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We're now into the top twenty...

As a side note about this list, if a particular figure doesn't make it in, that's not necessarily because the figure is bad or not noteworthy, it's just because I don't have anything to say about that figure or that I genuinely forgot to include them. I'm not trying to skip anyone's favourites!

Anyway, on with the show:

#20: Here There Be Dragons

WARNING: This entry will use a fairly broad and vague definition of "dragon" to encompass general reptilian otherworldly beasts. To see if the potential inaccuracy of this definition is likely to upset you, please see how enraged the following test claims make you:

A) Beast Machines was superior to Beast Wars.
B) Every figure produced since G1 is crap.
C) Every figure produced before Armada is crap.
D) Size does matter.
E) "I remember Masterpiece Optimus Prime! I had him when I was a kid back in the eighties!"
F) The 2007 movie should have concentrated more on the human characters.

If any of the above claims caused you to turn green, rip your shirt, and start eating your keyboard, you may wish to listen to some relaxing music and take a warm bath before continuing with this entry.

This was a test of the Diem Offence Causing System. If this were a real situation, you would be offended and possibly flabbergasted. Knowing is half the battle.

For the first year of Transformers, that whole Robots In Disguise subtitle was pretty solid. Everyone turned into some kind of automobile, jet or device, and only the minibots looked unrealistic. Year 2 brought robot dinosaurs and insects, a giant raygun, and a futuristic jet, but was otherwise pretty realistic still.

Then it all went a bit weird. Hasbro let their licenses slide and jumped the franchise into the farflung future world of 2005.


Pictured: The farflung future world of 2005.

Suddenly, the Porsches and F-15s were being replaced with future cars and spaceships. The idea of the Alt Modes being realistic had pretty much gone out of the window.

Unless you count Sky Lynx, the first dragons in the line came in 1987:


No witty caption can do this guy justice.

Snapdragon was part of the elite Horrorcon unit of the Decepticons, a unit consisting only of two members (that's still two more members than the Wheelie fan club). The Horrorcons were both triple-changers and Headmasters. They're like the lovechildren of Chromedome and Astrotrain (and if that concept doesn't weird you out, you've been reading too much fan-fiction.)

I hate to gush, but this figure was and is a minor masterpiece. The robot mode is tremendously articulated for the time with hips, shoulders, elbows and knees, the jet mode is unbelievably sexy, and his...other mode is cool too. I say "other" because despite his name he looked far less like a dragon and more like an iguanadon. Even his tech specs describe him as a reptile.

That said, he combines the fearsome beast mode of a Decepticon Headmaster, the super-cool jet mode of a Decepticon Targetmaster, the cool twin guns of an Autobot Headmaster, the triple-changing of a...Triple-changer, and the refreshing wit of Stephen Fry.


"Back off, Snapdragon!"
"NO!"
- actual dialogue from the show.

Last entry, I gushed about the Technobot Afterburner. Well, I'm sure you're sick of my gushing. And I'm sure you're sick of me using the word "gushing" while you're trying to eat. But anyway, the Technobots cemented the age of regular Earth modes becoming a thing of the past, along with their rivals, the Terrorcons.

Yep, Horrorcons and Terrorcons. Man, the eighties were classy.

Anyway, I plan to consider two of the Terrorcons "dragons" for the purposes of this entry: Hun-Grrr and Sinnertwin.

Sadly there are no images of these guys in the Seibertron Galleries, so I'm forced to substitute my own:


"BAD MOJO! BAD DOG!"

Yep, Hun-Grrr (or however the kids are spelling it nowadays) and Sinnertwin both fit in the category of two-headed dragon beast things (although Hun looks more like some kind of stegosaurus and Sinner looks more like a dog). Also, they both have awesome names. Haters might point out that none of the Terrorcons except maybe Cutthroat have alt modes that look like anything in human history, real, mythological, or otherwise. Which is a good point until you realise that at this stage in the mythos the Transformers were battling on many a wacky planet with freaky inhabitants, so maybe the Terrorcons had incredibly convincing alien modes. On the planet of the two-headed beasties, Hun-Grrr is king.


"Get up on the Hydra's back!"

Doublecross was the best of the Monsterbots (an accolade akin to being the least douchey cast member of Jersey Shore) with fire-breathing action (wonder why they didn't reissue this guy) and again, two heads. In true comedy fashion, his two heads would argue with one another. He was also one of the progenitors of Beast Wars' seriously over-used beast-mode-head-as-robot-mode-hand habit.


I have a soft spot the size of yo' momma when it comes to the Firecons. Sure their robot modes are weak and their transformations are crappy but their beast modes were so cuuuute. Plus if you wanted them to breathe sparks you had to make them roll along on their bellies. Hilarious. Also, Cindersaur looks a bit like Baragon or Anguiras, so that's a plus.


Fingerchompin' good.

Speaking of Kaiju, I was going to discount him on the grounds of clearly being a giant chicken but according to his Japanese tech specs he's a dragon. Fair enough.

It was Beast Wars where the toy designers really fell off the dragon...er, wagon. There were a whole bunch of sinister reptiles, but the first true dragon was Megatron, Transmetal 2.


"Hey, did you hear that Puff the Magic Dragon was supposedly about drugs? I can't stand the prejudice against dragons."
*snooooort* "Doesn't bother me, I'm a helicopter."

Yep, the Beast Wars line had finsihed doing real animals, mechanical animals and mutations of real animals mixed together and went outright mythical. Megatron was now a big ol' shiny dragon, as was his repaint, Cryotek. Sadly in the show he didn't get to keep this form for long before getting shipped back to Cybertron.


"I wish for the most comfortable underwear in the world!"


"You must spawn more Overlords!"

For some reason, Megatron decided that he hated being a dragon, and decided to discard his bio bits. This led to the creation of Savage/Noble, who in the show was an interesting and sympathetic figure and in the toyline was a thing that turned from a crappy werewolf into the creature above.

Let's move on...


"Heh heh...lemon sour poop..."

Blurrz already waxed lyrical about the awesomeness of RiD Megatron's jet and car mode but I wanna have a look here at the dragon mode. This is where Megatron's ostentatious purple, black and gold really shine. This dragon Megatron, with his ornate, vivid colours, his long neck and big wings branching from a small body and his dramatic crests, looks brilliantly like a Chinese decoration or parade dragon. Excellent.


"You wanna see my sweater puppies?"

Scourge (and his repaints) may well be the last non-minicon Dragon that we'll see for a while in Transformers. The movie line has been eschewing beast modes for the most part, no Dragonformers are really iconic enough to be must-sees in Universe 3.0, and War For Cybertron probably won't include any characters that weren't introduced in 1984-1985. But if Scourge is the last dragon we'll see, we're going out on a high. This guy is huge, imposing and fierce-looking. In the storyline he was the ruler of a planet where authority was decided by physical strength and he sure looks the part. With his huge axe, his fangs and his extra heads, he ensures that the legend..will never die.

That's it for dragons. Next time, we'll be taking to the skies. See you then!

you forgot BW2 Galvatron. He's got a nifty dragon mode too.

olokin wrote:you forgot BW2 Galvatron. He's got a nifty dragon mode too.

D'oh! I meant to include him too. Oh well.

And that (admittedly mediocre) dragon minicon from Classics was ignored, too?

Valandar wrote:And that (admittedly mediocre) dragon minicon from Classics was ignored, too?

But you can't ignore him, because he's got a $1000 repaint - Dragoyell.

Valandar wrote:

I own a cat, and she's a wonderfull little furball. And the closest living relative to the T-Rex is the chicken, which isn't so awesome. Cats win.

Except, I don't believe in evolution, so that doesn't apply But still even when it's Sabre toothed Tiger VS T-Rex, I'd say T-Rex is cooler.


Back on topic, WOAH! Dragons for the next, awesome choice, I had no idea half of those even existed..ok this definitely redeems motorcycles over T-rex completely.

Time for the teens:

#19: The Birds

It's finally time for me to give you the bird. The bird in question is:


"Hitchcock was an optimist."

Laserbeak. Admittedly his brother Buzzsaw probably came first (if only by a small margin) but we all know Laserbeak's the king. Lemme check my Transfodex...


"A wild FEAROW appeared!"

Laserbeak is a powerful Transformer with several powerful attacks, including FLOATY GUN, LASER EYE and SHOOT MUTHALOVIN' OPTIMUS PRIME OFF A CLIFF WITHOUT EVEN TRYING. His favourite habitat is the arm of whoever leads the Decepticons at the moment, or Soundwave's chest. Even the most powerful trainers should attempt caution when trying to catch this Transformer.

Laserbeak is on the Uber tier and cannot be used in regular competitive play.

Seriously. Laserbeak had a whole book dedicated to him (Laserbeak's Fury), once took down Optimus, if directly responsible for most of the victories the Decepticons had and basically hangs on the arm of the mightiest Decepticon around. He basically is the Deception Matrix Of Being A Badass.

A Buzzsaw is fine too, I guess.


"Finally, a vast predatory bird. Wonder how well he hangs in the sky."

Divebomb is a G1 Predacon. That's +10 cool points right there. He also carries the orange, red, yellow and black colour scheme of the team off well, being mostly black with huge orange and black wings. That's +5. His toy bio makes him a pretty well-developed character: He's a genuinely happy and merry guy unlike the misanthropes and psychopaths that make up his fellow 'cons. He enjoys making mecha-nests (ie batchelor pads) in high places and chilling out. That's +10. In the comics, he had a rivalry with Swoop, whose original name he stole. This led to the Dinobots and the Predacons ending up in a massive brawl. That's, like +20. All in all, Divebomb is so cool that he makes Jazz look awkward and uncomfortable.

I've gone on about the Terrorcons before, and this is almost the last time, I swear. But the one who looks most like a regular animal rather than some fearsome bestial alien is Cutthroat. Sadly there's no pictures in the gallery but this guy resembles a vulture. He's no scavenger though; his profile paints him as a lunatic fighter so bloodcrazed that it even disturbs his fellow 'Cons.


"Wait, Punch thinks that whole "Counterpunch" thing works!?"

Wingspan and Pounce were the Decepticon twins. The idea here was that they had identical robot modes but different alt modes to fool the enemy (their different weapons and little badges revealing their alt modes probably didn't help here). The upshot of this was that Pounce turned into a fairly good puma while Wingspan turned into a broad-chested, tiny-winged eagle. D'oh!


Three birdies joined the bad guys in 1988:

"This is my friend, Snuffleupagus!"


"I don't know why, but every third song on this mixtape is "I Believe I Can Fly". Weird."



Why are all these birds bad guys? This is a common theme up until Beast Wars. Either way, Flamefeather is almost as cool as Cindersaur from the last entry, and Squawktalk is a triple-changer, able to transform into a bird, a tape, or a pair of legs. Doubledealer (Sir Not-appearing-in-this-entry) was either a heroic robot or yep, an evil bird. I don't own the figure but his double Powermaster gimmick is pretty neat.


Good luck not seeing this in your nightmares.

One of the Pretender Monsters, Birdbrain had this as his shell. Enough people clamour for a Monstructor remake, maybe it'll happen!

I'm going to skip Sights and go onto the Beast Wars:


"I'm Silverbolt. Not that one. No, not that Silverbolt either."

Unlike in G1, most of the birds here were goodies. The first Silverbolt in BW was this wide-winged eagle dude. He had pretty simple colours but it looked good. He could use his feathers as swords, or fire them as missiles from his wing tips. He also formed the chest and comedy hat of Magnaboss.


"I'm a man in Japan!"

Airazor was made at a time when the Beast Wars line kept pumping out hits. She (it turned out that she was a she) was very posable, had neat features like flapping wings and a talon gun. In the show she was kind of a hippy and bummed around with Tigatron instead of doing anything useful. For shame! She also had a Transmetal figure that had sort-of boobies and turned into sort-of a seaplane.


"Well, I'm an embarrassment to both birds and dinosaurs."

This guy was released in Japan first, then repainted as one of the Beast Era Dinobots. He's a pretty ugly customer in both modes but he has little wing bombs and his robot mode is unique, to say the least.


"I wanted to stay as a jet. Can you blame me?"

Silverbolt (no, not that Silverbolt) went evil for a while in Beast Machines, and came back emo with a moustache. Like most of the BM beasts, he looks terrible.

To finish off with, since I won't hear the end of it if I skip another minicon, there was a bird minicon, and he was repainted as various guys including tiny Shattered Glass Divebomb:


"I'm noteworthy!"

Were there really no birds between BM Silverbolt and this guy? Am I missing someone?

Anyway, that's it for this entry. I'd like to share with you a brief anecdote about the movie The Birds. I watched it and despite the weak effects it kept me on the edge of my seat in suspense. Until the very end, where the heroes are walking safely away from the hungry beady-eyed masses. We, the viewer overhear the radio talking about the violent birds and how to avoid them. The radio then mentions that the roads have been blocked.

That's it for beast modes...for a while anyway. From next time, it'll be good old fashioned machinery.

Armada Laserbeak

Shadowhawk and Shadowhawk Cosmos Type from Energon/Superlink

Cybertron Soundwave's Laserbeak

Razorclaw0000 wrote:Armada Laserbeak

Shadowhawk and Shadowhawk Cosmos Type from Energon/Superlink

Cybertron Soundwave's Laserbeak

Who can forget that cool Laserbeak...no not the weird orange camcorder/gun thing.

I'm talking about the cool Bomb Hawk minicon of Cybertron Soundwave.

Not only was his transformation cool, he was quite poseable for such a small figure, and he turned into a hexagonal canister bomb.

A great little sub line of canister figures could have been born (Kind of like RockLords meet Casseticons), but Hasbro decided to only release the one mold.

Because everybody knows that the bird is the word.

Mkall wrote:Because everybody knows that the bird is the word.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WNrx2jq184[/youtube]

Heheh, you had to say "like a vast predatory bird" my brother and I have been making people think we're weird for days by randomly saying that, go birds!(because everyone knows that---yeah you get it)

Of all of them I have to say the freakish Archeopteryx guy is my favorite.

Doubledealer's bird mode is awesome, big and nicely articulated.

Really? I hadn't heard about the word.

On a side note, I just noticed there's a Kremzeek emoticon!

Wow, I can't believe I had such a bird-shaped, Unicron Trilogy sized brainfart!

Anyhyew, on with the list:

#18: Tanks

I should point out two things before I start. Firstly, I use a sliding scale of accuracy that I'm going to employ here. This is how the scale works:

A) Transformers with licensed Alt Modes, or Alt Modes that are slightly modified but look uncannily (but unactionably) similar to actual real vehicles.

B) Alt Modes that are based on no specific real life vehicle, but that look realistic enough that your average Spike on the street wouldn't be able to tell the difference from A

C) Alt Modes that look like they might possibly be a real thing, albeit some kind of experimental model or prototype.

D) Alt Modes that look nothing like a real vehicle at all.

So for example, Bayformer Starscream would be A, G1 Windsweeper would be B, G1 Jetfire (toy version) would be C and G1 Triggerhappy would be D. For the sake of this entry, I will be covering A and B, possibly C, but not D. That means no H-Tanks or Hovertanks. I'm sorry.

The other thing is that I'm aiming to get through the whole entry without any jokes in the "Tanks=Thanks" genre. If you like, you can sponsor me. Let's begin:


"I'm just BOOM going to POW 7/11. Does anyone WHAMMY need anything?"

Warpath is a pretty cool guy (eh shots down Deceptipons and doesn't afraid of anything) even though he sounds like he's suffering from a highly specialised form of coprolalia. He was one of the Minibots, which sadly made him far smaller than many of the carformers that made up his comrades. His toy is pretty neat, with a flip-up hatch/head and a big gun extending from his chest which, according to his bio, he likes to polish whenever he gets a chance. If it gets scratched, he cries a river.


"I found a facebook quiz: "Which Blitzwing are you?". Well, I once made a football coach be my tactical commander, and I threatened Galvatron's life. Hmm, it says I'm "Random"."

Blitzwing is a cool toy, and a cooler character. In the comics he was nothing special, but in the cartoons he was amazing. He, working with Astrotrain, managed to trick Starscream into trapping both himself and Megatron in ice, making them joint leaders of the Decepticons. Blitzwing then proceeded to build a base, cause a reign (and rain) of terror and defeat five Autobots easily. Astrotrain made some trains go back and forth, and accidentally freed Megatron. It ended in a Decepticon battle royale.

Later on, when Megatron became Galvatron and got thrown out of Unicron by Rodimus (nice names, Hasbro), the Quintessons tried to lure the leaderless Decepticons into working for them. Blitzwing was the only one who thought anything was fishy about this. After that, when he discovered the Quintesson's true plan he saved the whole Transformer race by alerting Rodimus who saved the day. When an ungrateful Galvatron turned his cannon on Rodimus, Blitzwing threatened to shoot him in the head. Blitzwing got banished from the Decepticons, refused to joined the Autobots due to his pride and walked out of the cartoon and into fanfic forever.

Hmm...did the writer own only this figure? The figure, incidentally, is great, turning from a cool heavily-armed plane to a tank to a decent robot. Done.


"This cannon was used only once, to stop William Shatner from releasing any more albums."

Blitzwing also got eHobbied into a cool black and white Quintesson drone with the unfortunate name Overcharge.


"YO DAWG I HEARD YOU LIKE SHOOTING SO WE PUT A CANNON ON YOUR CANNON SO YOU CAN SHOOT WHILE YOU SHOOT"

One of the Combaticons, Brawl is noisy and rambunctious. He's a nice enough figure but he loses points for being the only Combaticon who can't use his vehicle mode weapon in robot mode.


"Your head's off!"
"'Tis but a flesh wound."

Iceman's gotta be the stupidest X-man. Why? 'Cos his name's right there, anyone who's gonna fight him knows to bring a flamethrower, some crampons and a lumberjacket. He should call himself Fireman, or Luke Warm, or something. Then he'd have the element of surprise.

Flywheels has the right idea, by not actually having wheels. Well played.


"Whenever there's a carboot sale, a second hand store or a thrift shop, I'll be there."

Guzzle was a low-priced figure with the ability to blow sparks from, well, his behind. I guess he can fire both ways. Finding him is easy, finding him in good nick is the hard part.


In your dreams, that carefully-wrapped birthday present was Nightbeat. In truth, it was this guy. Or Ruckus.

Hey, remember Double Targetmasters? I sure don't!

These guys came with two zero-articualtion Nebulans who became guns. Generally they weren't great but Quake had the cool feature where his tank turret gun could be replaced by one of the Targetmasters.


"Remember when you saw me on the shelf and said "Pretenders are dumb"? And then Furman got his hands on me."

Bludgeon was one of the Small Pretenders of 1989. These guys had less obtuse transformations than their brethren of the previous year, and even weirder outer shells. If you were a child at the time, you'd be forgiven for ignoring these guys on the shelves. Now you need to mortage your X-Box just to get one.

I don't have much to say about this guy. He's a little three-tone tank in a ludicrous halloween costume. If only someone would update him...


Because Fort Max likes playing with Transformer toys as much as full size people do.

None of the Battle patrol technically count as tanks but three of them are almost tanks. I won't tell them if you don't.


Able to terrorise your toes.

Bombshock, however, is a tank. Unfortunately, the later Micromaster sets were difficult to obtain in my neck of the woods so (*sob*) I never owned this guy...

...

...if you want to sponsor me with Micromasters, that's cool.

I won't mention Megatron's brief flirtation with Tankdom in his ActionMaster stage, so let's look at:


"If you want a vision of the future, imagine a figure being repainted - forever"

Due to legal issues, Megatron's carefree gun days were behind him. From now on, he'd be a tank. His G2 toys epitomise the nineties with their bright colours and totally X-treme stickers. In the comics he was a badass, in reality he just looked bizarre. He was destined to be repainted as Bludgeon and Megastorm in later serieseses.

Unfortunately, Armada featured only type D tanks, whether it was Megatron's H-Tank, Demolisher's whatever, or that Minicon. Energon had the Bruticus limbs, and Cybertron Unicron? I don't even know what was happening there. Forget the Unicron Trilogy (also a phrase you may hear a lot on this list).


Pictured: Perfectly preserved realism.

Universe Galvatron is a much-maligned figure, fairly reasonably so. He was allegedly supposed to be a voyager but got downsized to deluxe, which not only made him smaller than Megatron but also made him so fiddley that his limbs would often be catapaulted into space mid translation.

The Henkei-verse features Galvatron as a psychotic alter ego that Megatron temporarily becomes if he eats enough energon. Pretty cool.


Too bad "Devastator" died before he got to meet Devastator.

Bayformer Brawl is pretty neat. He didn't exactly have much of a character but he managed to stay in the final battle of the 2007 movie for a while and still has a lot of fans even after dying.

But this has all really been leading up to one guy:


"Hi, I'm Bludgeon. You may have seen me in such works as "End Of The Road" and "Slightly Earlier In This Entry"."

Sometimes, you transform a figure just once and know it's going to be one of the figures of the year, if not the figure of the year. Universe Cyclonus, Alternity Convoy, ROTF Prime, Universe Onslaught, Universe Jetfire and Masterpiece Convoy have all been in the running in recent years, but ROTF Bludgeon may well be the one of the moment. His tank mode, though unspectacular is heavily-armed and realistic, his robot mode plays around with the whole skeletal samurai theme well, and he has tons of fun features, such as his two swords and his glorious unfolding wakizashi holster/sheath. Done.

That's it for this entry. Please assume that any tanks I missed (eg. Hardhead) get the same amount of love, but weren't quite real enough for this entry.

Next time:

"Arrrrrrrggggh!"
"Arrrrrrrggggh!"
"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggh!"
"...."
"Not joining us in the "aaaaargggggh"s?"

Tanks for reading!

...

GODDAMNIT!!!

Please don't ever end this list. It's a really fun read, I like your style.

Now then: Movie Leader Brawl is all that is good and awesome about TF tanks. His alt mode is realistic, huge, detailed, and has good play value. His robot mode is gushing with weapons. My fave tank.

Close second would be G2 Leader Megatron, the neon-green thing. Tank mode is nice enough, robot mode is OK for its time, but the rapid-fire cannon makes him the best projectile-firing TF I own, I'm glad I found one w/ all the missiles. I usually disable the launchers or remove the missiles from TFs, as they usually get in the way or detract from the look. Not here- the missiles store in a magazine and the pull-and-fire action is so much fun, it actually makes me feel a little embarassed for being an almost-40-year-old sitting on the floor shooting at stuff with a toy tank.

Tanks is a good choice, keep em comin!
I personally think movie Brawl was better than ROTF Bludgeon but I...don't..have...Bludgeon, so I can't talk on the matter.

Great list, i'm really enjoying it, especially the commentary. I would like to go ahead and put in my vote for best alt mode ever. You know Sports Label Megatron/Convoy/Magnus is the best thought out and most functional TF alt mode in history.

Yet another huge Energon/Cybertron sized hole in your list - the Anti-Aircraft tank mode of the Energon Brutacus Maximus mold, plus if a certain micromaster made the list then Cybertron Defense Scattershot (and all their repaints) surely should!

nice list, but you left out Armada Crumplezone and the Universe tank minicon.
While I do like Classics Warpath for his bot mode, I can understand your desire not to include "D" type tanks.

plus, Demolishor isn't a tank, he's a self-propelled anti-aircraft weapons emplacement.

The greatest Alt mode of all time........ A tape deck! Think about it ton of troops in your chest. Awesome at getting stupid fleshlings to carry you into the enemies main base. You can play music, and you can change size! Take that pretender shell (even though that is kind of not technically an alt. mode)

GEEWUN wrote:The greatest Alt mode of all time........ A tape deck! Think about it ton of troops in your chest. Awesome at getting stupid fleshlings to carry you into the enemies main base. You can play music, and you can change size! Take that pretender shell (even though that is kind of not technically an alt. mode)

Yannow, he isn't anywhere near done yet. He might get there in a few, yer jumping the gun! And Megatron and Shockwave don't like being jumped!

GEEWUN wrote:The greatest Alt mode of all time........ A tape deck!

QFT!

Valandar wrote:Yet another huge Energon/Cybertron sized hole in your list - the Anti-Aircraft tank mode of the Energon Brutacus Maximus mold, plus if a certain micromaster made the list then Cybertron Defense Scattershot (and all their repaints) surely should!

As much as I like mobile missile bays I made a decision not to include them. The Battle Patrol (minus Sunrunner) are all near tanks (particularly Sidetrack) so I thought "what the hell" and included them.

I would have included Hardhead (he's awesome), the Cybertron Defense Team (I love their origin story) and especially Universe Onslaught, but if I run around trying to include everyone I'm gonna burn myself out on this list before I even reach halfway.

Mkall wrote:

RK_Striker_JK_5 wrote:Nice. Rail Racer's gotta be one of the best combiners in TF history.

He's got my vote for one.

+2 over here, how bout that new prime/train figure???