by Darkscream » Sun Jul 01, 2007 11:54 pm
My rant on Transformers the live action movie.
My first big gripe with the movie is the character design. I can't stand any of the Transformer designs. Ever since I saw preliminary designs, I'd hated them all. I thought maybe in the actual movie, when you see them move, they'd look better, but I was wrong. All the Transformers look like giant wads of junk. Sure, they're complex, but they're a bloody eyesore to look at. They all look like they've been through a trash compactor or paper shredder. Or maybe someone just set a cat loose in the studio where they were doing the concept art. In certain scenes, I could hardly tell when a Transformer had lost a limb because their entire body looked so banged up anyway. And of course, this really helped in the action sequences which were messy enough as it is, and when you add the robots in, it looked like you were watching trash going round in a washing machine.
More on specific designs. Optimus and Ironhide look like apes. Ugly. Some of the Decepticons appear to have sharp mean claws and cruel fangs and other pointy bits that are supposed to make them look eeeeevil. In reality it makes them look like they transform into kitchen instruments. On another note, Scorponok and Frenzy looked really out of place. Their robot modes looked too inconsistent with the rest of the cast.
After watching the movie, I see the idea behind the design aesthetic though. They're made to look so complex that by folding so many bits around, the animators can cheat and make them transform into any bloody thing they want, as is shown in the case of Frenzy and Bumblebee. Works for the concept, but I would have preferred they didn't cop out like that.
This complex design aesthetic also made it hard to tell characters apart, because they all looked like walking pieces of trash. Especially in close ups or quick camera shots, like in the final battle in the city, it was easy to lose track of which Transformer the camera was on. I'm still not sure if it was Ratchet, Ironhide or Jazz who helped Bumblebee put the truck up to block Starscream's attack.
Dog peeing on Ironhide - funny.
Bumblebee peeing on someone - lame.
Weapon designs were also crap. The Transformer weapons looked like they were designed to be put on a toy and have plastic pellets and crap shot out through them. In addition, for such big robots, they didn't seem to have equivalently powerful weapons. More on that under action scenes.
I didn't like how the robots moved either. Blackout moved more like a mech from Battletech in the opening battle than a Transformer. Some people like that, I don't. As if to contrast that, you had some of them doing kung fu flips and rolls in the city battle. Get over the kung fu thing. I don't need it in every frikkin movie.
Besides that, 5 Autobots and 8 Cons. Meh. Too few. No combiners either.
More on the robots. Whoever did the voice casting should lose his job. Hugo Weaving as Megatron wasn't bad, but the problem was his version of Megs could have been done by any other voice actor for a lot less money. All the Decepticons had a generic super evil bad guy voice which didn't give them the unique personalities which made the old Decepticons so interesting. When Megs had that conversation with Starscream, if you weren't paying attention, you'd easily get mixed up as to whose line it was, because they sounded so similar. They all sounded like nasty aliens but nothing more. Except for Frenzy, but Frenzy was a bloody joke anyway. Autobots were a little better off, but not by much. You could tell them apart when they were just bantering, but in battle scenes, there really wasn't too much difference between them. They all just turned into generic soldier mode.
As for the mini robots given life by the cube, why were all of them psychotic monsters? You'd wonder how Cybertron used to be peaceful at all with life like that.
Now, more on Optimus Prime's personality and voice. I like how they got Peter Cullen back to do Optimus, and he does a good job, but there were things which really nagged at me. In the scene at the back of the house, Optimus knocks over a fountain and destroys a flower bed. Now, while these alien robots are not used to our environments and they can be expected to accidentally break things, the way it was done kinda ruins Optimus Prime's image. In the original, Optimus was not all knowing of this world. He was inquisitive and curious of things on Earth, but yet because of that, he was always gentle with the environment, not clumsy like in this scene.
Next, Peter Cullen isn't even mentioned with the main leads of the movie when their individual names come up. Optimus Prime along, with all the other Transformer voices, is only credited at the end of the cast list, after such important characters as Mom In Car and Socialite 1. That serves as a good indicator of how important they thought the robots were as characters. There was way too little character development for the Transformers other than Prime. Most of the Decepticons got next to no lines(Frenzy's jabbering doesn't count), and the Autobot lines sounded like the writer was trying to make a catchphrase collection for each one.
That was another gripe I had with this movie - The humans. I paid to see giant robots, not these ugly flesh creatures. I couldn't care less about that guy's stupid baby, or that Aussie girl, or that other guy's parents. At first it was okay, and I actually laughed at the jokes, like when Sam's dad took him past the Porsche showroom. Then it became obvious that these humans were going to be around the whole 2 hours and it became tedious. The original show had robots that were characters. This show tried to have characters around robots, and that really killed it for me.
Another thing. Tit has no place in a robot show. I know everyone else had no problems with it, but to me, Transformers didn't need the stupid female lead or the teen movie **** they tried to pull. The masturbation joke and girl in the room gag were seen coming from a mile, and while they would have been funny for another lame guy-gets-lucky movie, they were only distracting in this one. It was the same for the political commentary and family crap. They felt like they were only thrown in to satisfy demographics. Part military movie, part sci-fi, part monster movie, cash in on those street racing nuts by having a bad guy as a police car, bring in some "cool" hackers, let's get that teen audience too, and don't forget a tiny nod to the actual fans. Well, you got some of the fans but not all of them.
On Transformers backstory, I didn't mind that they threw out the Primus/Unicron or Quintesson backstory here. The Cube being the source of their life is fine with me. I don't particularly like their version of Cybertron though. Looks like the designers were watching too much Lord of The Rings when they drew up concepts of the place. Also, considering how important the Cube AND Megatron were, you'd think the Autobots and Decepticons would have sent more forces to Earth than just those few.
Next, action sequences. There were some good bits. Optimus sticking his knife into Bonecrusher's head was good, and Starscream's aerial fight with the human planes was good. Scorponok in the desert was okay, and I liked Megs smashing Optimus through the office building. Other than that, I have to say, the action felt really sub par.
For one, I didn't come to watch a knockoff Fast and Furious. Sure, with so many robots transforming into vehicles, you'd expect a chase scene here and there and some vehicle stunt work. However, this being Transformers, a simple car chase just doesn't suffice. They should have been shooting the crap out of everything along the way or have nasty extensions to smash their opponents like rams and spikes from the hubcaps. Anyway, the chase scenes themselves were mostly badly filmed so that they weren't exciting enough even for a normal car movie. Long shots weren't really shot from angles that built tension, and you couldn't really feel the speed of the cars. Close shots were messy. Not thrilling or speedy, just messy. Could hardly see what was going on so that took all the fun out of it. That brings me to the actual robot action.
The robot action was mostly just a horrible mess. The robot designs already look like crap, but when you slam two of them together and have them go tumbling across the screen, it doesn't look like a giant robot fight, it looks like Katamari Damacy. On that note, I don't think it was a good idea to make these giant robots repeatedly do somersaults, as the complexity of their design made it just look like a tumbling scrap heap. It was hard enough telling the robots apart from each other already without them blurred across the screen. To add to that, it seemed someone decided to put the camera crew on drugs and have them zooming about, making the camera work look just as messy as the robot designs, maybe for consistency. People have been complaining about messy camera work since some idiot decided it would be a novel idea for their big medieval battle scene. Guess what, it doesn't work with robot fight scenes either. In fact, it made the battle scenes look small rather than huge. In short, it looks like the director was trying to do a human fight scene using giant robots, as opposed to doing an actual giant robot fight scene.
On that note though, for a director with such a fondness for a big mess, why weren't there more projectiles flying around? Why were there so few big explosions in the final battle? What happened to Blackout's ridiculously overpowered weapons from the opening battle in the army camp? The original cartoon had lazer beams of various colours everywhere. Where were the lazers here? By contrast, the weapons used during the battle in the city were piss weak. Starscream's opening missile was supposed to be a prelude to a huge battle, but it turned out to be the last good explosion in the movie. Look at what Ironhide was packing on his arms, but in the actual battle, he couldn't seem to do squat. There was no kick from his guns when they were fired. He might as well have been firing pea shooters. What was Devastator doing, being pinned down by a small bunch of human soldiers hiding behind a few cars, when Blackout pummeled a whole camp at the start of the movie? Even Devastator's tank rounds didn't have much power behind them. I didn't see a single building topple over or crumble to bits, even though there were so many to choose from. Sure some buildings got some big holes in them, but it didn't feel like enough. Things that would have exploded in other action movies didn't. Even when robots got hurt, you didn't see parts of their body exploding, sparks flying, billowing smoke... I'll say it again - weak. Megatron didn't have his fusion cannon either. Giant robot movie is not complete without at least one death ray/beam thingie, and this one didn't have it. How is it human vulcan cannons from the desert scene seem to be more powerful than the machine guns and missiles of this super advanced alien technology?
Yes, I'm pissed that a Decepticon named Devastator doesn't appear to be able to devastate anything, especially considering that the original Devastator was practically unstoppable by even a team of Autobots, let alone humans and Bumblebee.
One scene stands out in the movie though as particularly horrible though. The US soldier riding the bike and sliding under Blackout to fire a tracer at his crotch. Were they trying so desperately to make the humans look good, like we can take out these aliens on our own? Look ma, I took out an alien. That scene reeked of cheesiness, even in a movie as cheesy as this. Wasn't good cheese either. More like the kind that stinks so bad your body tingles.
Final word on the action - where was the kaboom? There was supposed to be an earth shattering kaboom! What was this crap with Megatron only getting a teensy hole burnt into his chest? Did you see the size of that cube before Bumblebee collapsed it down? You're telling me that thing had enough power to create worlds and yet all we get is a little burning sensation for Megs? Anyway, what was Meg's chest cavity doing open in the middle of a battle anyway? Now I know that the cube won't affect Transformers just by touching them because Bumblebee was holding the damn thing earlier and his hands didn't burn away. From what Optimus said about uniting the cube with his spark, I assume that's what happened to Megs. But for something as important to a Transformer as his spark, his life force, you think it would be just accessible by touching their chest, as opposed to being buried deep under layers of armour?
Now for just nitpicks with inconsistencies and things which just weren't thought out well. As an example, I've already pointed out how Blackout's weapons were so powerful in the opening battle, but then all the weapons seemed to be scaled down in the city. I know the old series had just as many of these plotholes and stuff, but I'm going to nitpick these points to show that the new movie no better than the original cartoon in this area.
To start with, characters conveniently disappear off screen. The most obvious scene being the scene with Sam running up the stairwell. Megatron was sure taking his sweet time chasing him. Maybe he couldn't find Sam? Maybe he didn't know Sam was going up the stairwell? Even with Transformers' advanced technology which allows Ratchet to detect inane things like human pheromone levels? And in one of the next scenes, after the helicopter is shot down, you see it fall past Optimus, who's already on the way up to save Sam. Yet after that, Sam clings on to that statue for an eternity while Megs threatens him. Optimus sure took his time as well. Meanwhile, Starscream is standing on a nearby building like a pussy, doesn't notice Optimus climbing up, doesn't bother to take a pot shot when Megs jumps on Optimus and crashes to the ground later, and instead waits around until human planes arrive to suddenly burst into action.
All this while, Ratchet and Ironhide are somewhere fighting someone.... Wait, who the Hell were they fighting? I remember them saying "It's Megatron. Fall back." You sure fell back a long way you lamers! When Optimus was fighting Bonecrusher too, where the heck were all of you?! Maybe it's because Bonecrusher appeared so suddenly, the only one who noticed all the exploding cars in the rear was the big guy.
More on characters disappearing. Bumblebee conveniently disappears right after he saves Sam from some guard dogs. He was busy driving rings around Sam, and suddenly when the police arrived he was gone. That's besides the fact that Sam managed to follow Bumblebee on his bicycle to the train yard in the first place. How do you ride after a car so fast and yet still have the time to talk on your mobile phone? Or was Bumblebee just driving slow? So slow a guy on his grandma's bicycle can catch up? Don't think so.
Barricade disappeared too. At the end of the movie, if he was killed in battle, I sure didn't realize due to the sloppy editing. Besides that, in his first robot-to-robot encounter with Bumblebee, I didn't even realise he'd lost yet. They fought, it cut to Frenzy and the kids(loser got beat up by two puny humans), then Bumblebee just appeared over the hill, and it cut to Barricade apparently waking up from being knocked out. I felt like I was robbed of half a fight scene there.
Next, Optimus hiding under a bridge while watching Bumblebee get caught. We can't save him without endangering the humans. Kinda hard to swallow after they easily disarmed all those Section 7 guys a while earlier. Anyway, why did Optimus decide to run off in robot form when everyone else transformed into vehicle mode to run? You can take passengers much more safely in vehicle mode. Noooo... Optimus decided to take the kids on his shoulder and try to hide in his very conspicuous robot mode. Robots in disguise you dimwit! What's vehicle mode for? If they already saw your vehicle mode and are on the lookout, scan another passing car or something and take a new form, since it seems to be so easy in this movie.
I'll go on to Frenzy, who managed to sneak out of Air Force one unnoticed when the plane landed, despite the fact that a security breach of that level would have meant the humans would be looking out for anything suspicious, including maybe a shiny robot scampering across the tarmac.
Decepticons. Decepticons. After 20 years, they still haven't learnt to shoot straight. Devastator had so many weapons but couldn't do squat with them. Blackout couldn't hit a guy lying on the ground right in front of him. Megatron couldn't hit a stationary human standing behind a statue. Autobots didn't do much better. All these camera shots of Ratchet and Ironhide firing at... something.
While on the city battle, I'll ask why Sam had to take the cube and run, instead of grabbing a vehicle, or maybe giving the cube to someone else. I guess he'd already shown he could keep up with Bumblebee on a bicycle and almost outrun Barricade on foot, so he might have been a good choice. Why then did Sam run upstairs into a building when there was no way out from there except by helicopter? Did he think a helicopter would be able to run to safety when TWO of the Decepticons were jet aircraft? Apparently, he overestimated the ability of Ratchet and Ironhide to give support fire. I'll also ask why they decided to run to the city in the first place when they knew Decepticons were chasing them. They'd rather the city got shot up than stay out in the desert where there would be far fewer civilian casualties? Fair enough, the city gives extra cover, but you'd have to be a real jerk to make a decision like that.
Now on to Transformers speaking English. I think it was a sensible idea to have a Transformer language, as the original never explained why aliens from distant planets spoke the same language as humans. The Autobots learning English through the world wide web however I hope is Optimus trying to tell a joke. None of the Autobots said "Teh roxxors" or "Lol" as far as I can remember, and it would be impossible to learn intonations and inflexions through text, but then there's Youtube, so that could be possible even if it's by a very long shot. However, how did Megatron learn modern English if he was frozen for over a thousand years? If he did speak English, wouldn't it be Ye Olde English as opposed to the current form?
That concludes my rant for now. I did have some laughs with the movie, and to its credit, it was entertaining on some counts. It's just the mecha and action aspects fell short, and that was what I paid money for. No kaboom.
Now looking forward to the new Gundam series so I can complain about that one too.
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