The Energon Pub

For some people jnr and snr high can be a minor pain in the ass one must put up with while trying to have a social life on the week and weekend.

For others like Myself it was a literal living hell.

At the time I was 13 years old that year it happened to Me. I don't know why but I just had a very strong hunch that i would turn out to be gay. I supose you could call it a gut instinct on My part at the time.

As it turned out that first day there within my first 5 minutes there I just knew for a fact that I had a so called roving eye for the guys.

Much to My personel shame at the time I just could not control Myself when it came to all the eye candy I saw the other guys as bieng My first day there.


Whenever one of them would catch Me spacing out like that I would just try to explain it away as being a one time thing that happened by accident at the time.

By the time luch came around that first day their was some few rumors going around about Me either being a complete retard, a **** or worse even.

Somehow I just knew that the rest of the day would just get worse for Me from that point on.

I just wanted to close My eyes, keep My mouth shut, mind My own business, dissapear and if at all possible just get home without having to wind up in a body bag along the way.

Last period jym came around and from that point on the rest of the day just literally went to hell for Me in the shower room.

It seemed that for as much as I tried to break Myself of that bad roving eye habit the more temptation and the hormones were determined to trip Me up on the matter.


One of the guys noticed Me sporting an erection while checking out another guys ass.

Words were said with the verbal abuse, accusatins were made with their wanting to haze and physically assualt Me over the matter and from that point on My life literaly went to hell from there.

They ganged up on me, pushed me up against the shower wall.

One of them went and clapped me hard on the ears and started punching, and kicking, and hitting me in the face, the neck, the gut, the nuts.

I tried fighting back at one point only to wind taking a left hook to the face causing me to spin around and slam my forehead into the shower wall behind me.

My feet slipped out from under Me as i fell to my knees on the shower floor with my being spread eagle against the wall as the other guys kept pounding the **** out me at the time.

I was in so much pain at the time that I could not even open My eyes at that point that I jut fell over onto My side curled up on Myself and just literally wanted to die.

I could not see what happend at that point as i began to black out.

All I could hear was someone screaming at them and from the sound of it the guy must have been figting like a feral wild animal that was cornered and fighting for its life

By the time I came too and managed to open My eyes, after my eyes had adjusted to The harsh ceiling light all i could see was some athletic medium built black guy from the african side of the community sitting on the shower floor cross legged and holding Me in his lap even while He held me up through the back supporting Me in boths of His arms and there I was just resting My head on His right shoulder bawling and sobbing like a baby.

The guy was just staying there with me trying to confort me over the matter. From the way he was holding Me and speaking to Me in a gentle and soft manner it was clear to Me that He was genuinely concerned for My well being at the time.

I must have been in there for a good 40 minutes or so just Bawling My eyes out trying to calm down enough to just breath normal like without hyperventilating at the time.

As it turned out the guys name was Dwayne, As to wether or not that was His first or last name He never did say anything to Me either way on the matter.

The guy was 2 years older then me at the time. He was gay, confident and ,secure with Himself on the matter and word in the hallway was if any one tried getting in His face or try picking a fight with him on the matter they would more then likely find thierself laid out flat on the floor with a black eye and a broken bloody nose at worst.

When I asked Him why He stood up for Me at the time He told Me that He had Me pegged for being gay the first moment he saw me in the cafeteria at the time and that someone had to stand up for Me in a unfare fight like that

He explained to Me the whole bit about being gay and from their we justed clicked as freinds over time in the long term going through jnr and snr high

If it was not for Him being there that day I would not even be alive right now.

That's a horror story there.

I still don't understand why being gay is considered to be such a bad thing and generates such huge amounts of hate towards homosexuals.
I mean I used rip on a gay classmate back in my school days, not for being gay but cos we where guys stupid guys, well the whole class generally ripped at each other, most of the time against me. We always knew he was gay even though he did quite a good job at keeping it a secrete (his mum never found out till he told her when he was 19) but we never disrespected him for that in fact we never called him a **** or something like that we would just say stuff like "hey retard, you know they should really put you away for being so ugly/stupid etc..." he was always one of us but hell we constantly insulted ourselves.

That's just the way we boys are, we insult each other, beat the crap out of each other and then we all go out insult the girls and drink beer while watching R rated movies together.

But why the hell did they react the way they did towards you?
Did you end up having at least a few more friends other than Dwayne?

In his own way Dwayne was there for Me as My friend, My companion at the time and was for all intents and purposes thier for Me as a older brother in every possible meaning of the words.

The Guy always watched out for Me as My personel guardian to the point that even though He lived on the one side of town and I lived on the clear over on the opposite end of town He would always show up to walk Me to scool and to walk Me back home afterwards and i owed him a life debt at the time

The guy taught Me so much when it comes to the whole matters of sex and relationships and safe sex as well.

As it turned out He was entirely the dominant type and in His own words from the first moment He saw me in the shower room He had Me labeled as being the submissive type.

Eventually He and I got so close over time going through high school that I eventually decided to take Him on as My partner in a SLT relationship which he was alright with for the most part.

As We had so much in common with each other , the more We opend up to each other the more I got to thinking that since I owed Him so much over time. The least I could do was allow Him to claim Me for Himself what with My being a Virgin at the time.

long story short the farthest I ever went with Him was french kissing and heavy petting.

In the end though I would only know Him as a freind who was like family to Me during a time of My life when I needed one most.

I don't know if He's still alive or if He's even in the states anymore for that matter so consider this My way of making My peace on the matter.

Wherever You are in the world Double-D I wish You the best of luck and health Bro

As someone who was so confused (and yet, oddly attracted) to these things with Y chromosomes that I have literally made studying masculinity into a career (hello, gender studies!):

American masculinity is a clusterf***. That's why DM (who is German) is having a hard time believing how awful your experience was. America is the country who brought you Matthew Shepard, getting beaten to death, right? Yeah, great country to be gay.

Basically, remember (you probably don't) the late '90s had the 'sensitive new age guy' that everyone now makes fun of? There's been a lot of backlash against that, which is really diminishing to what is 'acceptable' for American males to do. My students insist that the only things they are interested in are:
cars
girls
partying
sports.

That's it. That's the sum total of their existence. No art. No poetry. No music. No books. Not even movies or TV. Even guys in my college who study graphic arts run 'the risk' of being perceived as 'too gay' (their words, not mine). And guys...showing emotion at all? NO WAY. American men can...get angry. That's about it. They can't bounce up and down with happiness. They can't cry (except if they're a firefighter on 9/11). They can't show love or tenderness. Even in 'sexy' scenes, the guys just look...pissed. No wonder that young men growing up think that that's the role that they have to inhabit. And no wonder they're so mad about it!!

First the culture tells them the only emotion they *can* show is anger. Second, I suspect that secretly they find this role SO limiting that...they get kinda angry about it. I know that as a woman, I sure as hell got angry about the very tiny role I was expected to squash myself into: fashion, boys, makeup and romance? BLEURK!!!

So, they see gay guys and whoa, not only are you able to show and do things they can't (gay culture has...culture), but also, you threaten them by looking.

See, in American culture, the catchphrase is (and this is from waaaay back): Men act, women appear. Meaning women are there to be seen (and thus be pretty): men, do stuff. Men thus feel very threatened when someone tries to turn them into an 'appearance'. Anyone (but especially a gay guy) checking out a guy's appearance is intimidating. That explains the baggy saggy clothes (I mean, seriously, American guys? What's with those knickerbockers y'all call swimsuits? I'm supposed to wear a bikini and you're wearing *that*?!) Men do NOT want to be checked out. By anyone. (Again, compare this to the early 90s, or the 70s, where guys did most definitely *want* to be checked out, and dressed in a very different way (coughcough spandex))

So, you threaten them. They react...badly.

I suppose it's not very comforting to hear that it's endemic to our culture and thus, nothing necessarily against *you*, personally. (Didn't help Matthew Shepard, did it?) But that's the issue. Every guy on here, on Seibs, is one step (at least) away from that attitude, because being over the age of, say, 12, and still liking toys, is outside the heteronormative stereotype. (So, yay, you Seibs guys!)

Just remember, and hope, that they'll grow out of it. One day they'll find the role too limiting (such as when they, for example, have children and find that the angry cave man thing doesn't really work anymore). And don't let it change who *you* are.

HK, yay, gender studies?

I find your lack of bel-air disturbing.

For the record...

Discussions about sexuality can be discussed WITHOUT the need to describe, reference, or infer about the actual act of sex itself.

I'm not interjecting here because this topic is about homosexuals nor am I saying any of this as a result of bias etc.

No describing sex acts. Period. Straight, Gay, Bi, TG. I don't care. None.

This site is PG-13. End of story.

Please feel free to continue discussing coming-out, the GLBT community, or whatever.

I'm editing posts now...

I know it can be scary for anyone to come out and say they are GLBT (Gay lesbian Bi or transgender) or coming out and admitting you are this that or the other. I understand you completly (Im bi-curious and have mild Aspergers myself) so I have only told those who need to know. If you don't like me for that so what.

Elita One wrote:and have mild Aspergers myself

You were clincally diagnosed with this?

I mean, the basic symptoms of this diagnoses are:

-lacking nonverbal communication skills
-demonstrated limited empathy with their peers
-physically clumsy

just by virtue of you typing a response here and in the manner of post you made, you're kind of making a case for being misdiagnosed...

Counterpunch wrote:For the record...

Discussions about sexuality can be discussed WITHOUT the need to describe, reference, or infer about the actual act of sex itself.

I'm not interjecting here because this topic is about homosexuals nor am I saying any of this as a result of bias etc.

No describing sex acts. Period. Straight, Gay, Bi, TG. I don't care. None.

This site is PG-13. End of story.

Please feel free to continue discussing coming-out, the GLBT community, or whatever.

I'm editing posts now...

Thanks for editing the posts and posting this "warning".

Please keep the conversation clean.
Thanks.

Counterpunch wrote:

Elita One wrote:and have mild Aspergers myself

You were clincally diagnosed with this?

I mean, the basic symptoms of this diagnoses are:

-lacking nonverbal communication skills
-demonstrated limited empathy with their peers
-physically clumsy

just by virtue of you typing a response here and in the manner of post you made, you're kind of making a case for being misdiagnosed...

Counterpunch:
Yes Ive got a proper diagnosis of AS. I do have some social challenges with relating to people but you can't tell by looking at me. I can be clumsy at times and I do have empathy for others.There are days where I get of dealing with people and would rather deal with machines or animals which are easier to deal with. There's nothing wrong with my intelligence either. All I was doing by typing the response I did was to say that I understand what it is like for people to come out and being seen as different by society. It is not a bad thing to care is it? People who are close to me can vouch how caring and loyal Iam.

I remember from my developmental psych course that homophobia is a side effect of misogyny. Boys are encouraged at a certain age to develop a "team" mentality of boys vs. girls. Sexual contact is war and conquest. To be homosexual is to be a species traitor in this mindset. That's what my prof explained, anyways.

I've always been rather psychologically androgynous according to this model. I played with dolls. I cook and sew. I detest sports. I guess I'm one of those 90's "new age guys." It took me a long time to stop worrying about my own sexuality. It was not until I went to college and met out-of-the-closet men that I realized that being gay or straight had little or nothing to do with one's hobbies and more to do with to whom one was attracted. Butch or fey, there's really no way to tell what someone's sexuality is unless they're showing overt signs of attraction. Eddie Izzard reveled to us that transvestites are often straight. Doesn't that just mess with the world we thought we knew from 6th grade?

I'm a High School teacher, so I hope that I can be an example of how to be a man without being a fighter in the "war of the sexes."

for me trust has never come easy and if there is one thing that event taught me over the years it is to rely only on myself to survive in life

after i got out of high school i just went and left my family behind all together for a time between the ages of 17 and 30

at the time it was fear more then anything that had caused me to be distrustful of them and people in general
a fear of rejection,a fear of being further victimised as a hate crime victim, and a fear of being physically assaulted as well for being quote unquote unable to conform to the so called socie l dictates of conservative american society

at the time i just felt like i had to go out and test myself, to see just how far i could go on my own in standing up for myself own my own 2 feet,

i suspose you could say in some part it was a desire to toughen up, to harden my mind as well las my soul and body over time.


as they say what does not kill you can only make you stronger
over those years i had been living my life as a loner/lonewolf/drifter for hire type as it were. just drifting from one place to the next one job to the next doing good legal work wherever and whenever i could find it on the streets as a person who was at the time just getting by living by their instincts, will power and bad attitude alone.

for as far as i have gone over the years i never did managed to stray out of state though.