HMW: Frontline Vol.1 Issue 2
Reporting from Hell's Front LineThis is Kamjiin, HMW: Frontline's War Correspondant, reporting to you from the front lines of the Great War. For our incredible second issue, we took the time to sit down with one of the, how shall we say, more eccentric soldiers in the field:
King Idiot of the Ineptibots. This interview was the most taxing experience of my life to say the least. I hope you all find it as maddening as I did.
Kamjiin: First let me say thank you for taking the time for this interview, King Idiot.
King Idiot: No problem. Always willing to lend a hand to someone who’ll misquote me in print. Especially when I'm drunk.
Kamjiin: How does one go from garden variety Idiot to King Idiot? Is there a training process, or is it natural selection?
King Idiot: Everyone asks that question. The idiot diploma on my cubicle wall and the crown really turn on the ladies.
First of all, I didn't really know there were different levels of idiocy until Rumble called me a low-grade idiot.
But the garden variety of idiots, with their hoes and soil mulchers and lawnmowers.... Come to think of it, I really oughta attach a soil mulcher to my head.
Back to the question, being crowned king of the idiots is quite an accomplishment. I had to prove something no other idiot could... like tripping over footprints and... shooting my load... in the... wrong.... This is making me look worse and worse, isn’t it?
I said "shooting my load."
Kamjiin: Longnose Semi's are all the rage right now. Why do you stay with that retro flatnose?
King Idiot: Mosh Mobile smacked me in the face once. That's why I'm flatnosed. He told me there was a fly on me, but I know the real reason: My brilliant smile was blinding him. That gold tooth capper, y'know.
Kamjiin: Exactly how much devastation can a one mech wrecking crew such as yourself lay down?
King Idiot: Lots. Especially after a few beers. One wrong step and--BOOM!--devastation gets laid down on a hotel or multilevel parking lot at the mercy of my grinding, stumbling heel. And, quite unfortunately, humans tend to be underfoot a lot. One-mech wrecking crew, though? I devastate the likes of which *three* or *four* mechs have never seen.
Ask me again when I'm making sense.
Kamjiin: Do you Powerlink? If so, what kind of minicon(s) do you prefer?
King Idiot: Is that, like, a Pokemon thing? That's a really confusing two-syllable word. I'm going to assume it means "Kicking the crap out of anything that moves," so... No, not really. Actually, I Powerlink quite rarely. Unless it has something to do with binge drinking or stuffing Twinkies in my grill, usually bots Powerlink me.
And Minicons? I usually try to see how many I can stuff up my nose. A little trick I learned from Slag Factory. It's a real surprise for anyone in front of you when you have to sneeze.
I said "Powerlink me."
Kamjiin: When you fight, do you just cut loose or do you try to gain and maintain a strategic advantage?
King Idiot: Cut loose, but that takes a few tons of beans first. And it's always a one-shot deal. After that, it's more like rapid-fire BBs. Don’t try to do a half-and-half blast, either. That never works out.
Kamjiin: Do you agree with the way Optimus Prime is prosecuting the war, or would you handle it differently
King Idiot: Who's prosecuting what now? Look, I don't know pretend to know trivial details like who's running what or what's commanding whom or what direction I'm firing in, but if there's optimal prime beef, I want in on this barbecue.
Kamjiin: How much time do you plan on spending in the new colliseum once it is completed?
King Idiot: None. If Maximus Colliseumotronicus is anything like Trypticon, I'm not gonna be able to understand a word he says. I just hope, when he sits, he does it on some other continent. He's a heavy sort, you know.
Kamjiin: With whom is you most heated rivalry and why?
King Idiot: I'd like to think my most heated rivalry is with the air conditioner at the Inepti-lot. I swear, either that thing is stuck on 'broiling' or it's just trying to piss me off. More than likely, it's trying to piss me off.
Or maybe with the tax department. They still owe me $3 for charitable contributions.
Kamjiin: Would you rather blast an enemy to bits or choke the spark out of him?
King Idiot: Choke the spark out of him. How, you ask? See question 6, mix in a little plutonium from the time traveling Doc Brown Delorean (that thing is on our side now, you know) and you have a winning combination.
I said, "mix in a little plut--" Wait, that's not suggestive at all.
Kamjiin: Any tactical advice for the rooks out there?
King Idiot: Yeah. Whenever your Energon recipe calls for eight cups of unleaded, substitute for the low-fat eight cups of ethanol.
You said "culinary advice," right?
Kamjiin: (crushes microphone) Cut, Cut, this interview is over...I can't take this anyomore. Get me outta here.
Let's get some perspective on what things look like in the field right now:Anonymous Decepticon 14: "That dumb Autobot's still holed up in the cineplex. We tried to tell him that Optimus Prime called a retreat, but every time we get near the place he starts blasting! Hey, Bloodthirst, get Starscream on the horn and get us an airstrike on that scraplet".
Anonymous Autobot 32: "I've never had an airstrike called in on me before. Is that worse than a demerit?"
In other news today: The construction of the new colliseum is in full swing. We asked Omega Sentinel, the architect and structural engineer of the complex what he had in store, and the project is a prodigious one.
Omega Sentinel: "Well... The one thing Cybertron needs during wartime is something to take sentients minds off of the conflict. There are plans in place to bring back competitive sports on Cybertron. The Colliseum is only the beginning.
Cybertronian athletes used to acquire many different perks from winning competitions before the Great War. Hopefully the glory of competition will return for the more ambitious soldiers in the Great War".
According to the newsscrolls in the archives, the Decepticons are currently los...being denied tactical advantage in the pits. We asked Decepticon Supreme Commander, Megatron how this could possibly happen!?
Megatron: "If we don't let these wretched Autobots win a few matches, they'll stop coming to the pits. It's a pity they fall so easily, or else we'd NEVER have to hold back"
There is currently a shortage of Combat Medics on the frontlines. We asked Commander Tammuz why combat medics are vital to the war effort?
Tammuz: "The main point in combat is to make sure the enemy dies before you, with this in mind we can assign both sides an amount of life (L, Le for the enemy or La for the allies) when one sides L=0 they have lost. Each side can either hand out Damage(D) or Repair(R), R will be greater than D if Endurance (E), is greater than 5, and Strength (S) is equal to Intelligence (I), the rate of R is around a third of of the rate of D, so therefore if E<5, I=S, then La will decrease at a rate equal to 2/3Le, thus assuring that Le=0 prior to La=0.
It's not rocket science."
Do your part for the Great War! Become a Combat Medic and save lives! Visit your nearest Decepticon Army Recruiting Office and learn more TODAY!
Shock Blasted- by Grimsqueaker
Letters to the EditorDear Frontline,
Ah find yer "magerzine" totally offensive and biased towards Autobots. Ya'll better hope Primus has mercy on ya, cause if'n Ah catch ya on the field, Ah won't! Ah hope yer "magerzine" goes down in flames like all Decepticreeps.
Ironhide
We try to include something for everyone, but I guess there's just no pleasing some sentients.
Thank you for choosing HWM: Frontline. We hope you enjoyed our second issue. Please join us for our next exciting issue. I'm Kamjiin, your Frontline War Correspondant, dedicated to reporting Honest and Accurate stories from the front lines of the Great War.
Today we'd like to close with this public service message:"Attention all Cybertronians,
Interrogative: Do any of the mighty transformers in your squadron perceive they are invincible? Do these mechanoids refuse to enter the CR Chamber after an engagement? Do they, in the crude parlance of more unrefined sentients, 'Ironbot'?
Analysis: Even if you outnumber your opponents by a mean ratio of two to one, the so called 'Ironbot' has a 42.9786679259% chance to still bring about an unequivocal defeat irregardless of the skill, tactical prowess and combat capabilities your unit may posess.
Conclusion: 'Ironbotting' is a most unwise course of action for any sentient. Most particularly for the noble and statistically superior Decepticon Faction.
Also, note that the above rendition is not accurate by any definition of the word. Ignore this incongruous piece.
That is all".
Corrections: Last week we made some errors. I know it's shocking, but even we aren't perfect.
We reported that Damocles would respond. While this is true, we all expected something more in depth.
Damocles: "Sorry d00d...im relly buried in work right now"
We here at HMW: Frontline pride ourselves on Honesty and Accuracy. And while we found his communications etiquette a little lacking, we respect his right to let everyone think he is a coward and a monster, and we apologize for any misconceptions we may have fostered in our readers.
Also, our Autobot readers have requested that we refrain from using the loaded terms winning/losing and instead use the more politically correct terms: gained/were denied tactical advantage.
Editorial:Well, my younger brother moved out of my parents home a couple of years ago. It finally looks like he's going to keep a job and not go running home. Two years ago, my grandmother passed away. Everything she owned was in a living trust for my parents, including her condiminuim.
Between the taxes on the house, taxes and fees on the condiminuim and all their other bills, my parents were being crushed financially. So, they decided to sell the big house they didn't need and move into the condo.
The last few months I've spent helping them pack up and move into the condo, take things to my house to be stored or to give or throw away. Friday night was the last night of the move. When we took a break for dinner, naturally we spent a lot of time discussing...well, old times.
After dinner, my Dad and I were loading trash to take to the dump. I was tired and sore and being rather ungentle with a box of my littles brother's old toys. I tossed the box and the side burst open, spilling out bits of toy detritus everywhere. At first, I was pissed-off as I eyed the mess I'd have to clean up. Then I noticed something at the bottom of the pile. It was an old Centurions Action Figure (for those of you who are old men like me and remember that cartoon), that I'd given my brother when I'd outgrown toys.
Given the already wistful mood of the earlier conversation, I started thinking of my brothers and sisters. We're spread out all over the country, and only get to see each other once every couple of years...and never all together. As I mused, the rubble shifted again and my old Blitzwing rolled out of the box. He crushed his way over the bits of ruined childhood playthings like some Heavy Metal God. The scene was quite surreal.
As I'm writing this, I'm looking at poor Blitzwing so desperately in need of repairs. It was he that inspired this column, but I wrote it for all of you. I know you love Seibertron, but take a moment to disconnect. Remember to take a moment to reconnect with what counts, call or write your family or friends. Seibertron will still be here afterwards, and you'll all be that much the better for it.
Staff: Kamjiin- Correspondant/ Editor, MamaKitty- Proofreader, Grimsqueaker- Photographer
Contributors: Me, Grimlock
Omega Sentinel
Tammuz
Whisper
Check out the first issue:
#1In the Next Issue of HMW: Frontline, we just might interview someone...
Hey...maybe I can talk her into running my cons for me. After all, she can't get to hers. 
[ Click to attempt signal recovery... ]
