Reporting from Hell's Front Line
This is Kamjiin, HMW: Frontline's War Correspondant, reporting to you from the front lines of the Great War. We hope you enjoy this issue. Today we had an opportunity for a quiet discussion with Windracer of Maximal Deathsquad.
Kamjiin: Where's Windracer?
Thrush: She appears to have escaped, sir.
Kamjiin: Escaped?!? What do you mean escaped? You stupid, lazy, incompetent pred...
Psychout: Excuse me, I was wondering if you could run this adddd...
Kamjiin: **picks up Psychout and tosses him into the chair** We're talking today with Psychout M.D. of WarPorn Industries. Thank you for joining us today, Psychout. And might I say, congratulations on your recent Doctorate.
Psychout: Thanks, Tammuz said I was his best student after Erica. It was hard work, but my vast experience in ways to kneecap Autobots certainly helped.
Kamjiin: Was Tammuz a difficult master to train under? I've heard he can be, well, kind of fruity.
Psychout: Kind of fleshy. He's the only 'con I've seen that is shorter than me.
Kamjiin: Is it true you overslept the day the Nemesis left Cybertron to persue the Ark?
Psychout: Um, yeah. Mal Practice and I had been out the night before at Chromia's hot wax and strip club and we blew a years worth of energon in one night. Mal woke up in Nova Cronium having re-sprayed himself to look like the A-team van and I woke in a car surrounded by bats.
Reflector was sent in my place, but wasn't very happy. My seat wasn't made for 3 afts, and he tried to have me killed. So I legged it, broke into Darkmount, nicked bunch of his prototypes and used them in the Great War.
Kamjiin: Tell us about Weapon of the Week™ #12045.
Psychout: The particle beam cannon matrix based on fertilizer and lemon juice? I'm sure it would have worked perfectly, but it made a better radio. I really just needed to tune out the voices in my head. Weapon #4821 was better, that actually fired organic livestock. Messy but entertaining.
Kamjiin: The humans used to hurl cows from catapults during a seige to spread plague among the enemy. Their medieval forms of combat were quite effective, unlike the joke of a military they use against us. Are you familiar at all with those ancient human combat rituals?
Psychout: Quite a few. I prefer to use a hand to hand combat techniques as opposed to explosive based warfare and there are many lessons in savagery to be learnt from the fleshlings if they are analysed correctly.
Kamjiin: Some claim you are the power behind the power in the RDD. Still others claim that you are a sneaking coward, possesed of a total lack of combat abilities, pathetically weak strength, utter lack of endurance and a bizarre effective disorder involving crabs. How do you respond to these claims?
Psychout: You forgot Lazy. Dynamax is the power behind the RDD. Even out of the public eye his command keeps us going and will continue to do so.
Kamjiin: Ever thought about coming out of the shadows, and taking a larger role in the Decepticon Command structure?
Psychout: Why stand on stage when you can direct from the wings? There are others far better suited to fronting the faction's legions in battle than I, but I will be stepping up to do my part in ensuring the continued dominance of the Decepticons; of that all Cybertronians can be certain.
Kamjiin: Tell us a little about Necronomitron.
Psychout: Can you explain the nature of balance? Cybertron can only sustain so much life before it is exhausted. My Master kept that balance for millennia; for every new spark created, one was consumed and thus the balance was maintained. The War has tipped the balance towards death and his power grew to such a level that he became too fond of the power and Cybertron itself imprisoned it where it could...
...no more harm.
I have discovered this entity, and shall harness its power to enslav... ensure the Decepticon conquest of Cybertron. If it doesn't eat through my databanks first.
Kamjiin: You don't think that might be the tiniest bit dangerous?
Psychout: Meh, what else are infinitely powerful cosmic forces for? To be harnessed and used for evil!
Kamjiin: As it bears on this issue, tell us a little about Nemesis Wheelie.
Psychout: The anti-Wheelie? He's the cleaner. Mal's recent experiments with technorganic viruses leave quite a mess, and we're not too bothered if he gets infected. The Autbot's Wheelie had better be looking over his shoulder though, his doom is hunting him.
Kamjiin: Anything you'd care to tell the new recruits out there?
Psychout: Cassettes get underestimated even more than Grimlock.
Cassettes are the shadow warriors of the Decepticons, you don't see us unless we want you to.
Oh, and formatted correctly, Cassettes are unstoppable bi-ped blenders.
Kamjiin: Thank you once again for joining us, Psychout. And if you see Windracer on your way out, please inform the guards so they can return her to her cell. Say is that a crabperson I see out there...
Psychout: Blast IT!!!
Kill them all!
Let's get some perspective on what things look like in the field right now:
Anonymous Maximal 32: "I've done it! I infiltrated the Predacon base and stole a top secret data disc from them. Galvatron Primal will surely promote me to General when he sees this juicy intel!"
Anonymous Predacon 14: "We've been infiltrated! Our archives have been compromised. Any word on what they took?"
Anonymous Predacon 13: "Looks like all they got was the recording of that prisoner spilling his guts. They totally ignored the file containing my master plan for total domination of Cybertron!"
In other news today, The Autobots unofficial mascot, Wheelie, is still missing. Certain anonymous members of the Autobot faction have offered a sizeable reward to anyone willing to destroy him?!?
According to the newsscrolls in the archives, the Decepticons are winning in the field and in the pits. Why...
Editorial
One has to wonder about the Autobots these days. They've gone from heroes to chumpbags in record time. What precipitated this meteoric fall from grace? Let's take a look at today's Autobots.
Courage- The Autobots used to embody this virtue. Today, most would rather fight for personal glory in the pits than for the rights of all sentient beings.
Integrity- After selecting a known and admitted War Criminal as Prime, how can they possess any.
Loyalty- Gone. Those that haven’t defected to the other three factions have placed bounties on loyal Autobots who embody all the virtues they once espoused.
Fairness- Abandoned. When they aren't skulking in the pits, they rely on strength of numbers over tactical prowess and strength of conviction.
Justice- An outmoded concept to these spineless anachronisms who've allowed rot and decay to fester in their sparks.
What has happened to the heroes that once walked this world? An enemy we can feel proud to shoot in the back, hold hostage, use as cover or detain for merciless, meaningless torture! Doubtless we have captured or killed that rare breed.
So, dear readers, I pose these questions. To the Decepticons and the Predacons: Are the Autobots even viable as a faction anymore?
To the Autobots and Maximals: Is there any transformer among you gutless cowards with the spark of a real hero?
I think we already know the answer to both!
Classifieds
Notice: Attention all Maximals!!! It is another chance for your voice to be heard. We are working on our constitution and want your input please. For it to be the best it can be, we need EVERYONE'S input and not just a few. Please go check the Maximal forums and if you can't, PM me for a copy of the constitution.
Notice: Attention all Predacons! Report to the Tri-predacus Council Chambers at once!!
Tammuz wrote:
I've got Four PPFs for sale. One owner. Excellent Condition. Used once on a little old lady.
Want to dominate? Go Con or be dominated!
An urgent bulletin from Professor Mal Practice of WarPorn Industries:
"Followers of the Decepticon way, we bring you a message of grave concern; Our planet has been infected by the Bestia virus.
Research indicates that within the last few solar cycles, carbon based tumours have begun to infect cybertronians and are spreading rapidly accross the face of the globe. Intitial indications of infection are organic rashes developing on the exterior shell of the patient, spreading slowly to the spark and eventually encompassing the entire mechanoid in a shell that is thin and organic in nature, not unlike the composition of the many various fleshling species on Sol 3. This infestation of the Cybertronian eco-system has been blamed entirely on the Autobots for introducing these disgusting creatures to our home and allowing them to roam unchecked, we all knew they'd kill the planet eventually.
The sufferers of this affliction are usually under the delusion that they are an 'advanced' form of life and that this is an 'evolutionary stage' in the transformer race, but this contradicts any form of common sense and has been discreditied as 'utter bollocks' by anyone who pays the slightest bit of attention to the time stream. Secondary symptoms also include a reduction in overall mass to the size of a large footprint and fleas.
Currently, those infected have been rounded up and placed in quarantine 'factions' for purging, but symptoms have been reported outside of these Death camps from an increasing number of regions and current calcualtions estimate we may only have weeks left.
There is no known cure for this affliction as we are so far unable to purge the infected curcuits of the disease and so enforced euthanasia is to be employed as a preventative measure for those showing signs of fungal growth and apprehension around vets with rubber bands.
More information will be released as we get it, but until then, please be sure that you wipe the infected fluids off your hands and weapons carefully after any contact with the Maximals or Predacons. In fact, a full oil bath is recommended to be on the safe side. Further information will be collected and made available in Darkmount.
You have been warned!!"
Today we'd like to close with this public service message brought to you by our proud sponsors:
"This week, we'd like to take a moment to talk about knock-offs. Most of you know them, but here are a few examples for the uneducated. Learn to know which is which. That knowledge could save your life one day.
The following transformers are real: Starscream, Optimus Prime, Grimlock
The following Transformers are KO's: Starscream., 0PTIMUS PRIME, Grimlocke, and let's not forget the original KO's, the Gobots!
One can tell a knock-off by it's incorrect weapons, shoddy accessories or dead wrong paint job. Never, ever use Retractable Mecha-Fangs on a knock-off! Their paint can be tainted with lead, date-rape drugs or worse! So avoid KO's at all cost. The life you save could be your own.
Do your part to destroy all Knock-Offs! Visit your nearest Predacon Army Recruiting Office and learn more TODAY!"
Thank you for choosing HMW: Frontline. We hope you enjoyed this issue. Please join us for our next week. I'm Kamjiin, your Frontline War Correspondant, dedicated to reporting Honest and Accurate stories from the front lines of the Great War.
Staff: Kamjiin- Correspondant/ Editor, MamaKitty- Proofreader, Grimsqueaker- Photographer, Tammuz- Columnist
Contributors: Psychout, sumowrestler, Edgecrusher, Deadpool., Psychout
Back Issues Available here: #1, #2, #3,#4, #5, #6, #7
In the Next Issue of HMW: Frontline, Edgecrusher! PWNing UR NOOBZ since 2003...
