The Energon Pub

i'll testify to the "man up and talk to her" theory. i did it a year ago, and we are both really happy now. if i had never asked her out, i would have missed out on a wonderful relationship

Be direct, be straightforward, and be honest. Trying to be roundabout (or even just subtle) is more than likely to backfire.

I only wish it were as easy as what you guys are trying to make it look like. I've asked a few girls out, but the problem isn't from a straight up rejection. I'm no sooner walking out the door to pick them up when I'd get a phone call that they had to cancel because they were sick or something. I gave the first 2 the benefit of the doubt because that's the kind of person I am, but when it happened even for reschedules then I got annoyed. No it wasn't multiple reschedules, only one on each.

Personally, I'd rather get a rejection the first time around instead of getting a yes with the intention on never going out. Why? Because I have things to do so when I work a date into my schedule that revolves around someone else's schedule only for it to never happen, the irritation begins. I know someone is probably going to call me a jerk for saying I'm a busy person, but the fact is that I am busy and I would put a lot of work into my other activities to open up time for those those dates to have happened.

I'm done with the dating scene for now. I've got other things to do that don't piss me off.

robofreak wrote:I only wish it were as easy as what you guys are trying to make it look like. I've asked a few girls out, but the problem isn't from a straight up rejection. I'm no sooner walking out the door to pick them up when I'd get a phone call that they had to cancel because they were sick or something. I gave the first 2 the benefit of the doubt because that's the kind of person I am, but when it happened even for reschedules then I got annoyed. No it wasn't multiple reschedules, only one on each.

Personally, I'd rather get a rejection the first time around instead of getting a yes with the intention on never going out. Why? Because I have things to do so when I work a date into my schedule that revolves around someone else's schedule only for it to never happen, the irritation begins. I know someone is probably going to call me a jerk for saying I'm a busy person, but the fact is that I am busy and I would put a lot of work into my other activities to open up time for those those dates to have happened.

I'm done with the dating scene for now. I've got other things to do that don't piss me off.

Transformers dont do that to you, except when you buy from an arse on ebay , reading that brings up a family guy moment but i really do feel sorry for you. what are you goignt o do in the future?

robofreak wrote:
Personally, I'd rather get a rejection the first time around instead of getting a yes with the intention on never going out. Why? Because I have things to do so when I work a date into my schedule that revolves around someone else's schedule only for it to never happen, the irritation begins. I know someone is probably going to call me a jerk for saying I'm a busy person, but the fact is that I am busy and I would put a lot of work into my other activities to open up time for those those dates to have happened.

I'm done with the dating scene for now. I've got other things to do that don't piss me off.

Sweetpea, we have a word for girls who do that. Unfortunately, I don't think I can say it here. It begins with a 'c' and isn't *cat*.

As a spokeswoman for my gender, I feel obliged to say we're not all like that. Trust me, plenty of girls are still sitting at home wishing someone would ask them out.

Practical suggestion: confront them with brutal honesty. They try to weasel out, ask them straight up why they said yes in the first place. Whether they were trying to disrespect you or whether they really have no concept of honor or integrity. I mean, if they are going to ditch out on a date with you, you've already decided that that 'relationship' is going nowhere, so why try not to hurt her alleged feelings? She certainly didn't try hard not to hurt yours! And believe it or not, those words you say to her might straighten her up from her misandrist behavior.

As an old crabby gargoyle, though, I totally agree with you. I've got SOOOOOO many better things to do with my time than wade through the dysfunctional sewage that passes for men my age.

Like grading these midterms.

HK, failure is, apparently, an option.

You know I was thinking why don't girls ask guys out?

UltraPrimal wrote:You know I was thinking why don't girls ask guys out?

Because as egalitarian as our culture is, there are still ingrained gender roles. Girls CAN ask guys out, and the DO, on occasion. It takes pretty unique circumstances or a very brave girl to do so (violating those gender expectations is not easy.)

On another note, I am a fan of the friends-before-lovers circumstance. Infatuation comes and goes, but you actually have to LIKE the PERSON for a long-term relationship to work. Similar gender-role expectations also help. Don't let the infatuation get in the way of getting to know someone. In fact, why don't you get to know some people (of your target gender) you might not be crazily physically attracted to? Maybe in time you'll get to like the way they look, or maybe they'll have a nice friend or two they will see fit to introduce you to... Of course, this has to be done genuinely. Infiltrating a circle of friends under false pretenses can have the worst of backlashes.

Lorekeeper wrote:

UltraPrimal wrote:You know I was thinking why don't girls ask guys out?

Because as egalitarian as our culture is, there are still ingrained gender roles. Girls CAN ask guys out, and the DO, on occasion. It takes pretty unique circumstances or a very brave girl to do so (violating those gender expectations is not easy.)[/qupte]

In my experience, most guys freak out of a female asks them out. This may be because it's *me* of course--I'm not particularly attractive and have been called 'intense' as though it's a bad thing. I guess they figure that if you, the female, make the first move in the 'relationship', you're going to be some sort of dominating termagant throughout the whole thing. No one wants to sign on to be pussywhipped.

On another note, I am a fan of the friends-before-lovers circumstance. Infatuation comes and goes, but you actually have to LIKE the PERSON for a long-term relationship to work. Similar gender-role expectations also help. Don't let the infatuation get in the way of getting to know someone.

Then again, our entire culture (at least here in the US) is all about portraying both genders as interchangeable partners in relationships that have no other facet than sex. The men are the players, the women are the gold-diggers. That's what I've learned from all of that educational programming on MTV. If that's what you watch, you're never going to give the other person--guy *or* girl--a chance! You'll just presume a) it's a matter of time before the other person ditches you, so use 'em first and b) there are thousands out there just like him or her lining up to take a number.

Our culture also tells us that women are only 'valuable' if they are pretty (in a very codified way) and men are only 'valuable' if they have lots of money (or stuff money buys like cars, clothes, etc). There's nothing about the value of being a decent or intelligent or ethical human being in that equation.

Look at Chris Brown and Rihanna.

HK, invaluable.

Believe it or not, I have been asked out a few times by girls. I'm not trying to sound cool. Only a handful of times, I promise. Half of them were drunk skanks. And the other half were genuinely interested in me, but unfortunately I was too dense to figure out what they really meant until it was too late.

Girl: Hi, would you like to get a coffee?
Me: No, thanks. I don't like coffee.
:ten minutes later:
Me: Wait a sec...was she asking me out?

Ladies, don't be afraid to ask out a man you like. Just don't tip-toe around it. You're giving us too much credit.


I also agree with the Friends-before-Lovers idea, but it's very dangerous. For example, I like a girl at work. I'd like to ask her out, but I'm afraid if it doesn't work out it could result in all-around awkwardness. I realize that's "Inter-Office Romance", but the risks and results are the same. So I'll probably never ask her out b/c I don't want to risk out friendship. Unless she asks me out first.

UltraPrimal wrote:I also agree with the Friends-before-Lovers idea, but it's very dangerous. For example, I like a girl at work. I'd like to ask her out, but I'm afraid if it doesn't work out it could result in all-around awkwardness. I realize that's "Inter-Office Romance", but the risks and results are the same. So I'll probably never ask her out b/c I don't want to risk out friendship. Unless she asks me out first.

Coward.

No, seriously, work-based-romances are not a super idea. Check your employee manual/ contract to see if they're even permitted. Sometimes they can be grounds for termination. Beyond that, they can be awkward if it does work out, but awful for everyone at work if the relationship were to crash and burn.

One of the best things about breaking up with someone is that you never have to see them again. Even if they are friends-of-friends, you can avoid them (or enjoy sniping or rumormongering.) If they are co-workers, you might see them every day and sometimes have to be productive , too (painful/ awful.)
This is also why I don't have very close personal friendships at my job. I like to keep work and play separated. And friends I've broken it off with (not even romantic friends) I never need to interact with again... unless they show up at a convention, and then I can be polite or rude as I please without having it reflect on my job performance.

A friend of mine used to have a saying that 'when your coworkers start to look boinkable, it's time to get out more.' Mind you, he was SF and worked in all male units, but I think the premise still holds.

Me, I've never seen the attraction towards any of my coworkers, or even ookier, my students. I simply do NOT understand why anyone would want to touch undergrads other than other undergrads. Bleurk. The guys are so skinny and weedy and pimply and still don't have their body hair under control and good lawdamighty their mama still dresses 'em funny. And holy crap it's the first day of warm weather now and oh my lord do you men even LOOK at your feet before you inflict your flip-flop snaggle-toed horrors on the rest of a civilized world?

Now that I've gotten *that* out of my system...I've asked out any number of guys. More than the other way around, though it may be because I'm too stupid in my dotage to tell if a guy is chatting me up or not. In my nubile youth, I could feel safe in identifying a pickup line. Now, not so sure. Thus I tend to initiate. Because I'm about as subtle as a hammer and even the densest man can figure it out. In fact, 'hey, can I hit on you?' has worked more than one might like to count.

It would be nice to have it go the other way 'round. Just for old time's sake.

HK

hellkitty wrote: The guys are so skinny and weedy and pimply and still don't have their body hair under control and good lawdamighty their mama still dresses 'em funny. And holy crap it's the first day of warm weather now and oh my lord do you men even LOOK at your feet before you inflict your flip-flop snaggle-toed horrors on the rest of a civilized world?

Last time I checked, I'm an under grad and I don't fit that description at all. I'm 160 pounds with the body frame of a gymnist. I can build muscle fairly fast compared to other guys my age and I dress myself. I also hate flip-flops and don't own any. I have a pair of sandles, but I only use them around the house. My acne is also under control.

In regards to your response to my previous post. I never asked them about it. I've hit a point where I just don't care at the moment because I have too many other things to worry about than what a few girls think of me.

It's a safety measure in teachers to make sure that one isn't actually attracted to one's students. Many of my students are 18, (I am a HS teacher) but I classify them as children in my mind to keep thoughts away from creepy/skeevy places.

Hell, I didn't feel fully human till I hit 30.

robofreak wrote:Last time I checked, I'm an under grad and I don't fit that description at all. I'm 160 pounds with the body frame of a gymnist. I can build muscle fairly fast compared to other guys my age and I dress myself. I also hate flip-flops and don't own any. I have a pair of sandles, but I only use them around the house. My acne is also under control.

In regards to your response to my previous post. I never asked them about it. I've hit a point where I just don't care at the moment because I have too many other things to worry about than what a few girls think of me.

Ah yes. Well, I'm 165 lbs with a body frame of a Humvee. So, I don't know what you're trying to prove, but if it's that you're big and manly and burly, ummmm, not flyin' in *this* airspace, seeker boy.

I'm sure you're absolutely hot to girls your age, and that was my point. Young folks ought to be appealing to young folks. I found young folks attractive when *I* was a young folk myself. Now that I'm old, I think we might both agree it would be eurky on both of our parts if I thought you were attractive, non? I'd certainly be uncomfortable if you thought I were hot. (I'd also doubt your sanity, but that's another issue entirely).

It's admirable you want to stand up for the hotness of your gender and generation, but I've got 75 male students this semester counterbalancing your commitment to manscaping. Some don't bathe regularly. Some wear the same beer slogan tee for a week. Some don't seem to realize that they're supposed to wear undies when they try that 'pants hanging off the butt' gangsta look. (Ack! my EYES!!!!)

There are a few male students I'd consider 'attractive' but Iesu Christe, they're *babies* compared to me. I'd feel like a frickin' pedophile. I feel vaguely nauseous just mentioning they're attractive.

HK, not nauseated by her robot-lust.

I was just trying to prove that not every undergrad fits your description. I also find student teacher relationships to be creepy on so many levels.

I'm far from big and burly and I'd rather not be like that. Also, if I was hot stuff, then why do dates keep getting cancelled on me? I don't consider myself bad looking, but I don't think I'm the next dream guy either.

hellkitty wrote:It's admirable you want to stand up for the hotness of your gender and generation, but I've got 75 male students this semester counterbalancing your commitment to manscaping. Some don't bathe regularly. Some wear the same beer slogan tee for a week. Some don't seem to realize that they're supposed to wear undies when they try that 'pants hanging off the butt' gangsta look. (Ack! my EYES!!!!)

That's disgusting. Not bathing may have been acceptable in the 17th century, but this is the 21st and bathing is required along with fresh clothes. I've also neverworn my pants like that. I'd rather walk without the worry of having to hold my pants up.

That RF just means you have a lot more taste than many of your peers. Sadly many high school age youths don't care if their pants are riding too low.

There have been a number of fashions since (and including) my days in High School that thou I would question, i can see how they make sence. Wearing pants that look like they could fall off any minute is not one of them.

robofreak wrote:I was just trying to prove that not every undergrad fits your description. I also find student teacher relationships to be creepy on so many levels.

I know: I was an undergrad once myself, and though I have never been hot (maybe lukewarm once or twice on a good day) I certainly remember looking at some of my classmates and thinking...delectable thoughts. As I've gotten older my tastes have changed and that look doesn't work for me any more. I like men who have outgrown the puppy stage. Doesn't mean puppies aren't cute, though. I just feel no sexual attraction to them.

And oh my GOD but what the hell is with this high school teachers sleeping with 14 year old boys?! GROSS GROSS GROSSITY GAGSVILLE!

I'm far from big and burly and I'd rather not be like that. Also, if I was hot stuff, then why do dates keep getting cancelled on me? I don't consider myself bad looking, but I don't think I'm the next dream guy either.

Well, some of us don't have a choice in our body frame, alas. I didn't choose to be built like a linebacker with boobies. Alas, that's what I'm working with. And girls could be cancelling dates because they suck as human beings. Their loss, as far as I'm concerned. Surely you have more to offer than your looks?

That's disgusting. Not bathing may have been acceptable in the 17th century, but this is the 21st and bathing is required along with fresh clothes. I've also neverworn my pants like that. I'd rather walk without the worry of having to hold my pants up.

I saw a kid running for a bus once. You can predict the rest: his pants fell off his butt, around his ankles, and he faceplanted in the road. And I'm just evil enough that I laughed at him. Fashion...victim. Still, they're trying to be stylish: I taught my first four years wearing stiletto heels, another really stupid thing to do thinking it would make me look a certain way. I learned I had better things to do than look cool, but even I didn't catch on as quickly as I probably should have. I don't mind the look as long as I don't have to see buttcrack.

For that matter, I don't like those skirts so short I can see my female students' choice of underbritches neither. I doubt you menfolk would find that as objectionable. Distracting, maybe.

HK, doing a morphology tree in her head of 'nondistractability'.

You 2 ladies are teacher? Well you have my love and respect. I've tried my hand at it, and I did not have the patience for it.

Actually HK, I find the mini mini skirts to be very unattractive. I would rather concentrate on getting to know someone better for who they are without having to worry about my thoughts needing to be kept under constant check. Modesty says a lot about someones character in my mind. I prefer substance, not flash.

I got a lot more than looks and honestly I don't even think about my looks often enough to care. I never go looking at myself in the mirror or start combing my hair just to look cool. I just don't think I look like something that should be avoided which is why I brought that up. I'm usually a pretty nice guy unless I haven't eaten for an extended period of time. I read a lot of books, have a 3.5 GPA (Not that great I know), work out when I get a chance, and I study for school assignments like there's no tomorrow.

Only my closest friends know about my TF collection and pile of model kits so that's not something any of my dates would have had any info on.

I did find out today that one of the girls I asked out actually does have some genuine problems she's going through at the moment due to family and whatnot, but the others have no excuse for blowing me off the way they did.

robofreak wrote:I got a lot more than looks and honestly I don't even think about my looks often enough to care. I never go looking at myself in the mirror or start combing my hair just to look cool. I just don't think I look like something that should be avoided which is why I brought that up. I'm usually a pretty nice guy unless I haven't eaten for an extended period of time. I read a lot of books, have a 3.5 GPA (Not that great I know), work out when I get a chance, and I study for school assignments like there's no tomorrow.

Dude, honeymuffin, sweetcheeks, you don't need to waste your time trying to prove to me you're cool. I mean, *obviously* you are since you are into Transformers. Duh. The rest is just gravy, baby.

Plus, trying to prove to *me* that you're cool? Sheesh. Save that ammunition for a worthier target. I'm old and fat and pale and fugly. And, hmmm, what did that student call me today? A 'f***ing hosebag bitch', I think? (Yeah, his term paper was about that coherent, too.) Totally not worth your time to impress me.

I did find out today that one of the girls I asked out actually does have some genuine problems she's going through at the moment due to family and whatnot, but the others have no excuse for blowing me off the way they did.

In grad school I TOTALLY had this crush on another grad student. Oh my, he was easy on the eyes. Turns out he ONLY dated women who had severe 'issues'. (Hey, there's a fetish for everything). Talking to him last year (actually a bunch of us getting hammered together at a conference) and he told me that I wasn't screwed up enough for him.

Probably the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me. Sniff.

HK, screwed up enough. But not too much.

Not trying to prove anything to you. You asked a couple questions and I answered. I was just going down the list to see if I am messing up somewhere with dating. It doesn't seem like I am so that's why I'm staying out of the dating scene for now.

robofreak wrote:Not trying to prove anything to you. You asked a couple questions and I answered. I was just going down the list to see if I am messing up somewhere with dating. It doesn't seem like I am so that's why I'm staying out of the dating scene for now.

Quick answer: nope, you're doing nothing wrong. Girls around you apparently *suck*. Don't lower your standards just to have an arm-accessory!!

Unless, of course, you're secretly some kind of transvestite serial killer psychopath who manages to have a) moments of coherence while posting, and b) a cool hobby.

HK, actually not the best judge of people.

Here's my two cents:

1) Be yourself in every way imaginable. If you're a flannel and jeans guy then wear that. Don't wear a three piece suit you look and feel stupid in. If you hate any music made after 1993 then don't try to pretend to like Miley or any of that other disposable pop music.

2) Don't tell her about your toys until the day after you're back from your honeymoon.

I find the idea of TF fans giving dating tips online to be inherently sinister.

so apparently a junior asked me to the prom next year ( as she was too young to bring a date from a different grade/school) she knew enough to ask what my mom would say about a 7th grader going to the prom (for 10-12 graders), she was smart, *ahem* attractive (black-guy mode is in track please turn off your computer and hide under your rock if you found ANY offense to that) though she wasn't really my type ( doesnt mean i wouldnt date her *IF* i had the chance, but im trying to ask someone else out)

and HK: my one teacher (not my teacher personally) got fired for um...questionable teaching methods with the girls