The Energon Pub

No, it's the barrel. Check TFwiki.net if you don't believe me.

http://www.toplessrobot.com/2011/03/the_9_oddest_things_g1_transformers_transformed_in.php

Ffffffffffffffff

(and despite the name, that link should be SFW)

Diem wrote:

Samsonator wrote:

Diem wrote:

ZeldaTheSwordsman wrote:Will Microphone Megatron (WORST. FIGURE. EVER.) be on the list?

Wait, what?

If it's the one I'm thinking of: A toy of Megatron's gun mode that worked as a wireless microphone. It was operated by pointing the gun at your mouth and speaking into the barrel... Because what harm could come from pointing a gun at your own face?

I believe you speak into the back of the scope. Which is more secret agent-y and less mistaken-for-suicide-y.

WANT!

ZeldaTheSwordsman wrote:No, it's the barrel. Check TFwiki.net if you don't believe me.

Incorrect, the microphone is at the back of the scope attachment point.

Oh, and don't believe everything you read on TFwiki...

Okay, I think Japan is sufficiently recovered for me to gently make fun of its toys again.

The year is 200something. The Japanese, having tired of their serious attempts to produce actual working walking talking killing robots going awry, decided to apply their own brand of logic to the Transformers franchise. This resulted in the "***** Label" series which included Music Label, Device Label, Disney Label and Lolwut Label.

The first entry if I remember correctly (and I don't) was Music Label Soundwave. Not only was this the highly-posable, roughly Deluxe-sized Soundwave your wallet had been dreading but it was a more-or-less functional MP3 player too. So just to get that straight, it's a Soundwave figure that turns into both what looks like a tape player and what actually IS an MP3 player. It's the perfect figure for those who collect G1, those who enjoy meta, and those who have been trying to convince their wives and girlfriends that after all they've wanted an MP3 player this whole time and this is the perfect opportunity to get one and hey it's okay that it costs as much as an iPod 1/5th the size and 10x the memory and maybe I won't take it off the shelf and oh god please give me back my credit card.



Redeemable for one romantic dinner or pretty necklace.

Music Label Soundwave was available in Logical Blue, Understandable Black and Seriously Wait What White. In addition Rumble and Frenzy were available as awkward but oddly cute headphones.


Because when you're peeing on tradition's cornflakes you may as well poop on his French toast too.

So far, so not too insane.


Convoy, really? Can you not go five minutes without selling out?

After that the Label line alternated fiercely between making sense and underwear-in-the-air insanity.


Average contents: 10 remixes of The Touch

Jaguar (Ravage) as a flash drive? That is actually incredibly appropriate and a suitable upgrade for the new century.


And sure, Tigatron too. Why not?

Excuse me, I'm waiting for the money shot here. I thought this was supposed to be Weird figures, not faintly justifiable figures!

Look, you're supposed to ask questions. Keep with the program. Anyway, you can always rely on the Japanese to up the weirdness dosage.


"It's like all of my life everyone has always told me 'You're a shoe. You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe.' And then today I just stopped and said what if I don't want to be a shoe. What if I want to be a purse, you know, or a hat...No, I don't want you to buy me a hat. I'm saying that I am a hat. It's a metaphor, daddy!"



"April fools guys! I can't believe you fell for that stupid desi...what? You made it? You sold it?!?"

That's right. The heroic leader of the Autobots, the holder of the Matrix, the King of the Road officially once spent time being a shoe.

#5: Sports Label

I just want to bring this up again, he's a shoe. As part of a deal with Nike (pronounced "nigh-kee") Optimus (pronounced "sell-out") became fitness equipment. And what's worse is that unlike the other **** Labels Sports Label figures aren't even functional. They're tiny, they're made of plastic and (just in case you're a masochistic midget) they don't even come in pairs. What, Huffer had something better to do?

At least this couldn't get any more stupid oh wait no.


Eeeeeeeeevil shoe.

#5: Honourable Weirdness

Sports Label may be the nadir of the **** Label line but there are still more confused faces to be made.


The Trypticon Story: From City To Mouse


For god's sake, Optimus. Keep your bankbook in your pants.

Well that's it for another chapter of weirdness.

Just hang on, Diem. You and your list of weird figures are our last hope. Defend the—defend the— There he is, my little guyyyyy! There he is; my little guy. Isn’t he cute?

Most amusing, sir!

I never understood the shoe thing. That is just silly.

SIEG. Now I feel justified in buying the Sports Label Convoy & Megatron prototypes. Ah, who am I kidding, worst purchase ever.

I love that shoe. Somehow I get more respect from my non-TF collecting friends when I mention that I own a Megatron that doubles as non-functional footwear.

This one stinks...like feet!

There are some strange transformers out there, but these definitely are near the top. "Autobots, transform and...WALK!!!"

RID Bruticus....if it hasn't been already mentioned.

bvzxa wrote:RID Bruticus....if it hasn't been already mentioned.

He's pretty weird but he's not even the weirdest thing in RiD. His boss is a hand.

Diem wrote:

bvzxa wrote:RID Bruticus....if it hasn't been already mentioned.

He's pretty weird but he's not even the weirdest thing in RiD. His boss is a hand.

Hey now! Gigatron may have been an odd fellow, but you've got to hand it to him for his alt modes reallygrabbing you.

and in RiD, the combaticons formed ruination, which is an awesome name.

I cracked up at the "Friends" quote, it was priceless. I could just hear Optimus complaining in Rachael's voice

You forgot one of the weirder Ipod Convoy's there. Hot Convoy Rod.

"You took over my shtick of being the guy with the trailer, I'm taking over your stick of being the Orange guy with flames... hey waitaminit.. where are my flames, I specifically asked Foose for flames."

Keep them coming Diem.

Overcracker wrote:I cracked up at the "Friends" quote. I could just hear Optimus complaining in Rachael's voice

You forgot one of the weirder Ipod Convoy's there. Hot Convoy Rod.

Exile Convoy got a mention back in entry #10. I don't want to start repeating myself. I don't want to start repeating myself.

And that Friends quote is so perfect I can't take credit for choosing it. It's as if destiny itself willed it to be there.

adamassc wrote:

Diem wrote:

bvzxa wrote:RID Bruticus....if it hasn't been already mentioned.

He's pretty weird but he's not even the weirdest thing in RiD. His boss is a hand.

Hey now! Gigatron may have been an odd fellow, but you've got to hand it to him for his alt modes reallygrabbing you.

and in RiD, the combaticons formed ruination, which is an awesome name.

In RiD Bruticus isn't the combination of the Combaticons, he's a totally different three-headed doggy guy.

Exile Convoy got a mention back in entry #10. I don't want to start repeating myself. I don't want to start repeating myself.

I forgot about that.

And that Friends quote is so perfect I can't take credit for choosing it. It's as if destiny itself willed it to be there.

Yeah, it really is too perfect.

Overcracker wrote:Orange guy with flames... hey waitaminit.. where are my flames, I specifically asked Foose for flames."

one point for the unexpected but awesome Chip reference. Give it up for Overhaulin' Prime.

Diem wrote:

adamassc wrote:

Diem wrote:

bvzxa wrote:RID Bruticus....if it hasn't been already mentioned.

He's pretty weird but he's not even the weirdest thing in RiD. His boss is a hand.

Hey now! Gigatron may have been an odd fellow, but you've got to hand it to him for his alt modes reallygrabbing you.

and in RiD, the combaticons formed ruination, which is an awesome name.

In RiD Bruticus isn't the combination of the Combaticons, he's a totally different three-headed doggy guy.

Oppsie, sorry about that. I totally own that figure too. I kinda jumped to conclusions based on previous arguments I've had with people.

adamassc wrote:

Diem wrote:

adamassc wrote:

Diem wrote:

bvzxa wrote:RID Bruticus....if it hasn't been already mentioned.

He's pretty weird but he's not even the weirdest thing in RiD. His boss is a hand.

Hey now! Gigatron may have been an odd fellow, but you've got to hand it to him for his alt modes reallygrabbing you.

and in RiD, the combaticons formed ruination, which is an awesome name.

In RiD Bruticus isn't the combination of the Combaticons, he's a totally different three-headed doggy guy.

Oppsie, sorry about that. I totally own that figure too. I kinda jumped to conclusions based on previous arguments I've had with people.

Haha it's all good. It took me a moment to remember him too.

This is great. Can't wait for the next.

[shamelessplug]If anyone wants to hear more of my insane theories but delivered in my sultry tones I'll be putting in an appearance on Twincast episode 17 (now subscribable from iTunes)[/shamelessplug]

Time for your daily recommended dose of vitamin weird.

The year is 1996. By now the transfans whose first word was "Oppymus" were sliding into their teens and leaving the truly truly outrageous colours of G2 behind and instead taking up the teenage pursuits of ineffectual rebellion, ineffectual seduction of girls and spirited attempts to become giant masses comprised entirely of acne and body hair. These erstwhile transfans were leaving the bright lights of Toys R Us behind them and walking out into the proud new daylight of adulth oh wait no.


With a catchy theme song that you can really sing along to.

After G2 somehow failed despite brave attempts to fit hot pink, olive green and gold plastic onto a single figure Hasbro handed the Transformers name to Kenner and said "We want you to have the same success with this toyline as you did with that other stuff you had success with. We warn you now that your drug budget is unlimited but if you haven't turned the leader of the Autobots into a transforming bat by the end of the year we'll put you back on Polly Pocket."

Through a combination of well-designed, posable figures, tighty-scripted and amusing shows and, I assume, chicken-based sacrifices Beast Wars turned out to be a huge success, especially in hindsight. After the inevitable G1 comparisons BW was able to stand on its own with a new inventive relatable cast and a fine balance of humour and epic storytelling. After creating this unexpected masterpiece it was clear that the only direction Transformers fiction could go from here was up oh wait no.


Ooh, the x2 oh wait no combo.

The sequel to Beast Wars, Beast Machines (Beast...Machines?) was less well received owing to being terrible. The TV show took the characters that had worked so hard to become likable and degenerated them into cowards, gripers and brooders. While the toyline had some gems it also came up with the worst gimmick since Nothingmasters.

You may wish to start humming Oh Fortuna to yourself (for those of a less classical bent, you may want to try the Sephiroth theme instead).

Dum dum dum dum.

Dum dum dum dum.

Dum dum dum DUM DUM dum dum.

Dum dum dum dum.

Dum dum dum dum.

Dum dum dum DUM DUM dum dum.


DUM DUM DUM DUM! DUM DUM DUM DUM! DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM!

#4: That stupid wolf-dragon thing from Beast Machines

It's tough because making fun of Savage Noble is like trying to pee into a tidal wave. He's a werewolf who turns into a dragon (try not to give Stephanie Meyer any ideas). In fact that's not quite true; he's a winged werewolf that turns into a cthonic winged thingy.


Beast Wars! Beast Machines! Beast Beasts!

At least the cartoon didn't try to hide how terrible he was. In the show he was a lumbering beast who turned into an even lumbering-er beast and he didn't eat Nightscream. The toy though was even worse. If you own this figure holy water boils whenever it comes near your toy shelf. If you own this figure it cancels out Fortress Maximus. If you own this figure your descendants can automatically contest the "being of sound mind" part of your will.

#4: Honourable Weirdness


Owlbears: no longer the preserve of Dungeons and Dragons fans.

Okay, that's it for this time. Stay tuned in for the top 3.

It would appear that only Diem can truly think like Diem. For the rest of us, we must now think on our own.

Ah, that's seriously one of the best and most hilarious posts I've read all year! Well played, sir, well played!

And boy, is that Noble Savage ugly! I've never seen him in real life: should really check his gallery out though I guess.

ugh, that thing... it burns! Dear Primus!