The Energon Pub

For some time now I've known that my father had developed a cancerous tumor in his liver, linked to his diabetic condition. It came out of no where, attacked the nerves and arteries coming in and out of the liver, making it impossible to operate on. In the span of two months it went from being 2 cm in diameter to currently the size of a fastpitch sofball. Doctors told us yesterday, if he's strong, he may have a month to live.

I've been an up and down mess of emotions. I normally don't like to share my feelings or private matters with anyone, not even my family, but Im just so messed up right now I don't know what to think, what to do or anything. I got some seriously hard decisions to make in very little time, things my father has asked me to do for him, things I have to think of how they will affect my 4 year old son who adores the man.

I figured I'd just come here. My home on the world wide web. Not really looking for answers or support. I dont know what Im looking for.

My family is no stranger to cancer.

My Grandpa died of it quite some time ago. I don't think I've ever been the same. He was always there and I learned a lot from him. His death was painful for me as I had to watch him wither away. I always expected him to be the type who would have died of a heart attack at 90 while mowing the lawn. He was just so freaking healthy that no one saw it coming.

About 3 years ago, I was also afraid I was going to lose my dad. He started having anxiety and panic attacks and no one could figure out what was wrong with him. Finally after 8 months of testing, we went from nervous breakdown to depression, to valley fever, to pancreatic cancer and finally sarcoid which is the best one of the lot.

I still have my dad and he's back to normal, but it is scary when the ones you love are on death's door.

My other grandpa died last Easter froma stroke. I've become well acquainted with death as of late.

If you need someone to talk to about stuff privately don't be afraid to PM me.

Cancer is a real motherfuker. My mom has stage 4 breast cancer now.

Nothing you can do except appreciate the time you have.

Just remember that there is more to life than its eventual end. If you focus too much on that one thing, you forget all the other good stuff inbetween.

Last night, after a few short months of battling his disease, my father passed on. He was the greatest man in my life, he helped me through so much, and now he's gone.

First Gen wrote:Last night, after a few short months of battling his disease, my father passed on. He was the greatest man in my life, he helped me through so much, and now he's gone.

He's never gone as long as you remember him mate.

Hey man,
I just figured I'd share some stuff with you. I don't know if this will help, but at the least I think you should know your not alone.

I'm actually a cancer survivor, I had Non Hodgkins Lymphoma with a tumor the size of my fist on my neck, have the scar to remind me. I was diagnosed at the age of 10, and the one thing I remember, is learning how to deal with loss. I made alot of friends in the cancer ward, people that would help me through my situation. And every time I would go to the hospital for treatment, it was a 50/50 chance that I would either see them again or...I had seen them for the last time. To be around that much death and have it be apart of my every day routine....it was a real life altering thing ya know. I mean it's one thing to see a person die, or get the phone call of a loved one passing away..it's another thing to see someone die slowly, bit by bit as each day passes, and then not even knowning when and if your gonna have the chance to say goodbye.

It took me years to get over that man, and I'm saying this because your not going to get over this milestone overnight, nor should you, thats not how this sort of thing works. However, I did overcome it, and I realised it wasn't the fact I saw them slowly pass away or I didn't get to tell them goodbye that I should dwell on. But it was how I made them feel, that I brought them laughter and friendship and love in their final moments, it was that right there that I needed to concentrate on. And that they, in turn, helped me cope with this harsh reality of our lives, they made me stronger and capable to help and talk to others, it was their final gift to me.

A few years later, when I first started out in college, my freshman year my Grandfather whom was there for me through alot of that crisis,and helped me into college, died as well from liver cancer. And again, it took me a while to get over this shock, but again, I realised that I loved him till the end, and he too granted me the strength to carry on. These were their gifts to me, which I give to you, heopfully you can find some peace and rest in this for the days to come. You and your family have my prayers man.
~Josh

First Gen wrote:Last night, after a few short months of battling his disease, my father passed on. He was the greatest man in my life, he helped me through so much, and now he's gone.

Sorry to hear that man, I know you and I know you're taking it hard. Keep the memories alive and be the person he'd want you to be.

First Gen wrote:Last night, after a few short months of battling his disease, my father passed on. He was the greatest man in my life, he helped me through so much, and now he's gone.

Heya.
I'm sorry to you and your family for your loss. For what it's worth, I believe you will begin to see your father 'come through you' in your actions from now on.I believe it will bring you some joy to the sting.

I got married last April.My wifes' Grandfather was diagnosed with a situation in his lungs. He was a short man, and one of the last things he did whilst he could still collect the oxygen to walk short distances was cut a hole in a metal mesh he had hung up over the front gate of his little village house (where he hung a part of the grapevine) so that I could enter without bowing my head.

At our wedding, he got up to dance, got puffed out, and got escorted back to his seat.

Two weeks afterward, whilst on the respirator at home, he shot himself in the heart with his rifle.He did it to stop us from giving up our days to tend to him.

He survived.The shot was for Boar.8 Pellets tore through him,exited from his back and spread across the wall.Apparently the scatter saved his heart from the required direct hit, even at point blank.

He got taken to Hospital.Spent what I remember as forever in the shots ward, and the Cancer kept spreading.When they finally had him stable enough to get to the Cancer ward, he was too weak to fight it, so we lost him.

My sister & her Husband travelled to Greece from Australia for the wedding.She hung around a little afterwards to tour the old country. When she got back, her father in law had lost his voice.Stage 4 Lung,throat and Kidney Cancer.He fought it with some new special treatment, but later they found it in his Spine as well.He died last November.

I can't give you any advice but I can wish you receive whatever you wish for to heal through your loss,and that I do.

Your family is in my prayers. Keep your head high and allow your father to live on through you and everyone else knows you.

Take care my friend.

My condolences go out to you and your family.

Damn, First Gen, I'm really sorry to hear that. I love my old man, and I dread the day this happens to me.

Stay strong, man.

Thank you all for the kind words and stories of relation. I hate to think Im not alone on this one, so much suffering. I'm just gonna make a more dedicated effort to supporting and donating to cancer research in honor of my dad.

First Gen wrote:Thank you all for the kind words and stories of relation. I hate to think Im not alone on this one, so much suffering. I'm just gonna make a more dedicated effort to supporting and donating to cancer research in honor of my dad.

Never EVER think you're alone.

My uncle lost his life to cancer. I wasn't overly close to him and I still have both my parents so I don't know personally what it's like to feel the loss of someone so close and someone who had such an impact on your life.

But EVER think you're alone, because I know you've got a lot of mates, and there's plenty of people who have been what you've been through.

Don't hold it in either, if you need to talk, if you need to vent, then do so. Holding it in is the worst thing you can do (that I can speak from experience on).

I'm very sorry for your loss man. I too lost my father to liver cancer. What was weird for me was that I didn't even realize how much it affected me until months later, and saw that how bad it actually had been on me. Luckily I have a wonderful family to turn to and laughing helps a lot. I think you were in our room when CP and I had our "infamous" cancer argument.

Just keep on going, talk when you need to, and always remember.

I'm sorry to hear this man, also to have taken so long to respond.

Cancer's a fu**ing bitch, lost my uncle that way, I heard he went almost crazy the last few weeks, scribbling down all the medication he was taking each and every time, till there was this huge stack of paper with notes that looked like they where written in 4 different hand writings.
He did, however, manage to pull himself together and act as if nothing was wrong when me or my brothers where around.

First Gen wrote:Thank you all for the kind words and stories of relation. I hate to think Im not alone on this one, so much suffering. I'm just gonna make a more dedicated effort to supporting and donating to cancer research in honor of my dad.

You are never alone man. I know from experience what cancer can do. I lost my grandfather last year to skin cancer. His wife and his cousin both died of disease, my grandmother only living to about the age of 50, and as a result I never got to meet her. On the other side of the family, my great-grandmother passed away due to cancer also.
The best things you can do are to be open about what you're feeling, and to remember the person for what they did for you while they're alive rather than consuming your mind with suffering. I hope that doesn't sound insensitive, because I'm not trying to be. I can tell you your father wants you to live a happy life, and I'm sure it would grieve his heart to see you suffering. The important thing, again, is to remember how he contributed to your life and live the way he'd want you to live. You should be thankful that he had such a good impact on your life, and that he was close to you. Cancer is a horrid thing, and it can cut lives short, but it's much more important to celebrate the life of a person rather than being consumed by their death.
I will say a prayer for your family. I'm also glad to hear you're donating to cancer research.

First Gen,
Hey,Man.

I was watching this Aristophanean theatrette on TV last night,This one guy said something that made my mind go to you immediately:

"A Person is not dead until they begin to be missing".

The way I translate this, is that the only time we notice someone to be missing is when it's our 'system' is looking for them.The immediate next step is to establish their location, which might be a new one. A person with a new location is not missing, just elsewhere.

It really provided a clarifying perspective for me. I hope sincerely that,if you needed a clarifying perspective as well, then there's one there for you.

Mrs. Smoketreader says don't forget to be good to yourself.

(This was the full context: Young Man with fully printed Newspaper, Old Man with Blank Newspaper:
Young Man: "(Politician,exiled by fellow Politicians) died yesterday".
Old Man: "I know"
Young man: "How can you know, your Paper is blank!"
Old man: "You think he died yesterday. I remember when he died".
Young Man:"He's been undiscussed for decades, Old Man! How can you,with your blank Newspaper know?"
Old Man: (Forwards the above quote).