WarPorn News Network: Absolutely in no way responsible for the log wipe, and you cant prove anything.Good evening, adoring fans!
Tonight we will be covering new advances in
technology, a development in the
Senate that very few saw coming, and the third round of the
Campaign for Cybertron ends abruptly, but more on that later.
The top news of the day is the Decepticon jailbreak attempt over in Iacon, which is defended by the indomitable Jack Hallows. We can now bring you this exclusive update.
Decepticon reports arriving in from Iacon tell of a sad tale. Jack Hallows and his Howling Wreckage, famous for winning against all odds, appear to have achieved another great victory as the Decepticon assaulting forces have been forced to pull back against the entrenched Autobot defences.
All is not lost for the attackers though, it is believed that an elite strike team led by Gore was still able to breach the captured Decepticon commanders cells and under heavy fire Codenames: Mayhem and The ‘Opper have been recovered, unconscious and in once case partially eaten, but alive.
This can hardly be classed as a victory for the attacking forces though, as Iacon remains undefeated and the Autobots manage to achieve a much deserved win in their Campaign to liberate Cybertron.
Victory goes to the Howling Wreckage!
An unexpected yet none-the-less impressive victory by the Autobots there. Sadly, the story is very different over in Kaon, where the Autobot forces were trying to break out three of their better known commanders, we take you over to nameless drone #2 for the details...
Well, Zombi, we would
love to bring you footage of the Autobot assault on Kaon, but it appears that upon their arrival the cells were empty. All we appear to have is the image of an open door, a half eaten plate of food and a complete absence of Codename: Martian, The Conspirator and Autobot 300.
Hold on, were getting images of them now… it appears all three are in the Darkmount bar drinking with... Senator Sustain and Thundertron?? I think it’s safe to say that these Autobots will likely be freed very shortly, although they may end up with a
humongous bar tab.
Victory goes to... uh... eh, **** it. It appears no one won, as the central core of the mission computer has been wiped, so we have no clue who did
anything in this battle now. Primus along knowsn whats going on... we're still awaiting an announcement from those lazy bastards in the Senate about what happened, and why nobody is talking about the the fact that there is a BRAND NEW MOON in orbit over Cybert-
Oh, we appear to have *ahem* lost our connection there. I'm sure we'll find out all about that later...
they bought that, right?But the good news is, all the prisoners are now FREE!!
And Now an Update from the Senate.
The Autobot release happened not a moment too soon, as a decision has been passed down to us from the members of the Senate, having decreed that their number is to
increase.
Having demonstrated their abilities in the Heavy Metal Wars and their talent in dealing with the rowdy peasantry who frequent the seedier regions of Cybertron, the new appointment has been made in the form of
A Maximal commander fighting under the Autobot banner, her promotion is said to be effective immediately. I managed to catch up with her persoanlly to find out her opinion on the new appointment, and what she knew about it before it came into effect...
To be honest, Zombi, I wasn’t aware there were going to be additions to the Senate
at all before receiving the message from Senator
Burn! Clearly a balance was needed, apparently somehow, and so I was offered the position. Regardless, It’s a great honor to be here!
While I was writing a mission statement for all the good I plan to do for the advancement of the community, however, Burn was busy breaking the HMW master computer further. Until a time that I can be added to this computer, the mission statement will have to wait in exchange for a shiny new stick to be placed somewhere when the rowdy peasantry decides to act up. Until then, I thank you and will do what I can!
So, congratulations Wingz, HMW's newest Senator (and staff member)! We wish her all the luck she can possibly get, shes going to **** need it!
And now...
Technology News
doo de doo de deee!
...and thanks to the hard work of
Xenos Prime, our boffins have been down in the basement piecing together the technology upgrade components gained over the last few battles to finally bring you a weapon that that we believe will excite even the cold-blooded alien killer within you...
Feast your optics on WarPorn’s own little baby Sharkticon (winner of ‘Cutest Robopet’ in the RDD annual ‘Spammies’ awards 2018) who has been modelling
a new prototype that we’re sure will get you all hot and bothered. For the details we take you now to
Mal Practice down in the uh, sciencey-type rooms...
GET THE **** OUT OF MY LABS!!
Ah. Well I guess you’ll just have to wait and see what our new upgrade is like on the battlefield!
Soon to be on general release for the bargain price of €30,000, the Atomic Fire Breath upgrade is available exclusively from the weapons shop. It requires a large degree of firepower but only a minimal amount of skill to use, so that every time you talk to someone you
can bathe them in the warm radioactive embrace of devastating flaming destruction.Atomic Fire Breath™: like a kiss from a really pissed off dragon
Available in the Weapon Shop any minute now!
Well, there you go. Round 3 has ended with a Decepticon victory, but the Autobots fight back has never been fiercer. What will the next round hold for us, and what has caused all of the battle data to be mysteriously erased from all of our mission computers?
And forget everything you heard about the new moon-thing, I'm sure the news drone was just malfunctioning or something and its all complete coincidence...Tune in to our next broadcast, when we will try to answer these questions, and more.
[ Click to attempt signal recovery... ]
