Dear TFCC people,
I humbly offer my editing/proofing skills to you, FOR FREE. Solely so I don't have to run across, in the first two hundred words, 'feint' instead of 'faint' and 'who he towered over' which should be 'whom'. Light does not 'protrude' so there's some faulty...something there.
And this:"And not stop until that job gets done, however, let’s keep the protie gloves on until we can sway the council to the
right way of thinking" is in DIRE need of a semi-colon.
'knock its welder off their feet' should be 'knock its wielder off HIS feet'--and that's just page one!!! (And yes, I'll stop now). (Okay, and the scene ending was flabby and pointless and now I'll stop).
I know, I know: English. It's so hard. Especially when it's like...YOUR NATIVE LANGUAGE?!?!
The dialogue is flat and draggy and sententious (go look that up, authors) and the whole femmebots thing was just a facepalm and a half it was so cliche.
But the real urgh for me was Onslaught. Wow, he had the leadership qualities of a wet sock. I don't mind him being the butt of genderfaily jokes--he does make a great straight man--but he just seemed...castrated to me. And totally not even close to controlling his team. Perhaps I just got too excited because I *heart* the Combaticons precisely for being the most dysfunctional, screwed-up gestalt ever, and I expected more out of them. Like...hello? Vortex? There were at least nods to Blast Off and Swindle and Brawl in characterization (brief nods, but they were there) but Vortex was total cardboard, which in my fanfic writing mind is something like a capital crime.
There's WAAAAAY better fanfic about the Combaticons out there that doesn't resort to AU to cover bad characterization, paper thin plotting, no sense of story arc or internal tension, and, whoa, actually uses proper grammar.
HK, heck, *I've* written better Combaticons stuff.
