by megatrina » Fri Jun 29, 2007 10:35 pm
Megatron and Optimus Prime in:
THE DRINKING CONTEST
The Decepticons are sitting in the desert, holding energon cubes. A full moon rises in the night sky.
MEGATRON: Decepticons, a toast. To the imminent destruction of the accursed Autobots.
DECEPTIONS: Hear, hear!
MEGATRON: My ultra-powerful new weapon will soon blast them into oblivion.
They drink. Suddenly, headlights appear out of the darkness. In the moonlight we can see the form of a tractor-trailer.
MEGATRON: It can’t be …
The shadow transforms.
OPTIMUS PRIME: I can tell you’re up to no good, Megatron.
MEGATRON: Prime!
OPTIMUS PRIME: Whatever you’re plotting, I’ll put a stop to it.
MEGATRON: I don’t think so.
Optimus Prime looks around. All the Decepticons are pointing guns at his head.
MEGATRON: We’re going to end this once and for all, Prime.
He hands Optimus Prime an energon cube.
MEGATRON: I challenge you to a drinking contest.
OPTIMUS PRIME: What makes you think I’d accept, Megatron?
MEGATRON: Ancient Law of Cybertron Number 46.
A hush falls on the Decepticons.
OPTIMUS PRIME: I had forgotten all about Ancient Law of Cybertron Number 46. I have no choice but to accept.
MEGATRON: The first one to fall must leave the Earth forever.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Very well. But you’re no match for my strength.
MEGATRON: We shall see about that.
Later …
Megatron and Optimus Prime are sitting on the ground. Each is surrounded by several empty energon cubes.
OPTIMUS PRIME: They used to call me Orion the Kegmeister. Orion Kegs.
MEGATRON: They did not.
They both sound quite tipsy.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Uh-huh.
He takes a swig.
MEGATRON: Oooh, look at me, I’m Orion Pax. Watch me run away from Megatron.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Shut up.
Starscream starts to laugh drunkenly.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Shut up!
MEGATRON: Look at me, I’m Orion Pax and I’m going to do a flip.
Megatron raises his fusion cannon and aims at an imaginary Orion Pax.
MEGATRON: Flip flip flip—Pow!
He pretends to shoot.
STARSCREAM: Pow! Ha ha ha ha—
Starscream passes out.
Optimus Prime and Megatron look at Starscream.
MEGATRON: I guess it’s just you and me now, Prime.
OPTIMUS PRIME: What about him?
He gestures at Soundwave, who is sitting on the desert floor looking very sober amid a slew of wasted Decepticons.
MEGATRON: Oh, he’s the designated guard. He can’t have anything.
SOUNDWAVE: It’s not fair.
MEGATRON: Oh quit complaining.
Megatron takes a swig and then pauses.
MEGATRON: Hey, wait. I know something you can do, Soundwave.
Soundwave waits morosely.
MEGATRON: I just had the greatest idea.
SOUNDWAVE: Yes, mighty Megatron.
MEGATRON: No, really, this is killer. I amaze myself sometimes.
SOUNDWAVE: Yes, mighty Megatron.
MEGATRON: Soundwave, I want you to play all the surveillance tapes we’ve ever recorded. Our own stuff and the stuff from Autobot Headquarters.
OPTIMUS PRIME: What stuff from Autobot Headquarters?
MEGATRON: Oh, come on. You know we watch everything that goes on in there.
OPTIMUS PRIME: You never.
MEGATRON: Most of it’s pretty boring. Like, when Ironhide is on guard duty? All he ever does is watch Lifetime.
OPTIMUS PRIME: You’re lying.
MEGATRON: Seriously. Over and over. Lifetime Original Movies.
OPTIMUS PRIME: He watches ESPN.
MEGATRON: That’s just a front. He turns on sports whenever you walk in.
SOUNDWAVE: What are your instructions, mighty Megatron.
MEGATRON: Although “The Golden Girls” is pretty good.
OPTIMUS PRIME: I have to admit I like Blanche.
MEGATRON: No way. But Sophia, now she kicks ass.
Soundwave sighs hopelessly.
MEGATRON: Oh yeah. Soundwave. We’re going to listen to the tapes, OK? And when Prime says … when he says …
He turns to Optimus Prime.
MEGATRON: What’s that thing you say all the time?
OPTIMUS PRIME: I’m not sure what you mean.
MEGATRON: Come on. “Autobots transform and—” something.
OPTIMUS PRIME: “Roll out.”
MEGATRON: That’s it. When he says, “Autobots transform and roll out,” he has to take a drink.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Well then you have to have a thing, too.
MEGATRON: I don’t have to have a thing.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Yes you do. Oh, I know. “Decepticons, retreat!”
MEGATRON: That’s not funny.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Whenever you say “Decepticons, retreat!” you have to take a drink.
MEGATRON: Shut up.
OPTIMUS PRIME: You are so busted!
Optimus Prime laughs like crazy.
MEGATRON: Fine! Then when you say … I don’t know … whenever you say “Teletraan I,” you have to take a drink.
OPTIMUS PRIME: OK, then when you say something about the space bridge, then you have to take a drink.
MEGATRON: OK, then when you say—
SOUNDWAVE: Megatron.
MEGATRON: What?
SOUNDWAVE: I am having a slight difficulty implementing your plan.
MEGATRON: What do you mean? It’s a great plan.
SOUNDWAVE: Indeed, mighty Megatron. But my cassette minions are … indisposed.
Soundwave points to Rumble, Buzzsaw and Laserbeak, who are sprawled out on the desert floor.
MEGATRON: What about Frenzy?
SOUNDWAVE: He’s not here.
MEGATRON: Then what about Ravage?
They look around and spy Ravage stumbling in circles.
SOUNDWAVE: Well, I’ll see what I can do. Ravage, transform. Operation … uh …
MEGATRON: Operation Prime is an asshole.
Optimus Prime and Megatron both laugh like crazy.
SOUNDWAVE: Ravage. Transform. Please.
After a few tries, Ravage manages to transform. Soundwave puts him in the tape deck.
SOUNDWAVE: Play surveillance record number 001.
Much later …
Megatron and Optimus Prime are slumped on the ground. The piles of empty energon cubes have grown high.
MEGATRON (on the tape): Activate the space bridge.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Chug!
Megatron chugs. The tape rolls. On the recording, Megatron is talking to Shockwave.
OPTIMUS PRIME: What if it was like, you’re on Cybertron, right? And you go, “Here, Shockwave. Have an energon cube.”
MEGATRON: Have an energon cube.
They both sound plastered.
OPTIMUS PRIME: And then Shockwave is all like, “Thanks, Megatron.” And he goes to drink it.
MEGATRON: Huh.
OPTIMUS PRIME: But then he’s like, “Wait a minute. I don’t even have a mouth!”
MEGATRON: Ha!
OPTIMUS PRIME: “I guess I better drink through my eye!”
OPTIMUS PRIME (on the tape): We’ll have to consult Teletraan I.
MEGATRON: Chug!
Optimus Prime chugs.
MEGATRON: You don’t have a mouth either.
OPTIMUS PRIME: That isn’t stopping me any.
MEGATRON (on the tape): Excellent, Scrapper!
OPTIMUS PRIME: That’s another one of your things.
MEGATRON: Another what of what things.
OPTIMUS PRIME: You should, you should, whenever you say “Excellent” you should have to chug.
MEGATRON: You can’t just change the rules.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Yes I can.
MEGATRON: No. Because then I’ll have more things than you.
Optimus Prime ponders this for a little while.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Then we’ll make it a thing. Like in Pictionary. You know.
MEGATRON: All-Play.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Yeah.
MEGATRON: OK.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Whenever you say “Excellent” we both have to chug.
MEGATRON: OK.
The tape rolls on. They are quiet for a couple minutes.
MEGATRON: But what about the ones I already said?
OPTIMUS PRIME: What?
MEGATRON: I might have already said “Excellent” a hundred times. But we weren’t listening for it.
OPTIMUS PRIME: We’ll have to do it all over again.
MEGATRON: Soundwave!
SOUNDWAVE: Yes Megatron.
MEGATRON: Rewind the tape. All the way back to the beginning.
SOUNDWAVE: Yes Megatron.
Soundwave doesn’t do anything. The tape rolls on.
MEGATRON (on the tape): Excellent, Laserbeak!
MEGATRON and OPTIMUS PRIME: Chug!
They both chug. Then they both pass out.
The next morning …
Optimus Prime and Megatron lie sprawled on the ground. Megatron groans. Optimus Prime groans. They both wake up and look at each other.
MEGATRON: Do you remember who won?
OPTIMUS PRIME: Maybe Soundwave does.
They look at the desert floor. Soundwave is sprawled on the ground surrounded by empty energon cubes.
MEGATRON: I guess he figured what the hell.
There is an awkward silence.
MEGATRON: We shall not speak of this, Prime.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Agreed, Megatron.
MEGATRON: Your troops will be looking for you.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Perhaps. I think Ironhide is on guard duty.
MEGATRON: In that case, you’d better hurry.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Why?
MEGATRON: Because “The Golden Girls” comes on in 45 minutes.
THE END
Megatron and Optimus Prime in:
THE DRINKING CONTEST
The Decepticons are sitting in the desert, holding energon cubes. A full moon rises in the night sky.
MEGATRON: Decepticons, a toast. To the imminent destruction of the accursed Autobots.
DECEPTIONS: Hear, hear!
MEGATRON: My ultra-powerful new weapon will soon blast them into oblivion.
They drink. Suddenly, headlights appear out of the darkness. In the moonlight we can see the form of a tractor-trailer.
MEGATRON: It can’t be …
The shadow transforms.
OPTIMUS PRIME: I can tell you’re up to no good, Megatron.
MEGATRON: Prime!
OPTIMUS PRIME: Whatever you’re plotting, I’ll put a stop to it.
MEGATRON: I don’t think so.
Optimus Prime looks around. All the Decepticons are pointing guns at his head.
MEGATRON: We’re going to end this once and for all, Prime.
He hands Optimus Prime an energon cube.
MEGATRON: I challenge you to a drinking contest.
OPTIMUS PRIME: What makes you think I’d accept, Megatron?
MEGATRON: Ancient Law of Cybertron Number 46.
A hush falls on the Decepticons.
OPTIMUS PRIME: I had forgotten all about Ancient Law of Cybertron Number 46. I have no choice but to accept.
MEGATRON: The first one to fall must leave the Earth forever.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Very well. But you’re no match for my strength.
MEGATRON: We shall see about that.
Later …
Megatron and Optimus Prime are sitting on the ground. Each is surrounded by several empty energon cubes.
OPTIMUS PRIME: They used to call me Orion the Kegmeister. Orion Kegs.
MEGATRON: They did not.
They both sound quite tipsy.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Uh-huh.
He takes a swig.
MEGATRON: Oooh, look at me, I’m Orion Pax. Watch me run away from Megatron.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Shut up.
Starscream starts to laugh drunkenly.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Shut up!
MEGATRON: Look at me, I’m Orion Pax and I’m going to do a flip.
Megatron raises his fusion cannon and aims at an imaginary Orion Pax.
MEGATRON: Flip flip flip—Pow!
He pretends to shoot.
STARSCREAM: Pow! Ha ha ha ha—
Starscream passes out.
Optimus Prime and Megatron look at Starscream.
MEGATRON: I guess it’s just you and me now, Prime.
OPTIMUS PRIME: What about him?
He gestures at Soundwave, who is sitting on the desert floor looking very sober amid a slew of wasted Decepticons.
MEGATRON: Oh, he’s the designated guard. He can’t have anything.
SOUNDWAVE: It’s not fair.
MEGATRON: Oh quit complaining.
Megatron takes a swig and then pauses.
MEGATRON: Hey, wait. I know something you can do, Soundwave.
Soundwave waits morosely.
MEGATRON: I just had the greatest idea.
SOUNDWAVE: Yes, mighty Megatron.
MEGATRON: No, really, this is killer. I amaze myself sometimes.
SOUNDWAVE: Yes, mighty Megatron.
MEGATRON: Soundwave, I want you to play all the surveillance tapes we’ve ever recorded. Our own stuff and the stuff from Autobot Headquarters.
OPTIMUS PRIME: What stuff from Autobot Headquarters?
MEGATRON: Oh, come on. You know we watch everything that goes on in there.
OPTIMUS PRIME: You never.
MEGATRON: Most of it’s pretty boring. Like, when Ironhide is on guard duty? All he ever does is watch Lifetime.
OPTIMUS PRIME: You’re lying.
MEGATRON: Seriously. Over and over. Lifetime Original Movies.
OPTIMUS PRIME: He watches ESPN.
MEGATRON: That’s just a front. He turns on sports whenever you walk in.
SOUNDWAVE: What are your instructions, mighty Megatron.
MEGATRON: Although “The Golden Girls” is pretty good.
OPTIMUS PRIME: I have to admit I like Blanche.
MEGATRON: No way. But Sophia, now she kicks ass.
Soundwave sighs hopelessly.
MEGATRON: Oh yeah. Soundwave. We’re going to listen to the tapes, OK? And when Prime says … when he says …
He turns to Optimus Prime.
MEGATRON: What’s that thing you say all the time?
OPTIMUS PRIME: I’m not sure what you mean.
MEGATRON: Come on. “Autobots transform and—” something.
OPTIMUS PRIME: “Roll out.”
MEGATRON: That’s it. When he says, “Autobots transform and roll out,” he has to take a drink.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Well then you have to have a thing, too.
MEGATRON: I don’t have to have a thing.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Yes you do. Oh, I know. “Decepticons, retreat!”
MEGATRON: That’s not funny.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Whenever you say “Decepticons, retreat!” you have to take a drink.
MEGATRON: Shut up.
OPTIMUS PRIME: You are so busted!
Optimus Prime laughs like crazy.
MEGATRON: Fine! Then when you say … I don’t know … whenever you say “Teletraan I,” you have to take a drink.
OPTIMUS PRIME: OK, then when you say something about the space bridge, then you have to take a drink.
MEGATRON: OK, then when you say—
SOUNDWAVE: Megatron.
MEGATRON: What?
SOUNDWAVE: I am having a slight difficulty implementing your plan.
MEGATRON: What do you mean? It’s a great plan.
SOUNDWAVE: Indeed, mighty Megatron. But my cassette minions are … indisposed.
Soundwave points to Rumble, Buzzsaw and Laserbeak, who are sprawled out on the desert floor.
MEGATRON: What about Frenzy?
SOUNDWAVE: He’s not here.
MEGATRON: Then what about Ravage?
They look around and spy Ravage stumbling in circles.
SOUNDWAVE: Well, I’ll see what I can do. Ravage, transform. Operation … uh …
MEGATRON: Operation Prime is an asshole.
Optimus Prime and Megatron both laugh like crazy.
SOUNDWAVE: Ravage. Transform. Please.
After a few tries, Ravage manages to transform. Soundwave puts him in the tape deck.
SOUNDWAVE: Play surveillance record number 001.
Much later …
Megatron and Optimus Prime are slumped on the ground. The piles of empty energon cubes have grown high.
MEGATRON (on the tape): Activate the space bridge.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Chug!
Megatron chugs. The tape rolls. On the recording, Megatron is talking to Shockwave.
OPTIMUS PRIME: What if it was like, you’re on Cybertron, right? And you go, “Here, Shockwave. Have an energon cube.”
MEGATRON: Have an energon cube.
They both sound plastered.
OPTIMUS PRIME: And then Shockwave is all like, “Thanks, Megatron.” And he goes to drink it.
MEGATRON: Huh.
OPTIMUS PRIME: But then he’s like, “Wait a minute. I don’t even have a mouth!”
MEGATRON: Ha!
OPTIMUS PRIME: “I guess I better drink through my eye!”
OPTIMUS PRIME (on the tape): We’ll have to consult Teletraan I.
MEGATRON: Chug!
Optimus Prime chugs.
MEGATRON: You don’t have a mouth either.
OPTIMUS PRIME: That isn’t stopping me any.
MEGATRON (on the tape): Excellent, Scrapper!
OPTIMUS PRIME: That’s another one of your things.
MEGATRON: Another what of what things.
OPTIMUS PRIME: You should, you should, whenever you say “Excellent” you should have to chug.
MEGATRON: You can’t just change the rules.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Yes I can.
MEGATRON: No. Because then I’ll have more things than you.
Optimus Prime ponders this for a little while.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Then we’ll make it a thing. Like in Pictionary. You know.
MEGATRON: All-Play.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Yeah.
MEGATRON: OK.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Whenever you say “Excellent” we both have to chug.
MEGATRON: OK.
The tape rolls on. They are quiet for a couple minutes.
MEGATRON: But what about the ones I already said?
OPTIMUS PRIME: What?
MEGATRON: I might have already said “Excellent” a hundred times. But we weren’t listening for it.
OPTIMUS PRIME: We’ll have to do it all over again.
MEGATRON: Soundwave!
SOUNDWAVE: Yes Megatron.
MEGATRON: Rewind the tape. All the way back to the beginning.
SOUNDWAVE: Yes Megatron.
Soundwave doesn’t do anything. The tape rolls on.
MEGATRON (on the tape): Excellent, Laserbeak!
MEGATRON and OPTIMUS PRIME: Chug!
They both chug. Then they both pass out.
The next morning …
Optimus Prime and Megatron lie sprawled on the ground. Megatron groans. Optimus Prime groans. They both wake up and look at each other.
MEGATRON: Do you remember who won?
OPTIMUS PRIME: Maybe Soundwave does.
They look at the desert floor. Soundwave is sprawled on the ground surrounded by empty energon cubes.
MEGATRON: I guess he figured what the hell.
There is an awkward silence.
MEGATRON: We shall not speak of this, Prime.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Agreed, Megatron.
MEGATRON: Your troops will be looking for you.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Perhaps. I think Ironhide is on guard duty.
MEGATRON: In that case, you’d better hurry.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Why?
MEGATRON: Because “The Golden Girls” comes on in 45 minutes.
THE END
Megatron and Optimus Prime in:
THE DRINKING CONTEST
The Decepticons are sitting in the desert, holding energon cubes. A full moon rises in the night sky.
MEGATRON: Decepticons, a toast. To the imminent destruction of the accursed Autobots.
DECEPTIONS: Hear, hear!
MEGATRON: My ultra-powerful new weapon will soon blast them into oblivion.
They drink. Suddenly, headlights appear out of the darkness. In the moonlight we can see the form of a tractor-trailer.
MEGATRON: It can’t be …
The shadow transforms.
OPTIMUS PRIME: I can tell you’re up to no good, Megatron.
MEGATRON: Prime!
OPTIMUS PRIME: Whatever you’re plotting, I’ll put a stop to it.
MEGATRON: I don’t think so.
Optimus Prime looks around. All the Decepticons are pointing guns at his head.
MEGATRON: We’re going to end this once and for all, Prime.
He hands Optimus Prime an energon cube.
MEGATRON: I challenge you to a drinking contest.
OPTIMUS PRIME: What makes you think I’d accept, Megatron?
MEGATRON: Ancient Law of Cybertron Number 46.
A hush falls on the Decepticons.
OPTIMUS PRIME: I had forgotten all about Ancient Law of Cybertron Number 46. I have no choice but to accept.
MEGATRON: The first one to fall must leave the Earth forever.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Very well. But you’re no match for my strength.
MEGATRON: We shall see about that.
Later …
Megatron and Optimus Prime are sitting on the ground. Each is surrounded by several empty energon cubes.
OPTIMUS PRIME: They used to call me Orion the Kegmeister. Orion Kegs.
MEGATRON: They did not.
They both sound quite tipsy.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Uh-huh.
He takes a swig.
MEGATRON: Oooh, look at me, I’m Orion Pax. Watch me run away from Megatron.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Shut up.
Starscream starts to laugh drunkenly.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Shut up!
MEGATRON: Look at me, I’m Orion Pax and I’m going to do a flip.
Megatron raises his fusion cannon and aims at an imaginary Orion Pax.
MEGATRON: Flip flip flip—Pow!
He pretends to shoot.
STARSCREAM: Pow! Ha ha ha ha—
Starscream passes out.
Optimus Prime and Megatron look at Starscream.
MEGATRON: I guess it’s just you and me now, Prime.
OPTIMUS PRIME: What about him?
He gestures at Soundwave, who is sitting on the desert floor looking very sober amid a slew of wasted Decepticons.
MEGATRON: Oh, he’s the designated guard. He can’t have anything.
SOUNDWAVE: It’s not fair.
MEGATRON: Oh quit complaining.
Megatron takes a swig and then pauses.
MEGATRON: Hey, wait. I know something you can do, Soundwave.
Soundwave waits morosely.
MEGATRON: I just had the greatest idea.
SOUNDWAVE: Yes, mighty Megatron.
MEGATRON: No, really, this is killer. I amaze myself sometimes.
SOUNDWAVE: Yes, mighty Megatron.
MEGATRON: Soundwave, I want you to play all the surveillance tapes we’ve ever recorded. Our own stuff and the stuff from Autobot Headquarters.
OPTIMUS PRIME: What stuff from Autobot Headquarters?
MEGATRON: Oh, come on. You know we watch everything that goes on in there.
OPTIMUS PRIME: You never.
MEGATRON: Most of it’s pretty boring. Like, when Ironhide is on guard duty? All he ever does is watch Lifetime.
OPTIMUS PRIME: You’re lying.
MEGATRON: Seriously. Over and over. Lifetime Original Movies.
OPTIMUS PRIME: He watches ESPN.
MEGATRON: That’s just a front. He turns on sports whenever you walk in.
SOUNDWAVE: What are your instructions, mighty Megatron.
MEGATRON: Although “The Golden Girls” is pretty good.
OPTIMUS PRIME: I have to admit I like Blanche.
MEGATRON: No way. But Sophia, now she kicks ass.
Soundwave sighs hopelessly.
MEGATRON: Oh yeah. Soundwave. We’re going to listen to the tapes, OK? And when Prime says … when he says …
He turns to Optimus Prime.
MEGATRON: What’s that thing you say all the time?
OPTIMUS PRIME: I’m not sure what you mean.
MEGATRON: Come on. “Autobots transform and—” something.
OPTIMUS PRIME: “Roll out.”
MEGATRON: That’s it. When he says, “Autobots transform and roll out,” he has to take a drink.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Well then you have to have a thing, too.
MEGATRON: I don’t have to have a thing.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Yes you do. Oh, I know. “Decepticons, retreat!”
MEGATRON: That’s not funny.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Whenever you say “Decepticons, retreat!” you have to take a drink.
MEGATRON: Shut up.
OPTIMUS PRIME: You are so busted!
Optimus Prime laughs like crazy.
MEGATRON: Fine! Then when you say … I don’t know … whenever you say “Teletraan I,” you have to take a drink.
OPTIMUS PRIME: OK, then when you say something about the space bridge, then you have to take a drink.
MEGATRON: OK, then when you say—
SOUNDWAVE: Megatron.
MEGATRON: What?
SOUNDWAVE: I am having a slight difficulty implementing your plan.
MEGATRON: What do you mean? It’s a great plan.
SOUNDWAVE: Indeed, mighty Megatron. But my cassette minions are … indisposed.
Soundwave points to Rumble, Buzzsaw and Laserbeak, who are sprawled out on the desert floor.
MEGATRON: What about Frenzy?
SOUNDWAVE: He’s not here.
MEGATRON: Then what about Ravage?
They look around and spy Ravage stumbling in circles.
SOUNDWAVE: Well, I’ll see what I can do. Ravage, transform. Operation … uh …
MEGATRON: Operation Prime is an asshole.
Optimus Prime and Megatron both laugh like crazy.
SOUNDWAVE: Ravage. Transform. Please.
After a few tries, Ravage manages to transform. Soundwave puts him in the tape deck.
SOUNDWAVE: Play surveillance record number 001.
Much later …
Megatron and Optimus Prime are slumped on the ground. The piles of empty energon cubes have grown high.
MEGATRON (on the tape): Activate the space bridge.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Chug!
Megatron chugs. The tape rolls. On the recording, Megatron is talking to Shockwave.
OPTIMUS PRIME: What if it was like, you’re on Cybertron, right? And you go, “Here, Shockwave. Have an energon cube.”
MEGATRON: Have an energon cube.
They both sound plastered.
OPTIMUS PRIME: And then Shockwave is all like, “Thanks, Megatron.” And he goes to drink it.
MEGATRON: Huh.
OPTIMUS PRIME: But then he’s like, “Wait a minute. I don’t even have a mouth!”
MEGATRON: Ha!
OPTIMUS PRIME: “I guess I better drink through my eye!”
OPTIMUS PRIME (on the tape): We’ll have to consult Teletraan I.
MEGATRON: Chug!
Optimus Prime chugs.
MEGATRON: You don’t have a mouth either.
OPTIMUS PRIME: That isn’t stopping me any.
MEGATRON (on the tape): Excellent, Scrapper!
OPTIMUS PRIME: That’s another one of your things.
MEGATRON: Another what of what things.
OPTIMUS PRIME: You should, you should, whenever you say “Excellent” you should have to chug.
MEGATRON: You can’t just change the rules.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Yes I can.
MEGATRON: No. Because then I’ll have more things than you.
Optimus Prime ponders this for a little while.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Then we’ll make it a thing. Like in Pictionary. You know.
MEGATRON: All-Play.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Yeah.
MEGATRON: OK.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Whenever you say “Excellent” we both have to chug.
MEGATRON: OK.
The tape rolls on. They are quiet for a couple minutes.
MEGATRON: But what about the ones I already said?
OPTIMUS PRIME: What?
MEGATRON: I might have already said “Excellent” a hundred times. But we weren’t listening for it.
OPTIMUS PRIME: We’ll have to do it all over again.
MEGATRON: Soundwave!
SOUNDWAVE: Yes Megatron.
MEGATRON: Rewind the tape. All the way back to the beginning.
SOUNDWAVE: Yes Megatron.
Soundwave doesn’t do anything. The tape rolls on.
MEGATRON (on the tape): Excellent, Laserbeak!
MEGATRON and OPTIMUS PRIME: Chug!
They both chug. Then they both pass out.
The next morning …
Optimus Prime and Megatron lie sprawled on the ground. Megatron groans. Optimus Prime groans. They both wake up and look at each other.
MEGATRON: Do you remember who won?
OPTIMUS PRIME: Maybe Soundwave does.
They look at the desert floor. Soundwave is sprawled on the ground surrounded by empty energon cubes.
MEGATRON: I guess he figured what the hell.
There is an awkward silence.
MEGATRON: We shall not speak of this, Prime.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Agreed, Megatron.
MEGATRON: Your troops will be looking for you.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Perhaps. I think Ironhide is on guard duty.
MEGATRON: In that case, you’d better hurry.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Why?
MEGATRON: Because “The Golden Girls” comes on in 45 minutes.
THE END
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