The Energon Pub

News Credits: 11 · by **joevill** » Fri Jul 22, 2011 8:21 pm

I'm feeling extremely lost and could use some advice. What should I do? This is what I think I should do, I should go visit him regardless what I'm told.

One of my uncles was hospitalized earlier this year. I visited him the day after he was in the emergency room. After he was discharged we found out he has cancer. Once I found that out I went out of the way and visited him. I let him know I'm there for him and gave him my phone number.

It is amazing to see how life can change so quickly. He bought a new home, remarried, life was good.

I know it is no excuse but when he remarried a bitch late last year. When I visited him in the hospital she shot down everything I said. When I visited him at his home she continued to shoot down everything I say. It is very frustrating.

Even though he was told it was curable, I was just told today that he has a few months to live. The cancer spread from esophagus to other organs and now his doctor gave up on him. I want to visit him right now but I am told not to. Maybe I should wait and visit along with my parents.

News Credits: 12 · by **robofreak** » Fri Jul 22, 2011 8:37 pm

I'm really sorry to hear about this situation. I'm all too familiar with the beast known as cancer.

Visit him and tell his wife to back off.

I'd really hate to point fingers here, but she seems parasytic from what you described. She married him knowing he had cancer and seems like she came out of nowhere. It almost seems like she's trying to run off with whatever is leftover.

Not trying to be mean here, but from what you described, a red flag went up in my mind about her.

News Credits: 11 · by **joevill** » Fri Jul 22, 2011 8:42 pm

robofreak wrote:I'd really hate to point fingers here, but she seems parasytic from what you described.

They got married before he was diagnosed. Then again no one knew he had health problems and they were living together.

I appreciate the advice. It is too late to visit and call right now. I will try to visit tomorrow morning.

News Credits: 226 · by **Burn** » Fri Jul 22, 2011 9:05 pm

I think you should try to visit yourself, if you run into problems with the wife then walk away and wait until you can go with your parents.

There's no point in getting into an argument with her, for all you know this could be how she copes with the prospect of losing her husband. I know you said she's a bitch, and she very well may be that, but i've often found there's more going on with people than just what you see.

But it's important to not let things erupt with her. I'm guessing it's not what your uncle would want.

Kudos for you for visiting him though. A few years ago my uncle was diagnosed with lung cancer and was in and out of hospital, I never visited until very late, at that point he was a shadow of the man I remembered (lost a lot of weight, but he still gave nurses hell) and I couldn't talk. My sister did all the talking. I couldn't believe he'd wasted away so much, plus I hate hospitals, and of course, I knew he was dieing.

Looking back, I wished i'd visited more.

So don't give up, do what's best for your uncle, but don't let things get out of control.

by **Just Negare** » Sat Jul 23, 2011 12:27 am

I've heard of quite a few situations like this. One in my own immediate family.

There's a few thigns you could try:

1. Take the wife aside, and explain to her, calmly, your feelings on the matter. Tell you her you respect your uncle's decision to marry her, and that you know she loves him and he loves her. Understand she is greiving also and this may be her way of doing it. Say you want your chance to say goodbye or visit your uncle.

2. If that doesn't work, ask the nurses if they can help - tell them the situation, again, be calm and try not to resort to insulting the wife. Ask if they can arrange a time for you to visit alone, or ask if they can tell teh wife when you visit that they only want one person in there at a time.

3. Perhaps write the wife a letter. sounds flowerly, but sometimes it can help you and her. Tell her your feelings on the matter, again be firm but not insulting. Express your desire to visit him and that he is your uncle and you have every right to do so.

Don't give up. No matter what the wife tries. Of course you could try being a little overly nice to her, bring her a meal, as if there is anything you can do for her.

Its so important to get to say your goodbyes and spend time with a family member who is dying. So many fob off the chance due to obstructive family members or their own grudges, and end up regretting it sorely years later.

If you do not get an opportunity to visit your uncle before he dies, at least know that you tried everything you could and it was through no fault of your's that you missed out.

News Credits: 127 · by **Counterpunch** » Sat Jul 23, 2011 12:51 am

Hey man,

I know this is hard. My mom is dealing with advanced stage 4 breast cancer. Aside from the family conflict, I know how all this feels.

That being said, I would say that you should discuss the matter with the parent to whom your uncle is sibling to. Remember that it's their sibling first and foremost. If they're ok with your desire to visit your uncle, you should go about it in the most respectful way you can. If they are hesitant to allow it, respect that too.

If that's not an issue at all, then I support what negare said. Just try and find a way so that you're comfortable with your decision.

Best of luck.

News Credits: 11 · by **joevill** » Sun Jul 24, 2011 10:38 am

I discussed with my mother yesterday what I wanted to do but she urged me to wait to go with my father tomorrow.

Thank you all for your support!

by **MGrotusque** » Mon Jul 25, 2011 12:55 am

I would never ever let anybody prevent me from being with a dying family member. Especially a non blood related one.

WHo cares if she gets pissed off. Ignore her completely and steam roll right over her. Gawd damn if i'm gonna let somebody make me feel awkward about seeing my uncle on his death bed (sorry to be so blunt). Petty nonsense in this matter like you and her getting along or not is ridiculous and minor in comparison to what the real situation is. In my opinion.

Her interpretation of what's right or wrong is irrelevant.

Visit him as often and as much as you like. It's your right as a loving family member.

But if your too timid to take that approach then "Just Negare" has the best advice i guess if you think placating the wife is important.

News Credits: 11 · by **joevill** » Mon Jul 25, 2011 7:30 pm

My father went this afternoon with out me. My mom suggested that I go with them this weekend if he gets admitted to a comprehensive cancer center. After work I went to go see him. I haven't seen him since January. He has lost a lot of weight. He was very happy to see me.

The wife came out of the room and sat near by me. I said hello and pretty much just ignored her most of time she was there. Even when she made comments on why they dropped the PPO/POS option of their HMO. When I found that out, it was very hard to hold my tongue but I did. If they had that option he would of had no problem getting treatment without waiting for authorization or having his records held hostage until the HMO paid. It doesn't matter if he has a higher copay when using that option because life is priceless.

As he was talking, I asked him if he was in any pain. He told me he has lots of pain. I asked if it hurts when he talked and he said it hurts a lot. I told him to rest his voice and I sat next to him. At that moment I just started crying uncontrollably. He told me he cried everyday. He seemed very calm. I believe he has accepted his fate. As I left I told him to call me whenever he or his wife needs anything at all no matter the size. Big or small just to call me. He gave me a big hug, told me he loves me and thanked me for visiting. I think I am the only nephew who has been visiting him. I have a lot of cousins and most of them are adults with transportation.

Thank you again for all your advice and feedback. It did give me strength today.

News Credits: 11 · by **joevill** » Mon Sep 12, 2011 9:43 am

My uncle passed away last Tuesday 7am. Today is the funeral. It has been a long, sad week. My uncle is in a better place now. He is no longer in pain or suffering. He will be missed.

I just wanted to thank you guys for listening and sharing your advice.