Cheetor says and laughs a little. Donkey opens one eye quickly, ?Alright then?? he returns to all fours and breathes in deeply, ?O.K., here goes nothin??? He takes a final look around at everyone, ?Donkey?MAXIMIZE!?
Nothing happens. ?Try harder?? Fiona urges him on; drawing an odd look from Shrek. ?Donkey, MAXIMZE!? Donkey yells, and just then he farts super-loudly. Everyone covers their noses in horror and waves away the smell. ?Ugh, what did you eat?? Shrek asks, still fanning. ?Guess he?s not a transformer.? Cheetor comments as he fans away the smell. ?Gee, ya think?? Rattrap quickly notes sarcastically.
Elsewhere, Megatron and Waspinator are walking through the woods when they finally exit them, and enter a large clearing. ?Is that??? Megatron begins, staring in wonder at the sight before him. ?Ooh?pretty!? Waspinator mutters as they both stare out across the hilltop towards the city of DuLoc.
?So, there is some civilization on this dirtball, perhaps I can get some answers here?? Megatron begins as he strolls across the great field towards the city. But he suddenly hears a noise behind him, and quickly turns around, ?What are you doing??
He stops in mid sentence as he sees Waspinator being attacked by?squirrels. ?By the pit?I can?t trust you to do anything, can I?? Megatron stomps over towards Waspinator. ?Help?Wazpinator pinned by angry mousy-bots!!!? Waspinator holds his arms in the air in fear of moving. Megatron stomps up to Waspinator, and all of a sudden all the squirrels look up at Megatron. Megatron raises his arm to fry the squirrels with his dragon attack; and all the squirrels cower in fear.
Just then, Megatron sticks out his tongue and makes funny faces at the squirrels. They look up at him in wonder; and flee in terror. Waspinator watches them flee; then stares up at Megatron. ?What?you were expecting Great War III?? Megatron smirks, and continues towards DuLoc.
Finally, they cross the field and enter a parking lot. Megatron looks up at the sign, ?You are parked in Iacon?? he mutters as he stares in wonder, but shrugs it off as nothing. They stroll towards the entrance, and a man with an oversized Prince Charming head greets people as they walk in. Megatron and Waspinator walk up to him, and Megatron?s shadow towers over the man. He turns and sees the two bots.
?I?ve gotta get a new job!!!? He screams as he runs screaming through the maze of ropes that organize the non-existant line. ?Was it my breath?? Megatron turns and asks Waspinator. Waspinator looks up at him and shrugs as Megatron simply steps over the ropes and walsk towards the entrance. The man's large head smashes into the entrance booths and he's knocked unconscious. Megatron and Waspinator look down at him, ?Stupid humans.? Megatron comments as he bashes through the booths and walks inside DuLoc.
Inside people are walking about and shopping when they all notice Megatron and Waspinator. ?AAAHHHH!!!? They all scream and run in every direction away from them and hide inside the houses and shops. ?I need a new agent.? Megatron quietly mutters as they walk through the empty city.
Soft shopping-mall music plays through the speakers as they walk towards a booth that says ?Information?. ?Perhaps this will give me the answers I need?? Megatron begins as he reaches down and pulls the handle. It slowly begins ticking, and the two robots draw their weapons expecting it to blow up. All of a sudden the doors swing open and tiny wooden statues of Prince Charming and the ugly stepsister start dancing and singing. ?Welcome to duloc; such a perfect town. Here we have some rules; let us lay them down.
Don't make waves, stay in line, and we'll get along fine; Duloc is a perfect place! Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your...face! Duloc is?Duloc is?Duloc is a PER-FECT PLACE!!?
All of a sudden the doors close and a flash goes off, and a picture prints out below the booth of Megatron and Waspinator with dumbfounded looks upon their faces. Megatron grabs the photo and looks at it; ?Oh, so that?s what I look like; no wonder?? He tosses the photo away and Waspinator catches it in mid-air. ?Aw, Wazpinator didn?t smile??
Back at the swamp, Optimus, Silverbolt and Blackarachnia have all come out of the shuttle and are talking with Shrek, Fiona, and Donkey. ?So, where are we again?? Rattrap asks. ?You?re in my swamp!? Shrek states as he walks up to Optimus. ?We understand that Mr. Shrek, but I think what Rattrap is trying to ask is when is it?? Optimus states. ?It?s Thursday!? Donkey announces, drawing a look from everyone. ?What?? He asks, looking at everyone.
?This is useless boss monkey! We don?t know what date it is; and they don?t understand us?? Rattrap explains as he gestures around at everyone with his hands. Shrek begins to take a drink of an eyeball martini. Fiona smiles, ?Well, until you figure out where you guys are, you?re more than welcome to stay here.? Shrek swallows the eye and starts choking, and drops the glass. He hacks for a minute before spitting out the eyeball at Silverbolt. ?Guess he?s got an eye on you.? Rattrap quickly adds with a wink.
?Hold the phone!? Shrek begins as he catches his breath, ?That wasn?t part of the deal.? ?What deal?? Blackarachnia asks. ?I don?t remember any deal...? Cheetor states dumbfoundly. ?Doesn?t anyone use sayings?? Shrek asks rhetorically. Everyone stares at him silently. ?O.K. then?? he says and walks up to Fiona, and a staring match ensues, ?These iron giants aren?t staying in my swamp; and that?s final!?
?Thanks for letting us stay here!? Silverbolt calls out as he pulls out the last piece of their equipment from inside the shuttle. Shrek shakes his head in disbelief, and watches as the Maximals go inside his house.
Whaddaya think?
