The Energon Pub

Here we go again. Whenever I get the whole 'girl problem' feeling, I turn to Seibertron.com. While I'm not a geeky geeky Transformers till death nerd, I know that I'm in the same boat that most of you are. Most of you here are my elders, and I look up to all of you

For starters, I think I have some a minor case of 'major depressive disorder'. Not a case of hypochondria, I know I have a case of depression. It has slightly gone away the past few years, but it's still there. When I am happy, I feel like I'm on top of the world, and then when something slightly negative occurs, I feel like a piece of garbage. I'm never going to see a doctor, take prescription drugs, or go see a psychiatrist. This is something that I believe I can handle myself. Am I way over my head? Then hey, let me know.

I'm not really too agitated I have more mood swings than my mother's menopause, but what really puzzled me for more than a year was WHY I was depressed. I've got some bad habits. I sleep really late. I talk to my conscious alot. I know those are minor and are problems many people have. There are two things that have been bringing me down lately, my bad marks in University, and my lack of companionship on the ladyside of things. I know one is causing the other.

Let's take a look at my girl problems. I've been told more than once by friends, family and others that "You're young, you'll find the right girl then." I'm 18 years of age. I've experienced a lot of hardships in my life. I'm tired of hearing this garbage because I don't know if that's the case. I'm an impatient person at times, and I hate the feeling of being lonely. That's one thing that is causing my depression. No matter if I'm surrounded by friends or family, it's as if I am missing something. Another aspect of the girl problem that is causing my depression would have to be jealousy. Everytime I see a girl and a guy in a relationship, I just feel like I'm missing out. Whether it's be my best friend, or my siblings, or even a married a couple, I have the feeling of inferiority. It's like "Oh, what the hell are you waiting for?". Another thing has to be the pressure. Pressure from friends and family to be in a relationship. I hate how all of this is a race to the grave. I'd totally love to tell them to screw off, but we all know if that happens it appears as if I have no interest in girls.

I keep asking myself, what the hell do I have to do to get in a relationship? I haven't been in one in over 5 years and it's safe to assume that I didn't really get a good experience of what a relationship is all about. I've been myself. I've been honest, to the truth, and still there's nothing. I've lowered my standards for a try. I've even treated the relationship process like a game, and I got a big 'Game Over Try Again'. While I haven't tried everything in the book, all I know is that I've never been a dick, and will never try to appear as one. Should I be more optimistic about this? Am I the one pressuring myself? In all honesty, I can't answer those questions myself, because the process has lowered my self-esteem to the point where I have to question everything that I do.

Alright, swinging back to University. My grades have slipped like crazy. I'm not a dumb person, I think of myself as highly intelligent, as I've got this cool orange color on my username, and you're still reading what I've been writing. That has to count for something. I've been told I have no ambition, and in all honesty, duh? What do they expect from me? Like I said, I'm tired of this race to the grave. When I came into first year University I did not know what I was going to do, and after experiencing the rape fest that was first year University, the confusion of what I am going to do has hit it's maximum. I'm seriouly doubting my academic capabilities. I'm tired of heartless bastards who only care for themselves, while leaving their best friends in the dust. I don't even know if a fresh start at another University will actually benefit me because i'll just be scared to let it all happen again. Does anyone have any suggestions? Should I just put myself into something that I think I can handle, and at least get a degree?

All in all, what can I say? I honestly have no idea why Life has to bitchslap me upside down with a ruler over and over again. I'll never commit suicide, I'll never give up, and yet life itself is just so agonizing. You can compare the starving children in Africa and China to me, and say that I'm glad to at least experience life, but I'll tell you to screw off because WE all have our problems, how they've altered our lives and how we've been able/unable to overcome them. Is the world really this cruel? Will I have to deal with selfish, ignorant bastards for the rest of my life? Damnit, I can't even talk to anyone I know personally about this, because there's no one that appears to share the same problems that I have, and yet I know there are people i know who do have similar problems.

Well I'd like to congratulate you on reading these blocky paragraphs of death. This wasn't what I was expecting to write at 3:30 AM in the morning while vacationing in my summer home. I am what I am, a boy who simply lacks the courage to achieve greatness, and all I need is a point in the right direction. If you want to give me invaluable advice, then I will gladly take it. If you're going to tell me to 'stop being a little whiny crybaby', then I'll probably accept that too.

****

~Blurrz

Blurrz wrote:For starters, I think I have some a minor case of 'major depressive disorder'. Not a case of hypochondria, I know I have a case of depression. It has slightly gone away the past few years, but it's still there. When I am happy, I feel like I'm on top of the world, and then when something slightly negative occurs, I feel like a piece of garbage. I'm never going to see a doctor, take prescription drugs, or go see a psychiatrist. This is something that I believe I can handle myself. Am I way over my head? Then hey, let me know.

Right, well i'm not going to tell you whether you're in over your head or not because I dealt with depression myself.

That being said, you may not be able to deal with it yourself.

I won't tell you to turn to the prescription drugs, I did that for three days and I really didn't like the state it put me in and the psychiatrist I was meant to see disappeared so I was left to deal with it on my own.

That being said, you won't talk to a doctor or a psychiatrist but you're willing to listen to faceless people you barely know over the internet? There's no harm in talking to a doctor or a psychiatrist because to put this simply. Depression is different with everyone. I, and no doubt others, can tell you about or own cases and how we dealt with them, but we're no experts, and your case will be different to ours, having a little bit of professional advice won't hurt.

I'm not really too agitated I have more mood swings than my mother's menopause, but what really puzzled me for more than a year was WHY I was depressed. I've got some bad habits. I sleep really late. I talk to my conscious alot. I know those are minor and are problems many people have. There are two things that have been bringing me down lately, my bad marks in University, and my lack of companionship on the ladyside of things. I know one is causing the other.

Sleep late? Right, set your alarm, get up earlier in the morning and go for a walk. Or even a run. You have absoloutely no idea how much a little bit of exercise (regardless of your body shape) will do to improve your mind.

Let's take a look at my girl problems. I've been told more than once by friends, family and others that "You're young, you'll find the right girl then." I'm 18 years of age. I've experienced a lot of hardships in my life. I'm tired of hearing this garbage because I don't know if that's the case. I'm an impatient person at times, and I hate the feeling of being lonely. That's one thing that is causing my depression. No matter if I'm surrounded by friends or family, it's as if I am missing something. Another aspect of the girl problem that is causing my depression would have to be jealousy. Everytime I see a girl and a guy in a relationship, I just feel like I'm missing out. Whether it's be my best friend, or my siblings, or even a married a couple, I have the feeling of inferiority. It's like "Oh, what the hell are you waiting for?". Another thing has to be the pressure. Pressure from friends and family to be in a relationship. I hate how all of this is a race to the grave. I'd totally love to tell them to screw off, but we all know if that happens it appears as if I have no interest in girls.

First thing I see here is you seem to be concerned what other people think of how you're leading your life.

The other problem is we're living in a society where you're EXPECTED to be in a relationship. If you're not, there's apparently something wrong with you. Heaven forbid you may simply not be interested in a relationship or, you're like me, and just naturally repulse people!

I keep asking myself, what the hell do I have to do to get in a relationship? I haven't been in one in over 5 years and it's safe to assume that I didn't really get a good experience of what a relationship is all about. I've been myself. I've been honest, to the truth, and still there's nothing. I've lowered my standards for a try. I've even treated the relationship process like a game, and I got a big 'Game Over Try Again'. While I haven't tried everything in the book, all I know is that I've never been a dick, and will never try to appear as one. Should I be more optimistic about this? Am I the one pressuring myself? In all honesty, I can't answer those questions myself, because the process has lowered my self-esteem to the point where I have to question everything that I do.

Right, well first things first, I know you hate to hear it, but you're 18, you're young. You've allowed the standards set by others to filter into your brain and convince you that you need to find someone and settle down as quickly as possible.

You don't.

Live your life the way YOU want to live your life. Be comfortable with yourself, be happy with who you are. Stop giving a toss about what others think. It's YOUR life to lead YOUR way. Not theirs.

Trust me, I use to think the same way and it got to the point I hated myself, I convinced myself that I was a monster. It took years before I accepted that I am who I am and to just be me, and be as much of a good person as I can. Yes, I know i'm going to make **** ups down the track. But I don't intend to be perfect, no one can be perfect.

It worked for me, it may not work for you, but for a start, accept who you are, be comfortable with yourself.

Alright, swinging back to University. My grades have slipped like crazy. I'm not a dumb person, I think of myself as highly intelligent, as I've got this cool orange color on my username, and you're still reading what I've been writing. That has to count for something. I've been told I have no ambition, and in all honesty, duh? What do they expect from me? Like I said, I'm tired of this race to the grave. When I came into first year University I did not know what I was going to do, and after experiencing the rape fest that was first year University, the confusion of what I am going to do has hit it's maximum. I'm seriouly doubting my academic capabilities. I'm tired of heartless bastards who only care for themselves, while leaving their best friends in the dust. I don't even know if a fresh start at another University will actually benefit me because i'll just be scared to let it all happen again. Does anyone have any suggestions? Should I just put myself into something that I think I can handle, and at least get a degree?

Change your attitude in life (and take those early morning walks/runs) and your perspective regarding education may change. It may change to the point you accept that it's not your thing, or it may become your thing. Who knows. But at the moment you seem unsure about it.

All in all, what can I say? I honestly have no idea why Life has to bitchslap me upside down with a ruler over and over again. I'll never commit suicide, I'll never give up, and yet life itself is just so agonizing. You can compare the starving children in Africa and China to me, and say that I'm glad to at least experience life, but I'll tell you to screw off because WE all have our problems, how they've altered our lives and how we've been able/unable to overcome them. Is the world really this cruel? Will I have to deal with selfish, ignorant bastards for the rest of my life? Damnit, I can't even talk to anyone I know personally about this, because there's no one that appears to share the same problems that I have, and yet I know there are people i know who do have similar problems.

Life's a bitch. Plain and simple. You get knocked down, you get up again. Gain strength from those knock downs. You clearly have the right attitude about not giving up. But answer me this, do you have the strength and attitude to make changes in your life?

Because from what I see, you're just sitting back and letting it drag you down. Getting knocked down, getting up again, repeat process. Not good. Time for a change!

I am what I am, a boy who simply lacks the courage to achieve greatness,

You don't need courage. You need determination.

'stop being a little whiny crybaby',

Stop being a little whiny crybaby.

No really, change. Scary, but necessary. Do it. Do it now! Or at least when you wake up, JUST BEFORE LUNCH INSTEAD OF AT 6AM FOR YOUR EARLY MORNING WALK/RUN!

Just listen to Burn.

Let's see: I'm a girl, and I'm a problem, so I'll weigh in.

First, I agree with Burn--sleeping too much has actually been proven to make depressive people *more* depressed. Everyone needs their 8 hours a day (especially at 18!) but more than that it starts bringing you down. You don't have to run a marathon, but just going for a walk for half an hour will help. You'll be awake, and movement releases endorphins.

I totally understand the 'I want to handle this on my own' thing. I find therapists (the kind who can't prescribe meds) kind of self-defeating. First, you, probably like me, can mindf*** them if you want to and they won't catch you. Second, the whole idea of paying someone to do what a friend should do--listen to my problems and respect my perspective--that just reminds me that I don't have any friends.

The kind who can prescribe meds are a little TOO eager to do that. I teach college (more on that in a moment) and I can't tell you the number of students I deal with who are having dosage adjustment problems. One kid, it was like his entire personality was erased. Scary!

Okay, moving on: don't let the relationship thing bum you out. First of all, you'd be emitting 'desperate' vibes, which do NOT work. SEcond, if you want to be in a relationship just to be in a relationship, you will find yourself lowering your standards. Don't do that. Trust me, I'm twice your age, I've been there!

I had my first real relationship at 19. It's not a contest and there's nothing abnormal about being on your own. The thing that scares me are people like my cousin. I love my cousin, but she's one of those girls who cannot survive without being in a relationship. Like the very idea of being alone for ANY amount of time put her into a full on panic attack. Most people cannot stand being by themselves for even an hour. And I mean by themselves--no ipod, no video games, nothing. If you can do that, you're way better than most of your peers. When I get in a relationship, it's because I want to be with that person and connect on that level--NOT because society makes me feel like a freak b/c I'm not in one, or because I'm terrified of my own thoughts.

As to school, well, first of all, just about everyone screws up their first year. It's TRUE. I used to work as a transfer counselor, and I've seen thousands of transcripts from students where the first year was a firebomb. It's a big adjustment--you're on your own, tempted by so many distractions, you have very little time management (let's face it, up til university, your time was controlled for you by school, parents, etc), and the work is much harder. If you skated by before, it's sometimes a shock not to have that same stuff work now!

Please don't change your field of study to something just because you think it would be easier. Remember, your degree really sets the rest of your life. I spoke to a student the other day who wanted to be in our vet tech program. Why? Well, she really wanted to be a vet, but she thought it was too hard--she was afraid of Biochem. Is she really going to let her dream career die because of one little class?

Your school probably has tutors and if it's anything like American schools, buckets of help centers (writing center, math center, etc). Those people get paid to sit there and help students. They're not doing you a favor by helping you, they're doing their damn job! Let them help! And your professors probably have office hours--go see them. I am required to have 7 hours a week of office hours. I sit there, 7 hours a week, all by myself. Now, this gives me plenty of eBay time (and Seibertron time of course!) but I'd really much rather have a student who is struggling in my class come in and say, hey, can we go over that test I bombed? Can I show you my notes? Can you suggest a way I could study this material? (Remember, that professor was once a student too and had to learn all this stuff).

I respect the hell out of any of my students who come to me for help. I teach the Hell Course in my department--a massive linguistics course. Most of the students fail the midterm, despite my practice midterms, study tips, etc. Half the students zone out after that and just fail the course. A few freak out, come into my office, and we work together, and they end up acing the final. It takes a lot to fail something, and say, okay, wow, I've got to fix this, stat! I respect their courage to come to me and ask for help.

Sorry to be so long. If you need study tips (like how to take notes, etc) PM me. I also teach a college survival course, so I've got buckets of handouts.

HK, I think this thread is secretly a contest to see who can type the longest response. I wiN!

hellkitty wrote:The kind who can prescribe meds are a little TOO eager to do that. I teach college (more on that in a moment) and I can't tell you the number of students I deal with who are having dosage adjustment problems. One kid, it was like his entire personality was erased. Scary!

I understand this from a personal perspective.

The meds I was given were so strong I was to only take half a tablet each day.

Suffice to say I took one and a half. The effects were pretty instant. The world became a daze. My memory became completely and absoloutely knackered, and walking around ... it just felt so ... well I didn't feel anything. Just a daze. Like cruise control.

Couldn't stand that feeling so I stopped taking them. Took me weeks to purge that crap from my system and I resolved to sort things out a different way.

Burn, trying to out-do HK in the "I helped Blurrz" stakes.

Incidentally, was talking to a friend of mine in the psychology department today, and we decided that also, being eighteen years old is probably part of the problem. Neither he or I, nor any of the people we stopped and asked, would voluntarily go back to being 18 again. The consensus was "Dear god no way, 18 sucked!!!" Twenty-five, oh hells yeah. Mid-twenties are awesome! Eighteen, not so much.

It's especially bad because you're the number one target of the mass media. And if you look at people on tv or in movies your age, they seem to be a) so hot and b) so together and c) in such awesome relationships. Totally bogus. I remember watching 90210 and getting depressed because man, my high school was so totally NOT like that.

Remember, you have people who care about you here. Not for what you can do for them, not because you're cute arm candy (though you may be), but for who you are. And that you like giant transforming robots. That's a plus, too.

HK, jeez. I sound like a grandmother. I think I'm going to go put my hair in a bun and knit, now.

For certain, this will in no way be as insightful or helpful as what Burn and Hellkitty are saying. But, thought I'd try.

To start, I have a great relationship with my girlfriend, and Blurrz, I'm not like, rubbing that in, but I was going to try to talk about the 'life questions' part of the thread. I can only be sort of helpful at best.

I too suffer from depression, and I too, am resolved against medication for the simple reason that I FEAR LIKE ALL HELLS THE THINGS THAT BURN SAID THE MEDICATION DID TO HIM. Sorry, I'm not yelling, but I felt the need to emphasise that becasue it seems that everyone;s perfunctory response to someone saying I have depression is that you should go get medicated, and I am very much against that.
My depression gets real bad. I'm a high school teacher, and I lost my job a year ago. I've been unemployed for a whole school year, and it has killed me. It has killed my ego, my pride, my ability to enjoy bascially anything, it has killed a lot of what I see as my self-worth as a human being. I worked there for seven years, coached all kinds stuff, taught AP classes, won things for the school. But, we got a new principal who didn't like me, and poof. But when my depression kicks in, I sleep LESS than I would normally. I just can't sleep, or can't sleep well, or enough, and so my mind winds itself up into this massive paranoia that makes everything worse. I begin imaging problems that might exist but are highly unlikely. MAn do I spin out of control.
Yesterday was my 31st birthday. I felt so terrible. I looked in my mirror and just said "31" and started wondering what the hell it was all about, like what's the purpose of anything? Spent years in college to be a teacher, you know, the worlds' most 'needed' profession, to be released with no explaination after seven years of damn good job-doing? To spend a year literally fighting every morning to find some reason to go through the day again? To be moody and difficult to my friends and family? ****.
When my dad died a couple years ago I took it upon myself to provide for my then-18 and 16 sister and brother. Even bought my sister a car rather than buy myself a new one. For years I have been saddled with her car payments (we worked out a deal....but that's not important) and this year as I've struggled to keep my **** together I feel that she only uses me when it's advantageous to her. My girlfriend can't stand my sister becasue of this advantage-taking. I'm very bitter against her as well. So, I have great tension between my existant family and my future family (cause, she's the one.)
I don't have internet at my apartment right now, so everyday I come to my university (almost done with a masters....yay Don!) to scour the planet for work. During the semesters this past year I was able to throw myself into my course work as a means of escaping the bludgeoning unpleasantness of 'real life'. And, it oftentimes improved my moods because I was doing something about something, you know? I've been lifting weights for most of the year also, and I'll cast in with Burn on the exercise bit as well, becuase man oh man does the little bit of lifting make me feel better, in my mind more so than my body. If I go some days without lifting my mind starts sinking again. That little activity really does make things feel better.

I spent last evening with my girlfriend and my best friend and had a few beers. To celebrate my birthday. I woke up this morning and just felt like I was on fire. I came to university, and applied to 7 or 8 new potential jobs. I picked my lovely lady up from her break from class and gave her this big ol' hug and told her that I felt good and was ready to make a go at just decimating my poor situation and building a great future. I made her cry. That made me cry. So we cried. But it was that triumphant sort of cry, you know? Depending Blurrz, on how your depression works, maybe sometimes you get that 'victory cry' kind of thing too....I don't know, but I do. Except during UP, then I just plain old cried.

See, the thing is, when we have depression, people try to tell us to just get meds and **** will be ok. Yeah, for some, but not for everyone. But we hurt other people. We hurt the people we care about the most when we get all moody and difficult. Yeah, of course things are poopy, for all of us. I at least forget a lot of the time that my feelings really do affect others, and that always makes me feel worse. and it's really tough to try to not hurt others when we are hurting. And the longer we hurt, the more we hurt others. Now, I'm not trying to be all 'save the world' and 'one love' and crap, ok? Honestly. My feelings are my feelings and I'm going to feel them how I have to feel them. But, I guess what I'm trying to say is that no one is really alone. Sure, you may not have the most friends in real life or on Facebook, and you may have a pain in the ass family and things may be really, really bad no matter which direction you turn in. But no body's ever really alone. And there are people around you that really do care about you. Maybe you don't have a girlfriend or a boyfriend (not you specifically Blurrz, like, to the general public, yeah?) but there are people around you who really do care. And sometimes, those people are the best medication that people like us can have.
*Not trying to be overly sappy, I swear*
Becuase they make us rememeber why we do what we do. I'm not suicidal either, like you yourself said, becuase I know that such an action would hurt people I can't bear to hurt. I can't give up on things, becuase that would hurt others. And when **** starts going my way again, and the bad times are over, the same people who are trying to help me now will be there to congratulate me on making it through.

My medication for depression is the notion that this too, will end. And it will. Hellkitty was talking about the differences in ages and how you feel and stuff, and I'll throw in with that also. When I was 18, I felt like everything stunk and would always stink. When I was in my twenties I held the world by the balls and squeezed for everything that they were worth and snatched every victory from the jaws of defeat. Then, I was 30, and out of work. Then, I was 31, and out of work. And every defeat seemed to transform itself into something even worse, just specifically for me. But I woke up today, and felt like I could do anything, and it's lasting for a change. Been up for hours and I still feel that way. Don't know if it will fell that way tomorrow, but for now, I gotta use it man, or I lose it. And some wins here and there today give me something to work with tomorrow. The same goes for tomorrow. It's so tough to accentuate the positives when they're so trivial, like I found decent parking or I finished a chapter in Dostoyevsky or I didn't swallow my pen when it was in my mouth. And I'm not joking, I counted all those things as victories today. But the little wins help you strike at bigger wins. Or at least, that's how I try to cope.

Ok, sorry. No more from me. Love Blurrz, in the platonic way. No man is an island, right? On a side note, I feel better today knowing there's more people like you around Seibertron, because it lets me know that I'm not alone. Thanks bud!

Oh, Dagon, you poor thing. I feel everything you're saying. I wasn't unemployed when I was your age, but all I could get was crappy adjunct teaching jobs, which are all of the work and none of the pay. It's devastating to feel so completely useless after you've put so much time and effort (and money!) into your own education. I sent out over 100 job packets (the full on resume/CV/teaching portfolio/transcripts), and had only five responses. And I lost a shot at a great job because they discovered I wasn't Southern Baptist. Unfair, after I've been teaching there for 3 years.

Being in grad school is a whole different level of torture, too, isn't it? Ah, the memories *that* brings back. It is a good escape--I ended up writing my (400 page!) dissertation in 9 measly months, exactly out of that 'this is an escape from the suckiness of my life' feeling.

I let Them medicate me once. Ambien, for my PTSD-related insomnia. I had terrible dreams--the wake up sweating and gibbering kind? Yeah, well, with the Ambien, I still had the same dreams, only the dang medication wouldn't let me wake up so I was stuck there. HORRORS. So if I sound down on meds, that's why. I've seen them do good things for people, in conjunction with therapy, but I have to say I've seen more harm than good done with them.

HK, big sloppy hugs for everyone.

hellkitty wrote:Oh, Dagon, you poor thing. I feel everything you're saying. I wasn't unemployed when I was your age, but all I could get was crappy adjunct teaching jobs, which are all of the work and none of the pay. It's devastating to feel so completely useless after you've put so much time and effort (and money!) into your own education. I sent out over 100 job packets (the full on resume/CV/teaching portfolio/transcripts), and had only five responses. And I lost a shot at a great job because they discovered I wasn't Southern Baptist. Unfair, after I've been teaching there for 3 years.

Oh baby (no offense or pandering, ok? Oh god, no offense! Just typing casual.), don't it suck? I've sent out probably more than a hundred resumes and **** this year and yes, occasionally I get a rejection letter. Othertimes you are left to wonder if anyone even got your **** information in the first place. "God damn does America need teachers!!!" and then most of the time you don't even get a No letter. And you know what's funny about your situation (not really funny, but you know....no offense again! Oh god..... ) is that I would give all seven of my testicles to be an adjunct, becuase that's why I'm working on a Masters in the first place, is because all of my life I've wanted to be a professor. and it's bullshit the way 'pro' education works, that they can just let you go for no reason at all. Buncha garbage.

hellkitty wrote:Being in grad school is a whole different level of torture, too, isn't it? Ah, the memories *that* brings back. It is a good escape--I ended up writing my (400 page!) dissertation in 9 measly months, exactly out of that 'this is an escape from the suckiness of my life' feeling.

I really like grad school. Yes, it's a bear and a half sometimes, but it always gives me something to do, and sort of like Blurrz initially said, let's me remember that I'm actually a pretty intelligent dude.

Really though, no offense with the baby comment. Just was being casual. Unless you're into that kind of thing, baby.

No, really. I'm kidding.
This thread might be pretty good for all of us 'round here.

hellkitty wrote:HK, big sloppy hugs for everyone.

Now that is the response I am talking about. It felt good to get all of that crap off my chest yesterday night, and when I woke up today, hell, I felt a tinsy insy little bit better. And that helps.

I appreciate the responses. They are taken to heart. The one reason I can't take advice from the people I know in real life is that, for some reason they'll just keep trying to mold me into what THEY want me to be, and not simply letting me breathe the world's air. Oddly enough, I am posting this stuff here, because I just can't talk to people in real life about things like this. It's weird too, because I have a hell of a lot of friends . I've been a kind, happy, and funny person, good to the core for my entire life. People have taken advantage of it, some people embrace it. If I talk about things like this to my friends 3 things will either happen. One, It'll just make them feel depressed two, they'll be wondering "What the heck, when did he get so EMO.", or three, they'll just not listen. The reason I wrote all of the crap here, was because I'm getting level headed answers. Siblings, parents, and friends probably haven't experienced the level of depression that I've experienced, and wouldn't know what to do. Maybe they have experienced it, but I'm still not going to reveal myself to them like that.

Burn, I just have to say, thanks for putting me in my place. By analyzing everything I've been saying, I feel that I know what direction I need to go in, in regards with each problem that I've had. I know that I've been following what people tell me to do, but It's just that I really have no guidance to do anything else. There's nothing wrong with that I guess, but perhaps I just simply need to breathe. I understand I just need to take a chill in the galgame, lay back and just wait for the right one to come. And god damn, I was slightly inclined to think maybe drugs WOULD be able to do something... but yeah.. not going to ever attempt to use them.

Counterpunch, thanks for caring

Hellkitty, damn, I just didn't expect such a thorough response from a female here, and one by a University coordinator at that! When it comes to being my age, I guess that I just need to deal with it! All the hormones! Argh! And in regards of being eye-candy? Well, what can I say.. I've got a six-pack, a black belt, and a deadly smile. In regards of studying, and stuff like that, I think you're my person. The change from High School to University felt like going from peewee Hockey to the NHL. And while I know there are people on campus paid to help you, I just don't feel comfortable for them to help me, or they're freaking booked till the next week. You're also my official e-mother, and yes, I'll contact you in a bit regarding 'how to study'!

Dagon, I gotta say.. damn, you're 13 years my senior, and I honestly feel like you are my best friend, we're sipping down some good Canadian brew..... well, that's for another time. The examples you give, it's as if I've been with you through these times, it's as if you've been with me through my problems. I am a very emotional person, I'll cry at silly times. And I will cherish every small victory that I have. Thanks for showing me that there are others who have are dealing with the same problems that I have, and that I ain't alone here. It sure was a lot more helpful than any real time conversation.


Only time can tell. I know that. I guess at my age, everything that I do can't simply gel together, and I need to work on that. I feel better for the most part. While I can't change myself in a day, I'll take the little steps to become a more positive person. I'll make myself go to sleep early, and try my darnest to wake up. I'll go for a morning walk. I'll go exercise a lot more when I am at home. I guess the one thing that I missed from my younger days was the exercise and interaction that TaeKwonDo gave me. I just never had the time for it now, and realize that maybe I need to relinquish my Blackbelt skills once again.

All in all, thanks so much again. Why hire proffesionals to listen to your problems, when that money is probably better spent on Transformers and other things that I enjoy, and when it's free to bitch and complain here. Why tell friends and family, where emotions and tempers fly, when engaging, caring members help you here without any worries.

****, I love this place.

Love you all
~Blurrz

Blurrz wrote:Burn, I just have to say, thanks for putting me in my place. By analyzing everything I've been saying, I feel that I know what direction I need to go in, in regards with each problem that I've had. I know that I've been following what people tell me to do, but It's just that I really have no guidance to do anything else.

I'm turning 33 at the end of the year and I still haven't really worked out what to do with my life.

I finished high school (did year 12 twice), did a 6 month business course (did it in 5 months even after they added stuff to the course for me), topped the class, then spent three months un-employed before taking the first job I was offered. Two weeks into that job I was offered another one but turned it down.

Twelve and a half years I spent at that job. I was young, I was naive, I was grossly underpaid for doing taxation and accounting and eventually accumulating the knowledge that could rival the accountant. Did I mention grossly underpaid?

18 months ago I KNEW I needed to make a change. I put in for every job imaginable, DESPERATE for a change.

Legislation regarding auditing of community groups changed to the point that a member of the groups executive could not work for the accountant doing the auditting. So I brought I said to the treasurer (who is a co-director of his family's engineering firm) "If you want them to keep auditting the books then you need to give me a job".

He did.

The funny part? It was the same firm that i'd turned down 12 and a half years ago. The original job would have been in retail, this time it was in Admin to eventually take over from the Admin Director who plans to retire.

I've been there for 362 days and I can't tell you how much my life has changed in those 362 days. I'm earning more (if anything I was barely being paid the minimum wage whilst doing work that an Accountant would do!) and I have learnt sooooooo much more. The people I work with are more laid back, instead of me being the resident smart-arse, I have competition!

It all came about because I resolved to make a change. And the one thing i'll say to you is that this is going to be the hardest part. You can say you want to make a change, but saying it is no good. You HAVE to be dedicated to do it.

I may sound like some help guru but i've experienced the power of negative thinking, and i've experienced the power of positive thinking. And you can do so much thinking positive.

And if you have time to spare, join a volunteer group. Helping people and/or the community really is a nice personal reward.

Now go for that damn walk.
(Says the guy sitting in front of his computer at 6am. It's too damn cold outside!)

Burn--
I'm older than you and in a tenured job (which means, I think, they can't fire me unless they catch me gnawing on the legbones of former students or something) and I *still* don't know what I want to do with my life. That's actually pretty okay with me: I figure that when I get all comfortable here, I'll be *old* because I'll just have settled for what I've got and given up on trying to do any better. I see a lot of people in my profession--and Dagon, I'm sure, has too--who have just burned out and make it through day after day, year after year, like zombies. I do NOT want to become like that. (And they could not pay me enough to do your taxation job. BLURK!)

Dagon--no offense taken at the 'baby'. I know my reputation as Seibertron's pet feminazi is fearsome and terrifying, but I'm smart enough to tell when someone means to be a jerk and when someone just means to be playful. (And I have been known to, without sarcasm, call people 'sweetie' in the same way). Are you stopping at MA are are you going to be hardcore and go for the PhD? What's your field? And happy belated birthday!

Blurrz--I'll be holding you to that check in thing. You're mine now, bunny lumpkins. Just don't call me 'mom'. (shudder). Don't hesitate to contact me. For anything. Okay, not for Thai massage, but you know...

HK, anything that will help me not have to clean up this office.

hellkitty wrote:Burn--
I'm older than you and in a tenured job (which means, I think, they can't fire me unless they catch me gnawing on the legbones of former students or something) and I *still* don't know what I want to do with my life. That's actually pretty okay with me: I figure that when I get all comfortable here, I'll be *old* because I'll just have settled for what I've got and given up on trying to do any better. I see a lot of people in my profession--and Dagon, I'm sure, has too--who have just burned out and make it through day after day, year after year, like zombies. I do NOT want to become like that. (And they could not pay me enough to do your taxation job. BLURK!)

That's where I was at. The job was repetative, boring, no chance for advancement. I could have done studies and become qualified, but she would still not have paid me more. It was a job that was going no where.

And here's the kicker, i'm posting this from that same office. Six months after I left she contacted me and asked me to do a few hours on the weekend to help out. Cash in hand (ie "tax free" ), much higher rate, and can charge out my time on Seibertron.com

Here's some advice from someone in your age group Blurrz and I'll mention a few things I read from other posts.

I don't have a girlfriend and have yet to have one. I haven't had the best of luck on the dating scene so I decided that I should turn my focus towards something else for the time being. By turning my attention away, I'm pretty sure I stopped any potential depression.

I'm only 19 years old. I'm going to be going on a Mission for my church so the fact that I'm not focusing on dating has really helped me focus on the more immediate and important things in my life. Besides, what use is a girlfriend if I'll be gone for 2 years? Most missionaries in my church find themselves dumped a few months into their mission so I won't have to deal with a crappy letter that will dampen an otherwise great day.

Schoolwise I made a promise to myself that I wasn't going to screw up my first year of school and I almost made my goal. Now let me explain what I mean by almost. I have a 4 year scholarship that reuires I get through each year with at least 24 credits and a 3.25 GPA. Due to an illness in the family, I wasn't able to focus as much as I needed to on my grades so I had to drop a BIO course which made me go from 27 to 23 credits. I also ended the year with a 3.13 GPA. Personally, I think that was a great GPA for a first year college student and I'm quite proud of the fact that I was able to make myself study. I'm currently making an appeal for my scholarship to be renewed. Because of the illness that came upon my father, I had to help out a lot more so the scholarship commitee will probably give me a second-chance. My counselor would be shocked if they didn't considering how well I did despite not meeting the requirements and that my reason for not meeting the requirements is genuine compared to me using the "lousy professor" excuse.

I got a job recently and I like the work. You might want to try finding a part-time job you enjoy to help you focus on other things. I give out samples at Costco which is actually quite a bit of fun. The $11 an hour isn't too bad either. It's a whole lot easier to feed my collection now.

I don't know if any of my ranting helped you, but I hit on some points that I'm currently dealing with so I thought it would help if you could see life from someone else in your age bracket.

hellkitty wrote:Dagon--no offense taken at the 'baby'. I know my reputation as Seibertron's pet feminazi is fearsome and terrifying, but I'm smart enough to tell when someone means to be a jerk and when someone just means to be playful. (And I have been known to, without sarcasm, call people 'sweetie' in the same way). Are you stopping at MA are are you going to be hardcore and go for the PhD? What's your field? And happy belated birthday!

Feminazi? I think I've always found your posts to be rather pleasant. It's just, you know, some dudes are jagoffs, and I know it's easy to take things out of context on the internet, so I just didn't want that to happen since we're having a really great conversation going here.
Yeah, pHd all the way. My MA is going to be in English Lit, and that's hat I've always wanted a doctorate in. And thanks, had my birthday party last night and hardly remember it. For sodden with drink as I.

blurrz wrote:Dagon, I gotta say.. damn, you're 13 years my senior, and I honestly feel like you are my best friend, we're sipping down some good Canadian brew..... well, that's for another time. The examples you give, it's as if I've been with you through these times, it's as if you've been with me through my problems. I am a very emotional person, I'll cry at silly times. And I will cherish every small victory that I have. Thanks for showing me that there are others who have are dealing with the same problems that I have, and that I ain't alone here. It sure was a lot more helpful than any real time conversation.

Aw, thanks man. The only problem with the picture you paint is that you're an Oilers fans if I remember correctly, and Avalanche fans don't get along with the hockey player impersonators from Edmonton. NAh, kidding. I get all kinds of emotional at strange times also dude, so I understand that completely as well. AND, my girlfriend always says I'm just being EMO, and that pisses me off. And yeah, the people you kno in the flesh DO try to make you in their own images, so it is easier to talk with us faceless ones some times. I;m glad I as of any help, and sometimes I go for days without checkin in here, but, you know, drop me a line or like a PM and let's talk. That's what friends are for, right? Except for your Oilers affiliation, you seem like a pretty cool person.

Dagon wrote:
Yeah, pHd all the way. My MA is going to be in English Lit, and that's hat I've always wanted a doctorate in. And thanks, had my birthday party last night and hardly remember it. For sodden with drink as I.

I SO resented having to get a generalist masters, myself, but now I'm really glad I did. I teach in a place where you teach whatever they tell you, so I've taught everything from Victorian to American Modernist to Mass Media. So, you're doing the sensible thing!

Down here in the States (since all that hockeytalk makes me suppose you are Canadian) we specialize for our PhD. Mine was medieval with a medieval studies (paleography/art history) minor. And of course we have our qualifying exams, our prospectus meeting and the terror that is the dissertation defense. What happens in grad school in the North?

Blurrz--check in with us, okay?

HK, my Starscreams are...uncomfortably close together.

hellkitty wrote:

Dagon wrote:
Yeah, pHd all the way. My MA is going to be in English Lit, and that's hat I've always wanted a doctorate in. And thanks, had my birthday party last night and hardly remember it. For sodden with drink as I.

I SO resented having to get a generalist masters, myself, but now I'm really glad I did. I teach in a place where you teach whatever they tell you, so I've taught everything from Victorian to American Modernist to Mass Media. So, you're doing the sensible thing!

Down here in the States (since all that hockeytalk makes me suppose you are Canadian) we specialize for our PhD. Mine was medieval with a medieval studies (paleography/art history) minor. And of course we have our qualifying exams, our prospectus meeting and the terror that is the dissertation defense. What happens in grad school in the North?

I don't know what Canadians do when they graduate. I live in Chicago, and am American. I think it's funny that talking hockey labels me as Canadian. I'm sorry. You made me laugh. Everyone knows only Canadians like hockey! I'm sorry, we're still being serious and now I'm laughing. Blurrz is a Canuck though, and I hope to travel in Canada one day. Oh, and I friggin love Rush. So, maybe I'm a displaced Canadian....
I don't know hat I want to focus my pHd in, literature-wise. Not a fan of the postmodern/Derrida schools of theory, you know? So, I'm probably stuck with the classics.

hellkitty wrote:Blurrz--check in with us, okay?

He can't, he's too busy walking. Or he'd better be!

Dagon, oops! (facepalm) Yeah, I'm kind of a sports retard so I'm kind of proud I knew the Oilers played hockey. AND that they were Canadian. My grad work was at UNC Chapel Hill, a HUGE sports school, and there I learned to hate sports with a burning passion. You would not believe how much better the athletes get treated than everyone else.

I HATE Postmodernism. I'm actually not a huge fan of most 20th Century stuff--after WWI, it all falls into incoherence for me. Most theory irritates me, but Foucault's good if you can sort him away from his blatant socialism. I was almost a Victorianist, but the guys in my school who were Victorianists were jerks. Medievalists, cool. If you're good with languages, check out medieval. (We have the *best* conferences!)

Burn, what? Did you chain poor Blurrz to the treadmill or something? Boy's gotta eat at some point. But if he's just sitting there getting depressed.... (grrrrr).
Besides, I think we 'jacked his thread. He better reclaim it.


HK, happy sandwich tummy.

ahhh we didn't jack it.

Think of it as a lesson. Life is far too serious. You gotta learn to have fun. Serious threads have to be derailed as a result!
(I'm sure he'll see we mean well)

Hahaha, nah I'm just enjoying my vacation for the first time in the few weeks that i've been over in the west coast. Went for a bike ride for over two hours, cruised in a John Deere which was kickass, and watched RotF in a matinée for the first time. So all in all, I'm doing fine. I know there really isn't much change that can happen gradually while on vacation but I know what it takes.

And I don't mind you all jacking this thread. I'm too busy playing NHL 09 to care.

Blurrz wrote:Hahaha, nah I'm just enjoying my vacation for the first time in the few weeks that i've been over in the west coast. Went for a bike ride for over two hours, cruised in a John Deere which was kickass, and watched RotF in a matinée for the first time. So all in all, I'm doing fine. I know there really isn't much change that can happen gradually while on vacation but I know what it takes.

And I don't mind you all jacking this thread. I'm too busy playing NHL 09 to care.

Cruised in a John Deere. That must be something different in Canada, or I don't know if I would proud of that.

Well it's a giant lawn mower that you sit on right? Well I thought it was cool because I was 'drinking beer, while on a John Deere'. Sorry if that's not fun, XD, up here in Canada it sure is.

Blurrz wrote:Well it's a giant lawn mower that you sit on right? Well I thought it was cool because I was 'drinking beer, while on a John Deere'. Sorry if that's not fun, XD, up here in Canada it sure is.

Don't listen to him, Blurrz. Them city boys don't know how to have real fun.

He probably wears shoes when he drives and everything. (Okay, that might be more of a Southern thing, but, you know...)

HK, my neck is not red, I swear.

hellkitty wrote:Dagon, oops! (facepalm) Yeah, I'm kind of a sports retard so I'm kind of proud I knew the Oilers played hockey. AND that they were Canadian. My grad work was at UNC Chapel Hill, a HUGE sports school, and there I learned to hate sports with a burning passion. You would not believe how much better the athletes get treated than everyone else.

Yeah, I went to DePaul when Quentin Richardson was there (circa 99-00) and I had a class with him which he passed yet I never saw him more than once.....
But, nonetheless, A+ on your hockey knowledge. I think I ruined this thread 'cause Blurrz is an Oilers fan and I'm an Aves fan, and they play in the same divison and so by the laws of nature the two of us must be rivals. Hopefully though, the two of us can still be friends.

hellkitty wrote:I HATE Postmodernism. I'm actually not a huge fan of most 20th Century stuff--after WWI, it all falls into incoherence for me. Most theory irritates me, but Foucault's good if you can sort him away from his blatant socialism. I was almost a Victorianist, but the guys in my school who were Victorianists were jerks. Medievalists, cool. If you're good with languages, check out medieval. (We have the *best* conferences!)

See, I'd agree with you completely except that I really love the post WWII Existentialists. Postmodernism is like one of the plagues from Exodus, except once those were over people basically forgot about them, and I fear postmoderninsm will be around for a while. Post-WWI, a lotof literature starts to blatantly ignore the 'rules' of literature and it does turn into babbel, and it only got worse as we got closer to the present. What I hate most about theory is that it all seems to have an escape hatch where no matter what your answer is the theory can disprove you in order to save itself from being disproved. Adherants to them don't want to accept the idea that you actually can interpret something as being different from what their theory states. My present university has a very PM/Marxist bend, and it really can make a guy feel like hes the only sane/different one. Of all the 'classics' the Victorian age is my least favorite, and now we can't be freinds like Blurrz and I can't be friends for love of our hockey teams. Seriously though, the medieval stuff is very cool, and I'm kind of a Viking fetishist, so I read or have read tons of the sagas and I thinkl those fit the medievalist bill. And Beowulf, mmmmm-hmmmm. That's good readin'.