Six Ways the GI Joe Movie Could Be Better Than
Transformers 2
1. Diminished Expectations
Ridiculous. I watched the movie and it went above and beyond all of my expectations. I not only had a good time, but it was a good...nay, excellent film.
The only thing I see diminishing, lately, are people's brain cells. And not because of the movies. There's so much wrong with this article, it's not funny. But, I'll cover that in detail.
Six Ways the GI Joe Movie Could Be Better Than
Transformers 2
2. The GI Joes Have Faces
One of our least favorite aspects about Michael Bay's Transformers movies is how impossible it is to distinguish one robot from another, particularly when their start their rock-em-sock-em thing. The robot designs might turn on auto-fetishists, but they've completely stripped away all of the personality the Transformers had in the cartoon series, especially in the faces. Fine, noses and ears don't really work on robots, but Bay's Transformers designs do a terrible job of conveying emotion and, aside from Optimus Prime and Bumblebee, any casual fan would be hard pressed to name any of the other Transformers out of a line up. Thankfully, the GI Joe cast is actually made up of honest-to-god actors, with eyebrows and mouths, and the ability to make us give a damn about them, if they're good enough. And, while there isn't a Tom Hanks or Angelina Jolie in the bunch, it's a fairly solid group of actors, with most having a few impressive credits next to their names (heck, even Marlon Wayans was awesome in Requiem for a Dream). That alone might elevate the cast above Optimus Prime's creepy CGI robot lips.
Blah, blah, "We couldn't figure out what was going on, blah, blah, blah." Then open your friggin' eyes. I'll admit that during the forest battle, the uninformed could become quite confused by what's going on and who did what. The rest of the film, however? If you couldn't figure out who was who, then you had your head shoved down your date's throat, or your head up your ass.
Fortunately, the people have spoken and the critics lost this time. ROTF is not only one of the biggest money makers, in the history of cinema, it's in the top 10 domestic all time charts. Obviously the audiences embraced it enough, to keep coming back for more, no matter how badly the critics hated it.
To the author of this article, quit eatin' your own crap, pull your head out of your ass, and go see movies for the exact reason they're made: TO HAVE ESCAPIST FUN.
Six Ways the GI Joe Movie Could Be Better Than
Transformers 2
3. The Accelerator Suits Might Just Surprise Everyone
Anyone who's seen the early previews for GI Joe has probably made a sarcastic comment or two about the clunky, beyond-cartoony accelerator suits that the Joes wear into battle in one major sequence, these hulking exo-skeletons that look like some of Tony Stark's discarded designs for Iron Man. They've been one of the major causes of fan backlash since the first trailers premiered. However, there have been some early screening reports suggesting that the trailers completely fail to capture the giddy, crazy-ass fun of the accelerator action scenes. If there is ANY scene in GI Joe that has the potential to completely shutdown its critics, it's this one, and we think it has a 50/50 chance of working. While there was some beautiful robot wreckage in Transformers 2, there was no single action sequence that we were still talking about weeks later, and the concept of the accelerator suits alone just seems like such a great mixture of amped-up speeder-bike mayhem and total vicarious wish fulfillment. They might fall flat on their face, but if they don't, it'll be the most talked about action sequence of 2009.
Most talked about? I'm not entirely sure it'll be in a good light.
I will say that the scene was a hell of a fun romp from beginning to end. Impressive CGI visuals, impressive stunt work (It should be illegal for Snake Eyes to pwn so much. It really should.), and the chase itself (not so much the final, on film execution, but the ideas used in it) was just a sit back in your seat and go "WHOA..." moment. A lot of fun, but I'm not sure it's the most talked about action sequence. I think once people get their hands on ROTF on DVD/Blu-Ray, and they can go back and forth, and watch the forest battle in detail...that's the one they'll be talking about.
Six Ways the GI Joe Movie Could Be Better Than
Transformers 2
4. Stephen Sommers Is Better at Delivering FUN Than Michael Bay
GI Joe director Stephen Sommers
This might sound ridiculous, but Michael Bay movies take themselves very, very seriously. That's right, Michael Bay movies. (And, yes, we're counting Bad Boys 2.) Even with their ridiculous premises, there is an arrogance, a pomp, a slick, pre-packaged, out-of-the-box desire to be EPIC to Bay's movies that can be entertaining, but also can occasionally suck all of the fun out of a movie theatre thanks to their painful efforts to be either cool or profound in every second of every frame. On the other side of the spectrum, there's Stephen Sommers, and let's be honest, there is NOTHING cool about Stephen Sommers. If Bay was the high school kid who spent all of his energy being cool, Sommers is the class clown, the class speed freak, the kid in your class who'd skateboard off the roof just to make his friends laugh. This doesn't mean that Sommers makes great movies - he doesn't. Deep Rising is a hysterical B-movie, The Mummy is a fairly solid popcorn flick, The Mummy Returns is bat-s*** insane, and Van Helsing is so over-the-top it's almost Kabuki. However, all four of those movies are never boring and were obviously made by a guy who was trying to make every second of every frame pure sugar-sweet FUN. And, at this point in history - with the economy in the toilet, two wars, ugly partisan politics, massive unemployment, and even worse on the horizon - we've lost all interest in cool. We want FUN when we go to the movies - one of many reasons why our favorites of the summer have been Star Trek and Up - and GI Joe probably has way more potential to be fun than Transformers, thanks largely to Sommers' involvement. Sure, it also has much more potential to suck, but... eh, you can't have everything.
Wow, that wasn't biased at all, was it? There's so much unrelenting Bay hate in there, I can't even say this was a level headed argument.
Yes, Bay is pompous, yes, he does try and sell his movies as being SERIOUS BUSINESS, but he does, in fact, take these movies as a fun diversion and doesn't really promise anything but. Just because he's arrogant and cocksure, doesn't mean that's the type of film he's bringing us.
In fact, ROTF was one of the most fun times I've had in theaters in a good long while. I laughed, I got choked up, I was thrilled, I was shocked, but most of all...I enjoyed my time in the theater, and would gladly buy another ticket for that sensation. And I'm doing so, tonight. A double feature of G.I. Joe and ROTF at the drive in.
Sommers films are good, no doubt, but as time goes on, they all kinda lost their flair. Deep Rising never interested me, so I can't really comment, but I heard that it's considered his best film. The Mummy... one of my absolute all time favorites, but received rather lukewarm reviews, unlike DR. The Mummy Returns, not a favorite so much, but a great flick, but again, a decline. Van Helsing...was just awful. It was a crapfest on film. I'm surprised the methane didn't ignite when the spark that lights the projector, kicked on.
G.I. Joe has enough awesome in it that it might just save his career. If he made more movies like the first Mummy, and TROC, he'd have just as big of a career as Bay, if not more so.
Six Ways the GI Joe Movie Could Be Better Than
Transformers 2
5. Sexist Male Rationale #59280
We're not proud of stooping to this level, but if we have to, we will. In our editorial opinion (our male editors, at least), GI Joe's Rachel Nichols (she plays Scarlett) is way hotter than Megan Fox. (That sound you hear is the internet breaking in half.) Maybe we just prefer redheads, but Nichols is a classic beauty; that Marilyn Monroe tattoo on Fox's arm is extremely lame; Fox blew off Seth Rogen, which isn't cool; and Nichols proved to us on Alias (and with a strong performance in the stinky P2), that she's a pretty amazing actress, MUCH better than Fox. And, for all you fanboys, Nichols cameo-ed as the green alien slave girl in this summer's Star Trek, so she gets some geek points for that, right? Right? (We apologize to our wives, mothers, and daughters.)
Okay, for once, I agree. She's genuinely beautiful, and puts Fox to shame. Inside and out. But, doesn't that say something? You have to stoop so low (borrowing this douchebag's words, I admit it) as to drool over T&A to help make your point, That's pathetic, and it's grasping at straws to come up with yet one more reason why they think ROTF sucks....without hearing people complain that they're wrong.
It couldn't be that she's a versatile actress with real talent, minus the ogling T&A mentality? Of course not. This sack of monkey nuts has to appeal to our primal urges just to win his argument.
Six Ways the GI Joe Movie Could Be Better Than
Transformers 2
6. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Was a Terrible, Terrible Movie
Yes, it made a crapload of money and will probably top the box office for 2009, but let's get this straight - Transformers 2 is no Dark Knight. Heck, it's not even Spider-Man 3. We totally stand by our reviewer's assessment of the film when it came out. Transformers 2 is an unqualified mess. It takes everything we hated about the first Transformers - uneven tone, lame sense of humor, awful pacing - and amplifies it to 11. Yes, it's a populist hit, but, in our minds, it's one of the worst movies of the year, so, honestly, the bar that GI Joe: Rise of the Cobra has to clear to be a better movie than Transformers 2 isn't very high. Do we honestly think that GI Joe can, in any way, make more money than Transformers 2? NO. No way in hell. But, do we think it could possibly be a better and more fun moviegoing experience? YES. We're a little nervous about the buzz, the review lockdown, and several other aspects - like casting Adebisi from HBO's Oz as the hero in a kids movie - but we have to admit that it has a definite chance of being a better movie, because, c'mon, that shouldn't be that hard.
WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.
Do you not get it, slapnuts? There's obviously more to the film than just a crapfest that got lucky. People LOVE it, to the tune of almost 900 MILLION dollars. WORLDWIDE. If the movie truly is as bad as they claim, there's no chance in hell it would've made it past the first week. I mean even Rolling Stone gave it a F-, and they'll give almost any piece of crap a passing grade. Yet the film continued climbing the ladder. The total boxoffice take still hasn't been tallied yet. Just because YOU, sir (and I use that term loosely) didn't like the film (opinion), doesn't make it a bad film (fact). Was it perfect? Absolutely not. But it was far better than the first film, made a heck of a lot more sense, too.
And complaining about the casting choices in a kid's movie? WRONG. G.I. Joe is no kids movie, not even by a long shot.
Either TF film really isn't family oriented either (and most definitely not a kid's flick...) so let's break this down, shall we?
TF/ROTF:
-Half dressed skanks.
-Unnecessary sexual humor that pushes taste boundaries.
-Violence that usually affects obviously unrealistic characters.
-Foul language that shouldn't be uttered in a TF film.
On the flipside:
-No gore.
-Characters kids could relate to and connect with.
-Superheroes for kids to believe in.
-The REAL Military took part in the film.
G.I. Joe:
-Excessively violent in some scenes.
-Violent stabbing, slashing deaths involving human characters only.
-Bordering on gore in some scenes.
-No characters that were real enough for kids to connect to.
On the flipside:
-No half naked whores.
-No reprehensible sexual humor.
-No unrelenting use of profanity.
On the flipside:
-Both movies were a LOT of fun.
-Both movies had impressive visuals worth the price of a ticket.
-Both were silly and detached from reality.
-Both movies are worth the repeat business.
Do I think G.I. Joe will beat ROTF? No.
Do I think either one's the better film? No.
Do I think both could use improvement? Yes.
Do I think the negatives are enough to ruin the enjoyable experience? NO.
Go see both films folks, go ENJOY both.
Relax, have fun, live a little, even if it means watching a goofy & silly movie.
NOTE: Realize that I am not a perfect Christian, nor do I profess to be. I apologize if anyone's ever offended by me, I'm not perfect. Don't hold my posts and opinions against other Christians.
I truely loved the movie but one thing i did notice is that the theatre wasn't as full as it was with transformers which at least in conroe, texas i conclude that transformers rule supreme, oh yeah. I highly recommend the movie, it's great.
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