With aplomb, I present the “Top 10 Movie Clichés”, a general list, and how they would apply to transformers sequels. Just a personal list of overused plot devices that piss me off.
First let me point out that the essence of drama is: <drum roll> thwarted intention. Good stories occur when two characters have equal and opposite intentions. Optimus Prime wants peace. Megatron wants war. Bingo, instant drama, just add supporting cast. Playing out and resolving the drama necessitates plot devices. These “narrative widgets” drive the story, and if you’re lucky, the reader/viewer will feel like they are moving downhill, the apex being “freefall”, where you can’t stop reading/watching. The gravity of the plot pulls you in (The Matrix). The worst-case scenario is “uphill”, where the reader/viewer actually feels tired and/or insulted in the course of proceeding (The Matrix Sequels).
The “plot widgets” below are often used by lazy writers with poor creativity (99% of Hollywood hacks, IMHO) to drive the story forward, but they are the most overused, tired, plodding ones imaginable. Not just “uphill”, but vertical. I pray we see none of them in TF2.
The List:
10.) (Unjustified) Resurrection
Look, resurrection has been around for 2000 years, if you catch my drift. It’s the most classic, and thus overused plot in the world. Christ resurrected Lazarus, God resurrected Christ, yadda, yadda, yadda. Yawn. And I’m not talking theology, BTW, I’m speaking about the literary devices (the bible is literature, for some, not literal word of g-d). Before Christian storytelling, in Greek, Roman, and Egyptian myths/theology, another common tale was to bust into Hades and spring someone. Great tales, just there have been SO MANY!@!!! Tired books/movies with this plot: Star Trek III (good, but on the list), Alien Resurrection, and a plethora of bad video games. Simply resurrecting a character because it is convenient is a major sin.
A word of caution: resurrection with a point, as an intentional plot device, IS interesting. So basically, hypothetically, if Soundwave or Shockwave came to earth to rebuild/resurrect Megatron, that in and of itself is a large plot point. Personally, I think it would be great to rebuild him and then have him take an alt mode that resembles G1 Megatron, finally, including honking giant fusion cannon on arm, though not with a mass-shifting gun transformation. Resurrecting Jazz for the hell of it is lame. LAME! You heard it here.
9.) Nanotechnology/Blood Bots.
Another one where I cry foul. Nanotech, like HAL AI’s in the 60’s and 70’s, PC’s in the 80’s, and genomic dinosaurs, fractals, and virtual reality in the 90’s, is “the coming thing” (for you Brisco fans). The misunderstandings abound though, and any plot with nanobots enhancing genes for superhuman effect folds like a cheap suit. Hulk had this device, and I thought it was by and large unnecessary (Bruce Banner would die if the nanobots didn’t constantly repair his radiation damage, thus creating the hulk). Hulk smash nanobots! The Doom movie was even worse, relying on vague and incorrect nanomic gene manipulation with piss-poor “angel” crap to boot (see number 1 on list). Nano-this, nano that. Blech! It’s done already…
My greatest fear is that they include devastator, but with a nanotech gestalt (imagine a silver swarm of mini-minicons, Shockwave’s “dangerous, illicit experiment” buzzing like a hive of bees, with Godzirra/Ultraman as the result). Blow me, you bloated plot device, I already saw “The Mummy.” 5 or 6 construction vehicles or nothing, so say I.
8.) “Only Human”, when poorly done
“Is it fear or courage that compels you, fleshling?” If only the movie had paused, and Sam had actually answered Megatron. Honest to god, Megs, let’s brew some gunpowder tea and discuss this like the Samurai you are (Megatron’s G1 helmet has been described by some as a cross between Darth Vader’s and Samurai Armor to make him “scary”). I actually like these stories more than any other science fiction, the crowning achievement for me being Data’s character on TNG. The whole blurry line between robots and humans has been a source for dramatic and religious fascination for over 5000 years, beginning with animating stone statues with Egyptian “Ka” (Ka-Tet to you, if you’re a Stephen King fan…). Again, though, the common denominator here is… intention. Humans are human because they have intentions. Robots, statues, and even wooden boys are cool when they too, for some reason, have intention. There are good reasons, and bad reasons. Robots from cybertron is a good reason. Data on TNG had good reasons. Bad reasons are when robots spring out of the ground for the hell of it, and then kill/enslave humans for being, “only human.” The psychology of replicants in “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep” (Blade Runner) is brilliant! The “keymaster” in the matrix sequels was an embarrassing, needlessly melodramatically existential pile of refuse. As is Agent Smith’s, “Only human” remark. These writers should be hunted for sport with frozen Nerf pellets once a year in Central Park as part of some bizarre literary festival.
7.) Protagonist becomes antagonist via "possession", only to return to normal with better motivation.
When I was five or so, I liked Superman III. And I liked The Temple of Doom. What do they have in common? In both movies, the protagonist falls under a “spell”, and is temporarily evil. I loved it at the time, but my girlfriend, who is six years older, never fails to remind me how lame superman III really was. And Temple of Doom was the weakest Indy, in her opinion. I am inclined to agree, upon further viewing. This is a cheap, tawdry, mindless device suitable only for children.
Again, a word of caution: Darth Vader’s “evil spell”, lasting a lifetime, really works, but again only as a MAJOR, thoughtful plot device, not a brief and easy aside. The transformers cartoon had a brief skirmish with this as well, with varied results. In short: a “red eye” Optimus would also be tired, saggy, and convenient, an uphill battle.
6.) “Hacking”
Neo hacking in the Matrix was cool. Neo considering “upgrades” in Matrix II made me leave the theatre. Swordfish was meh, but tolerable.” “I know this! This is Unix!” in Jurassic Park was weak-ass. Firewall was somewhere in the middle. See the difference? Realistic, carefully thought out hacking sequences *can* work. Cinema pieces that impress AOL users who think hackers are watching them as they type in their precious VISA number on Amazon is lame. Case in point: look up the hot video of the week in the “Life” series, depicting getting to “level 10.” I’m sure middle aged bankers and soccer moms, for whom video games are mysterious (“OF EVIL!” As the Kids in the Hall would say), were duly impressed. However, the show is now the laughing stock of the YTMND.com community, which is anyone who would come to Seibertron basically.
TF1 walked this line carefully, and got away with it in my view (“Somebody’s tapped into the POTUS mainframe!”). Just be careful.
5.) Bloated trilogy villains
The Joker. Sweet! Two-face and the Riddler. WTF? Green Goblin? OK. Doc Ock? Sweet! Sandman AND Venom? WTF? There are many, many movies that do this. The matrix sequels do this as well, not to return to them too much, but they are so bad and guilty of nearly this entire list. The problem is that compelling antagonists in the beginning of the series are replaced by paper thin, poorly done antagonists by the end, simply because there is more money. Terrible sin.
With TF2 and TF3, it would go like this. In TF1, part of the fun is thinking, “oh god, what’s gonna happen when that mofo wakes up?” And when Megatron does finally come at us like a spider monkey, it’s non-stop pandemonium until he’s taken out. Now let’s say for the sake of argument, Soundwave shows up and resurrects him, and it’s a bigger budget rehash of the same type of action. We’re given a little more insight into Megatron’s thought process during the first two acts, and by the third act, we give the public more of the same, but fresh enough to want it. It sure worked for Spiderman 2, one of the most successful sequels ever IMO. It would work. Now imagine that Bay has a HUGE budget ($350 million, for example), and the TF3 has Dinobots, Superion, Bruticus, Galvatron (Yes, in ADDITION to Megatron for some stupid reason), all brawling on Unicron’s arse. Oh, and the robots have nipples now. STUPID! Why? Money does not equal good writing. It’s why Spiderman 3 was ghastly (yes, it was).
Remember kids, Drama = Thwarted Intention. The End = Resolved Tension. How satisfying relies on the “plot widgets”, and money can’t buy me love.
4.) Chaotic Slavic Splinter Cells
Similar to above, this is when instead of/in addition to more bad guys, you also get “psycho” bad guys who simply have their own agenda. More thwarted intention must be good, right? No, all it does is obfuscate the existing character relations. For me personally, the most glaring example of this is: the quintessons. Why the f*** do I need to watch some tentacled mechazoid when I’m still coming to terms with Prime dying? The Quintessons are unnecessary, and they get in the way of the existing conflict between our favorite cybertronians, the A’s and the D’s. I thought Unicron sucked too, but I can see the appeal for some, so I won’t harp on it. Quintessons = Uphill though. You know how I know? There hasn’t been a single thread on the Seibertron movie forums that says, “GOD, where are the QUINTS! That would SO PWN!”
3.) Pretentious, pointless romance (goes sour in sequel, becomes more serious in trilogy)
Movie 1: Boy and Girl meet, hook up. Movie 2: Boy and Girl Fight. Both question the relationship in isolation. Movie 3: Boy and Girl start changing diapers with sh**-eating grins. Ugh. I don’t want it in my scifi (Unless you’re into something like the Xenogenesis trilogy by Octavia Butler; look it up).
“Every movie has to have a romance”, says pony-tailed Hollywood executive producer. BS! It’s a fallacy. It’s THE SINGLE MOST TIRED PLOT, EVER, if it’s not actually a romance movie. Yes, it has its place, but who really LIKED that Arwen crap in the middle of LOTR when goblin-gore was so much cooler? Harry Potter went south as well when Cho became a plot point. Also, this is NOT a “ladies” thing. Producers think women actually want this garbage; most don’t. I’m speaking for women I know, both the “hawt” and the thoughtful. Chicks who dig harlequin books (“he plundered my silky treasures”), and chicks in jackboots who roll their own smoke while digging ditches. Good romance scripts need the WHOLE movie to develop. Otherwise = Uphill (except for male virgins, ironically, who often need the most love stories since they're confused why they're still virgins. Here's a tip: don't look for this advice in cinemas).
THANK GOD Sam and Mikaela getting it on didn’t take up more time. Mikaela and Spike in G1 cartoons were obviously hitched, but not ONCE was it a point of attention, unlike making out on bumblebee (how rude). If Arcee shows up as somebody’s “girl”, I will just leave.
2.) “Use the force”/Trust your gut
When a character forsakes otherwise logical action because he’s just “got a feeling.” This worked in Star Wars. Once. Don’t try it again. And certainly not to save a bad plot. See “Only Human.”
And…
1.) Generic Soul Mythologies/Philosophy (is my brain my soul? Is my genome? Did you step in something?)
Out of this whole list, this one makes me the most batsh** crazy. Pondering the nature of the divine spark of the soul is an ambitious project. Some side on the transcendental, souls. Some side with the subscendental, genes. Some go to polytechnics, and think about brains, period. While others are purely material/political, and don’t make much of it at all when there’s more important work to be done, such as “an orgy of kickassery!” I’m not here to tell you the “right” answer, and I hate it when writers try to do so, or introduce the topic as “mysterious.” This was the WORST part of the matrix sequels (again, universally bad and did everything wrong), needlessly preening, self-masturbatory pontification about the nature of the self. It makes MY soul want to wither and die, and go see John McClane kick other people’s ass instead of peering up his own with a metaphysical light pen.
TF2 and TF3 will be forced to address this with respect to robots. They are already messing around in murky water with regard to the energon/allspark origin story. Will they come down on the side of “nano” forces? Or “magic radiation”? Is the allspark part of God’s Plan? Or just plain old alien? SIGNIFICANTLY alien enough, in fact, to demand original writing that does not fall into one of these ten traps? Do we please the fanbots? Or in trying to be original, alienate everyone?
I don’t envy Orci and Kurtzmann. My only advice: just don’t go drinking with the Wachowski Brothers.
bringing back the same actors who don't really need to be in the movie... ala the military guys josh and tyrese, 9) cheesy origin stories ala sandman, 10) selfless acts that end in the main character dying.. ala neo!
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