The Energon Pub

[Psycho Warrior]

Its time.
Its time
Its Nougat time!

Wait, no. I screwed that up. Time to see how many old farts still lurk around here who even know what this kind of thread's about.

(PW whistles) Hey randy!
Randy: (Randy comes out) Hey Psycho, long time no see.
Ready for a trip down memory lane?
Randy: I dunno. I can't take a beating like I used to.
You never could anyway. Now, onto the target like a good moron, i mean contestant.
Randy: Contestant? What's the prize?
A free trip to Albania!
*PW pulls a lever, catapult launches randy into the horizon*

With that, I now retreat to my rolling convince store atop 5 tank treads. What's the fifth one fore? none your business.

*PW feels a bump within the store*
Hm, maybe wasn't the best idea to take this thing on the road. crushed customers don't spend money.

[Blastback]

*Climbs up on to the rolling convince store and uses a sniper rifle to shoot Randy in the spleen as he goes flying*
"So, where we going?"

[Psycho Warrior]

TO VENGENCE!

Or at the very least a better place with a better customer base. the present ones are looking -CRUNCH- flat.
*PW opens the window on the side of his store*
I HAVE A DRIVE THROUGH! USE IT!

Now do you want to buy a slurpie or some cigarettes? Maybe a cigarette slurpie? I call it the tar-nado.

[Blastback]

Eh, I'll just take a soda. Tobacco and I don't get along.
*Kicks back in a lounge chair and listens to the screams of people dodging out of the way of Psycho's mobile store thingy*

[Rodimus Prime]

What is a convince store?

SHOTGUN!

*Climbs up into the front next to the...driver...?...and loads...a shotgun. A Benelli M4.*

Yee-haw!!! Can't this bucket of bolts go any faster?!

[Blastback]

*Hands Roddy some Dragon's Breath rounds*
"Just for fun"

[Psycho Warrior]

What is a convince store?

SHOTGUN!

*Climbs up into the front next to the...driver...?...and loads...a shotgun. A Benelli M4.*

Yee-haw!!! Can't this bucket of bolts go any faster?!

Ah a man comes into my store with a shotgun. The manual trained me for this very occasion!

*PW puts his hands up* MONEY'S IN THE REGESTER! SPARE MY LIFE!

The till falls over over running over an especially corpulent man in an SUV. There we see there's only about a buck fifty in the till.

PW: ... Oh you wanna shoot OTHER things. Well the throttle's by the thermostat. or the thermostat's near the throttle. I can't remember which is which.

[Blastback]

*Adjusts the throttle to get us up to a reasonable pace*
"Yeeha! We're running down a certain random guy!"

[Psycho Warrior]

*Adjusts the throttle to get us up to a reasonable pace*
"Yeeha! We're running down a certain random guy!"

Randy pushes his electric wheelchair as hard as it'll go but slowly it inches backward toward the mighty wheels of the Psychomart convenience store.

Randy: I thought I put fresh AAs in this thing up before going out today!!

PW: *whistles innocently as he feeds the ceiling birds their batteries*

[Rodimus Prime]

A psycho convenience store is definitely a fun place to use for my lesser accepted shenanigans.

*shoots Randy's wheelchair before he gets run over*

One down! WHO'S NEXT?! calm down Goldberg

[Psycho Warrior]

PW: Wait, I sell shotguns?
*PW looks around and notices the candy and guns section*
PW: Huh. I must've been drunk when I did that.
*PW Side eyes the liquor and fireworks aisle*
I should separate those items, its the song of the sirens to me. Excuse me.

*PW can be seen on top of the store firing roman candles at Randy who's regained the use of his legs and running in front of the store.*

PW; RUN, FAT BOY, RUUUUUN!

[Rodimus Prime]

Sell? SELL?! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Like I bought this...next time put it behind the counter under a lock. Genius

*sees Randy running again*

Now that just won't do.

*shoots out Randy's left knee from the top of the store*

Back to the chair, Crip!!!

RUN HIM DOWN!!!

*takes a giant size KitKat from the shelf*

[Psycho Warrior]

*Randy's leg vanished and he falls back into his wheelchair.*
Randy: I have crippling depression.
*the random guy is smooshed into paste by the heavy convenience store treads*
PW: Now he's just a depressed impression in the road.

*PW clicks a button on the side of the wall, causing several minigun barrels to unfold from the sides of the store. However they click empty.*
PW: Huh? Wait, what's this note here? ... "IOU some ammo. Signed Halo." HOW LONG HAS THIS BEEN HERE?

[Rodimus Prime]

*finishes stuffing the entire giant candy bar in his mouth*

Umm *smack* I saw Halo here right before *smack* we started rolling.

*GULP*

That's why I hid all the shotgun shells.

*fires off 2 rounds into the air*

So, anyway, PW, you think I could film my next OnlyFans video here?

[Psycho Warrior]

Yeah sorry we're not rated for that. At least not in the front. Of course if I were to walk outside and deal with some punk kids who keep shooting out the sign, then I won't know it happened.

Then of course, Locust might put in his 'ghouls gone wild' video. can you believe he's up to #274 of those? and he's still releasing them on VHS? yeesh.

Randy: Can I please stop running now?
PW: Sure!
Randy: On thank heaven...
PW: YOU GET TO RUN ON THE TREADMILL! *whips him* GET THAT DYNAMO SINGING FAT BOY! THEM HOT DOGS AIN'T GONNA COOK THEMSELVES!

[Blastback]

"I find that completely believable about Locust. Really any number of old posters here. Can't imagine what things would have been like if OF had been around back in the day"

[Psycho Warrior]

If OF had been around back then Locust would vanish and we wouldn't see him for months at a time. But he would return with one arm looking like he was juicing like a pro wrestler.

Randy: What's OF?
*PW grabs the nearest blunt object and bludgeons randy until he's chunky salsa*
PW: He must never know.

[Rodimus Prime]

PW, I'm gonna do my best to pretend to take your suggestions under advisement. OF is just a way of life. You wouldn't understand. And since I'm using your store, you're entitled to a percentage. How's that sound?

[Psycho Warrior]

PW: Very well. I suggest you use the men's room. No one goes in there.

*PW pushes open the Men's room door. At first it looks like the room's painted brown from ceiling to floor, but after one loud clap all the brown tiles skitter down one of the 4 drain pipes with a cacophonic sound that resembles rain on a tin roof. In less than 2 seconds the restroom's gone from brown to a grungy, unpainted grey.*

PW: I can't figure out why.

[Blastback]

"Think I could set up a portapoty side gig..."

[Psycho Warrior]

PW: sales are slow. I need to consider a fire sale. and the only way to do that is with free samples.

3 hours later

newscaster: This is Diane with WTF 4AM news with a special update on the runaway convenience store. The rampage continues as cars are run off the roads and civilians are crushed like ants. But now there seems to be a mad man on the roof of the store with a flame thrower blasting onlookers with what seems to be homemade napalm. Eyewitnesses reported that this madman has been screaming "Free samples, come and get it!" for the past few hours.

[Rodimus Prime]

No such thing as "free." Someone somewhere always pays. Trust me. I'm an OF star.

Speaking of which, maybe if you advertise my performance, maybe you'll get more business. Or at least get people to run away faster, so we don't get slowed down by all the roadkill.

Regardless of how you decide, "Rod's Rods" is officially available for viewing. BYOK

[Psycho Warrior]

After several hours, PW has given out all his free porch pirate repellant and his flamethrower clicks empty.

PW: Now time to slow the store down and wait for the moolah to roll in.

PW accidentally clicks the wrong switch and the industrial air conditioner blasts freezing air, freezing PW in place.

PW: ... and yet the hot dogs are still too hot on their cooker.

[Rodimus Prime]

RP: well when you use a nuclear reactor to power your microwave, these things will happen.

*goes to the thermostat and turns it to 120 degrees.

RP: we need warm temps back here. The freezing air is causing some of my customers to claim false advertising. Not good for business.