The Energon Pub

optimus:this ends here megatron!

narrator:soundwave transforms and flys off.

optimus:no.......

sideswipe:optimus,should we return to iacon.

optimus:yes,we are wounded.we shall return to the base.

narrator:we are at the predacon base,megatron is rebiult and announcing his new plan...

megatron:all predacons listen up!
i, megatron have detected a new planet rich with energon..

rumble:how much?

megatron:enough to feul an army!

all predacons:!lets go!

narrator:back at autobot command base,iacon the autobots are finished bieng repaired,and are talking to eachother.

optimus:prowl,what's the status on the predacons.

prowl:no activity for now.

optimus:ok,now sunstreaker,sideswipe ready the spacebridge.

both:why?

optimus:i am picking up some high energon readings from a nearby planet.

prowl:well,what are we waiting for?lets go

optimus:right,autobots transform and roll out!

narrator:the autobots and predacons are on the planet.

rumble:where are we?

soundwave:we.are.on.an.uncharted.planet.in.an.uninhabited.area.

megatron:we must find energon!

optimus:predacons!autobots,attack!

a large nuclear explosion happens

optimus:uhhh...anyone still alive?

megatron:i am prime!

narrator:megatron blasts optimus.

optimus:shield on.

megatron:you can't hold it forever, prime

sideswipe:your right...

sunstreaker:he doesn't!

narrator:they combine into sidestreaker!
sidestreaker picks up a large boulder and chucks it at megatron.

sidestreaker:prime,release your shield.

optimus:right.

narrator:the autobots have destroyed the autobots,or have they....

voice:mmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeggggggaaaaaaaaatttttttttttrrrrrrooooooooooonnn!

megatron:huh?

voice:wwwweeeelllccccoommmme,mmmeeeeeeegggggaaaaaaaaattttttrrrrrrooon!

megatron:who are you?

voice:iiiiiiiii aaaaaaaammmmmmm uuuuuuuuuuunnnnnniiiiiiiicccccccrrrrrrrrrrooooooonnn!

megatron:unicron?

unicron:yyyyyyyyeeeeeeeessssssss!

megatron:why?


to be continued......

so guys,thats 2/10 and nobody has commented.why?someone give me an explination for it.




viewtopic.php?f=9&t=39978

link for ep.1

Yep, you posted this in the wrong forum.

Other than that, wasn't very good. Not a bad start, but needs a lot of work, and proof reading.

Senor Hugo wrote:Yep, you posted this in the wrong forum.

Other than that, wasn't very good. Not a bad start, but needs a lot of work, and proof reading.

well,i am open for suggestions.so,any thoughts?
btw,what should i improve on

primeoptimus wrote:

Senor Hugo wrote:Yep, you posted this in the wrong forum.

Other than that, wasn't very good. Not a bad start, but needs a lot of work, and proof reading.

well,i am open for suggestions.so,any thoughts?
btw,what should i improve on

Improve on everything. Honestly if 10 was a top score, I'd give it a 1.5

Take nothing I say as an insult, you do have potential, but you gotta work at it.

First figure out what kind of medium your writing is trying to be. Is it a script for a radio program, a general fiction story, a tv script, a comic script, etc?

Secondly describe what is actually going on. I mean, where are they fighting? I see no description, so to anyone who didn't read the first episode would assume they must be fighting in some random white void of nothing.

Seriously, descriptions are good. Instead of "narrator:we are at the predacon base,megatron is rebiult and announcing his new plan..." which is just terrible and bland.

You could do instead something along the lines of:

The Decepticons retreat to the Predacon base in the southern hemisphere of Cybertron near the citadel at Polyhex. Upon arriving Soundwave places Megatron in a stasis chamber to rebuild and revitalize the nearly dead leader of the Decepticons. After much rebuilding and preparation Megatron summons the Decepticons and Predacons to the ready-room inside the base, where he reveals his new plan.

While not perfect, something this descriptive which took little effort to come up with, is vastly superior over the narrator saying "ok this happened now."

Another thing, get rid of the narrator entirely. Go with more description and dialog to fill in the blanks instead of a narrator leading the reader through on a leash.

What happened to Megatron upon returning to the Predacon base, what took place while he was being repaired? What were the Autobots doing during this time? Who was in charge of the Decepticons during all of this? Did anyone try to stage a coup to try and take over the Decepticons?

It's questions like that, that should be asked to give any story more depth and make it all around more satisfying.

Another thing, spellcheck, write out your story in wordpad or Microsoft Word or something, then when making the post paste it over.

Senor Hugo wrote:

primeoptimus wrote:

Senor Hugo wrote:Yep, you posted this in the wrong forum.

Other than that, wasn't very good. Not a bad start, but needs a lot of work, and proof reading.

well,i am open for suggestions.so,any thoughts?
btw,what should i improve on

Improve on everything. Honestly if 10 was a top score, I'd give it a 1.5

Take nothing I say as an insult, you do have potential, but you gotta work at it.



First figure out what kind of medium your writing is trying to be. Is it a script for a radio program, a general fiction story, a tv script, a comic script, etc?

Secondly describe what is actually going on. I mean, where are they fighting? I see no description, so to anyone who didn't read the first episode would assume they must be fighting in some random white void of nothing.

Seriously, descriptions are good. Instead of "narrator:we are at the predacon base,megatron is rebiult and announcing his new plan..." which is just terrible and bland.

You could do instead something along the lines of:

The Decepticons retreat to the Predacon base in the southern hemisphere of Cybertron near the citadel at Polyhex. Upon arriving Soundwave places Megatron in a stasis chamber to rebuild and revitalize the nearly dead leader of the Decepticons. After much rebuilding and preparation Megatron summons the Decepticons and Predacons to the ready-room inside the base, where he reveals his new plan.

While not perfect, something this descriptive which took little effort to come up with, is vastly superior over the narrator saying "ok this happened now."

Another thing, get rid of the narrator entirely. Go with more description and dialog to fill in the blanks instead of a narrator leading the reader through on a leash.

What happened to Megatron upon returning to the Predacon base, what took place while he was being repaired? What were the Autobots doing during this time? Who was in charge of the Decepticons during all of this? Did anyone try to stage a coup to try and take over the Decepticons?

It's questions like that, that should be asked to give any story more depth and make it all around more satisfying.

Another thing, spellcheck, write out your story in wordpad or Microsoft Word or something, then when making the post paste it over.

thanks,i will now go retype it now.
stay tuned for the remade ep.1

transtech ep. 1 mark 2 is up now, you can look for it under this link-



viewtopic.php?f=9&t=40048

'Sidestreaker' is hilarious! She's a minor celebrity who wears a very revealing dress at a function. From the side, it looks like she's almost naked. This appears on TV and then Ned Flanders (Simpsons) calls the sideboob hotline. He's outraged!